It's like my head knows to go but my heart is.. afraid

[Holliday]

What is resonating with me today is that I need to take ownership of my own low self esteem. What I came up with is: I get intoxicated on the high I feel when my dBPDbf uses all these extreme measures my to show me his ‘love' and adoration. The constant calls, the I love You my soul mate, over and over... I'm learning here that sure I'm a good person, but I'm not THAT special. That this 'love' is distorted and unhealthy. This love is entrapment because I am the enabler... I can easily be replaced and the next person will get the same ‘love’. That hurts! I thought this was my future husband...

Enter: real boundaries. I started doing what the books and this site are telling me to do. I stopped reacting when the rage and the complaining and the learned helplessness and the picking on me kicked in. I WILL stop paying the bill (had one last mistake this week). I get out of his way. Validate, empathize but no longer fix the problem... I am not the cure and I tell him this. So today I feel more like a counsellor and support worker than a gf in love.

He doesn’t like these changes one bit. Now the books he so feverishly wanted me to find answers in so that I can ‘help us’ cope with his dBPD are "wrong". Now I'm supposed to NOT believe everything I read, and how dare I look to outside help. That the problem is actually me listening to people with experience; or me hanging onto my past traumas because: he slept with someone else, he stopped being honest, he relapsed, he can’t handle money, or adapt to change... because, because, because...

I do not want this for my future, I can’t fathom having children in this... I feel like I’m drowning but I’m still so fearful of the ‘I need space’ or 'It's over' rage and behaviours that will ensue... again... on break up #4...

[maxsterling]

I can certainly relate to your feelings.  I feel like I am on the fence about being on the fence.  I know that despite what my brain tells me about what I should do, I know my heart will ache severely if this relationship ends.  But my brain tells me I am not happy now and it needs to end soon.  Earlier this week I was all set to try new techniques to make this work, and decided I wanted to stay in this relationship.  But after a few days of thinking and a few days of friend and therapists talking to me, and I realized a few things: 

- The life I have now is not what I want, and I would feel responsible ever bringing a child into it.

-  I don't have much faith she will ever stabilize enough to truly recognize how her behaviors are hurtful, and there are no excuses for those behaviors.

-  many of the techniques described to deal with pwBPD I already do, and I still feel like I am drowning.  The techniques are not enough - there has to be some change in her or I will lose it.  Also - many of these techniques often make the episodes worse.

So I certainly relate to what you are going through.  I can't give you advice on what to do - but I certainly wish you the strength to do what is best for you.

[frustrated b/f]

Great analysis! My leaving has been reduced to two basic terms; (1) This NOT what I signed up for and (2) my needs are not being met.

We don't have any children, shared expenses, bank accounts, living arrangements, or even a Netflix account together, so I cannot justify any reason to stay and work it out beyond financial help she's given me in the past, but honestly, I'd rather just reimburse her than be subjected to a failed relationship because of financial servitude.