Is he BPD?

[cleotokos]

Lately I've been wondering if my boyfriend is BPD. I'm fairly certain my mom is, so it would make sense I'd be drawn to someone with the same traits. I really don't know if he is. But there's something not right. Every week, it's like a roller coaster. One week's up, the next week he's mad about some trivial thing (seriously - one time he didn't like that I sighed in the mall and we nearly broke up about it. Actually I just took a couple of deep breaths because I felt like I wasn't getting air, but he accused me of sighing and having a shi**y attitude, and was mad for days). I've put up with this for so long, because his complaints are often so outlandish that it's laughable. He does have PTSD from being beaten as a child.

Today he said he's been thinking about us living apart for a bit. I said that's fine. He was not happy. I don't know what reaction he expects - I think he believes he can make such threats and I will cry and beg him to stay, tell him I'll do anything for him not to leave. Truly, that's how I feel inside, but I have my pride. We argued yesterday about cleaning the house. According to him, our house has been messy the whole relationship because of me. I've never been so mad at him since we've been together as I was last night. He rewrites history, he ignores all sorts of factors. He's been unemployed a large portion of our relationship, while I paid the rent and bills. I told him I expected him to cook and clean if he stayed home. There was always some excuse - depression, or that I wasn't putting in an effort at cleaning therefore he couldn't. He'll use a tea bag and throw it on the counter, just a slob and it drives me insane. I refuse to clean up after someone who makes no effort to KEEP things clean. Recently he made a checklist so we can check off items that we've cleaned. That was 3 weeks ago - I was out of town for a week so he has a 1 week advantage on me. He's currently unemployed (though paying his own way this time) so there's another advantage - he's home 24/7 with little else to do. The other day he decided to go hard on some cleaning (while I was at work), then tell me "see, here's proof that I do all the cleaning around here and you do nothing". It just made me so mad. This list is not so we can be fair to each other, or so we can have a clean house. It was all a scheme so he could "prove" he's better than me, yet again. Our house has never been cleaner, which is great, but now he's trying to rewrite history and say he's been doing these things all along and now it's finally on paper so I can see it. Nevermind that the house has been a pig sty for ages and suddenly it's clean.

Before I met him, my house was fairly clean. I'd say average. He is a very all or nothing person - he admits that when his car got a scratch on it, he stopped caring about it at all - stopped cleaning it, etc. Well when we first met he came in to my house and said it was "dirty". Because maybe a shelf had some dust on it, or the TV screen hadn't been wiped in a while, the whole thing was ___ to him and gave him licence to throw his clothes around the living room and put garbage on the counter, since I allegedly didn't care about cleanliness. I refused to clean up after this slobbishness from day one, therefore I'm "dirty". I'm just sick of it, sick of the bad guy role, sick of being the scapegoat. I feel I'm at a point where something's GOT to change. He doesn't want to do couple's therapy. He sees a therapist on his own, I don't know if I'm ever discussed. He's made great strides since I've known him, but this issue just persists and I feel like he only wants to win in this. It's not about us being happy and fair to each other, to him. I just don't know what to do.

[cleotokos]

Oh yeah, wanted to add - I'm open to the possibility that I have BPD. I don't really think I do, but given that I grew up with a mother with BPD it's possible. I have a pretty bad fear of abandonment and being without a partner in life. Despite that I chose to be single for 3 years in an attempt to cure myself of that. I think I'm pretty easygoing in relationships. Anyway, is this behaviour BPD-ish? The keeping score, over years and years, and rewriting of history so I'm always the bad guy?

[SweetCharlotte]

Hi Cleo,

I'm sorry but I cannot give you my impression of whether or not he is BPD from your messages.

Maybe it would help if you look at the Diagnostic Manual and run down the list of traits. In each case give a yes he has this trait or a no he doesn't with a brief example or two of his behaviors.

Then you would get some answers. The description of his aversion to domestic chores is not especially helpful in determining whether he has BPD because so many men are like that. It does not fit any of the DSM traits, which are things like: extreme fear of abandonment, self-harming or self-destructive habits, splitting people into all good or all bad, projection of his own feelings or actions on to others, etc.

[cleotokos]

Thanks, SweetCharlotte. I recognize the traits in my mother, but he's not a lot like her in many ways. Splitting, yes, projection, yes. Impulsivity, the inability to maintain personal relationships over time, yes. Not able to hold a job for long due to emotional outbursts and trying to manipulate/dominate coworkers. The rest, not so much. I don't know what part is PTSD and what part may be something else. I was mainly wondering about the score-keeping - he has several "issues" he does this over. It's like he needs something he can always fall back on, to prove that I'm wrong and I've been wrong since the day we met. Sorry I went in to a bit of a rant about the cleaning as I was really worked up about it.   

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of score-keeping?

[Validation78]

Hi Cleo!

Many folks present BPD traits, and are not BPD. Even those diagnosed with BPD are frequently found to have other problems as well. BPD is very complicated and confusing, even to many professionals.

Bottom line is, the label isn't as important as the behaviors. If we are to be successful in any relationship, we have to learn communication skills to resolve our problems. If he is BPD, there are skills that are essential to learn because pwBPD simply do not understand and process information the way mentally healthy people do.

Check out The Lessons, link on The Staying Board. You'll find a lot of information on what BPD is, as well as how to use tools to deal with a pwBPD.

Best Wishes,

Val78