How do I communicate to her that I just want her to do what she says

[Jep]

Hi, my ex left me a couple months ago with our son. She is now single living what appears to be a happy life of partying with no sense of responsibility. She is supposed to get our son every Friday and drop him off on Sunday. This is not happening at all. Every Friday right about the time she is supposed to pick him up I get a text saying she will get him Saturday morning. She takes him then but either pawns him off on her parents or keeps him and locks him out of her room while she is with the new guy (loser). Heartbreaking because he is a great kid and confused about this whole situation as it is.

Today when she dropped him off I wouldn't even look at her or speak to her. I was so angry. She asked what was wrong and I said, "How about you just do what you say?  If you say your going to pick him up on Friday then pick him up on Friday!"  

This triggered her and she said I will get him next Friday.  I said yeah ok until I get a text 5 minutes before your supposed to pick him up!  She drove off angry and I was mad too. I've spent the evening trying to write a text to her rationally, but I know anything I say will just be turned around on me.

How do I communicate to her that I just want her to do what she says she is going to do!  Will this ever even happen. Am I being a fool to believe we can nail this visitation down. I do not have the recourses, time or energy to take her to court and I'm afraid I will lose in family court anyway. Having my child live with me is so much more important to me than getting child support or anything trivial. I just want her to stop hurting his feelings.

I don't know what realistic expectations are anymore!  Anyone have a similar situation in that she hasn't just left me but the children too?  She seems to think that anytime that is convenient to her is being a good mom!

[Rubies]

Ask by email, saving a copy to your files, if she would like to change the visitation order making the exchange to Saturday mornings to make life easier for her.  Make sure any changes are less time with her and less complicated than current orders.

Bring it to the judge's attention her habit of canceling or needing last minute changes to visitation exchanges which are disruptive to your life and upsetting to your child.  Let the judge set her boundaries of behavior.   Our judge told BPDxh I was not required to wait longer than a half hour for him at visitation exchange.  He could honor his visitation agreement or forfeit.  I was not obligated to accommodate his whims.  I flat out didn't respond to BPDxh's last minute requests for changes.

Your child spending time with grandparents isn't a bad thing, is it?

[momtara]

Do you HAVE a court order?  :)id you agree to something in mediation?  I think the advice Rubies gave above is brilliant.  Be positive and calm.

[DreamGirl]

Do you think she has the capability to be a "good" mom?

[Jep]

Well thanks for the advice. I do no have any sort of court order now. I haven't gone to court or mediation at all. I really just want my son to stay with me and it doesn't seem like she wants the responsibility of having him anyway. It remains to be seen if she can be a good mom. I know our son loves her, and he does look forward to these visits.

I am actually very scared of bringing the subject of mediation to her. To serve her with family court papers terrifies me. I don't want to piss her off because she very well could decide to take him out of spite, or for the paycheck.

Our son spending time with his grandparents is not a bad thing at all. They are good people and still quite supportive to me. I guess it just bothers me that she doesn't seem interested in spending time with him. I'm beginning to think she may have gotten involved with drugs.

[Rubies]

Since you wish to keep the court out of it for now, perhaps make arrangements with the grandparents for stable visitation drop off and pick up time?   Don't ask the BPDm, make arrangements with the grands first, then notify the mom that's how it's going to be, by email, "to make things easier for her and the child."  Super Bonus Point with the grandparents?

[Jep]

Thanks Rubies. That is a great idea! 

[david]

Document everything that is going on. If she agrees on Tues to pick son up on Friday at such and such a time write it down. If things happen differently write it down. You don't need to say anything. Just keep documenting. When things become clearer for you as to what decision you think is best for your son this may come in handy.

If you drop son off at grandparents and mom doesn't see him document that too.

I used to try to explain things rationally to my ex. That never worked but I kept trying. Finally I realized one of us had to change our way of "communication". I stopped talking and only emailed. That was 5 plus years ago. Eventually I was able to see some patterns with the way we "communicated". I changed to a more business like manner and stuck with it. I still received some pretty nasty emails. I stayed focused on our kids. Eventually I learned new ways to communicate with ex. Now ex doesn't send as many nasty emails. Instead when she gets upset she goes silent.

Just last week we had a conference in court. I told my atty what was going to happen a week before. I had it all written down and I explained why I thought this would happen. We had a meeting for about 35 minutes. The first 20 minutes played out exactly as I said. The last 15 pretty much followed what I told my atty but there were some different things I didn't anticipate. They were minor. We left and my atty said he was surprised how accurate my prediction was. I can't really give a logic to it or explain it. The only way to describe it is to say she has a limited range of behaviors. She is very passive/aggressive and doesn't realize what she is doing when she gets like that. 

Do what you think is best for your son and go from there. It does get better.

[Rubies]

Once you have a documented established pattern of visitation, then a mediator and judge will stick with that for a court order. You will need to get one eventually to keep her from some day deciding she wants to be a mom and taking off with the kid.  She can legally do that at anytime when there is no order in place preventing it.

One thing I know about pwBPD, their unpredictability is very predictable.