Boundaries

[thicker skin]

Hi everyone,

I have a question about boundaries and how they are set. When my SO and I got together 22 years ago, he wanted 'no strings' as he'd just come through a traumatic experience and wasn't ready for a serious relationship. I accepted this.

I was a single mum living a very hand to mouth existence and my twin brother had recently died, so things were tough. My husband and father of my baby had had an affair whilst on a course for work and left me holding the baby and all the responsibility that comes with being a parent.

I was very clear at the time to my SO, that I needed my friends, as my grief was raw and I relied on them for support and back up, so to speak.  I explained how I'd always had friends of both genders, being a fraternal twin and that I'd never cheated on anyone, nor would I. I was very open about who I was. A total tomboy, trained mechanic, sociable and keen to live my life to the full. I didn't go out with my friends, but they did call around during the day.

He is now very angry with me for being exactly who I said I was and is very bitter that I 'walked all over his boundaries'. I hear a lot how I should not have needed anyone else in my life, shouldn't have wanted to go out and shouldn't have had men in the house if he wasn't there. I barely went out, was very open and tried very hard to merge him into my social circle.

In my world, he didn't want to get too involved with me, I relied on him for nothing and I didn't want to give up the support system that I had, just to stop him thinking that I was having sex with EVERYONE!

I can't go back and change anything, but he is now upping his ante and complaining about my lack of boundaries, the reason he can't trust me or treat me with any respect. I have taken a polygraph to show him that I didn't cheat. My lack of boundaries seems to be his reason for accusing me of doing many things that actually repulse me.

He treats me like a child and thinks that everything I do is to provoke him. I recently removed an old fb account of his from my friends list and as a result, we are now in separate beds until I can respect him and grow up. He had told me that he couldn't even remember the password, so I assumed it was obsolete. He's spent the last few years telling me he has no interest In anything I do, as its feeding my narcy supply, so I didn't understand that my action would have such a result. He says that I enjoy making him jealous, which I utterly and absolutely don't. I hate it. It's humiliating and debilitating.

I thought boundaries were individual and about what we do or don't accept. If you don't accept, you say no thank you. If you say yes, when you mean no, you have a degree of responsibility for the situation you find yourself in. If you've been making mutual decisions together, no one person is responsible, it's 50/50 ?

[Validation78]

Hi TS!

I'm not sure why he is accusing you of having a lack of boundaries. Is he saying that you don't let others know what you will and will not do in the confines of your friendships?

Boundaries, as we speak about them here, are "rules" for ourselves. Since we don't have control over what others do, and we can control what we do, we establish boundaries based on our values. If someone crosses our boundaries, we would respond by doing something that lets the person know, that what they have done, is not alright with us. It's not quite saying you can't do something, simply that it isn't alright with me, and if you do it, I'm going to respond by doing "this", the choice is yours.

Have you read The Lessons on The Staying Board? I think you may get some insight to concepts like boundaries and many communication tools that make it easier to deal with a pwBPD.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[thicker skin]

Thanks Val78,

The boundary problems that he thinks I have vary... . It's mostly 'my behaviour' and how I let others disrespect me. I don't feel that way, although I was probably a bit soft in my early twenties and tended to just see the good in people.

He sets boundaries with me. I can't answer him back, as I'm disrespecting him. I was working, but he made my life Hell with the many boundary violations he felt I'd committed. I was self employed and needed to make contacts, but he thought that they were just interested in sleeping with me and said I'd given them that impression, which lead to much upset.

He will not give me any respect until I learn what it is and keeps on removing things as a way to punish me. This can range from the relationship to house keys, privileges to now our sleeping arrangements.

There isn't much room for differences. I feel that it's okay to generate work and don't think that I am up for it and available with anyone, let alone everyone. He tends to skew my words and make them mean something totally different to what I originally meant, even if he wasn't there to witness 'my behaviour'.

He holds all the cards really. In his mind, I am here to raise and pay for our children and am free to go when they leave. He owns the house and contents and I should be grateful to him.