False Hope?

[papawapa]

I have been separated from my BPDgf for a little over two months. Neither one of us was healthy at all. In the end I got tired of her threats to leave me for someone else every time we argued. The morning she left her and I were arguing, she threatened to leave, I started piling her belongings in the hallway and told her to go. She left and moved in with this guy her daughter had broke up with the day before. Within a week she was "in love" with him. I couldn't afford the house we were living in on my own so I took our two children and moved in with my parents. Then she started threatening to pick the kids up and take them to stay with her at his house for the weekend. I filed an emergency custody order and have been granted temporary full physical and legal custody.

At court she asked the judge that I not be allowed to contact her, she initiated NC. The court has ordered both of us to take chemical use assessments and psych evals. I have done everything the court has asked and was sure she was not complying with anything. Last night I found out that she has scheduled her appointment for the psych eval and will do the chemical assessment once I pay for it.

I knew my replacement was a real dirt bag. I have since learned he is a convicted felon, served four years in prison for battery. She moved into his house with his mom and his "sister." She has since learned that this other woman is actually his GF of six years. On July 12th she showed up at her daughters house drunk and had been arguing with him. Her painting him black was triggered by learning the truth about the other woman. Her son goes to visit her and she has stopped taking care of herself, she is not doing her hair or wearing makeup, two things she ALWAYS did. I also know she has been drinking and using heavily, much more than she has in the past. I know for certain that she is not at all happy where she is. Last night she told our son that she wants to get her own place.

I am torn up and twisted on the inside. I can't decide if I need to let go and move on or hold onto this hope I have that she will get help and our family can be reunited... .

[Grey Kitty]

  Your situation still sounds very sad. I'm glad you have been taking charge of your own life and your children's lives.

I also can't answer your questions about what next... . but I would like to know more of how you are seeing it:

What does your hope of the family being reunited look like to you?

What does letting go and moving on look like to you?

[papawapa]

"What does your hope of the family being reunited look like to you?"


At the very least it would be that she goes to treatment and gets sober, and that she is properly diagnosed at her psych eval and follows through with DBT and can begin to heal. I want my children to have their mother in their lives, to not be afraid of what she will expose them to when they are in her care. That she can get over blaming me for her not being able to see them. That she will understand I didn't do what I did to punish her or get back at her for leaving. That her and I can talk like adults and be respectful and civil to each other. That we can attend family gatherings together and not have it be awkward or uncomfortable for any of us.

Ideally I would like for her to come to realize somewhere along the way as she gets treatment that I really do love her. That I really am the man that she has been searching to find her whole life. That it is possible for us to be happy together. That one day we can have a home together and our home can be filled with love, compassion, and happiness instead of hate, anger, jealousy, and dysfunction. I know none of this is possible unless we both get healthy and that I can only do my part and hope that she is able to follow through.



"What does letting go and moving on look like to you?"

At this point it looks like loneliness and misery. I fear I will never be able to completely give myself to another as I will always be hoping that one day she may get healthy and return to me.

[Grey Kitty]

papawapa, I don't hear you describing letting go as if you are ready to do it.

Your description of getting back together sounds like you have fast-forwarded through the first year of treatment/recovery in your mind, given the state you describe her in as of today.

I'm wondering if you can paint a mental picture of some other outcomes?

What would it look like for you to be a single parent to your children, providing them a good loving home, and living your own life? (Assuming she is remaining NC or LC)

What would it look like for her to have more contact with you in her current state (drinking, using heavily, not taking care of herself)? Can you come up with any version of that that would work for you and your children?

[papawapa]

You are right that I am not ready to let go and detach.

My picture of being a single parent and having to provide everything for my kids is scary. I have already been their primary caretaker since they were done nursing, she wasn't a whole lot of help when we were together. I regularly struggle with having to do so much for them. It is overwhelming at times. A couple weeks ago our daughter was having a hard time and it was apparent to me that what she needed was mothering. I don't know how to be a mother and it makes me very sad that she cannot rely on her mother to be there for her when she needs her most. Dealing with our son is easier as he has always been the "good" child while our daughter is an invisible" child. I know that both of our joint children and her other children from her marriage and our grandchildren are better off without her in their lives until their mother gets help. I value family very highly, above all else, and this whole situation is so incredibly sad for everyone involved.


There is no version of her in her current state that would be positive for anyone involved in her life. 

[Grey Kitty]

That is a really tough assessment of your wife and your situation. So now what?

Is there anything you can do to support her at a safe distance?

And more importantly, what can you do to face your fears about being a single parent? I'm sure you are working your best at it. Even if she does improve and want to come back at some point, you aren't going to be able to trust her to really step up and take and keep her share of parenting for quite a while.

 GK

[papawapa]

For now all I can do is keep moving forward with my life. I was also ordered to take a drug/alcohol assessment and a psych eval. I did my assessment and have been recommended for outpatient treatment. My psych eval is the 20th of this month. Today I was offered a new job that pays more than twice my current job. It will require extensive travel and makes outpatient impossible for me to attend. Luckily the court process is slow and I will wait until I am eligible for insurance at my new job and then figure out how to get into an inpatient program. I am sure that the outcome of the psych eval will be I am recommended for some kind of therapy which I will also start once I obtain insurance. I am fortunate to have full support of my parents. Me and the kids are living with them.


Since she refuses to talk to me, even asked the judge that I not be allowed to contact her, there is not much I can do to support her. It is important to me that the kids will have her in their lives. I am doing everything I can to ensure that she gets help for herself. I am paying for her assessment and her psych eval. I am willing to help her get into and pay for her own place to live. I am also willing to pay out of my own pocket for health insurance for her so that she can get into treatment and therapy if she is wiling to follow through.


As far as the parenting goes I will seek help for that in therapy. And like I mentioned I also have my parents to lean on which is nice, but I don't plan on living here with them forever. Hopefully she will get some help and I can rely on her in the future to help with raising the kids.