Need Advice and A Place to Vent

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone, I am new here. I came across this website this morning when looking for advice on how to help/react/deal with my older sister while not getting myself beat up in the process. I was not even sure what was going on with her but I do know she appears to be struggling with a mental illness that has since manifested into what I think is an eating disorder (among other things). After reading more about BPD, I do believe this is what she is suffering from. Here's my story (it's long, I'm sorry, but it felt good to get everything out):

My sister has always been an emotional person given to incredible mood swings, a terrible temper and someone who holds grudges. But at the same time, she can be extremely loving and generous. As the years have progressed, she has been increasing preoccupied with feelings of intense victimization. She has such anger within her (it's eating her alive) and most of it is directed towards her mother-in-law to the point where her health and relationship with her husband are suffering. She claims that he is just like his mother and is controlling and a narcissist (and that he goes through her computer and phone records). I have known him for many years (we all went to college together) and have never known him to be like that although I do not live with him so I don't know. She does not work but does teach private belly dance lessons on the side (currently has no clients as they, the students, cancelled classes about a month ago). Her husband is a doctor so they are fairly well off. When she did have a job many years ago, she always got into conflicts with her co-workers and/or bosses and ended up quitting or was fired. Even with her dance classes, she tends to have conflicts with her students (she thinks they are abusing her services and taking advantage of her time) and other instructors (she thinks they are spying on her). I don't think she has ever stayed longer than a year at any one job and, of course, it's never been her fault. It has always been what others have done to her. Initially, I believed everything that she said but as more time goes by, I wonder if it is her that has the problem.

Back to the MIL issue. My sister feels that her MIL has been mean and rude to her. This happened many years ago. She has cut off that side of her family (hasn't spoken to them in years) and has even sent her nieces (from that side) a letter explaining how awful her MIL (their grandmother) has been to her and why she no longer attends their family functions. Though she hasn't seen her husband's side of the family in years, she still brings up incidents from the past and will not let them go. It is to the point where she will not/does not want her husband to see his side of the family. He asked his mother to send my sister a letter to help her (my sister) get past this perceived slight. My sister said the letter talks about forgiveness but does not apologize so it has been dismissed. She repeatedly alienates people from her life if she feels they have done her wrong. She has forbidden her husband to socialize with people she feels have been mean to her. I don't know how many friends he has lost but there have been several. This is a pattern with her. When I ask if she wants to leave her husband and offered the solace of our home, she said "no, they are trying to work it out" (it has been years of them trying to work it out). He most recently told her that she needed to see a therapist. You can guess how that was received.

My relationship with my sister has been difficult. I find that I am constantly editing out my emails or conversations with her because I am afraid of how I am being perceived or that she might take something the wrong way. It has created a very superficial relationship where I am afraid to say or do anything for fear of retaliation/alieantion. I love my sister. And that is what caused me to try and help. But that has back fired and she is no longer communicating with me.

I hadn't seen my sister in over a year though we did communicate regularly via email. I recently saw her in June at my father's birthday party. She looked terrible... . like maybe she is suffering from an eating disorder as well as what ever other mental issues she has going on? She looks much older than 50. My husband who hardly ever comments on physical appearances said she looked horrible. She does not look healthy. Her face is gaunt and drawn and (if I had to guess) I'd say she weighs 90 lbs. at 5'3". My family walked on eggshells around her the entire weekend because she is so volatile and has a terrible temper. Nobody wanted to bring up the possibility to her that she might need help. After we all went our separate ways, I decided to try and broach the subject when she emailed me about how angry she was about neighbors, postal carrier, husband's co-workers, etc. were all commenting on her weight and asking her if she was/is anorexic. I said that she is very thin and asked what her doctor said about her weight (and that, perhaps if she was at the low end of her weight, maybe she should be in the middle). She lashed out at me (in an email). She wrote that her doctor told her that "she looked the best ever" and that he must've thought she was fat before. She also said "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY WEIGHT" and that her weight loss was intentional. My immediate response was to say that I didn't mean to upset her but that I would not apologize for being concerned. She then wrote me back saying "Thank you for making me cry. Let's not get together" (we were planning on a girls weekend in the coming month).

I should mention that my sister does have other health issues. She is suffering from the after affects of shingles from two years ago which has caused her a great deal of pain (migraines, eye swelling, etc.) She is on some sort of very strong narcotics prescribed by a doctor/husband(?) And, she has food allergies (wheat, eggs, dairy, etc.) which have caused her to obsess over what she can/will eat which isn't a whole lot. She claims that she's eating and is healthy. But then when I asked about it, she said she ate "5 whole cookies" the other day so I don't need to worry. She told my mom that she has her "weight under control".

Since then, I have emailed her several times trying to keep the lines of communication open. I do not bring up the subject of her health/weight nor have I apologized. She has not responded and has most recently sent back gifts I gave her when we last saw each other about a month ago. In the past, my sister has mentioned suicide and asked me to pray for her. I want to support her but I don't know how to since she has cut off all communication. She lives in another state and is not a minor. Aside from worrying about her health, our parents are elderly and it only complicates things if we aren't communicating. I can't talk to her on the phone because the last time we spoke, she accused me of yelling at her and making her cry.

I'm not sure what, if any, approach I should take. Should I apologize just to open up the lines of communication? There is a pretty good possibility that she’s blocking/dumping my emails too. The more time that passes, I am starting to question my own perception of things. Was I wrong? Was I imagining things? I should add that my mother has also been on the receiving end of her wrath and periodically receives scathing emails questioning her parenting skills etc. My mother has shown these emails to me and is confused, hurt and at a loss. I don't want to make things worse, but I also don't want to get hurt myself. Right before our communication ended, my sister was cluster emailing me daily (sending 3-5 emails in a row and then getting mad when I forgot to answer a question from one of her emails). Am I bad to admit that it's been kind of nice not communicating because it gives me a break from the emotional roller coaster of worrying that I might say something that could set her off?

Anyways, it really saddens me to see her struggling because I know she is not always like this. I have thought about contacting her husband because he is with her everyday but it would be seen as a breach of confidence if she ever found out. Besides what if he is part of the problem?

Thank you for listening. Any thoughts, suggestions, advice would be much appreciated.

[beansilly]

Hello everyone, I am new here. I came across this website this morning when looking for advice on how to help/react/deal with my older sister while not getting myself beat up in the process. I was not even sure what was going on with her but I do know she appears to be struggling with a mental illness that has since manifested into what I think is an eating disorder (among other things). After reading more about BPD, I do believe this is what she is suffering from. Here's my story (it's long, I'm sorry, but it felt good to get everything out):

My sister has always been an emotional person given to incredible mood swings, a terrible temper and someone who holds grudges. But at the same time, she can be extremely loving and generous. As the years have progressed, she has been increasing preoccupied with feelings of intense victimization. She has such anger within her (it's eating her alive) and most of it is directed towards her mother-in-law to the point where her health and relationship with her husband are suffering. She claims that he is just like his mother and is controlling and a narcissist (and that he goes through her computer and phone records). I have known him for many years (we all went to college together) and have never known him to be like that although I do not live with him so I don't know. She does not work but does teach private belly dance lessons on the side (currently has no clients as they, the students, cancelled classes about a month ago). Her husband is a doctor so they are fairly well off. When she did have a job many years ago, she always got into conflicts with her co-workers and/or bosses and ended up quitting or was fired. Even with her dance classes, she tends to have conflicts with her students (she thinks they are abusing her services and taking advantage of her time) and other instructors (she thinks they are spying on her). I don't think she has ever stayed longer than a year at any one job and, of course, it's never been her fault. It has always been what others have done to her. Initially, I believed everything that she said but as more time goes by, I wonder if it is her that has the problem.

Back to the MIL issue. My sister feels that her MIL has been mean and rude to her. This happened many years ago. She has cut off that side of her family (hasn't spoken to them in years) and has even sent her nieces (from that side) a letter explaining how awful her MIL (their grandmother) has been to her and why she no longer attends their family functions. Though she hasn't seen her husband's side of the family in years, she still brings up incidents from the past and will not let them go. It is to the point where she will not/does not want her husband to see his side of the family. He asked his mother to send my sister a letter to help her (my sister) get past this perceived slight. My sister said the letter talks about forgiveness but does not apologize so it has been dismissed. She repeatedly alienates people from her life if she feels they have done her wrong. She has forbidden her husband to socialize with people she feels have been mean to her. I don't know how many friends he has lost but there have been several. This is a pattern with her. When I ask if she wants to leave her husband and offered the solace of our home, she said "no, they are trying to work it out" (it has been years of them trying to work it out). He most recently told her that she needed to see a therapist. You can guess how that was received.

My relationship with my sister has been difficult. I find that I am constantly editing out my emails or conversations with her because I am afraid of how I am being perceived or that she might take something the wrong way. It has created a very superficial relationship where I am afraid to say or do anything for fear of retaliation/alieantion. I love my sister. And that is what caused me to try and help. But that has back fired and she is no longer communicating with me.

I hadn't seen my sister in over a year though we did communicate regularly via email. I recently saw her in June at my father's birthday party. She looked terrible... . like maybe she is suffering from an eating disorder as well as what ever other mental issues she has going on? She looks much older than 50. My husband who hardly ever comments on physical appearances said she looked horrible. She does not look healthy. Her face is gaunt and drawn and (if I had to guess) I'd say she weighs 90 lbs. at 5'3". My family walked on eggshells around her the entire weekend because she is so volatile and has a terrible temper. Nobody wanted to bring up the possibility to her that she might need help. After we all went our separate ways, I decided to try and broach the subject when she emailed me about how angry she was about neighbors, postal carrier, husband's co-workers, etc. were all commenting on her weight and asking her if she was/is anorexic. I said that she is very thin and asked what her doctor said about her weight (and that, perhaps if she was at the low end of her weight, maybe she should be in the middle). She lashed out at me (in an email). She wrote that her doctor told her that "she looked the best ever" and that he must've thought she was fat before. She also said "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY WEIGHT" and that her weight loss was intentional. My immediate response was to say that I didn't mean to upset her but that I would not apologize for being concerned. She then wrote me back saying "Thank you for making me cry. Let's not get together" (we were planning on a girls weekend in the coming month).

I should mention that my sister does have other health issues. She is suffering from the after affects of shingles from two years ago which has caused her a great deal of pain (migraines, eye swelling, etc.) She is on some sort of very strong narcotics prescribed by a doctor/husband(?) And, she has food allergies (wheat, eggs, dairy, etc.) which have caused her to obsess over what she can/will eat which isn't a whole lot. She claims that she's eating and is healthy. But then when I asked about it, she said she ate "5 whole cookies" the other day so I don't need to worry. She told my mom that she has her "weight under control".

Since then, I have emailed her several times trying to keep the lines of communication open. I do not bring up the subject of her health/weight nor have I apologized. She has not responded and has most recently sent back gifts I gave her when we last saw each other about a month ago. In the past, my sister has mentioned suicide and asked me to pray for her. I want to support her but I don't know how to since she has cut off all communication. She lives in another state and is not a minor. Aside from worrying about her health, our parents are elderly and it only complicates things if we aren't communicating. I can't talk to her on the phone because the last time we spoke, she accused me of yelling at her and making her cry.

I'm not sure what, if any, approach I should take. Should I apologize just to open up the lines of communication? There is a pretty good possibility that she’s blocking/dumping my emails too. The more time that passes, I am starting to question my own perception of things. Was I wrong? Was I imagining things? I should add that my mother has also been on the receiving end of her wrath and periodically receives scathing emails questioning her parenting skills etc. My mother has shown these emails to me and is confused, hurt and at a loss. I don't want to make things worse, but I also don't want to get hurt myself. Right before our communication ended, my sister was cluster emailing me daily (sending 3-5 emails in a row and then getting mad when I forgot to answer a question from one of her emails). Am I bad to admit that it's been kind of nice not communicating because it gives me a break from the emotional roller coaster of worrying that I might say something that could set her off?

Anyways, it really saddens me to see her struggling because I know she is not always like this. I have thought about contacting her husband because he is with her everyday but it would be seen as a breach of confidence if she ever found out. Besides what if he is part of the problem?

Thank you for listening. Any thoughts, suggestions, advice would be much appreciated.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi beansilly



I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your sister. That must be hard on you.

I'm gathering she has never been in therapy, is that right?

What's your BIL like as a person?

Having a family member who has BPD/BPD traits is not easy. There are many members here who are going through the same thing, and this is a great community for support and understanding. We also have many resources. A very helpful one is Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

I hope you keep posting, it really does help!

[beansilly]

Thank you for responding. I do feel better already knowing that I have a place to go. I have been reading through the threads and articles. They are helping me find myself. For a while there, I thought I was the one who was imagining things and feeling like I did something wrong.

My BIL is, I think, a good person. He actually called my parents about 6 months ago and told them that "My mother is not this evil person" and that he was "working on things". So, whatever that means, I know that he is aware that things are going on with my S. His life must be miserable but I am afraid to contact him because it would really alienate my sister if she found out. I did find out that he gets up at 4 a.m. to go cycling. I think it is his stress relief.

My S is not in any counseling though years ago both her and my BIL went to couples counseling. My S claims that the counselor backed her up 100% (that MIL was an awful person and that BIL was a narcissist) and that they stopped going because my BIL didn't like what was said. She brings that up all the time too even though it was years ago.

It is hard to understand the mind of someone with BPD because I think somewhere in her head she realizes something is wrong but then can't grasp it. She is also very insecure and focuses in on certain comments (mostly negative).

I really want to help her but I know that there's only so much I can do. I am afraid that she's alienated everyone around her. And, she's really big on getting apologies... . if you don't apologize to her, she'll alienate you forever. She can't seem to accept any of the blame/fault in what happens around her.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

It's great that you've looked around already. I agree, it's definitely comfort in knowing that you're not alone.

Here are a couple of articles I think could be relevant for you:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

and

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

And then there's the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board, or have you already found it perhaps?

[beansilly]

I just read the article/posts on splitting and it is very interesting and (TBH) I can relate to the almost all of the situations. Thank you for sending it. It is helping make some sense of where my S is coming from. I certainly don't want to abandon her even though she is pushing me away at the moment. And yet, I don't want to be caught up the pendulum of being either black or white because, as one poster said, it goes round and round. It must be horrible to be BPD. If I think the emotional highs and lows are hard to bare, I can only imagine what they are going through.

Thank you again for sending the links. I am going to check out your other suggestions as well.

[zone out]

I have just read the Splitting article and responses and it explains a lot about my uBPD mother.

As stated by professional member - A J Mahari:-

By the way, what usually triggers the "all-bad" split from the stance of the "all-good" split often is the very thing that you as a non borderline long so much for with this borderline in your life - closeness or intimacy. Sadly, the second it is achieved (after all you go through to get back there) the borderline cannot tolerate it and the cycle of splitting begins all over again.

That explains something that I have wondered about for so long.  How I can spend a really nice day with my mother, think that things are going to change - only to find the following day she is lashing out in a blind rage.

Beansilly - your sister sounds like she is causing herself great unhappiness as well as her family.  I can see you are very concerned about her but hopefully her husband, as a doctor would act or instigate some help if the situation became critical.  However, from what I have read, even professionals struggle with BPD.  I know quite a few people with very disturbed siblings - it is difficult to understand how people grow up in the same family environment and become so different.

Best wishes to you.

Zone out

[beansilly]

Thank you Zone Out,

I think I have taken the "black" role from her MIL. It is my feeling that when I said I wouldn't apologize for worrying about her, all she heard was "I won't apologize" and it took her back to her feelings about her MIL not apologizing to her.

A couple of days ago, I got an envelope that looked deceptively like a large card (it had a logo on the back of the flap). It is 5x7 in size. I haven't opened it because I have a suspicion that it is the picture of my daughter (her niece) that I had given her at my Dad's b-day party. It wouldn't surprise me at all. It is addressed to me and my husband (very formal). I just don't think I can deal with it right now (if that's what it is). I think she is still trying punish me. I keep sending her emails though, trying to keep the lines of communication open. Should I stop and just let things be? Maybe give her a chance to really miss me?

[zone out]

Beansilly

If I were you I would not open the envelope, with all you have been going through it might just add to the angst - if anyone has to open it, get your husband to do it and tell you if it contains anything you NEED to know. 

It is interesting what you say about taking the black role from your MIL.  I think I have taken the black role over from another relative with whom my mother was always very heated about but now has no contact.  Previously I would have been the unwilling witness to the rages - now more and more of them are directed at me with absolutely crazy accusations, name calling etc.  I wonder if this is a feature of BPD - I think I read in one of the articles where the BPD links in their mind the subject of the rage with the person/event which hurt them in the past, then when the rage has subsided, clings to that person for support.  Of course this is the very time when the victim needs to lick their wounds so to speak and try and get a bit of space to recover.  Not easy!

It is a horrible disorder - the excellent book 'Walking on Eggshells' sums it up very well.

Hope your situation improves - all best wishes

Zone out

[beansilly]

Zone out,

I am sorry for your suffering as well. It is interesting what you say about the person regressing to a certain time/event that happened previously and is reliving that incident in what is happening currently. I do believe that to be true.

The book, "Walking on Eggshells", was checked out at the library so I am putting it on hold. I am looking forward to reading it. Just being around people who understand and reading more about the illness has helped tremendously.

Good suggestion on having my husband open the envelope. Who knows, maybe it is just a nice card. My S is so unpredictable, you just never know. That's the problem with BPD, the person is so unpredictable.

Good luck to you as well. Is you M being treated?

Beansilly

[zone out]

Beansilly,  You are so right - unpredictable in the extreme.

Husbands can be very helpful - mine has started screening calls for me, strange thing is with the BPD - they often can appear entirely normal when dealing with anyone other than their 'target', at least the high functioning ones in any case.  If you are getting a lot of upsetting e-mails it might be an idea to change your e-mail address to a family e-mail account so that she will know other family members have access (using excuse that you have been getting too many unsolicited sales e-mails etc).

The walking on eggshells book is very good - I read it in one, but I must really sit down and study it.  I am sort of familiar with the theory but have not been able sort it out in my head in a practical sense.

My mother has never had any therapy of any sort - she is typical of the high functioning type who thinks it is everyone else who has the problem - I know if I tried to get her to the doctor, she would convince them there is nothing wrong and I would end up the 'paranoid' one.  Previously I have felt very isolated in trying to deal with her - it is reassuring to know, through this site, that we are not alone.  It definitely helps a lot. 

Best wishes, keep reading and posting

zone out