Sharing a part of my story

[Cheshire]

I wrote this for GoodTherapy.org back in March and have been debating since then over whether or not to share it with the members here.  I guess I was worried about appearing narcissistic or self-grandizing, or just whiny. The responses I've gotten from the people who've read it make me think it might help others who've suffered the way I have, and there's plenty of them here. Be warned, the subject matter is incest, and the reaction to it by my uBPDm. If this is of interest to you, click below.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/sexual-abuse-trauma-shame-0328138

Thanks for reading, and good luck to all.

Cheshire

[Sasha026]

Thank you for sharing that part of your life. I know exactly how you felt because I was the victim of my father's "interest". The only thing that kept him in line was his religious upbringing, but for the most part told me exactly what he was thinking every time I talked to him. I just had to deal with it since I was a child - never actually told anyone until I was married.

Outside of the fact that the article was very well written, the story was horrific. Treating a young man the way she did was so disgusting - I just don't know how to interpret my feelings about it. I am the mother of a young man and her "parenting skills" goes against every fiber in my being. I cringed when I read the part about your girlfriend hearing about the abuse. If I was there, I would have reacted very poorly to your mother. I know there would have been a lot of "OMG - what's wrong with you!" remarks.

When you described the couch interrogation, I also cringed, since I was subject to the same thing. Only my "trial" was done at my mother's friend's home with both women battering me with questions regarding my inability to do housework at the age of ten. They were also playing "Roses are Red" by Bobby Vinton over and over while they fired one question after another at me until I was hysterical. I totally understood the humiliation - although my interrogation was only due to housework. I don't know what I would have done in your circumstance.

Again, just thank you for your story.

[Cheshire]

Thanks for your reply Sasha026. I sympathize with your situation with your father. I wonder sometimes how much worse my mother would have been had she not been bound my her twisted interpretation of Christian dogma. It was both the limiting factor, and the fuel for her craziness. In my life now, I stay far away from religion as a result. That day in the church I wish someone had "OMG'd" my uBPDm. It was a long time before I fully realized how screwed up that whole scene was. All it took for evil to succeed that day was for a good man to remain silent. I don't blame the guy, he must've been scared out of his wits by her. I'd like to find him someday and ask him what he thought of that day.

Your couch interrogation sounded awful. I'd guess Bobby Vinton doesn't show up on your iPod playlist. Tag-team hostility is tough for adults to withstand. That's why they use it on "terrorists". If my uBPDm had heard of water boarding back then, I wonder... .

I appreciate that you read my story. Telling it was a very difficult process, but also very rewarding.

I spent a lot of time editing and cutting it down, so I'm glad you thought it well-written. Thanks again.  Good luck on your journey Sasha026.

Cheshire

[Sasha026]

I generally never comment on religious opinions because religion is a very private affair but I'm so sorry you had no one to support you during your ordeal. I, too, was totally anti-christian after I left the eighth grade. I didn't step foot in a church for forty years until my son decided to become Catholic - and even then, I was dragged, kicking and screaming back to my faith. Now - it's all I have to help me (not that I'm religious per say - I just have an unshakable faith in God who has been on my side from the beginning - it's just hard to see when you're being tortured by a devil). When I was being tortured by the she devil from hell, I was also being verbally abused by the nuns. No one took my side. But... . as an adult, I can see that sometimes religion and God don't usually mix. If I didn't have my belief in God when my husband died - I would have been all alone in the darkness. He pulled off some incredible miracles for me!

About Bobby Vinton - you know how sometimes you watch a horror flick? Well, that song does this to me. *shudder* Why it was playing over and over again - I don't know. And, yes - if water boarding was available at the time, I'm sure my mother would have used it or got a doctor to administer it to me. Nothing like having a politically influential mother who's nuts! "COME HERE, SASHA, I HAVE A NEW DEVICE FOR WASHING YOUR HAIR!"  

Your story was extremely poignant and it saddened me (as a mother of a son) that your mother could be so cruel. You were the one who was the victim - she didn't see that? You did nothing wrong! When you're raising a boy it's so different from raising a girl (I can only imagine since I only have one child). Sexuality is a basic instinct, in my opinion, and you have to be so gentle and understanding. I just can't imagine how I would have handled your older brother, but believe me, I never would have done the things your mother did and I don't let her blame it on her religion - it's all her. What she did was just terrible. These women are about as "holy" as a wet sponge. They could care less about God or religion - they just use it as they use their friends as enablers. My heart goes out to you.  

Just another story about how my mother also used religion and God (oh, I didn't escape that either). She would stand there (I can still see her standing erect with her index finger in the air pointed at the ceiling) screaming, "THOU SHALT OBEY THY MOTHER AND THY FATHER! OBEY! OBEY!" The drama was so thick, you would think she was trying out for the role of Moses in the Ten Commandments  . Then she would make me kneel by my bed and pray that God would help me be a better daughter. I often knelt for about two hours (I think she fell asleep on the couch and forgot me). Needless to say, I also didn't have time to do my homework either and then I got it from the nuns the next day in front of 53 of my classmates.

No one knows what we've been through. No one - because they do it in the privacy of our homes. They're sneaky. This way they can do what they want to their children and no one will believe us. It's evil. Then after they do their evil deeds in the privacy of the home, then they go out to the world who knows you and poison minds against you. It's just freaking evil... . and childish.

Again, hugs and understanding.  

[BooKat]

Yes, they do it in the privacy of home, that was my experience too. Polite, courteous and sweet as pie she was, to outsiders, but saved her special brand of screaming, raging torture for me and me alone, at home.