Are you having a hard time resolving the cognitive dissonance?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

There has been a few threads lately about struggling to understand how and why the person with BPD in your life was like two people.  It's given rise to a few posts about their intent and what was at the heart of their actions - usery, malicousness, etc versus when the person was kind and loving.

This thread isn't a discussion about those intentions.  It's about the struggle many members are having with those polarized feelings and why its may be difficult to come to terms with them and resolve them in the aftermath.

Cognitive Dissonance www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the discomfort experienced when simultaneously holding two or more conflicting cognitions: ideas, beliefs, values or emotional reactions. In a state of dissonance, people may sometimes feel "disequilibrium": frustration, hunger, dread, guilt, anger, embarrassment, anxiety, etc. [1]The phrase was coined by Leon Festinger in his 1956 book When Prophecy Fails, which chronicled the followers of a UFO cult as reality clashed with their fervent belief in an impending apocalypse. [2][3] Festinger subsequently (1957) published a book called A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance in which he outlines the theory. Cognitive dissonance is one of the most influential and extensively studied theories in social psychology.

The theory of cognitive dissonance in social psychology proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions, adding new ones to create a consistent belief system, or alternatively by reducing the importance of any one of the dissonant elements. [1]Cognitive dissonance is the distressing mental state that people feel when they "find themselves doing things that don't fit with what they know, or having opinions that do not fit with other opinions they hold." [4] A key assumption is that people want their expectations to meet reality, creating a sense of equilibrium. [5] Likewise, another assumption is that a person will avoid situations or information sources that give rise to feelings of uneasiness, or dissonance. [1]Cognitive dissonance theory explains human behavior by positing that people have a bias to seek consonance between their expectations and reality. According to Festinger, people engage in a process he termed "dissonance reduction," which can be achieved in one of three ways: lowering the importance of one of the discordant factors, adding consonant elements, or changing one of the dissonant factors. [6]This bias sheds light on otherwise puzzling, irrational, and even destructive behavior.

In an effort to not let psychology make us stupid one of the things is to turn the discussion to the things you did during the relationship and are doing now towards dissonance reduction. 

This comes in both healthy and unhealthy ways: minimizing feelings (unhealthy), rationalizing (unhealthy), distancing from harmful behavior (healthy), etc.

Are you struggling with these competing feelings? What is diffcult to come to terms with?  What do you think/feel about this?


PS don't make this thread solely about the other person.  Please try to talk about this in direct reference to you and your individual ex - stay away from the blanket generalizations.  I know they feel good but there is a overall clinical criteria for BPD (it doesn't involve things like they all chew bubble gum, dress funny, or are cheaters).   Your emotional health matters so give yourself a little time focusing on your feelings and thoughts.

[GreenMango]

There has been a few threads lately about struggling to understand how and why the person with BPD in your life was like two people.  It's given rise to a few posts about their intent and what was at the heart of their actions - usery, malicousness, etc versus when the person was kind and loving.

This thread isn't a discussion about those intentions.  It's about the struggle many members are having with those polarized feelings and why its may be difficult to come to terms with them and resolve them in the aftermath.

Cognitive Dissonance www.en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance

In psychology, cognitive dissonance is the discomfort experienced when simultaneously holding two or more conflicting cognitions: ideas, beliefs, values or emotional reactions. In a state of dissonance, people may sometimes feel "disequilibrium": frustration, hunger, dread, guilt, anger, embarrassment, anxiety, etc. [1]The phrase was coined by Leon Festinger in his 1956 book When Prophecy Fails, which chronicled the followers of a UFO cult as reality clashed with their fervent belief in an impending apocalypse. [2][3] Festinger subsequently (1957) published a book called A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance in which he outlines the theory. Cognitive dissonance is one of the most influential and extensively studied theories in social psychology.

The theory of cognitive dissonance in social psychology proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions, adding new ones to create a consistent belief system, or alternatively by reducing the importance of any one of the dissonant elements. [1]Cognitive dissonance is the distressing mental state that people feel when they "find themselves doing things that don't fit with what they know, or having opinions that do not fit with other opinions they hold." [4] A key assumption is that people want their expectations to meet reality, creating a sense of equilibrium. [5] Likewise, another assumption is that a person will avoid situations or information sources that give rise to feelings of uneasiness, or dissonance. [1]Cognitive dissonance theory explains human behavior by positing that people have a bias to seek consonance between their expectations and reality. According to Festinger, people engage in a process he termed "dissonance reduction," which can be achieved in one of three ways: lowering the importance of one of the discordant factors, adding consonant elements, or changing one of the dissonant factors. [6]This bias sheds light on otherwise puzzling, irrational, and even destructive behavior.

In an effort to not let psychology make us stupid one of the things is to turn the discussion to the things you did during the relationship and are doing now towards dissonance reduction. 

This comes in both healthy and unhealthy ways: minimizing feelings (unhealthy), rationalizing (unhealthy), distancing from harmful behavior (healthy), etc.

Are you struggling with these competing feelings? What is diffcult to come to terms with?  What do you think/feel about this?


PS don't make this thread solely about the other person.  Please try to talk about this in direct reference to you and your individual ex - stay away from the blanket generalizations.  I know they feel good but there is a overall clinical criteria for BPD (it doesn't involve things like they all chew bubble gum, dress funny, or are cheaters).   Your emotional health matters so give yourself a little time focusing on your feelings and thoughts.

[Perfidy]

Wow... . That is some deep stuff. I am unsure of the terms and what they even mean. Just reading that took me about three times just to make sure I didn't understand it. That is a piece written for pros and I ain't that guy.

[Perfidy]

I kind of have a rough idea of some of the broader idea. The changing personalities from one situation to the next. I saw this in my ex. She would alternately idealize/devalue. This really annoys me because it made me think that she was off balance and keeping me off balance. The different behaviors were predicated to who was around us. Generaly she would only devalue me when we were alone and toward the end anything would come flying outta her mouth at any given time. This made me feel like I didn't want to be around her. I was embarrassed many times to be her bf. sometimes I was downright ashamed.

[GreenMango]

Basic idea the mind wants consistency.

Reality to events.

Ex.  This person loves me yet they xyz that speaks otherwise.

And how this creates uncomfortable confusion.  And how people resolve this.

How do you resolve the facts of the disorder to your feelings? 

There's lots of ways people do it.  Villifying, walking away, rationalizing (making excuses), minimizing feelings, denial Acceptance, etc.

Acceptance the person is both is hard-it takes time.

[Perfidy]

I really have to think that I did accept it. I know that she was really messed up and I did love her in spite of it. I know how to love. i accepted her the way she was and didnt want her to change to suit me. I tried to show her that there was a better way but I didn't try to change her. I didn't preach to her or cut her down.  i dont think many people actually get the kind of love i give. I saw the differences in her emotions and her and I even discussed it at times. We were together a long time and I will agree with you. It was hard and it did take time.

[dangoldfool]

Cricket sounds... .


How do you resolve the facts of the disorder to your feelings?

For me I just looked at the facts that I could see. And after a bunch of crying, came to the only emotional conclusion that made scenes to me. I/she left and I have shut the door on contact. Funny thing is, if I were advising a friend, about this same type a relationship. I would tell him to hit the door running, and don't look back. Why can't I take my own advice for myself.  

[GreenMango]

Funny thing is, if I were advising a friend, about this same type a relationship. I would tell him to hit the door running, and don't look back. Why can't I take my own advice for myself.

Right!  And a good question. 

Why wasn't the facts alone good enough reason?  Good enough for others why not this person?  Doesn't the same rules apply to them when you are making decisions about who's a good person to be around?

[Bananas]

I don't completely grasp this but I'll give it a try. 

While in the r/s I was constantly rationalizing.  My ex had an excuse for everything and from the beginning I cut him slack because of his awful past.  Things kept piling up and looking back it became a sort of puzzle to me to try to figure out and solve why things weren't as the seemed.  Like a dog chasing it's tail.  Basically words and actions never adding up and the excuses one upping the last until everything exploded.  My ex was very depressed and small things set him off so I definitely minimized my feelings as well.  the "fixer" in me became addicted to trying to "fix it".

Now out of the r/s for awhile I am trying to practice healthy ways.  Distance has definitely helped.  Seeing things as they are and accepting them, that the actions do not match the words, the present person does not match the one that I knew, learning what I have learned here and in therapy, diagnosed or not, trusting my feelings that something is just "not right".  I accept that I will not find consistency, things will never match up and it is OK for me to quit trying.  Hope that makes sense, very hard to put into words.

[Ironmanrises]

I am definitely struggling with this. Sure I have read articles and hundreds of posts on here related to that... . but it is not easy to grasp. My exUBPDgf words and actions were constant contradictions. It would leave me off balance and even though the second time around I knew what was happening, I still felt like I was the one losing my mind. That began to have ripple effects on all my consequent reactions and what not. I realize I have a problem with boundaries as both times with her, my voice in the relationship towards the end became a whimper. The whole dual persona she exhibited, the way her face actually contorted at the very end... . really unnerved me. I accept that she is disordered. Understanding it... . where it makes sense to me... . my processing power is overloaded from the whole ordeal.

[Learning_curve74]

Cognitive dissonance:

My pre-existing beliefs: I am a strong self-confident person with morals who doesn't waste time with drama and chooses only be close to people that have high standards for their own behavior as well.

The real world events: I got into a relationship with a lying, cheating, alcoholic drama queen.

Reducing the cognitive dissonance: Telling myself that underneath it all, she really is a good sweet person who loves me. And besides, she really needs me to help save her.

That's the kind of thinking that leads to irrational acts like staying with somebody who is toxic for too long.



Her pre-existing beliefs: I am a worthless nobody and am unworthy of love. Everybody abandons me.

The real world events: She got into a relationship with a deeply loving and caring person (me/learning_curve) who tried to encourage her to love herself and realize her self-worth.

Reducing the cognitive dissonance: I (she/BPDex) need to push him (learning_curve) away by cheating, lying, and generating drama. If learning_curve really loves me, then he will stick with me, if he doesn't stick with me then my pre-existing belief was right and confirmed as usual.

What is totally crazy and irrational behavior to most people reduces her cognitive dissonance.


:'(  

[DeRetour]

By resolving, do you mean rationalizing, or do you simply mean how are we soothing ourselves from the confusion?

How do I resolve the cognitive dissonance?

Well, yes I’ve been confused... deep sadness, anger, feeling “less than”, moments of laughing at the absurdity of the whole situation, but generally an overall feeling of deep depression with a layer of anxiety... ughh.

Resolving dissonance during the relationship:

I can see some real similarities between this girl and my own mother. I hated to think this, but both had a tendency to sort of be there, but slip away and keep me on edge. Man, I feel so STUPID for staying all that time! But, like with my mom, I couldn’t express being angry – there was always the threat of leaving. So, I’d hold it in. So with this girl, the pattern was so familiar to me, felt like "home" that I suppose I rationalized it as being deeply in love.

Bananas described this quite well: I, too, was addicted to fixing and trying to make sense of the extremes in mood and intimacy. On the one hand, I wanted to eliminate all feelings of concern that she might have been cheating, given some of the lies that I had already found on her. I told myself I was being too much of a worrier. I worried a lot about what she posted on social media. It was often inconsistent with the girl who told me she wanted to grow old together. I kept thinking that her moodswings would just stabilize as she became more secure in me, in us. I kept waiting for some light to go off in her, for there to be some great epiphany where she’d realize how devoted I was to her and would feel secure enough to let her guard down and allow herself to become more stable and grounded, more firmly and solidly MY GIRLFRIEND, not seeking attention anywhere else. I get so angry even thinking how long I stuck around, thinking I’d have a life partner. I digress, sorry.

Resolving since the breakup:  

I attempt to make sense of this by reminding myself that these traits are not healthy – that what I saw of the relationship was just the tip of the iceberg. Of course thinking about that hurts me and I feel shame for being gullible.

EDIT: So essentially it's a matter of remembering that the pieces of this puzzle will not fit in some rational way. The only way it makes sense is to realize that the pwBPD lacks a stable sense of self, and therefore behaves this way.

[WXYZ]

In my case, the events (inappropriate behaviours that don’t correlate to love, trust, respect, etc) that gave rise to cognitive dissonance started very slowly and insidiously.  

The thing is, at the time, I believed that her love was genuine and healthy.  I believed the bond we shared (relationship wise) was rooted in all things good and decent.  When the first sign of trouble arose I honestly believed it was just a slight ‘hiccup’ – after all, relationships do take a certain amount of give and take.  But over time, a pattern emerged.  

In retrospect, I have come to realise that this so called ‘hiccup’ was in fact a red flag – I should have listened to my ‘gut’ (cognitive dissonance) and dealt with the situation ‘head-on’  instead of rationalising it away as just a ‘hiccup’.

At first it wasn’t so much about the breaching of boundaries, but her undermining the relationship by expressing the desire to put priority elsewhere in her life such that we would see much less of each other . We never lived together thankfully.  Then there were subtle (and not so subtle) jibes (all in good fun of course ).  And so it escalated . Again, in retrospect, it was just a never ending series of sh!t test.  Luckily I did come to my senses reasonably quickly but I should have ended it much earlier.

Bad GUT feeling = cognitive dissonance = red flag

Lesson learned is to address red flags immediately and if they continue just walk away and never look back.

Kinda like 3 trikes and you're OUT!  

The dissonant part was this: you cannot at one and the same time profess love (lifelong commitment to another person to the exclusion of all others) and then behave in such a way that undermines this BOND. 

It's Incongruous!

[GreenMango]

It's not going to be rational or congruent.  That's why its confusing.

Resolving it = accepting that while there's a definition to the disorder there isn't a going to be a sufficient explanation ultimately.  It just is.  It might not ever be right but it happened. 

People with BPD are dealing with their own level of this same thing.  You saw this when they said they love you then said they hated you.  Or they clung like gum on your shoe to pulling away from you like you had the plague.  What you got to see was a person deep in the throws if their own emotional confusion. 

Several of you mentioned how you've handled it by identifying unhealthy behavior and adjusting how you approach that.  That's one of the lessons in these relationships - you find out what you don't know about yourself and what you need to know to not travel down this path again.

[Lady31]

learningcurve & wxyz are on the money here with some points. 

Dissonance reduction: I used probably all three. 

At times I lowered the importance of something he did that was bad/unhealthy.  Like making excuses for his verbal abuse by either chalking it up to he had a bad day and is under extreme amounts of stress rather than seeing it as UNACCEPTABLE/THERE IS NO EXCUSE - OR - not actually even considering his behavior abuse to begin with when it was.

At times I added consonant elements by adding in my own version of backstory or reality to his behavior.  Like psychoanalyzing his behavior and perhaps the reasons for it, giving him some sort or reason or excuse to be the way he is and not holding him accountable - OR - by telling myself the real underlying reason for something he did was completely something else as though he was coming from a place of love but didn't show it the same way I do.

At times I changed the dissonant factors by conveniently FORGETTING some the horrible behavior all together, or remembering it differently than it happened.  This was the most shocking behavior on MY PART as I read back through journals thinking, I forgot that even happened!  How could I NOT have seen what a POC this man really was and when there is behavior like that there is absolutely NO excuse for it!  ?

Exactly what learning curve said - this particular coping mechanism is the key, or at least a foundational one, that allows us to stay much longer than we should in these toxic situations.

[Bach Cantatas]

In my case, the events (inappropriate behaviours that don’t correlate to love, trust, respect, etc) that gave rise to cognitive dissonance started very slowly and insidiously... .

... . It's Incongruous!

A very fine and enlightening post, if I may say so! So much of what you posted rings true and could almost describe my situation. Unfortunately, my relationship continued for a considerable time (almost four years) and I still feel very pained after almost five months of NC (including NC from her also) but I would strongly recommend your advice of "follow your gut instinct" to anyone fearing they may be facing such a situation and hopefully his or her trauma will be lessened.

[Blaise]

To stop longing for my dBPDexgf, I have to tell the little boy in me that my dBPDexgf is not good for him and this is hard as he only wants to "get back home", get back to what he is used to (i.e. be abused and keep trying to improve himslef to get the love he needs).

It is much less of an effort to rationalize things and agree with little boy that at least he was not alone in life. To agree with him that he needs to save ex gf who has been abandonned by her father and who has such a difficult life.

This said, I am struggling a bit with the concept because I think that there are not only two, but three involved here: me (my brain), the little boy and the xyz (instinct?) who saw the red flags.

[eternity75]

This is a really great post. I have been asking myself the same question in my relationship. Why am I accepting things that are not part of my value and belief system?

My uBPDbf is a cheater... . and a liar... . but I can never really tell exactly when he's doing either. I sense it. I have caught him in major lies (said he got a call from his mom in Mexico that his brother sent to jail in Mexico and he (bf) had to send $2600 bail money to his mom in Mexico to get him out and this had him so upset that he could not go camping with me that weekend- checked his call logs and found out he had no calls at or even around the time that he told me he rec'd the call from his mom... . HUGE lie just to get out of camping!)

So what HAVE I been doing?

It's true, the feelings that come along with this cognitive dissonance (although I didn't realize that is what it was) are extremely uncomfortable. I still wish I had walked out the door like I planned on, tried to, etc the first time I found out he cheated rather than allow him to convince me to stay. I have found myself making many justifications for his behaviour which I find completely unacceptable. The feelings that go along with it (for me) are disgust, shame, EXTREME anxiety, mistrust, anger, embarrassment, and feelings and actions of craziness (due to extreme anxiety around cheating) and being completely unbalanced.

I have justified by saying to myself "We live 5 hours apart, he's a man and has needs"

"Well if his sexual messages to other women are ONLY to make him feel better about himself and not taken any further than maybe it's ok"

"He's such a good man in every other way that maybe I can learn to live with it" (OMG REALLY?)

""Maybe when he was searching for prostitutes online, he was really just doing it out of curiosity"

"He lies to me because my reactions are so strong when I find out that he's scared to tell me the truth... . I really should try to remain calm and not overreact to things so he doesn't feel bad"

"Maybe all these women he is texting with all day long really are just friends and their attention just serves to make him feel better about himself"

Meanwhile, I'm sitting at home, in a ball of anxiety, crying my eyes out imagining all the women he could be out with, or planning to be out with, or exchanging naked pictures with or whatever. I am feeling worthless. I am feeling forgotten. The craziness that I mentioned is compulsively checking Facebook, his call logs, etc. Freaking out of too much time goes by and he doesn't call or text (when I know he's not working), breaking up with him constantly and then taking him back when he calmly says "sorry I was at hit_'s (male friend's house) working on the car and was dirty and greasey so couldn't use my phone. I love you. I don't want to fight" (he's over there a lot working on a variety of cars and of course being 5 hours away I have no way to prove or disprove this). The constant breaking up with him only to get back together 5 minutes or an hour or a day later ensures that he doesn't take me seriously because I don't follow through... . longest I went was a week

His own cognitive dissonance? "All day long "I love you's" but he can be texting  or calling 5 or 10 other girls all day long as well. I love you, but can forget me completely when he's busy with his friends, I love you, but seeing me once every 2-3 weeks was too much so now it's more like every 5-6 weeks, I love you but no recognition of special days (our 6 month anniversary, christmas, valentine's day, and certainly no gifts, I love you and want a future with you but constantly trying to find the right replacement, I love you but doesn't want to meet my family or friends or have me meet his. *Sigh*

My friend told me if she was with a guy who was like this (she doesn't even know the 1/2 of it) I wqould be telling her to kick him to the curb. I would be angry for her. I would not like to see her tolerating this punishment with someone who so obviously has no regard for her feelings and whose actions and words do not match up. She is absolutely right. *big sigh*

[dangoldfool]

Funny thing is, if I were advising a friend, about this same type a relationship. I would tell him to hit the door running, and don't look back. Why can't I take my own advice for myself.

Right!  And a good question. 

Why wasn't the facts alone good enough reason?  Good enough for others why not this person?  Doesn't the same rules apply to them when you are making decisions about who's a good person to be around?

I think that your feelings are like a strong drug addiction. You know you should stop using the drug. But until the drug/BPD leaves you sitting in jail/by yourself. The giving it up is like trying to quit something cold turkey. No amount of hearing a friend telling you how bad it is, will make you stop getting that fix each time. The BPD is an addiction, plain an simple. The question is, what will be my next new addiction... .    

[dangoldfool]

 

[dancinginthelight]

Bananas

Now out of the r/s for awhile I am trying to practice healthy ways.  Distance has definitely helped.  Seeing things as they are and accepting them, that the actions do not match the words, the present person does not match the one that I knew, learning what I have learned here and in therapy, diagnosed or not, trusting my feelings that something is just "not right".  I accept that I will not find consistency, things will never match up and it is OK for me to quit trying.  Hope that makes sense, very hard to put into words.

Reply



So true, And never again will I ignore my intuition when something tells me somethings

definitely amiss.

[nevaeh]

In my case, the events (inappropriate behaviours that don’t correlate to love, trust, respect, etc) that gave rise to cognitive dissonance started very slowly and insidiously... .

... . It's Incongruous!

I should start by saying I am still trying to end 18 yr marriage to uBPDh... . hopefully sometime this fall.

This is a very deep and interesting subject - one that I have actually thought a lot about over the years although never really put a name to it.

I think in the beginning, when H and I started dating, H somehow saw what I "needed" from a relationship and he tried really hard to give that to me.  But the reality was that he was always pretending/trying to be something he really wasn't.  He grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family.  Both his parents had pretty bad tempers.  I suspect his dad had BPD as well, and his mom was not emotionally capable of handling it so she became bitter and angry and lashed out at everyone as a result.  So, H had no good example of how to be a good husband/father.

I, being naive, thought that I could "fix" him.  It took me many years to realize that it was more than just not having had a good father figure.

Cognitive dissonance in relation to my H:  

• When it comes to politics or practices, etc, he has a very strong opinion and will fight to the death to prove he is right.  However, when we would have "serious" discussions about our relationship and how to fix it, he would always say "what do you want me to say? what do you want me to do? just tell me and I will do it"  I always got so frustrated with this because I wanted him to be able to look at the situation and tell me what he thought he should/could do!  At those times I saw it as him just not wanting to try... . but after gaining an understanding about BPD, I realize that in actuality he really doesn't KNOW what to do and relies on me to tell him what is "right".



• The level of intimacy in our relationship - H complains incessantly about the lack of sex in our marriage.  I tell him that I don't feel emotionally connected to him and it is difficult for me to want to have sex with him.  He tells me to separate the emotions from the sex.  He also tells me that he is "done trying" to fix our relationship (as if he ever had tried to fix it and has been working SO hard at it).  I tell him that it will be impossible for me to fix our relationship all by myself if he isn't trying.  He told me I would just need to figure it out.  The bottom line is that he claims that if I give him more frequent and exciting sex, that he will become more emotionally attached to me and will not lose his temper anymore so therefore I will want to give him sex more because I will love him again.  The point of this is that he easily separates love from sex and does nothing to improve the love part of our relationship.



• At time when we have had huge fights or when he has lost his temper with one of our kids he does acknowledge that he doesn't know what comes over him... . that he can see afterwards that he crossed a line but then he feels guilty afterwards and doesn't feel like he is worthy of forgiveness, vows to get better, then repeats the same behavior weeks/sometimes days/sometimes hours later.  I have a practical understanding about how that has to be a very difficult thing to wrestle with, especially when logically it seems like you should be able to control your thoughts/emotions/actions.

In relation to me... .

The idea of cognitive dissonance basically describes the entire 23 years that I have been with my husband.  The little voice in my head saying this guy is no good for you, you need to leave him.  The other little voice in my head saying he can't help himself, he doesn't know better, he loves you the best he can, things will get better just be patient.

Just as it has to be frustrating for the pwBPD to understand how he can BE two different people, it is incredibly frustrating to ME that I put up with it and make excuses for his behavior.  I have tolerated and made excuses for so long that I feel as though I have completely lost myself.  

There have been times (sometimes months at a time) where H was a great husband and I could honestly say during those times that I was so happy I felt as though I would burst.  But most of our marriage has been one of riding out the storm and waiting for H to get through his dark times.

I have been "ready" to divorce my husband no less than 5 times over the past 18 years.  I have seen a lawyer 3 times, once after an intense affair he had.  Yet, every single time I have been unable to pull the trigger, so to speak.  Much of the reason for that is because I didn't want kids to be around H without me being there so I stuck around with the idea that I could protect them.  

Where I am at right now is that I am ready to leave.  However, I don't want to hurt him and I know that by leaving him I will be taking away the only things that mean anything to him - the kids and I.  Why do I care?  Trying to reconcile in my mind why in the world I want to leave him SO BADLY, yet can't seem to pull the trigger because I am concerned about HIM is so utterly maddening to me!  This is the ONE issue that I have to reconcile/figure out in my mind before I can move ahead.  Sometimes I think that I am so stuck in the love him/hate him mindset that I don't know how to just hate him.  I don't know if that makes sense but I know that I need to move past this if I am to make any progress towards leaving him.

In reading posts by others, I realize that I am no different than any of you.  He is a bad drug and I need to get off of that bad drug.  Everything about him is in conflict with my own values and morals and doesn't even come close to being the kind of husband I need him to be.  I feel unloved and unvalued.  

I have a very poignant memory of when I was about 17 years old, sitting on a rock by my favorite lake, a place of peace where I used to go and think about things.  I was there one day, dreaming about what my life would be like.  I dreamed of a husband who would laugh with me and our children, a husband who would wrap his arms around me and look into the sunset with me, who would protect me from the world and tell me that he loved me.  The husband I have is the exact opposite of what I dreamed of so many years ago.  I am beyond sad that I allowed myself to stay in this ugly relationship for so long.  I am mad at him for not being that person and I am mad at myself for staying all of these years him.

Since many of you have already left your pwBPD, were there certain methods you used to change your way of thinking so that there was no cognitive dissonance... . so that you could finally see the "right" way to live?  My BPDh will not leave me so I know I will need to be the one who ends it.  So for those of you who had to end it, how did you coach yourself emotionally to move ahead?

Thank you for starting this thread.  I have found the responses to be very thought provoking.

[happylogist]

I had serious issues with cognitive dissonance - of trying to understand in which imaginary drawer to put him, how to classify his behavior and our relationship.

I was reading a lot and sometimes it helped, sometimes it didn't. While in the relationship I even started reading astrological charts to get a bit of idea about what was going on, to see the bright future I asked him questions about his past relationships and about his attitude towards me. I also blamed myself a lot, tried to put myself in his shoes, understand that I was not always right and often I was also emotional when I needed to be rational.  Also rationalized that he is a man and he has needs  Mirrored his thoughts a lot, about what is normal and what is not, about our "special" bond, assumed that in some circumstances cheating is not cheating and unwillingness to be with me - is also acceptable without questioning his love.  At the end decided that he doesn't love me enough, tried to be just friends, but again struggled with dissonance: he wouldn't show a true friend behavior. To summarize, in the beginning I had a lot of guilt of not being able to understand him and being egoistic for wanting to be with him while he was just after the break-up, being convinced that if only I show him enough love - he would realize how much important I am in his life... for FIXING him.  

Also reading some fiction made it worse. I remember reading about books that celebrate that one and the only great love and thinking that maybe things are not working well between us because I do not show him all the love I can give and this is why he pushes me away.  I became very hurt and angry each time he was avoiding me. When nothing worked and all explanations and even predictions did not make sense I started reading a lot of blogs about relationships and how to behave... Again I asked a lot questions about hypothetical situations...  I read a lot about "being yourself" and expressing our needs - and tried doing so, received a lot of blame  and even resistance to talk to me.  I was crying each morning (still I do except today!) trying to answer whether he misses me or thinking about me and then realizing that probably not. Asking again whether he will miss me one day or realize how "special" we were... . Questions, questions, questions, with either no answers or sad answers.

I found at one point about BPD (actually because when telling about him, two of my friends asked me whether he is bipolar) and was very much confused whether he has anything. At the end I found this website and it made a lot sense. Part of my cognitive dissonance is solved now. I am not asking questions so often and I am not changing my attitude towards him 1000 times during the day... .  I want to believe that when he contacts me I will not let myself to get "high".

I do still have a weird feeling of not knowing whether it was all me or he would be able to find someone to be perfectly happy with without changing himself though... .

[WXYZ]

This is such a great thread GreenMango – I reckon you’ve really ‘nailed it’ by bringing up the whole cognitive dissonance thing as it draws our attention to exactly the right ‘place’ in order to evaluate, understand & heal.

The confusion, turmoil, pain, etc we have all experienced as a result of being involved with a pwBPD is all about us – not them!  Seems kind of ironic doesn’t it. Trying to understand why pwBPD do what they do is ‘interesting’ but that’s about as far as it goes – it’s a ‘dry well’ – and in the final analysis is actually irrelevant.

If we think healing & closure comes from this line of enquiry we are very much mistaken. The only thing that matters is why in the face of being treated like crap in the name of ‘love’ (giving rise to cognitive dissonance) did we make the choice(s) to continue to be involved.  How did we deal with the dissonance in the face of a pattern of relationship destroying behaviour?

It’s not about bashing ourselves up for having made poor choices.  It’s about recognising why we made those choices – recognising OUR erroneous reasoning in an attempt resolve the dissonance and thus remain in a vulnerable position ready for the next onslaught of mentally disordered BPD behaviour.

And this line of enquiry – recognising our choices and why (OUR thinking processes) – leads us into a position of personal understanding, personal growth, health, establishing excellent boundaries & having the courage & strength of conviction to enforce them, etc.   All things good.  And by so doing, not only do we find closure & healing but there’s a huge BONUS:

The New and Improved ME.

Very Empowering Stuff

Thanks again Mango!  

[GreenMango]

Trying to understand why pwBPD do what they do is ‘interesting’ but that’s about as far as it goes – it’s a ‘dry well’ – and in the final analysis is actually irrelevant.

Most of us came here did this - Intellictualizing choas instead of taking it in assessing why its odd, awkward, uncomfortable, hurtful or just plain messed up.

Intellectualizing is coping mechanism that can bite ya, taken too far it can lead to all kinds of misery.

The thing that helped me get a handle on it was assessing my values, principle, and those boundaries.  Boning up on this has been a great fall back position.  A great barometer for what I need to do if things get wonky.

[WXYZ]

The thing that helped me get a handle on it was assessing my values, principle, and those boundaries.  Boning up on this has been a great fall back position.  A great barometer for what I need to do if things get wonky.

Pretty simple huh

Just enforce the boundaries

Don't even think about trying to sh!t test me - there will be consequences ... .

No exceptions, no excuses, no BS

You have been warned  

[DeRetour]

Ah! So basically this is yet another way of understanding that the more constructive approach to recovery lies in focusing on what kept each of us in this dysfunctional relationship.

Most of us came here did this - Intellictualizing choas instead of taking it in assessing why its odd, awkward, uncomfortable, hurtful or just plain messed up.

Intellectualizing is coping mechanism that can bite ya, taken too far it can lead to all kinds of misery.

So, GreenMango, just to look at this from another angle - would you say that by not enforcing the boundaries, most of us ended up intellectualizing the chaos as a coping strategy?

deretour

[KellyO]

I had a hard time to understand the whole topic, and when I understood I had to think HARD 

Cognitive Dissonance was non-exicting thing for me when it came to other people BEFORE I met my ex. I had a simple rule: believe what people say.  If their actions and words don't match, believe the actions. No BS about "they don't mean it", they do. Take words seriously, because when people let frogs out from their mouth, they are telling the thruth about what they think. And always remember, whatever strange stuff people do, there is a psychological reward somewhere lurking.

And when I fell in love, I forgot this all. Cognitive Dissonance became a very existing thing for me.

How I delt with it? I blaimed myself. I was sure whatever was going on, I was the source of it, not the other person who actually was acting like a teenager in amfetamine. I tried to change myself. I tried to change circumtances. I tried to make it go away by taking actions against it, or more like, taking actions against ME. I tried to adapt.

How I finally saw it? By accepting that there was nothing I could do, and the rules I had before him still existed. I accepted that he gets a psychological reward from his behaviour. I concentrated in seeing that reward. I accepted that he is not Jekyll & Hide, he is one whole  person full of psychological problems and it is his decicion to be unconcious about it. There is no good/bad-him. He is he. Always.

Seeing past the Cognitive Dissonance is challenging, because it blinds you and keeps you struggling in it. I believe disordered people unknowingly can manipulate us with it. By unknowingly I mean: they have developed skillset to manipulate us very early and honed these skills in every encounter with other people. By the time they are adults their actions are knee-jerk reactions to situations. For them, it is a norm to manipulate. Cognitive Dissonance is only one way to contol us.

[Blaise]

Bad GUT feeling = cognitive dissonance = red flag

Thank you for this. I always felt there was third voice in me beside what my head and my emotions tell me. I would have called it my "instinct". I understand that it was in fact the dissonance between the two that made me sense there was something wrong.

The fact is that I sensed all the red flags. But I explained them away or just chose (bias... . ) to ignore them.

Very good thread and excellent posts!

[tailspin]

 

It's difficult to understand the mental confusion/cognitive dissonance that erupts when the person you love turns into someone else.  When consistent behavior is expected, and does not occur, you are left with this twilight void where you are forced to reconcile the 2 behaviors and come to a logical conclusion.  Unfortunately, a logical conclusion will never be realized when these conflicting behaviors are a result of mental illness.   This inability for us to reach a logical conclusion/explanation is known as cognitive dissonance.

We experience cognitive dissonance because we try to apply logic to understand a mental illness.  This struggle to rationalize and understand our experiences results in further anxiety and obsessive thoughts.  It is the equivalent of mental quicksand. 

The same principle for survival applies:  stop struggling.  Radical acceptance of BPD helps fill in the mental (or cognitive) gaps, however, the emotional gaps remain.  In order to fill in these emotional gaps, we must travel to the source of our own emotional pain.  Understanding "why" a person behaves as they do doesn't begin to scratch the surface of why we didn't think we deserved better. 

tailspin

[GreenMango]

Cognitive dissonance is not by far the only reason people got into to these relationships, stayed or the only reason the recovery seems to take a long time.

It's can be a huge hurdle in getting traction on the recovery.

- would you say that by not enforcing the boundaries, most of us ended up intellectualizing the chaos as a coping strategy?

Everyone is a little different on how they cope and which defense mechanisms they use.  Inappropriate intellectualizing is just one of many.  Some are healthy some not so healthy.  But it can twist our own thinking a bit. 

I would say that most of us here at one point or another needed to mature or learn a few things.  That we didn't have great skills or know what a healthy relationship really is.  Getting wrapped up in an unhealthy relationship and overly emotional investment with someone who is unhealthy at large costs to ourselves - that level of self sacrificing - is not a great sign.