I live in Asia and if I take my half of the property back I will beaten/killed.

[Indigo Sky]

I have spent three years in a relationship with a lady that I knew had problems. We are going through a divorce process and I am learning the rest about my wife.

During our time together I knew how she felt about everyone else. She hated them and was envious of any little happiness they had. I also knew that she used people and knew my day would come. Now that it is here it is literally life destroying. She is smearing me, lying about me, creating problems for me. When she is charged with assault most likely she will up her attacks into a new area. She manipulates the people at work and her family. I feel so bad. I do not want to go back but I want justice and to live my life. It appears I will have neither. I live in an Asian country and have been told if you try and take your half of the property back most likely you will end up beaten or worse, most likely dead. To others she appears beautiful and sweet and kind, but inside, I know better. Everyone has said that if I find another lady she will interfere, that she never wants to see me happy and will do anything to destroy my life. I have been told to move far far away to another city. I plan to live my life the way I want where I want, if I move or give in, it will be like her control over me has never ended. She has assaulted me many times, threatened to cut of my penis twice and threatened to kill me twice. And she will go from guy to guy bleeding them of money and then trying to get more money from them when they are forced to leave. I have a therapist but still life is difficult.

I would like to know if anyone else has lived with an antisocial / NPD partner and how they are coping and how they coped after the relationship.

I just feel her attacks will never end.

Thanks.

[seeking balance]

During our time together I knew how she felt about everyone else. She hated them and was envious of any little happiness they had. I also knew that she used people and knew my day would come. Now that it is here it is literally life destroying. She is smearing me, lying about me, creating problems for me.

Wow, this took me back to my own divorce... . not pretty.

I have no real magic advice other than just get through it, pay what you need to for your freedom and peace of mind.  I am unclear on legal stuff in Asia, but you might want to post on the legal board for suggestions on how to deal with harassment and threats - I assume you have told your attorney?

Do you have support other than your T?

[Indigo Sky]

Hi Seeking Balance, no just the T. She hasn't gone outside of the law at this time, just petty smear stuff and mind games.

I could have freedom if I gave her what she wants, but I wont do that because then she would be taking from me, so I am going to loose either way. Cant live with myself in giving into her again and cant live with what will surely come the rest of my days here. For example, ALL my friends who are married to locals say she will never give you peace. They say guaranteed if you have a girlfriend she will do everything possible to destroy that relationship by what ever means. If I have a successful relationship after her then it makes her look bad.

I am in a no win situation.

[Bananas]

Hey FB,

Wow!  That's some messed up stuff to say to someone.  

My ex was not diagnosed, and we did not live together, but he has very heavy N and ASPD traits.  He also had intense hate for his "enemies" and would tell me he wanted to do terrible things to them.  My experience in the breakup is it is all about control and "winning" for him.  We work together.  If he feels like he is in control and "winning" things are relatively peaceful between us (he pretty much ignores me).  If he feels I am in control or winning (i ignore him) then all hell breaks loose.  It's a fine line to walk.

I am in therapy too. I just remind myself to focus on myself and not worry or care about what he is thinking or doing.  I am lucky in that I have a huge support system at work, he can trash talk me all he wants, none of my friends will believe him.  Things are getting better with time, he is starting to give up and I am feeling a lot stronger when I have to deal with him.  

I agree with SB, pay what you need.  Freedom and peace are way more important than "winning".

[NiceGuy83]

Two things that might help:

1) She will probably move on to the next victim soon, and that will divert her attentions from you.  This can be hard, to think we can be so easily replaced, but remember she just wanted you for what she get out of you.  The new guy will be no different.  You can actually speed up this process by going NC, and not interacting in any of her games.  She will get bored and move on if she doesn't get a reaction.

2) YOU can also do things that are positive for YOU if you get out of the mindset of what might constitute her 'winning'.  Don't give a care whether she 'wins' or not, concentrate on you.  What do you want?  Is it achievable?  Is it healthy?  If not, what will do as an alternative?  What do you fear?  Is it avoidable?  If so, avoid it.  If not, face it front on.

Life is actually pretty simple once you stop worrying about other people and start focussing primarily on YOU.

Good luck.

[Indigo Sky]

Unfortunately inside myself I can not give up more of myself, this means using what ever legal means are at hand.

Oh, she never wants me back but she wants to make sure I am unhappy.

I believe she already has a new partner and that doesn't bother me, she still needs my money and she will probably use various means to get it.

In not letting her win, we will probably be at odds for as long as I live.

[Indigo Sky]

Just a clarification, it was others who said if I try and take half the property that I would end up beaten or worse. Its the culture here.

[seeking balance]

In not letting her win, we will probably be at odds for as long as I live.

I do understand wanting to stand up for yourself and be fair in this situation... . I really do.  My divorce went on longer because I didn't pay what I didn't have - but in attorney fees and time and emotions - I certainly paid.

All I can say on this is:  Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

It is not fair, not even close to fair and I don't wish for anyone to be in this situation.  What I can tell you is having it over is worth way more than I ever knew at the time.

[ObiRedKenobi]

My situation is way more complicated than just boiling it down to this. But I essentially paid my ex off giving her what she wanted. As far as I'm concerned its the best money I ever spent.

I understand wanting to stick to you're guns and not give in. But I learned there is no winning with my ex. Any time I got close to making my point she'd divert the arguement. To me its just stuff and just money. Cutting the cancer out of my life was worth any cost. Now I do what I want when I want. I'm having to rebuild yes but I'm doing it how I want to without all the crazyness.

[hoping4hope]

So, the trick is detaching your decision from what the ex wants...

If you are staying where you are just to defy her then you aren't living your own life.

If you leave just to get away from her then you aren't living your own life.

Where do you want to live?

(I personally wouldn't want to live near a person dedicated to destroying me, but I'm kinda funny that way.) 

And I gotta agree with ObiRedKenobi... . pay off the ex... .

It will be worth it.

[Indigo Sky]

I would have to pay her off and leave town forever to buy my peace. I have too many friends here to leave. This is where I want to stay, and I want my house back. The only way that will happen is through a long legal process, another year.

[Moonie75]

Hi Seeking Balance, no just the T. She hasn't gone outside of the law at this time, just petty smear stuff and mind games.

For example, ALL my friends who are married to locals say she will never give you peace. They say guaranteed if you have a girlfriend she will do everything possible to destroy that relationship by what ever means. If I have a successful relationship after her then it makes her look bad.

I am in a no win situation.

I too am not from the area I live in now (been here 3 years) & have been told the same by many people. In fact, not one person has let me believe that I can live a normal life here because she will not allow it, and further more never allow anyone else to have me!

I'm a big man, and yet I find these views from people who've known her & observed her for years, very intimidating. I totally understand this post. If ya move you're still being controlled, if ya don't you're opting to stay in the melting pot of drama's they might keep unfolding on you as you try to move on. I agree & have had same said to me too. "If you move on when you're ready & have a normal relationship it makes the ex look like she was the problem. She can't let that happen!"

It's very chilling to think I may have escaped an abusive relationship, only to inherit a spiteful vengeful emotionally arrested ghost!

[Indigo Sky]

Hello Moonie75,

I have decided to live the life I want for myself. I tried living in another city for 3 months and it was far worse for me. The feeling that I had to give up my life because of her. Right now I can only hope she will find another man quickly and she can focus on him.

Everything my wife does and says is manipulation and control. Her life, not mine!

When the time comes that I have a serious relationship again I will let the woman know what she is up against and leave it up to her to decide what she wants to do. It is not uncommon for ex partners to interfere in this area.

Right now to me winning seems to be for me to have the best, happiest life I possibly can. I know that if anyone around her has success and happiness it makes her so angry.

[hoping4hope]

There it is. It is very clear what you want to do. Stay. Make your new life there. It sounds like the only wway you will find happiness. Take what steps you need to protect yourself and any new companion. But please warn that companion they will be a target. Good Luck.

[momtara]

"Cant live with myself in giving into her again"

Is it worth it to win on principle?  Maybe better to just leave and be glad you got out!  You win that way, even though she doesn't know it. 

In America, I might tell you different, but you really have to figure out what the laws are there. 

[livednlearned]

Not sure you are looking for feedback from people on family law board? Maybe it makes more sense over on leaving... .

[GaGrl]

What Asian country are you in? My DH and I haave experience in Thailand.