Planning to leave

[Theo41]

Its getting to the point where after decades of endurance, I may need to leave. In addition to uBPD, my wife has a food addiction which she decided to control with bypass surgery, and for the past 2-3 years the food problem  has transitioned into a drinking problem. When she drinks wine (doesn't take much)  the personality change occurs. Rage insults foul language.

I have tried to leave twice and she has successfully "recycled" me back before I was able to spend one night away.

I am also concerned that she may loose her temper and become violent.

I don't want a divorce, just peace and quiet (I'm in my late 60s).

Should I : a) tell her I want to leave separate lives and then move out or

b ) wai until she's not around and leave then. I could put a letter on the table . Or, I could call her.

Any thoughts / suggestions? THEO 41

[ForeverDad]

This is the Legal board.  There are legal issues in any separation.  Is she likely to make false allegations?  Will she blame you to relatives, friends and acquaintances?

You would do well to stay close to peer support, get an experienced therapist (coping with whatever) and seek multiple consultations with family law attorneys (planning and preparing for whatever).  Be prepared with support and for whatever conflict along to way to a better outcome.

Your three options all have aspects, more or less, that could either enable her or give her time to sabotage your efforts.  No option is perfect, three is no single 'best' time to leave.  So weigh the pros and cons, make a choice, prepare for negative reactions and overreactions and then proceed.

[catnap]

As ForeverDad suggested consulting a few family law attorneys is important.  You need to find one who is familiar with high-conflict personalities.  Even though at this time you are looking just to separate, there are many aspects such as joint finances that need to be addressed.  If not attended to, she could remove all the money from checking and savings, for instance. 

Careful planning is the key.  You protect yourself from worst case scenarios.  This can include removing any items that are precious to you and placing them in a storage unit.  Unfortunately, withholding or destroying objects that they know are near and dear to you is common.  This also includes any important papers.  Getting a P.O. Box to have new bank statements, rental records (storage unit, etc.) also protects you from her finding out and sabotaging your efforts. 

Do you have a therapist?  If not, seeking one that is knowledgeable about BPD, will be a huge help to you to sort through things.  You have good peer support-here with us, and your Alanon group also. 

There are many here that are willing to share their experiences with preparing to leave and how their exit plans worked. 

[ForeverDad]

Careful planning is the key.  You protect yourself from worst case scenarios.

A common behavior when conflict or a separation occurs is that the disordered spouse MUST make you appear worse than her.  So if you say, "I'm leaving because you (put your list here)... . " she will figure that you will tell others and she probably wants to protect her public face and hence she is likely to overreact and try to influence others as convincingly and emphatically as she can.  It's called "emotional facts" - highly emotional claims made as though they were facts even though there is little to no substantiation.

Be aware that our Good Guy and Good Gal patterns are to be so very fair, up front and nice.  In all areas of life those are wonderful qualities and most of the time you would not get in trouble over being fair.  Not so when dealing with controllers, abusers and users.  So if you give her "fair notice" be prepared for a tornadic response in an attempt to sabotage you.

So protect at least half of your assets.  Your joint bank accounts or credit cards can be drained within hours.  It is a common response to news of a separation or divorce.  That's why you need consultations with family law attorneys and find one both experienced with high conflict and one you feel comfortable with.  Find out what your financial exposure is - retirement, investment, bank, credit, house, other properties, vehicles, insurance, etc.  Determine how best to reduce your risk and keep it to a minimum with the least amount of triggering for your spouse.  You can't avoid all triggering and overreactions, but you can try to keep it to a minimum without self-sabotaging enabling or appeasement.  You may say, "I won't behave poorly or make allegations."  Great, but what about her?  Dangle 'separation' before her - which she can perceive as Threats - and likely she will overreact and do just that.  Let's hope she doesn't go that far but prudence dictates that you have to put protective measures in place just in case.

Generally we suggest our members don't put anything in writing unless it has been carefully reviewed.  If you put anything in writing, have a lawyer review it for appropriateness.  If it sounds - or emotionally feels - to her like an attack she could claim you're an abuser.

Also, it's probably safer to say, "I've left" rather than "I'm going to leave."  Generally physical distance is a protection.  Some members here have worried about private encounters when separating and afterward and decided it was prudent to record any private contact so false allegations could be defended.  As I call it, recordings are a type of self-insurance since allegations are so often made to retaliate, punish, regain control and humiliate.

[livednlearned]

I made very careful plans before I left.

Then I left.

I would do it that way a thousand times over. With pwBPD, you need to anticipate what could happen and protect yourself in every possible way. Leaving, or talking about leaving, is probably the most dangerous time. And by dangerous, I don't mean just physically. These boards are filled with stories about the lengths pwBPD will go to in order to harm you. Whether financially, legally, socially, not to mention physically.

[papawapa]

One thing I would add, is that when you consult with attorneys don't just take their word for it that they are experienced with cases involving a person with a personality disorder. I made the mistake of looking up attorneys advertising as high conflict I was in a time crunch having to file an emergency custody order and ended up hiring a lawyer with ZERO experience handling a case involving a personality disorder. Ask for references, former clients that the attorney successfully litigated for in the past. Any attorney worth hiring will be able to provide such references.

[Theo41]

Thanks to each and everyone who responded to my post. I haD considered telling her (it's only right to be up front.) I was thinking of just an informal separation without legal divorce and all the cost ( at my age and with what I've been through, no desire/need to ever remarry. ) Now that I've read your posts I will see a high conflict lawyer, get a therapist and leave before I tell her "I'm gone."

Right now things have quieted down and are quasi-normal, but there will be another event within the next week or two. Company is coming for Labor Day and that should create enough drinking, anxiety and stress to cause her to deregulate and split. I need to get prepared. Thanks so much for the excellent advise. THEO