Do BPDs ever have regrets & come back? What do they mean when they say I LOVE U

[confusedhubby]

Have a situation I am hoping that maybe some members will have some experience with.

Was married to my wife for 14 years. She is diagnosed BPD and a non functioning alcoholic. I have full custody of our two kids. About 8 weeks ago she told me she ad to move on so she could be there for the children one day. Her script when she meets new people is that she is now sober because I was the trigger for her drinking and now that I am gone she no longer has a need to drink. The problem is that she has not stopped drinking. About 4 weeks ago she tells me that she is madly in love with a new man. He moves in with her and they look to be serious on the outside. However she has started to cheat on him.

Yesterday she tells me on the phone "I love you". Says it a couple of times. Says she will always love me. I was wondering if she is having second thoughts? Anyone have any experience with something like this?

[Moonie75]

I suppose BPD sufferer or non, you can still fall foul of the 'grass is always greener' disillusion?

If we non's can fall for it then I'm almost certain somebody with disordered thinking could. I think everybody of all walks of life whether disordered or not will suffer from that at some time in life.

[SadWifeofBPD]

What do they mean when they say "I love you"?  Well, probably not the same as when a non says it.

They "love" when they're not painting you black.  Their ability to love is just different. 

Imagine that there are two piles of rocks that need to be moved.  You start moving the rocks of one pile using your two hands.  The other person only has one arm, so he can't move rocks as fast or as well as you can.  You're both trying as hard as you can, but you can move rocks faster and better.  Even though you're both working at 100% capability, your capability is just greater.  Your 100% is "more" than theirs.

[Validation78]

Hi Confused!

Sadwife has it right. pwBPD do feel love, it's just not quite the same meaning as it is for nons. Maybe this workshop will help to understand it better!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68978.0

Best Wishes,

Val78

[momtara]

They do tend to "recycle."  However, I believe they do feel love too - we do everything for them; how can they not?  It's just not exactly the same as for most of us, nor can we expect it to be, unfortunately.

[SadWifeofBPD]

They do tend to "recycle."  However, I believe they do feel love too - we do everything for them; how can they not?  It's just not exactly the same as for most of us, nor can we expect it to be, unfortunately.

One thing that I've noticed is that they seem incapable of "unconditional love" and this is evidenced by how they can sometimes paint their kids black.

Yes, I know that even Nons don't have unconditional love for their partners/spouses, but Nons can almost have unconditional love for partners/spouses, but pwBPD can't seem to come close.  They'll paint you Black with a blink of an eye over nothing, and then firmly believe that they hate you and that you're not worthy of any love.

[Moonie75]

I realized eventually, once it got started, that the cycle of splitting white to black round & round etc etc etc had a pattern.

If i did something that got me painted black it always caused someone else to be painted white. As soon as they did something that let the BPD down, I got painted white again. I discovered that all & any of my efforts to recover my being painted black were absolutely fruitless & would do nothing to alter her perception or thoughts on me. But if i just sat back & waited for the inevitable failure of the 'latest' white person, I automatically became white again.

It was kind of nice to finally realize i didn't need to put anymore effort into any more fruitless labors to change my position in her thinking. But equally frustrating that I never knew how long I'd have to sit back & wait for the turn around.

[jlovechronicles]

I've experienced the same thing as Moonie75. My BPD partner is constantly mad at, fighting or not talking to someone. If there is no one to argue with or be angry with, then it's me. She often hates her twin sister but occasionally she hates me and is close with her twin. I do what you do though, just wait it out and I didn't even realize that is what I started doing. I guess we all learn to adapt.

[simplyasiam]

hello confused, ive lived your post myself. my exdBPDg/f would always say she wanted to get her own place when she was cheating and wanted to move out.

this is what i know from living this for 6 years and now for the past 2 months being in daily contact with a women whos suffers from BPD but is now in here 2nd year of full time treatment and is taking control of her life. shes given me great insite to how some ppl with BPD think and why they do some of the things they do.

from my understanding when  ppl with BPD say they  regret most everything about thier life and everthing they have done they mean it.

when ppl suffering from BPD say they love you they mean it and are wanting you to know that becouse they are scared of losing you.

when ppl suffering from BPD say you dont know them anymore and are a diffrent person now they are telling you the truth.

the trouble is ppl with BPD that are not in treatment and not on the right meds and not 100% ready to get better are not stable. thier mood feelings wants needs likes dilikes and so on change by the week day hour min... . i hate you dont leave me.

ppl with BPD dont want this dont like this but are many times not in control of themself. dont know how to give to other they can be looking for happy to the point they trash everything are them no matter who it hurts.

its sad but we no matter how much we love them can not fix them. we can only control what we do

sometimes we have to let them go and move ourself into a better place even if it the hardest thing we have ever done.

i think that at times leaving someone to deal with the things they done maybe the greatest gift you can give them, its up to them what they do with the gift.

[simplyasiam]

forgot one point of your post... . dont they come back? yes many times they do BUT FOR HOW LONG? FEELING WANTS NEEDS AND SO CHANGE BY THE DAY HOUR MIN!

[SadWifeofBPD]

Sometimes they do come back, sometimes they don't.

I think that if they can jump to someone else to be their "support system" then they don't come back unless that new support system fails.

Those who know my story know that my H painted me Black Black twice in the past year, and twice he filed for divorce.  Both times he jumped from me being "his rock" to his brother being "his rock".  When I was black I was Hitler's Child... . the most evil person on the planet.  His brother forbid my H from having any contact with me both times.  However, after weeks of no contact, H would finally make contact behind his brother's back and then I'd be White within an hour or so.  Now, he has no contact with his brother and (hopefully) will continue to have no contact with him (his brother also has a PD, and he hates me for absolutely no reason... . his brother barely knows me). 

Now that I'm White again, I'm the most wonderful person on this planet. The smartest woman , the best wife, the best mother, etc. It's really crazy.  Tonight he said something about how wrong he was this past year and how he has to "make it up to me."  Whether he does, who knows.  It's just funny to hear knowing that a few months ago he was probably praying that I would get hit by a car.