Will uBPD mom invoke grandparent visitation rights?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've decided to have limited contact with my uBPD mother. I wrote her a letter saying such but haven't sent it yet. I haven't spoken to her for almost 3 months after she bungled the planning of my baby shower, delayed it for months, then finally cancelled my baby shower saying that it "wasn't worth it." She's called a few times in the last few months and her last voicemail a few days ago expressed concern that I'm "shutting her out" and keeping her away from my newborn son. My question: can she take me to court for grandparent visitation rights? I wouldn't put it past her to try to use my newborn son as a pawn to get to me. This is the only thing keeping me from sending the limited contact letter ASAP. It's also the thing keeping me from going fully NC. Does anyone have experience with this? I'm a single parent but I make a good salary and have no problem supporting my son and myself. In fact, until recently I was providing financial support for my mother as well. So my mother has no basis to argue that I'm an unfit parent. But I'm concerned that my status as a single parent might work against me.

[aubin]

I've decided to have limited contact with my uBPD mother. I wrote her a letter saying such but haven't sent it yet. I haven't spoken to her for almost 3 months after she bungled the planning of my baby shower, delayed it for months, then finally cancelled my baby shower saying that it "wasn't worth it." She's called a few times in the last few months and her last voicemail a few days ago expressed concern that I'm "shutting her out" and keeping her away from my newborn son. My question: can she take me to court for grandparent visitation rights? I wouldn't put it past her to try to use my newborn son as a pawn to get to me. This is the only thing keeping me from sending the limited contact letter ASAP. It's also the thing keeping me from going fully NC. Does anyone have experience with this? I'm a single parent but I make a good salary and have no problem supporting my son and myself. In fact, until recently I was providing financial support for my mother as well. So my mother has no basis to argue that I'm an unfit parent. But I'm concerned that my status as a single parent might work against me.

[nomom4me]

I do know a bit about this, my mom did assert grandparents rights.  I don't want to go into details about what my mom did, but I can tell you she did not get legal custody - she did get visitation.  In many situations the court may favor married parents over a single parent, but most family disputes get settled out of court.  I don't know what state you are in, where I live grandparents rights are specific to a grandparents with an established bond to the child and are more common with older kids or toddlers who grew up close to the grandparent.  I am not sure if that is the same in every state.  It might be a good idea to start saving any evidence you have of rages or instability from her, voicemail email etc. 

Congrads on the baby, it sounds like you are an excellent parent.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi aubin,

It's hard to say what your mother will do from here. If you suspect that she could try to do something legally, it might be best to talk to an attorney that is familiar with the laws in your state. She could take you to court, but whether or not she'd get any special grandparental rights is really dependent on the laws and your situation.

What do you hope will happen once you send the LC letter? How can you best prepare for her reaction to the letter?

[aubin]

Thanks for your responses. Nomom, I checked the laws in my state and it looks like they favor parents' rights, making it quite difficult for grandparents to get court-ordered visitation unless they can prove that visits are necessary for the safety and welfare of the child. Still not sure where that leaves me as a single parent. I will see if I can get a consult with a family lawyer though. My biggest fear is that she will get visitation, which would totally assert all her BPD fantasies about my inadequacies as a human being. How have you dealt with the forced visitation?

Geekygirl, I'm writing the letter for my own piece of mind but also to make my intentions clear to other family members. What i hope will happen is that she stops leaving these guilt/shaming messages on my voicemail. What will probably happen is that she panics and creates some dramatic (and untrue) story about me that she tells family and friends. I'm cc'ing the letter to my dad and sister so they at least are clear on what I've actually said and done. Otherwise, I'm really done with her and already feel freed just by writing the letter.

[nomom4me]

Hi Aubin, I will send you a private message with some more info - I am hesitant to get too specific in a public forum.  A family member (who happened to study clinical pysch) has some issues with internet stalking, and is enmeshed with my mother.

I get the guilt-trip voicemails too, the last one was on my birthday (thanks mom).  Save those. Guilt seems to be my moms currency du jour, she also gives conditional "gifts" that she likes to hold over my head, since I stopped accepting "gifts" it's now guilt every time I talk to her.  I get the stories too, and it's really difficult - I struggle with wanting to make a statement to family clearing my name.  Some of the stories are just so out there, you have to question the sanity of the person who believes them.  Extended family has seemed shocked when they see me and I'm just a normal person, my mom acts like I became a gypsy then I show up to an event in my Armani suit and people notice that there is a disconnect between who I am and what my mother says.  It is hard to make the effort to see people when my mom has dug such a deep hole of stories, I'm working on a more honest response to the questions people ask - usually I just say "I have no idea why she said that" and change the topic.