silent treatment, time out or breakup?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi again out there.  I'm still struggling with how to interpret where I am with my uBPD

Brief recap: After two really wonderful years-no anger, no outbursts,-really 24/7 together, loving interactions with my family and friends, etc- he had a angry meltdown on vacation-over what I'm still not sure, and said "that's it! we're done!" Over the last three months, he had been briefly moody at times, silent treatment three times, but never lasted. We had a brief breakup (one week) in May but it was because he said he needed to get his stuff together, he didn't have the capacity for a relationship-no anger, just a lot of sadness on both our parts. But then it was like that never happened.

It's been five long weeks. There have been a few texts-he has only responded to factual inquiries and once to a text concerning his daughter-who I'm close to, nothing now since last Monday. There hasn't been anything angry, no leave me alone, no nothing. I've asked if he wanted me to stop texting (I would honor that) and nothing back. He left a beautiful piece of furniture he refinished for me on my deck and last Thursday, he had left a pair of my athletic shoes on my back porch while I was gone to work-no note, nothing but the shoes.

I'm really shattered.  I've decided to stop contact (day 4) because it's too hard to listen for the texts to come in, and to be upset when he ignores my attempts to reach out. I told him I'm here for him, sent him a pic of his daughter, and that's the last text I sent.

I know that it's time now to focus on myself and I'm trying.  But what is this?  How do you know if it's over?  If it's a break?  If it's the silent treatment?   So so painful.

[isseeu]

Hi again out there.  I'm still struggling with how to interpret where I am with my uBPD

Brief recap: After two really wonderful years-no anger, no outbursts,-really 24/7 together, loving interactions with my family and friends, etc- he had a angry meltdown on vacation-over what I'm still not sure, and said "that's it! we're done!" Over the last three months, he had been briefly moody at times, silent treatment three times, but never lasted. We had a brief breakup (one week) in May but it was because he said he needed to get his stuff together, he didn't have the capacity for a relationship-no anger, just a lot of sadness on both our parts. But then it was like that never happened.

It's been five long weeks. There have been a few texts-he has only responded to factual inquiries and once to a text concerning his daughter-who I'm close to, nothing now since last Monday. There hasn't been anything angry, no leave me alone, no nothing. I've asked if he wanted me to stop texting (I would honor that) and nothing back. He left a beautiful piece of furniture he refinished for me on my deck and last Thursday, he had left a pair of my athletic shoes on my back porch while I was gone to work-no note, nothing but the shoes.

I'm really shattered.  I've decided to stop contact (day 4) because it's too hard to listen for the texts to come in, and to be upset when he ignores my attempts to reach out. I told him I'm here for him, sent him a pic of his daughter, and that's the last text I sent.

I know that it's time now to focus on myself and I'm trying.  But what is this?  How do you know if it's over?  If it's a break?  If it's the silent treatment?   So so painful.

[jollygreen]

Hey isseeu, I'm sorry you're going through this. I was with my ex uBPDgf for almost 3 years. Like your r/s she became distant for 3 months and then needed space. Among all of the many things said, one of them were along the lines of 'I don't think I can be in a relationship right now, I need to be independent.' I then got a month and a half of silent treatment while she slowly moved things out of our place. And after that she met up to breakup. I haven't heard from her since. And that's the short version, a lot of BPD stuff went on of course.

[Jonie]

Hi Isseeu - my question too!

We were together for almost 6 years, haven't seen each other for 6 months now, and I'm still not ready to give up hope.   

We met at a family occasion in May and it was clear he still loved me very much. A month ago I saw him in town and he looked very bad and troubled. I texted him that I hoped the Summer holidays would do him good and that I would get in contact with him later on. So last weekend I invited him to dinner, but he replied 'he wasn't up to it yet and would write me a letter first'. Is this about finding his way back to me of about finding a way to dump me? Or will he just continue to silence me to death? Wait till I give up so that I will be the one to 'end the relationship', so that he can portray himself as the victim?

I guess we will only know at the end - and when will that be? - so lets just hang in there... .  

[isseeu]

Ahhh Jonie, I'm so sorry you're going through this too.   

I ran into him a week after the "break up" and he just looked blank and sad.  He didn't ask how I was or anything, just told me he had been recovering from the flu ever since we returned from our vacation. 

I was trying to keep my text messages light... "wanna go for a walk?", "come by for dinner?"... .   after one of the earlier ones, he told me he had plans to go to drag races all weekend, there hasn't been a reply to the others at all.

It must be very very hard to wonder what will be in that letter-when and if it comes right?  So yes, we will only know at the end... . you hang in there too 

I'm going to see a therapist tonight.  After losing 12# in 5 weeks and grieving deeply, I'm not feeling like I have been moving forward very well so I'm hoping that helps...

Keep me posted ok? 

[Jonie]

Hi Isseeu, yes, we're in the same place. I did the same thing, only simple texts once in a while and some (validating) emails, letting him know that I thought he must be having a bad time and was still welcome back. I felt that talking about the bad time he gave ME would only keep him further away.

Is this situation the reason for going to a therapist? I wonder how that will be, what he/she can do to help you - it's mostly grieve we have to deal with, can therapists help with that? I really like to know, so if you like, please share your experiences.

Well, in any case WE are here for you as well, and we know exactly what you're going through 

[isseeu]

   Hi Jonie,

I decided to see a therapist because the intensity of my grief isn't getting better.  Five weeks of being in this state is taking its toll and I felt like I needed to talk with someone who knows something about BPD (even thought my bf-or whatever he is-is undiagnosed) and can help me navigate this.  I keep going over and over and over what we had and how it ended and wondering how he is, what he's doing... . it's just agonizing.  How can he not just talk to or respond to me?  I can't seem to get a grip.  I've been through difficult things in my life but this just has me shattered.  I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do-spending time with very loving family and amazing friends, trying to eat right (hard), stay active (hard), get sleep (hard), get immersed in my work (super hard), etc.  But I'm not moving forward it seems.

Last night (Monday night) I noticed that his truck has been parked in exactly the same spot since last Friday afternoon and his apartment curtains have been closed the whole time-very very unusual for him.  I got so worried that I texted a friend of his just to let him know I was worried.  I hadn't done that before.  I decided that I didn't care what the consequences of that text would be, I'm genuinely worried now.  I got a very very sweet text back saying not to worry, that he had seen him a few days ago, and to give him space and see what happened, and to write any time.  I didn't expect such a warm response.  I didn't tell him about the truck tho because I figured that would get translated into "stalking" behavior.  Unfortunately, he lives less than a mile from me and his place is on my direct route to almost everywhere... .    So, I hope he's okay.

Back to the T, he of course wanted to focus on me but I had so many questions about what might be going on with my ex(?) bf and what to expect-I went through the entire hx and breakup scene with him.  There are no answers and I"m going to have to work hard on accepting that.  Of course you can know all this in your head right?  He is going to explore EMDR therapy with me, starting with my next session.  It's used for trauma victims and as I read up on it a bit, it seems to make sense to try it.  I believe that the intensity of my grief and the panic attacks over this may be related to something that doesn't have to do in total with this breakup.  We'll see-I'll keep you posted ok?  He also has me doing some "centering" stuff, breathing exercises etc.  It was only my first session and I didn't exactly walk out going "woo hoo, this is going to be a great help!" But it feels pro-active and I do think that it is exactly what I need to be doing.

So, I miss him... . texted him yesterday asking him just to drop me a line and let me know he's okay.  I probably won't hear and just set myself up again for heartache about that, but I'm worried and needed to do it. 

We are here for you as well!  I'm new to all this.  Two weeks ago I had never heard of BPD-now it's total immersion.  If only I had known then what I know now... .    You keep me posted too.  Thinking about you   

[Jonie]

Hi Iseeu, thanks so much for your honest reply! I'll get back to you as soon as I can, I just got home and have to cook dinner - maybe later this evening

[isseeu]

Hi Jonie,

Hope you're doing okay.  Would love to hear from you when you get a chance.  I'm still really, really struggling.  I just wish I knew-one way or the other-if he's finished here.  I would prefer an angry "just leave me alone!"  than the silence.  As I read (and read and read and read... . ) I see that silent treatment can either be punishment/power play or a hunkering down of sorts because they just can't handle the stress or pain.  I really don't know what this is.

It's crazy isn't it.  I'm a strong, bright, educated, successful person with great and supportive family and friends... . what did I get myself into here?

[Jonie]

Hi Isseu, at last I have some time to reply to your post. Thanks again for your sharing this.

You probably didn't get any messages from him either, in the mean time? .

Good of you to have called a friend! And great that you got a warm response - that must really have helped.

I read your post earlier today, on your visit to the therapist, and thought about it a lot during the day. I started a reply here, but felt that it would be better to make it a more general question, under a separate heading - you'll find it on the board.

But for your situation: 5 weeks is not such a long time, to get over such a devastating experience, don't be too hard on yourself. I've been doing all the things you are doing for half a year now, and there's only very little progress. For me, I thinks it's because it's so hard to give up hope, and as long as I have a sparkle of hope, it's impossible to put it all behind me.

Hope you are feeling a bit better? Did you sleep well?

It must be awful to live so close by, pass his house every day... . Keep me posted!

O, just noticed you posted in the mean time - I'll get back to you on that

[Scout99]

Hi Isseu!

Glad you have found yourself at home here on the board!

I just wanted to check in on you and see how you are doing... . Since our last talk on your introduction board, I have been thinking about you and your really both strange and difficult situation... .

I understand that you have come to question wether your guy has BPD and I assume, from what you have told before that it is really only this recent events that have made you think so... . Am I right?

I wonder however if you know anything about his past and how his past relationships, if any, with others have ended or played out... . ? Or if there have been other signs that you can recall now of him having an unstable sense of self or if he has shown any other signs of for instance fear of abandonment or intimacy that you have come to think of? Both usually significant signs of BPD... .

Regardless of that though I think it is important that you look after yourself at this time, and working with a therapist is a really good thing in times like these... .

I understand that it is easy to get a bit trapped in the search for answers, and if there is a disorder involved, those are usually very hard to come by... .

A bit of troublesome questions may be, do you think that the relationship between you from his perspective is over, or has he chosen to leave it in a big maybe? Does he still have stuff at your place, (I don't remember if you were living together or not at the moment)?

If so, perhaps it is time for you to make up your mind and perhaps set some kind of limit or deadline to this unclear state that you are in now, and when that is up seek his answer to whether or not he wants this relationship to be over, even though you might not get the answer you may want?

Staying in this limbo area is very stressful and takes a lot of toll on anybody facing such a situation. And even though we dread the final answer, it is still a better place to be in, and a place from which healing and moving forward can take place... .

You might also take a bit of time to think about what it would really mean to you and the eventual future of your relationship if he indeed is BPD? Since then you will have to be able to find peace in the fact that your relationship will probably not ever get back into the same place where it was when it was good for you... .

Keep in touch and let us know how we best can support you at this time!  

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Jonie]

Hi Isseeu, for what it's worth, what happened in my case was something like this - I guess, I can't be sure of course:

My pwBPD (undiagnosed) got in all kinds of serious problems in the past year: health, family, children, house, money, friends, job ... . His life was a complete mess. It had been before, all his life, but now there was almost no hope that things would get any better in the future. Then WE got into a serious argument. I never interfered with any of these problems, and we were not living together, but he only thing I did put forward now and then, was then we was not respectful towards me. That also happened in the beginning of the year. I think that this was just too much for him, having a row with me on top of everything else. Especially because it had to do with something that was really important to him.

So, he said he needed 'time and distance' - a very common message, if you read these boards. I think that gradually he got used to being alone and started to prefer that. I think he got into a dilemma: I'm very sure that he loves me a lot, but couldn't bear to be with me. Or rather: the thought of being with me. I think that thoughts like these crossed his mind (I think so, because he expressed these often to me in earlier days): shame for behaving so disrespectful towards me, 'she deserves better', 'see, I ruin everything', 'all women flee from me', 'i should not be with someone, making them miserable', ' it's better to stay on my own, so that I can't hurt anyone, and no-one gets hurt by me', 'this is what I deserve: utter misery', etc.

For me, it was also a dilemma. I knew he needed his time and space, but I also knew that he has a strong tendency for 'out of sight, out of heart', so I fought very hard to stay in touch with him; I sent him simple texts regularly (once or twice a week), but gradually this got harder and harder for getting almost no reaction, and I had to give it up. (I also texted because if I didn't, in his mind it would mean: 'see, she doesn't love me anymore'.

He hasn't seen me in a very long time now... And with his former relationships, every time it got difficult, he started an affair with someone else. So I'm really afraid that this is what he is doing at the moment. Aargh, why can't I just give up hope? Cut all the cords?

In any case, with him, I don't think it's meant to be a punishment for me. But rather that he is so stuck in his own dark fears and anxieties that he sees no other way to behave. But every situation is different. Couldn't you try to have a talk with this friend that you called? Perhaps he can put in a good word for you?

I'm off now, hope you have a good night  

[isseeu]

Hi Scout 99 and Jonie, Thank you so much for checking in.  I'm having a very hard time.

To answer your question about my ex?nBPD, pretty much everything about his history in terms of family background (abusive mother, deadbeat father who left them when they were young, sister who committed suicide, physical abuse); and stormy relationships (estranged from his other living sister, uncles, aunts, cousins-all for mysterious reasons); three failed marriages; estranged from his two girls (now in their twenties) for over 4 years even tho they tried to reach out to him-he just reunited with them about 1.5 yrs ago because they reached out and because he I guess was emotionally ready (he and I were seeing each other by then); not many real friends (just two guys); difficulty regulating emotions (strange-over emotional crying jags in the past, haven't seen anger until our "break up" nothing is his fault-people have done him wrong; came on very very hard and fast with our relationship; mysterious "stress" that he's under at times; probably substance abuse now (pot)-tho he wasn't using it once he and I got together because it really was a deal breaker for me; prone to depression, former military then airline pilot... . etc etc. 

We were not living together-but he lives about a mile away.  He moved from a place an hour away to be closer to me last year.  We have had a few exchanges of items had at each others' place without seeing each other.  I (as requested) left his stuff on my deck-in the beautiful teak ice chest he refinished and dropped off post breakup, he left some of my things out there too.  I came home last Thursday and found a pair of my athletic shoes in a bag on my back porch where I wouldn't miss them. With the previous exchanges there had been minimal communication about them via text.  There was no text about him leaving the shoes and no note left with them.

While he was often self-effacing "I'm ignorant"  "well, they put up with me"  "my lame attempt at... . (fill in the blank)"  and many other examples, he never lashed out at me.  He never blamed his stuff on me.  I do think that he was trying over the last few months tho to get me to realize he was a "loser" by dramatically talking about how he is broke, how he can't travel like I want to, how he can't even afford to go camping, how he has to get a job (he's on medical retirement from a bad back), how he needs structure and purpose in his life-all this proceeded the angry blowup he had on vacation when he said "that's it!  we're over!"   

Going on 6 weeks now of not talking to him.  He won't return texts-even tho I've tried to keep them light, sent a couple of pics that would have meaning to him, let him know I'm here... . etc.  This silence is the worst thing I've ever endured.  The limbo I'm in is terrible. 

I really don't believe that he is with someone else.  He never cheated and was not any kind of womanizer-tho he is a beautiful man.  We do not have the same breakup makeup cycles that most seem to have so I don't know if this is the beginning of that or the end. 

Your idea of setting some kind of deadline for him to let me know if, in his mind, we're over is something I need to think about.  I may not like the answer-I may not even get one.

I do wish I knew then what I know now.  I believe he was feeling engulfed-we spent every wonderful night together pretty much for the last 2+ years and all weekends with very few exceptions and were always excited to be together and see each other at the end of the day. He always greeted me via text, voice or in person with "hi gorgeous!"  He didn't get anxious when I had to go on a rare business trip or possessive or outwardly jealous tho he would always say in jest "don't let anybody pick you up" when I would leave to go to a restroom or something during dinner.  He got anxious when we went away together the last 3 or so times.  I believe that he needs at least his day time to himself and when he didn't get enough space, he got anxious on vacations.  I just didn't know. 

So, is he spending this time taking the space he needs or are we done?  Will he calm down and check back in with me?  Is he punishing me or taking a mental time out?  I do know that he is seeing his two guy friends and is getting out so that's good.  I wish he didn't live so close.

Feels like two steps forward and three back-I'm really trying tho.  The passing of time doesn't seem to be helping much yet.

Thanks Jonie and Scout for your thoughts and support.  I'm really grateful.

[Scout99]

Hi Isseu!

I am so sorry For how you feel at the moment!

To be honest, his behavior towards you sounds extremely selfish and cruel... . A bit narcissistic if you ask me... .

I recognize his behavior more in my former ex who indeed was a narcissist, and they are a whole different ball game compared to what pw BPD are... . They are lovely in the beginning or as long as your presence feeds their ego, but then devaluation and in the end discard sets in and they start looking for other things to feed their ego, either from doing other things or finding a different partner... .

I am not saying I know for sure this is the case with your guy, but it might be helpful to know a bit more about the differences between a narcissist and a pw BPD... . Pw BPD also carry somewhat narcissistic traits, but they play out in a very different way, in my opinion... . Whereas the borderline overloads on feelings the narcissist is way more cold and callous when they begin to think you are no longer doing it for them... . With narcissists there is a term called narcissistic supply which means they view people more as object rather than fellow human beings, and use what they can from the object and what we or a new car or some new hobby or whatever fills them up for the moment is called narcissistic supply or NS... .

The ability to experience or show empathy is a lot more distorted that it is in a pw BPD, and they really only show kindness and love when they feel they get what they need in return... . That means they are incredibly charming and can so to speak act very loving for a long time, and are addicted to the passion that comes from idealization, much like pw BPD. But once the passion lowers devaluation sets in and then finally discard... .

I recognize the turn of events a lot from my ex NPD... . He was extremely loving and loyal in the beginning. But as soon as he was a bit bored or things were not perfect in some other area of his life and my presence couldn't fill the gap, then I could go from princess to be questioned as a partner in a matter of hours or days... .

He would sometimes cause a lot of drama, or break up for a couple of months, but if he didn't find a replacement he would come back to me and be all charming again. Sometimes he could flip between Being really cold and throwing me out to send gushing messages filled with (false) regret begging me to come back... . And we would be just fine again for several months... . Only to go through the same thing over again... .

In my experience a narcissist seems more stable and balanced mood wise for longer periods of time and knows exactly how to handle social situations... . They are master actors really, and skilled manipulators and charmers... . But the chill and the determination when they devalue and discard knows no limit... . Rage was more rare, but I could see them boiling on the inside at times, all black in his eyes and actually scared me several times... .

There was also less anxiety at least visible and he could say things just like your guy has stating he was ignorant or selfish and expected me to be accepting of that in a way no "normal" person would... . And he often made plans for himself or dreamed of doing things like go on trips that in no way included me... . He liked to have me along if he wanted to look successful or felt like being in a couple made him shine more in a social situation for instance... .

He never cheated on me though he did cheat on his ex, but lied to me about it in a very strange way... . I guess in his self image he was not a cheater, since that would somehow show weakness... .

Anyway in the end I finally figured it all out and being in love I tried to help him and suggested he needed help... . (After all he had lost touch completely with his own son, who refused to see him anymore)... . But his reaction to that was to rage and lash out to me in a way I have never seen anyone do before... . He even threatened to hurt me physically, which I later found out he had done towards his sons mother too once, pushing her down a staircase... .

That did it for me, so I bailed... . Three weeks later he had replaced me with a new woman... .

And he refused to talk to me at all after that and has stopped contacting also all of his own friends who have chosen to remain friends with me... . I could not believe the transformation he displayed before my eyes, and to this day I still can't... .

Again, I am not saying this is the case with your guy! But maybe it could be helpful for you to look into a little bit what narcissism is all about... . And see if the descriptions fit your experiences... .

Today I am very happy not to have this man in my life anymore, he then however left me an  empty shell of myself, and it took a lot of healing and therapy to find myself again, and even make sense of what I had been through... . I loved this man deeply, at least what he was in the beginning an at times when he wanted me... . But that was not all he was... . The other parts were him too... . And they were not good for me - at all... .

About setting a deadline... . Take your time and think it through... . There are things to be gained from disengaging too. Today I am a way stronger version of myself, and I am much better at handling relationships, and better at healing myself too, when things go sour... .

No matter whether your guy is a narcissist, a BPD or something else is wrong with him, you are better off knowing what the deal is than staying in this limbo of no answers... . The truth may sting for a while, badly even. But that pain will subside and strength and healing will follow... . Staying where you are now hurts all the time... .

So hang in there girl! You will find your way! Keep posting and know that we are here for you!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Jonie]

Hi Isseeu, I was wondering how you are doing, it must be so hard for you going through this, after having these wonderful years together! Perhaps I missed a part of your story, but how was you bf before this holiday? His mental state, I mean? Did he seem stressed, depressed, irritated, detached, distracted? Were there any warning signs that you noticed - then or afterwards? Or was it a complete surprise, a 180-turn?

Have you thought about a setting a deadline? That's also a difficult question for me. I guess that your situation is somewhat different. For a long time I was convinced that he still loved me very much, but that there was some kind of blocade in him why he couldn't bring himself to contact me. And that he still had hopes that we would be together again. I also sensed that strongly at the moment we met in May. During this period of silence there have been (few) instances where he tried to reach out to me. That's why it is so difficult for me to give up hope - still, after 6 months now! On the other hand, this situation is killing me and I need to put a stop to that. I've set a deadline in my mind (in about 2 weeks from now), but I'm not really sure how to handle it yet. Shall I tell him and give him no choice? Shall I ask him to let me know what he wants before a specific date? Of shall I just cut all the cords without telling him anything? ... . There are reasons for each of these choices - but I'll probably choose the middle one. I've done that before of course, asking him to let me know what was going on, but never got a reply to that; but that was without a deadline. I fear that his reply will be that it's better to end things, even though he doesn't want that. If he would have a valid reason, ok, but it will be hard to accept to end things simply because he feels fatalistic.

In your situation, I get the impression you're not sure why he suddenly withdrew and if he still loves you or not. Is it an option to ask a mutual friend? If your bf has BPD, this may not help much, as he will probably not have shared his feelings with this friend, at least not his true feelings. My (ex?)pwBPD put on a mask and fabricate stories even for his very best friends. But if your bf has NPD (and thanks Scout99 so much for explaining about NPD, it was really interesting!) he may have told his friend something that'll help you make up your mind.

Isseeu, please keep us posted, and remember we're here for you 

[isseeu]

Hi Jonie and Scout 99.  Thank you again for messages

Jonie to answer your question, the warning signs (in hindsight) were the anxiousness he was exhibiting for the last few weeks.  It was mild and he would always come to my house at the end of the day talking about his stress level and frustration about things that seemed small to me.  For example, trying to find a lawnmower part so he could repair it himself; finding the right kind of bolt for some other project; getting his truck in for maintenance; getting all of his laundry done... .    I simply said that I'm glad he was here and we could relax, asked how I could help-and then we would usually enjoy a glass of wine together and dinner and watch tv, look at something on the computer... etc.  For the first time in my memory, he was coming here unshowered and unshaven from time to time and with a sad look on his face at the end of the day.  He looked sad a lot. He was anxious about things I couldn't put my finger on but he never took it out on me.  It seemed to annoy him if I asked him if he was okay so I just went the support route-lots of validation. The blowup happened after expressing more stress mostly about his financial situation while we were on vacation.  Again, I listened, asked how I could help and was supportive.  I reassured him that the vacation was my birthday present to him.  Things just unraveled tho and I could see that he was trying hard to stay in control... . but just couldn't.

I would like to ask his mutual friend but that just seems so uncomfortable.  Especially since the friend recommended that I give him space and see how things go-warning that if I push too hard, my ex?uBPD would be driven farther away.  Frankly, I haven't been pushing... .   If there's one thing can say, he shares his feelings a LOT with friends.

Scout99, thank you for the additional insights.  I've done a bit of reading and he just doesn't seem to fit the profile of a NPD.  He is very very caring, loving and emotional.  He doesn't really seem to seek adoration from people and he certainly doesn't have a history of affairs and moving on from one person to the next.  In some ways, I've thought he should be more selfish.  He has gone overboard as a pleaser for me, my family, his friends etc-to his financial detriment sometimes.

You can see how I'm lost.  The limbo really really is hell and I know I need to set a time limit but am not ready to perhaps learn that it is over for good.  Day 3 of NC and it's hell.  I keep picking up my phone... . I know I will regret it if I do.  I've had horrible anxiety chest pains and panicky crying spells-I hardly recognize myself. I just need information-just need answers.

Jonie, good luck with your deadline setting.  Please keep us posted okay? 

Again, thank you both.  What a lifeline this is 

[Jonie]

Hi Isseeu, just posted a new thread here on this board: I sent my (ex?)bf the deadline-message. Now wait and see... .

How are you keeping up?

[isseeu]

Hi Jonie

Just posted on your other board.  So impressed at the step you've taken for yourself.  I know that this might be a difficult week and I'm hoping that he has the strength to let you know with clarity, one way or the other.  I wonder what you will do if he asks for more time... .   maybe another deadline?  argh

I have to say that the counseling thing is helping a lot.  I didn't like the first guy so I saw someone else yesterday morning.  It's interesting to learn about the difference around the world re the perception and use of therapists!  This one spent the time I needed really understanding what this disorder is like for these guys.  She treats a LOT of them.  She used the word "terror" instead of fear re the impact on them when they fear they will be left-and how it's at the root of everything.   She also explained better the push/pull (in my situation, how he left the beautiful finished piece of furniture on my deck and a bag of some of my things on my back porch, sent one text early on about how beautiful I am, but now isn't talking or responding to me at all). 

She really cautioned against applying other situations people are going through on the board with their exs to our individual situations.  We of course know that intellectually but as we look for answers, we all try to prepare ourselves for the different scenarios (NC for 12 years? 6 months?  6 days?  they reengage then leave again after boundary setting for a shorter period of time?  We never hear from them again?)  She said that although there are patterns, every single situation is different-depending on the specific relationship dynamics and the ability of the exBPD to get back to a place of calm and reflect more logically about what the relationship meant and what really happened-their past patterns are important of course to understand.  She said when they are in their calmer times, they do remember the good times of the relationship and are doing some of the same ruminating we are.  However, they are in so much pain and their thinking is so disordered that what they do with that information, and how long they stay in that calm place, before returning back to the event that triggered the breakup, is unpredictable.  Not all of them run off and find a new partner.  I know mine hasn't. 

She also said you can have a good relationship with these people-but as we've read, it requires herculean commitments on both sides-I'm not sure I'm there with my uBPDex... this absence has shaken me to my DNA and I don't feel like I could survive another-even if given the chance.

Looking forward to hearing how you are doing... . we're here   

[Littleopener]

You both seem to be going through what I am at the moment. I wish for closure but I don't think I'm ever going to get that. I have a bunch of his stuff but he won't let me get it back to him. Whenever I ask him if he just doesn't want to speak to me, he doesn't reply... .

[Jonie]

Hi Isseeu, your therapist is so right: every BPD-person, every situation, and every relationship is different. So the most important thing is to be truly honest with yourself (which is not the same as harsh!) and dare to trust your intuition and your conscience. 

But is does help to read the various stories here: to discover patterns, for validation of your own feelings and reactions, and to get inspiration. For me the most important things is to have found people that know how it is to deal with issues like these!

Good for you that you changed therapist when you felt the first one wasn't right for you! Indeed it helps a lot to understand how BPD works, and I can imagine you have so many questions. What is her impression of your bf, via what you've told her? Does she think it's a clear case of BPD? Well, whatever it is, you're facing the same situation as we do, so keep sharing your thoughts and feelings with us 

With me, I'm doing so much better - having reached the bottom of the pit   

The frantic need to check my messages has stopped, miraculously!