visitation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm about to go to court for legitimation of my 5 month old daughter I don't have a lawyer because I cant afford one right now. I would like 1 weekend day of about 8 hrs visitation away from my ex uNPD/BPD she doesn't want to give me this and is getting a lawyer to fight me saying that she is breastfeeding and it will hurt her breast milk production if she has to pump for the day.

she works 2 days a week and the baby goes to the baby sitter for those days. she has to pump for those days. im not asking for over nights yet, can she keep me from getting visitation away from her?

[Eco]

I'm about to go to court for legitimation of my 5 month old daughter I don't have a lawyer because I cant afford one right now. I would like 1 weekend day of about 8 hrs visitation away from my ex uNPD/BPD she doesn't want to give me this and is getting a lawyer to fight me saying that she is breastfeeding and it will hurt her breast milk production if she has to pump for the day.

she works 2 days a week and the baby goes to the baby sitter for those days. she has to pump for those days. im not asking for over nights yet, can she keep me from getting visitation away from her?

[ForeverDad]

Considering that sometimes courts order something in between what the two parents want - or so it seems too often - I would suggest asking for more than what you minimally want.  Also, consider what is 'standard' in your county.  Is there a published guideline order or typical schedule for primary and non-primary parent?  If so then ask for that.  Tell the court you feel you should have more, but will 'settle' and work with the court's decision of a 'standard' schedule.

In my county the standard schedule is for the non-primary parent of a child under 3 years of age to have at least one weekend overnight and 3 to 4 evening visits in between.  The prior schedule before the new judge took over was one weekend and 2 to 3 evening visits in between.  Do you see how vast the typical standard is compared with what drop in the bucket your ex wants to dole out to you and even what crumbs you were prepared to ask for?

The breastfeeding/pumping claim is totally ridiculous.  Lots of working women do it all the time.  Stand up for yourself, tell the judge just what you told us, that she pumps on the two days she works, so she can do it when you have your child.

And of course the supervised claim where ex wants you to be under her supervision, scrutiny and control is ridiculous.  No judge will order that long term without solid basis.  Short term, maybe, but only until the evals come back that you're an okay father.

Important... . no, very crucially important... . ex will make complaints of some sort about you, demanding you to be evaluated... . your response must be that BOTH OF YOU must be evaluated, not just you.  Don't let it be just about you.  She's been blocking parenting.  The question is why.  An eval of you could reveal how dangerous YOU are or aren't.  An identical evaluation of her would reveal why SHE doesn't want you to parent.

However, despite what I just wrote, since the ex or her lawyer will probably make outrageous claims that you can't be trusted with your baby, that you're an abuser, that you don't care about your child, that you neglect your child, etc, etc, the judge may order very limited time until professional psychological evaluations or opinions from CPS come back.  However, don't let that dismay you.  What the judge orders will almost surely be far more than what ex wants you to have and so therefore you ask for what an Involved Father would ask for, now is not the time to be timid and beg for a few crumbs.

Often the first orders are the ones that set the pattern for later orders.  It will be an uphill struggle for you anyway but ask for little now and you will have an even bigger uphill struggle than you ought to have.

[Eco]

well today she informed me that I can see my daughter at the mall for 1 hr  mon,tues, and wed and a few hrs on sat. this really sucks now im downgraded from her house to a noisy public setting and only 5 hrs a week. I'm sick to my stomach over this

I would suggest asking for more than what you minimally want.  Also, consider what is 'standard' in your county.  Is there a published guideline order or typical schedule for primary and non-primary parent?

In ga Its every other weekend fri to sun and 1 day during the off week. Im not sure if her being 5 months old will come into play.

The breastfeeding/pumping claim is totally ridiculous.  Lots of working women do it all the time.  Stand up for yourself, tell the judge just what you told us, that she pumps on the two days she works, so she can do it when you have your child.

I plan to

Important... . no, very crucially important... . ex will make complaints of some sort about you, demanding you to be evaluated... . your response must be that BOTH OF YOU must be evaluated, not just you.  Don't let it be just about you.  She's been blocking parenting.  The question is why.  An eval of you could reveal how dangerous YOU are or aren't.  An identical evaluation of her would reveal why SHE doesn't want you to parent.

very good advice, I would like that to happen

However, despite what I just wrote, since the ex or her lawyer will probably make outrageous claims that you can't be trusted with your baby, that you're an abuser, that you don't care about your child, that you neglect your child, etc, etc, the judge may order very limited time until professional psychological evaluations or opinions from CPS come back.  However, don't let that dismay you.  What the judge orders will almost surely be far more than what ex wants you to have and so therefore you ask for what an Involved Father would ask for, now is not the time to be timid and beg for a few crumbs.

Im very worried because she has a lawyer and I don't I may get run over, Im going to ask for as much visitation as I can get from the judge I hope he gives it to me away from her.

thanks for the advice an help FD

[ForeverDad]

well today she informed me that I can see my daughter at the mall for 1 hr mon, tues, and wed and a few hrs on sat. this really sucks now im downgraded from her house to a noisy public setting and only 5 hrs a week. I'm sick to my stomach over this

Describe this to the judge.  This is crumbs, pure and simple.  She is setting the rules (as parent in possession without orders to the contrary, this giver her opportunity to show how much or how little she is willing to allow you to parent your child.

Im going to ask for as much visitation as I can get from the judge I hope he gives it to me away from her.

I cannot imagine a judge not giving you your own time under your own control at your locations.  (Of course stranger things have happened to us here in Oz.)  The only short term exception is if she can make enough allegations about you to limit your parenting to supervised until judge can get you evaluated.  However, if she's already made an offer to let you have your child without supervision, even if only for an hour at a time, then emphasize that to the judge and that should help reduce the impact of any allegations she makes against you.  If you can turn it from "he's a horrible unsafe father" to "she knows I'm okay but refuses to share our child with me", then the hard part goes away and all that is left is the judge deciding on a schedule and the next steps of the case, such as psych evaluations or a custody evaluation.  Remember, very important, if you are ordered to be evaluated, make sure to fuss until she's included too!  fair warning, if you don't get her evaluated same as you, then it may be very hard to get it later.

When you appear, be on your toes, and don't be timid.  Legal strategy: If she asks judge for supervised only, remind judge she's already offered you unsupervised time, though very limited, so asking the judge to require supervised has no basis.  If she wants your time limited to just a few hours, speak up that you want significant time with your child, that your child needs a stable influence in her life, mention at least 50/50  but then state that until the evaluations come back you'll settle initially for the typical non-primary schedule if you have to but that once the evaluations are in it should be reassessed.

Temp orders have a nasty habit of morphing into permanent orders.  That's why you need to push for as much as you can get from the start.  My temp orders lasted about 2 years.  Court had two opportunities during that time to adjust them in my favor but chose not to.  Once was when the court's own in-house parenting investigator recommended I move up to 50% parenting.  The other was when the custody evaluator recommended that my spouse immediately lose temp custody.  Court ignored both and just proceeded to the next steps.  Learn from us, speak up for yourself as a concerned parent wanting to become more involved in parenting, and that it's not right for you to have been sidelined by your ex.

That was one point my custody evaluator made clearly.  "The mother can't share 'her' child, but father can."  It took a few years but over time she lost temp custody and now I have custody.  You may not get custody but you can sure do far better in court than the crumbs she will ever toss your way.