If they have done a lot of cheating in the past... will it continue?

[popeye6031]

I wanted to find out from everyone if their SO with BPD/uBPD has continued cheating after promising they would never hurt you again?

I recently found out that my uBPD gf cheated on me many times in the last year.  Now these people I found out from are ex friends but when she fell out with one of them, I was forced to delete and block all of them from my FB.

They told me of many kissing incidents, 3 guys being slept with and 1 guy, which I suspected, she had a rather long fling with and developed feelings for.  Some of these things occurred just weeks after we got engaged.  Now, of course, she is stone cold denying any of it, though it all fits in place with past events and my gut tells me that it happened for sure.  She was acting way too apologetic and guilty about it.  Of course, since I have decided to talk to her again, she has completely forgotten the discussion and is already telling me what a horrible bf I am, never appreciate what she does for me, am so selfish and no wonder she will cheat on me in the end (I laughed at this).

Anyway, is she likely to cheat again or can she ever change?  If I am honest, I don't know if I care anymore and think I just want a way out of this now.

[Chunk Palumbo]

In my experience, without therapy, there'll remain an unbridled desire to be promiscuous. Whether that ultimately results in the inevitability of infidelity, I don't know.

Monkey branching from one relationship to the next would be an even harder habit to break, I'd imagine.

[Moonie75]

Without treatment & significant behavioural changes, absolutely YES it will continue!

They can't help it, they 'need' the validation of as many as possible. The more the better as it tops their ego up & keeps the emptiness down!

It's almost involuntary because their desperation to fill their internal black hole is uncontrollable. Genuinely uncontrollable because the BPD condition also comes with extreme difficulty controlling impulses & desires!

It's a no brainer! It will go on & on as long as that 'black hole of shame' needs blocking out with validating attention!

Sorry mate but that's the truth if it.

[eternity75]

Yes. My BPDbf cried, sobbed, clung, and begged for forgiveness. He promised, exact words "I promise I will never hurt you like this again".  A month later I felt something was up. I went on his facebook and found many sexual messages to other women. One was to the woman he cheated on me with, written 3 days after the incident where he was caught and made all the promises, asking "When can I see you again?"

I've taken him back countless times now after many incidents of finding out various things. And each time I have been hurt again.

So yes, they are likely to continue. Sorry to say.

[simplyasiam]

yes

[pecia]

 I am sorry to hear you are going through this as well. My udBPDh has continued to cheat and blame me for it, saying I didn't give him enough sexual attention. He lied to my face when I confronted him every time. The only time he ever admitted it was when he picked a crazy one that contacted me when he dumped her. They never stop lying. Mine refuses treatment so he probably will always do it. I am just trying to heal my heart up enough to leave. It is hard. Hang in there. - pecia

[hurtbyboderline]

I've been in a relationship with my BPDGF for almost 5 years now. At the beginning (after 2 months together) she left me to go back with her ex & at that time I found out she'd never stopped seeing him. She went back with him for 2 months & then back to me. I caught her over at his house twice in the first year. She promised it'd never happen again. Then a month ago she went there again. For 10 minutes at 8 am on a Sunday morning. What do you do at your ex's house at 8 am for 10 minutes? (I'm a night person who gets up at noon so she figured she wouldn't get caught). I've suspected her of affairs with other guys several times but no proof. I think a 30 minute round trip drive to stay 10 minutes is proof in my book. Proof? Amazing what you can find out with a TAGG Pet Tracker! (available online for store pick up at Best Buy). It'll find someone's location to within 20 feet! Anyway, I haven't confronted her yet but my therapist & Shrink Doctor both say "LEAVE HER"... . Thank you for this post as even though I know she'll never quit cheating I still need to be reminded... .   xxx

[hurtbyboderline]

Let me add that I've NEVER in my 66 years seen someone who can lie like she can! She'll look you right in the eye & lie with ease! No outwardly 'clues' at all! They are pro's when it comes to lying! (spelled wrong?)... . I'm going to try to cut it off for good. Wish me luck!   

[popeye6031]

Let me add that I've NEVER in my 66 years seen someone who can lie like she can! She'll look you right in the eye & lie with ease! No outwardly 'clues' at all! They are pro's when it comes to lying! (spelled wrong?)... . I'm going to try to cut it off for good. Wish me luck!  

Very true, pwBPD's ability to lie is unbelievable, like they have had special training.  Probably something to do with their lack of empathy for their partner's feelings or their inability to feel shame and guilt.  If my gf is pushed too far on the accusations she will resort to reverse accusations or belittle me to others for making her feel bad.

Yes, your spelling is spot on and good luck with cutting it off... Can't believe you are seeing this sort of thing at 66.

Thanks for all the other replies guys and gals.  I know what I am in for if I stay in this relationship and have to say my love is not enough to put up with it.  I iust have to decide what way to handle ending it.

[hurtbyboderline]

LOL "Like they have had special training"! Not that cheating is funny but that is SO true! Oh, I didn't even mention the accusations about ME being a cheater! In the almost 5 years I've been with her I've never cheated & I've been 'hit on' a couple of times. Hit on by women I would have loved to have slept with. But I wouldn't do it. Well I'm 66 but she's 45. Don't know if this matters or not. When we first got together she made a comment that she'd never been in a relationship where she didn't cheat. But I figured it be different with me! LOL... . Back to accusations that I'm cheating. I can't be away from her for even an hour without being flooded with phone calls. Where are you? What are you doing? If I don't answer I get; "Who are you with"? "Are you sleeping with someone else"? "Are you having sex with ****"? (insert a name). "Are you at a motel"? ... . Thanks for posting, I needed to read about 'others' issues!   

[popeye6031]

Back to accusations that I'm cheating. I can't be away from her for even an hour without being flooded with phone calls. Where are you? What are you doing? If I don't answer I get; "Who are you with"? "Are you sleeping with someone else"?" 

Jeez, are we dating the same person?  Like an exact description of the common questions I get .  I have been reading over viber conversations I had with her the past 9 months.  Was getting so frustrated reading them, the same emotionally draining and accusing conversations over and over again.  And I can pick out from those conversations when she cheated.  Not had contact for 4 days now since I would not giver her my new FB password, which I changed after finding out about the infidelities.  I have to admit I might be thinking of her, but I am not missing her and I am a lot happier for it.

[charred]

Yes it will continue.

With people... history is a good indicator of what the future will bring.

Think one of the biggest mistakes we make in general (not just with pwBPD)... is to assume we are different/special.

If you meet someone and they jump in to bed quickly with you... . that is what they do, jump in to bed quickly with new people.

Our ego doesn't like to accept reality at times... . the behavior you have had, is what you are most likely to get. The exception is if it has been wonderful (idealizing)... and they are BPD... . then what you will get is likely to be heartache.

People can change... . but typically don't change... .   fast, or just because you wish they would.

[papawapa]

Yes it will continue. They are damn good at hiding it too. I think about the only way you could prevent it is to attach them to your hip, go everywhere with them, not let them out of your sight. Even that probably wouldn't be enough. They would probably make arrangements to meet some guy in a bathroom for a quickie.

[topknot]

It continues, but for me, the frustration was that in a normal relationship, if that happened, the person with his hand in the cookie jar would sheepishly say, "Yes, I did it, and I'm sorry." What makes us nons feel like we are losing our minds is that every flipping person you catch them with is a "friend". My standard answer always was, "I DON'T SLEEP WITH MY FRIENDS!" 

[confusedhubby]

They cannot stop cheating. Its a pattern of behavior that will not change.

They need that validation no matter what. It helps them fill the void / emptiness inside. A BPD by definition is impulsive and reckless.

My experience was that my wife (we are in midst of divorce after 14 years together) cheated with me with at least 20+ guys in last 12 months of our relationship. Then when we finally called it quits she started serial dating and latched on to one looser in particular. Within 3 weeks she claimed to be in love! He moved and she could not stop telling everyone how incredible she felt. She told me she had not felt like this in 20 years! Funny thing was however that despite her proclamations of love she continued to cheat on the new guy. By my count she has been with at least 4 other men in the six weeks she has been with him!

This will not stop anytime soon.