no contact for 2 weeks now he rings daily but keeps avoiding meeting in person

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Brief history

Met uBP male in early 2010, both single and in our early 40's.

BP unemployed, then 2 years, (now totalling 5 years) and no children.

Me working full time the whole time, 2 children, now young adults and they both work, (one studies).

BP and I were friends for a month or so, and then we became involved romantically, after that was when all the trouble really started.

2 years of weekly Violence, threats, property damage, public humiliations, frequent rages, denigrations, stalking, attempts on my life, kidnapping, physical abuse, some sexual, psychological and emotional abuse, and it all finally ended in February of 2012, when he instigated physical conflict with members of my family who board with me. I took their side, and agreed that he not return here to live.

He has held that against me for the past 16 months that he has been back staying permanently with his elderly parents. All the effort in the relationship has always fallen on me, (and I kind of realised that would be the case a while ago).

I initially, (after being recycled when he left) would travel up to spend time/nights several times per week. Always at a cost to me in all ways more than him.

95% of the times I would travel, (40 minute trip there) he would pick a fight at some point, and I would always end up leaving to come home, quite often in the middle of the night, or late at night. I would be abused no matter what I did or said. If I said I didn't want to go, and had been assertive about him stopping his act, it made no difference. Occasionally I did not react well, and it would end in a fight. But I am only human, and my heart is sore.

On the 10th of June this year, I travelled to spend the night with him, and as soon as I arrived, I wished I had just stayed home.

He was determined to make me feel as bad as he felt, and by depriving me of sleep, eventually he won, he got me upset, and since that wasn't enough for him, (seeing me crying) he had to go for the throat.

Our disagreement ended in him assaulting me, smashing all my stuff, damaging my car, threatening my life, and throwing my keys all out in the dark, so I could not escape anyway, (not to mention smashing my phone, so I could not ring for help).

Eventually I hobbled off in the dark, and managed to find a neighbour awake, and asked if they could call the police, so I could return to BP's parents, (where he stays) get what was left of my stuff, find my keys, wallet and bag, and leave, heartbroken and despaired, once again.

After that event, I had to drop a job I had taken on temporarily for extra money, I was in shock for several days, cut down normal work hours, and tried to recover. I also had to haggle with my phone provider, to receive a replacement mobile.

I never heard from BP until Thursday 13/6, although I had noticed him very early that morning coming past my street, 'checking up on me'.

He rang sounding detached, and distant, apologising for damaging my phone, (nothing else but!).

When he discovered I had managed to secure a replacement, this enraged him, so he then launched into a denigration of our whole relationship experience. I listened, and tried to validate his feelings, although I really don't know why I bothered.

I was abused verbally so many times, (merely from disagreeing with several things) and hung up on, that I decided to pull the phone plug out of the wall for the rest of that day.

The next day he rang, and had a whole different attitude towards me, way more apologetic and sincere sounding. So we talked OK off and on that day, and agreed to talk again the next day. At the end of the calls though, it was hard for me to figure out just what role I was in his life that day, (partner again, friend?).

Next day, he called twice, chatted on mostly about himself, (as usual) and asked if I would text him Goodnight like I usually do). I said I would, and did so, but felt very sad. He also said I was welcome at his parents any time, I said Thanks.

Saturday came, more calls, normal conversations, and again an invitation standing that I was welcome at his parents any time, whether he was there or not.

He didn't say he would like to see me, or could I please come over and spend time with him, but I was confused anyway, normal state of affairs in my life with him.

Sunday came, again an invite, but this time, when I didn't indicate that I would be coming over, (like I normally would on a Saturday night to have Sunday off with him, or travel on a Sunday etc) he began to get upset, and started being nasty to me. I said to him, that I appreciated his apology, but I need a bit more than just that. I was screamed at, and given the usual crap excuses why he couldn't change his behaviour towards me.

He hung up in my ear, slamming his parents phone so hard I think he smashed it right then.

His Mother later told me they had had a terrible week with him, and he had smashed their house phone, but later repaired it.

After that last abusive phone call, I had no contact from him for over two weeks, and I was here on the Leaving Board, blogging like mad, trying to process the grief.

I had sent him two emails, and he ignored them. I also tried phoning, texts, but he ignored me, and his Mother hinted he was going to the Police Station. I felt this was a nasty thing for her to say on his behalf, given what she has seen of his propensity for violence.

I did not try calling him again, or contacting him over the last week or so. Then out of the blue, on the 3/7 he phones. Using the fact that he knew I was busy taking over a contract with my small business on the 1/7 and he didn't want to 'bother me', knowing I would be busy.

He also said something about it being 'complicated'. I had an inkling he was sleeping with someone else.

So from the 3/7-5/7 he argued our relationship out on the phone, as to why it was over etc.

In the end, I just avoided his calls, as it was too painful and confusing.

By the 5/7 later in the day, he changed his tune a bit, and seemed to want to keep talking on the phone each day, as if we were friends, all about himself, and about 10% on what was happening in my life.

In the last few days, from the 5/7-10/7 he has expressed the wish to see me again, and perhaps me coming over to stay. But each time I end up being fobbed off in some way, and also fobbed off on his new mobile number, which he only got today apparently.

I am not entirely sure what really is going on in his mind, but he keeps talking about our future, and us. So far he has not slipped back into denigrations again, but I always know it could start again any moment.

He still spends a night or so away 'sleeping in his car' to get away from his oldies.

Things up there are so bad now, that even his Mother is asking him to 'pack his bags'.

Still, she is usually either his staunchest defender, or his biggest critic, the same applies to her own husband, (BP's Father) when it suits her.

So being at his parents is obviously not good either, yet he has no money, no job, and really cannot leave anyway.

I really don't know what to do. How can you really help in a situation like this?

Your damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

[Clearmind]

rollercoaster24, hard stuff. What would you like to see happen? No doubt this has sent you for a tail spin.

Are you aware of what is considered enabling behavior v's supporting?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Clearmind

Yes, I am aware of the difference, and I know how I was enabling his bad behaviour, however I had been fighting a losing battle since I met him, as his Mother has been his biggest enabler his whole life.

I guess she is making up for the abuse he suffered as a child from his Father, (who likely was BP too). Unfortunately, the Mother never sought any professional help or advice for her issues with the Father, apart from a temporary separation at one stage, and I believe she also went to England for a break herself, (leaving BP and his siblings with the Father).

For all BP's life, he has been an emotional dumping ground for his Mother's issues with his Father, and still has been up to rather recently.

This all results in BP acting out violently and verbally aggressively towards his Father, (he sees it as pay back I believe, for his pain and his Mother's pain). Yet, the Mother will then see that BP has taken things too far, and will begin to support the Father again.

Last year, BP had a 72 hour restraining order placed on him, and had to stay away from his parents house for that period, (he had threatened his Father's life with a heavy wrench). His Mother witnessed this, and the police were rang, the parents gave the police $40 to give to BP, (he had no money for petrol/food). I also helped him out with some cash, and got abused as well. Meanwhile he disappeared to this beach city again, for 3 days, I was not invited to spend time with him there, so what was he doing?

The problem is, he has so much resentment and pain towards his Father for his own issues with him, let alone processing his Mother's pain every day. The Mother is still convinced the Father may be a cheat, (they are in their late 70's) and any time he goes off somewhere, and stops to talk with a female neighbour, Mother is dumping on her son BP with her insecurities.

She also pays his bills, (given him 2 x $250 for his car registration each year which he didn't pay anyway) and all this as well as he lives there for free, and also gets extra money off them as well.

Not to mention he gets frequent cash loans, sells stuff every week, but insists the cost of living, (petrol, smokes etc) is why he never has any money.

Trying to get him to see that the way he lives is the reason he has no money is no use, however he constantly projects about 'other peoples money' and what they are doing with it, (none of his business actually).

I see through all this, and am absolutely certain that he has a substance abuse problem, as his aggression is a serious issue every week. Now even his Mother is telling him to go, as his verbal abuse towards her has increased in the last few months.

He cannot decide whether he loves his Mother or hates her, (I hear all the venom every day about his parents and how cruel they are to him).

So today he is nearby in his favourite city, even though he cannot afford to drive there, sitting in his car near the water apparently, (chilling out from all the stress of living with his 'abusive' elderly mean parents). Scoff, choke.

He says he will return to his parents later today, and will have to be there over the next few days because he won't have any money left, (but he knows his Mother is now asking him to leave for good because she cannot cope with the stress of him living there).

Where before he had no trouble asking me for small cash loans, (often not paying them back) or I would just give him a small amount for food, (which he wouldn't buy food with anyway) he will not take any money off me, and has not done now since we separated on the 10th of June, (morning of his assault on me).

Even though he insists we are partners? Confused, you bet!

He needs to talk to me on the phone every day, and last Sunday insisted he wanted to see me, so I drove up there after finishing work early dinner time. I endured 7 hours of ranting, raging, had virtually no sleep, and his verbal abuse started up again in the morning. I decided not to go there ever again to see him, as I am tired of being 'conned' into believing he misses me and needs to see me to cuddle and hug etc, yet every time I have gone to his parents, 95% he tries to provoke arguments. I usually respond well, occasionally I have not however, but I am only human, and like I said, my heart is sore.

The way I see it, he doesn't want to be around me himself, (although insists he does and blames our 'circumstances' but doesn't want to let me go either.

Every time he provokes another argument/dumping/denigration session, I am left wondering if he has met someone else, and I always feel insecure about all this doubt.

I feel like I cannot move ahead with my own life, do I date? do I encourage male friends again? There are men I could be friends with, and go on platonic outings with, (coffees etc) but I feel doing that right now, would be a betrayal to the BP in my life. He tells me he loves me every day, and likes me to message him Goodnight like I always did.

After that morning, and him throwing rocks at my car as I drove off, he rang back later that morning, and still wants to talk to me on the phone every day, talking about our future, but I don't see that there is one really. He isn't moving forward fast enough to help himself, and I cannot cope with just talking to my supposed partner on the phone every day for months without having any time together. I don't feel like a partner, I feel like his therapist actually. And when it suits him, he says we aren't in a relationship anyway.

The other day, I was fed up with this confusion, and fed up with his excuses for acting like an ___hole towards me because his own circumstances are down yet again, (and it is his own fault actually).

I said to him, after listening to him denigrating things again, that since I am 'not in a relationship with him' then why is he ringing me? Why is he insisting on staying in contact? What does he want from me? Doesn't he realise how hard it is for me to talk on the phone, and be given this false hope all the time, without actually being able to spend any time with him, without him raging on me?

That he seems to have an OK time, as long as he isn't with me. But I cannot be the receptacle for all his crap every day, I have needs and feelings too.

The amazing thing, and what I feel is really behind it all, is that I feel like (and it certainly looks like) every nasty thing he is doing to me, is an exact replica of what he perceives I have done to him, (on purpose). I have said to him that it seems like he is playing a constant game of revenge on me, for perceived hurts he believes I did to him!

I have the feeling that he is guilty over more than money with me, I feel it allows him to justify 'other' things to himself, which is why he is being steadfast over not accepting gifts/cash/food from me.

The frustrating thing for me, is that every day, I am subjected to listening to his rage over being starved, and having no money to buy his own food with. He won't do anything to help himself, apart from begging for a $1 here and there, (which he uses for cigarettes anyway). I have suggested he go to the Salvation Army, or to the Government Agency that pays his unemployment, but he refuses to ask them for help, (his stubborn foolish pride would rather have him starving himself).

He also will not ask for low budget accommodation, as he refuses to live in a flat surrounded by drug addicts and people in the same circumstances as himself. The irony is, the people he looks down on, are living healthier/saner/happier lives than he is!

I really don't know what to do, but I am glad I have a therapists appointment tomorrow, after long months of waiting for an appointment again.

Oh Clearmind, this is killing me. I love this man, but oh how he has hurt me. The separation is likely therapeutic for me, but does nothing for one's insecurities, let alone one's own instincts about what is really going on here.

[Southern_Belle]

Hey! I replied to you in another thread - the ":)o you ask them to do things for you?" thread.

We've all dealt with terrible situations with our BPDs. Though what you have described, your man sounds dangerous!

The only thing I can advise you to do is to get out of this situation. I think it's time to check out your local resources and see what help is available for you.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Southern_Belle

Yep your right. I have been utilising all the free resources out there, and yes, my man is dangerous. I don't even know why he wants to talk to me on the phone every day. We never spend time together, and all the efforts I have ever made to spend time with him, were never appreciated anyway. I always get told I 'don't have time for him' or 'I'm too busy' or my job is more important, or everyone else in my life was more important and on and on.

It was like pouring effort into a black hole the whole time.

When I make the effort to spend time with him, he picks fights with me, and tries to purposefully upset me, or does lots of things to anger me, (then he wins by transferring his emotions onto me). The emotions he can't deal with, and it makes him feel really good to hurt me, because then I feel like he does all the time.

Today I went to therapy, for the first time in months, (booked out therapist). It helped, but my God that hour went fast.

Before I left for the appointment, I had found some free accommodation on the internet, (local to where BP stays with his elderly parents, who by the way, have told him they want him to leave their house because they can no longer cope with his behaviour).

I rung the guy advertising, and it turns out, he has just had 3 units built, and doesn't want them to stay empty, whilst they are finished off, (gardens, brick paving etc). He is offering fully furnished comfortable and new units, to travellers, backpackers, for free, in return for them doing a bit of work around the units for him, and also if they are occupied, the threat of people breaking in and trashing them, has gone.

This is a perfect opportunity for BP, as he does not have enough money to pay for the standard accommodation rates, ($150 a week for a room in a house!), and his elderly parents want him to leave now, or ASAP.

He of course spends his day avoiding them, hanging out in libraries, shopping centres, spending money he really doesn't have driving around. This obviously isn't working for him, but there is no telling him.

So, I wasted my time trying to help him, yet he expects me to be his therapist every day on the phone for several hours. Talking constantly about how miserable he is, what a miserable existence he lives, doesn't have a nice house to live in, is starved by his parents, (funny I recall him saying the same thing about living at my house once!), can't have a shower when he needs one, can't use anything there easily. How he needs somewhere to live, he is homeless, derelict and on and on!

He sees an opportunity like this, as a step down, but seems to think the way he is handling things, is a step up?

I just can't take it anymore.

So, meanwhile, I am just getting on with living my own life, I don't share most of the things I get up to with him, (nothing dodgy), I just don't want to be resented for being able to live a semi-normal kind of life. I don't want to be resented for having a job and money, my own home to live in, friends, a life, or anything actually.

I don't want to be resented for having a positive attitude towards life, and not being miserable every day, when it is all his own choices that got him there.

On the one hand he recognises this, but on the other, he blames the fact that he became involved with me, that got him there. He sees himself as having been totally committed the whole time, but the reality is totally different. He has never been committed to me, and never will be.

There will always be some reason for him to act like a mean, hard, cruel jerk, and I really can't love it out of him, (despite being made to feel like I don't love him enough, or haven't made him a priority in my life).

The problem was that I did make him a priority, and he didn't deserve it.