Advice please - how to communicate with my UPD son

[Dibdob59]

Even typing the words in subject line above makes me feel like a failure.  What kind of mother admits she does not know how to speak to her own adult child?  Yet that is how I feel, although it did not used to be this way.

I have written at length in my other posts about the terrible relationship breakup my UBPD son (29) has suffered recently with his ex-partner and how badly it appears to have triggered some extreme behaviours and attitudes in him.  He has mentioned to me on more than one occasion recently that he knows he "is not right" and that he "wants to feel better but nothing will work".  He then clams up and will not discuss the matter further.

I have noticed a detachment in his facial expressions, body language and eyes over recent weeks.  He has stopped cuddling his children as much as he used to (gs4 and gd7), he is not engaging with them as much and is irritable with them.  He used to play with them but when they ask him to he is reluctant and apathetic about it.  He spends a huge amount of time on his iPhone and this seems to be all that interests him. 

I find that I am afraid to start any conversations with him as I can see where they will go and virtually all subjects end up with unpleasant and bizarre comments.  It is difficult to explain but the views he is voicing now are not views he has held in the past.  It is as if he hates everything now because life has hurt him too badly, too often.

Our doctor can offer no help for BPDs on the NHS but there is a private psychologist who works mainly in Harley Street in London but who also visits our local private hospital in Norfolk once a month and who is prepared to offer him a consultation.  I therefore needed to raise this with my son to see if he wanted to attend, particularly as he had already made comments to me about knowing he was unwell.

I was aware that this was not going to be easy but when he visited me yesterday evening and was sitting quietly I mentioned to him that I had found out about this specialist, that he was highly respected in his field and that he was available if my son felt like seeing him.    His body language immediately went from flopping back in an armchair to twisting to stare at me and asking what I was talking about.  It was a very marked change in behaviour and very fast.  He asked why I though he needed to see someone and I gently said that I recalled him saying to me a few weeks back that he felt something was wrong and that he wanted to feel better but did not think anyone could help him.  He looked at me as if he had no idea what I was talking about.  He then said that therapy doesn't work and asked how much it would cost.  I said that was not something he should worry about at this time as I was happy to pay for it as his health is very important. 

However he became very agitated and started making wild comments about how therapists are only out to get money, they don't care about patients or they would offer their services on the NHS and not charge huge sums of money from people who are unwell and whose families cannot afford it.  He then said if I wanted to spend money on his getting better he would prefer that I pay for him to go kick boxing each week as that would make him better.  It then continued with comments about how he hates therapists because they all have university educations (so do his sister and I so perhaps this was aimed at us, although he is not usually abusive to us) and think they are better than everyone else etc etc. 

Can anyone offer any advice as to how I may have approached this differently.  I know that I cannot make my son seek therapy if he does not want to but he has raised the matter with me himself before so there is obviously some awareness and desire to get help.

I wondered if he found my bringing the subject up as judgemental of him and his behaviour.  It is so hard to know how to even start a simple sentence with him at the moment.

D

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Dibdob59    I'm truly sorry for all the troubles your son is having, and the pain and frustration these things are causing you. I, also, have an adult son (36) with BPD, and I know the confusion and feelings of hopelessness when you can't get through to him. It was like that for me, before my son was finally diagnosed and got treatment; I hated those days and really do commiserate with what you are going through! I have a link, below, that should help with figuring out how to help him:

Helping a Loved One With BPD Seek Treatment

When our loved ones aren't interested in getting help, and don't think they even need it, that's a really tough spot to be in. I do believe you did the best you could, and I admire the fact that you tried so sincerely. If I were to try to figure out a way to try to do it again in the future, when he might be more open to the premise, I would try the S.E.T. technique:

S=Support: "I know that you are feeling pretty down, and things seem overwhelming and hopeless right now... . "

E=Empathy: "If I were in your position, it would make me depressed and overwhelmed, too... . "

T=Truth: "If you ever get to the point that you want some outside help with all of this, I have the name of someone who is a Specialist in this field and who comes highly recommended... . Let me know if you decide to check into it, OK?"

I'm not saying this exactly for your son (only you know him and how he reacts to certain words and ideas), but this is the way S.E.T. works. You've checked into the Workshop about it? If not, it's worth a look to try to maybe broach this subject with him again in the future when he might be more willing to talk about it. Here's a link that takes you to that Workshop: COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. Technique

I know that this is tough, and hard to see him in so much pain and not know what to do... . Hang in there, and I'm hoping these 2 links will help you... .

[Kate4queen]

It sounds to me like you did all the right things. you've given him the information and now it's up to him to see if he really wants to go through with it. I'm not sure you can do anything else unfortunately.

[six]

Hi Dibdob, I agree with Kate4Q that you said exactly the right words. 

I had this same issue with my son regarding seeking help.  He always said it was me who needed help and not him.  Money was also a huge barrier because he hates spending any and despises when people earn more than him (he has a degree but lives on a minimal amount and thinks that people who earn more are greedy and deserve death.)

he started getting interested in psychoanalysis.  I think psychoanalysis appeals to him bec it is a lot about how others have wronged the patient (society, the parents, even the grandparents).  he started going.  at first I was concerned that it would just be another opportunity to bash us, but I feel that it has made him somewhat more open and self-reflective. 

it sounds like your son is interested in some help, but is intimidated by expensive therapy.  perhaps there is some community based therapy that would be less expensive or that would be covered by insurance that he would feel more comfortable with.  I don't think the issue is getting him to the best specialist.  I think it would be helpful to have someone outside the family who he could speak to.  however, with that said, it has to be his own choice and it is important that he does not feel you are pressuring him.  maybe just say something like, I know you were concerned about cost, but here is the phone number of a subsidized therapist that does not charge a lot.  then let him do what he does with it.  good luck.  I hope he gets some help.  Do not beat yourself up.  you didn't cause this and you cant fix it.  all you can do is offer your love and support.

[pessim-optimist]

Even typing the words in subject line above makes me feel like a failure.  What kind of mother admits she does not know how to speak to her own adult child?  Yet that is how I feel, although it did not used to be this way.

Hi Dibdob,   

Admitting that you do not know how to say something is HONEST and COURAGEOUS. You do that, because you LOVE your son.

I know it makes you feel terrible... .      It is because you feel his pain and you want to help.

As time goes by, you will get better at communicating with him, using the skills and tools that you are learning and working on. It's a process. The good news? There usually are opportunities for do-overs, if we mess up.

But reading your post, I think you did well in trying to talk to him. Just because someone does not react the way we want them to, that in itself is not proof that we failed. You are only responsible for what you do, or say. Your son is responsible for his part.

We do not control the decisions of our pwBPD. From your post, it sounds like he might be depressed. Maybe he is not ready yet... .

Let us know how it's going, we are here to support you.