finding this is surreal

[suffering_parent]

I have been married for 11.5 years to my wife who I believe suffers from BPD.   She recently left me and filing for divorce.  A friend pointed out BPD to me.

I have suffered for years in a state of confusion trying to figure out how to please her.   I sacrificed EVERYTHING I was and had for her.    Every day was an emotional roller coaster and I was always the problem.   It was just non-stop screaming and emotional abuse.   I was always always walking on egg shells.   She demanded my attention non-stop.   I worked at home usually less then 40 hrs per week.   All of my time was given to her.   Yet non-stop guilt about not giving her my time.

The article on the evolution of love relationship matches us 100%.   Every single word of it.   Every sentence made me cry.   I wish I knew this sooner.

My problem now is we have four kids.   She has used them as pawns for years.   Anytime she couldn't get her way she threatened to walk and take my kids.   I adore my children and did almost anything to prevent this.

Finally she did in fact due this.   After she left she was homeless with our kids for 2.5 weeks.   She stayed at every crazy persons house she knew.   She put them in a lot of danger.   Police were called to one place they stayed for an emotional melt down and screaming.   She got involved sexually with another man with my kids present and aware.   She met up with another men who offered them cocaine.   My kids went through hell.

During that time I busted my but to the kids home.   I now have temp custody of them.   She is already into her second relationship since leaving.   Some 20 yr old kid with no job, no car, living with his parents.   She is 32 with 4 kids!    The insanity of it all just never stops.

She moved 6 hrs away from me and her kids to start this new life.   She claimed she had some new job there.   Of course it wasn't true.   She had been in contact with these men and had it planned.   She is now homeless, jobless, and dating a loser.    My kids are really hurting have mom walk out like this.

She is trying to sue me in civil court for abusing her of all things.   She accuses me of financial and emotional abuse.   I had a good income, she lived a good life and spent all our money.   How bad was it?   I bought *1* pair of athletic shoes for $60 in 11 years of marriage.   She guilted me for 6 months about it.   Yet she would drop that much cash every hour.   She was also very emotional abusive with all the non-stop verbal abuse.   It didn't stop at me either, our kids got plenty of it.

I just ordered the book splitting, because I think I am in one hell of a ride out of this marriage.

It is really hard because you still love them, yet they just cut you out.   She is so beautiful on the outside she has men lined up at the door.   On the surface at first she seems like the dream girl.  It is really really hard.   Plus with her seriously troubled child hood and horrible relationships you feel like that knight stepping in to help her.   I am having a hard time trying not to help her even after all of this.

With four kids I can never really remove her from my life.

This is only the tip of a huge iceberg of 11 years of difficulty.   I have a lot of patience and love, but I am emotionally spent.   I am refocusing back to myself and kids.   She stomped my existence out.

All I can hope for is that she gets help.   My kids still need her and love her.

[BenTired]

Atvfan... . While I'm certainly not qualified to give you any advice, there are plenty of people here who can. I feel your pain more than you know. Someone will chime in to help you... . We are all here for you though...

[Learning_curve74]

It's so crazy, words probably can't express how you truly feel. Take care of yourself and of course take care of your children. They need you very much right now.

[suffering_parent]

It is really emotionally difficult.   I have never cried so much.   It is unreal that she can walk out and be on cloud nine with her new man.   She has had me in the hate/cling phase for years.   Now it is just hate and how much better her new knight treats her.   In 11 years it was never good!

She has shown very little interest in the well beings of our kids.   With the current custody she is only seeing them 2 days in a month.    She technically owes me child support.   I have a good job and she is jobless though.

It is really hard not to continue to be sympathetic knowing they have mental issues and such a rough upbringing.

I don't feel like I have a choice now, but to throw her under the bus in court.   Someone needs to set her back to earth.   Everything she accuses me of is completely wrong, but in her head I think she really feels that way.    Claiming finaincial abuse when I have records showing her spending 2-3k every month just on random shopping.   She had an amazing ability to make money disappear.   Strangely she never really had much to show for it after the shopping.

The hardest part for me is I really enjoyed having a family.   I am now 38 with four young kids all 10 and under.   Who in there right mind would ever step into that.   I can never deal with crazy again.

[Emelie Emelie]

I am sorry for all the pain you're going through.  Yours and your children's.  I do have to comment on "who in their right mind would step into that?"  You might be surprised. 

[suffering_parent]

The strangest thing is all the physical/medical issues over the years.   Everyday something was wrong with her.   Yet no doctor could ever find anything wrong.    She thinks she has non-stop blood clots in her body.   Every bruise is actually a blood clot!   She would drink small amounts of wine or rub  the bruise to dissolve them.

She eventually started going to a reflexologist who basically took our money to treat whatever random things she came up with.

I always assumed she was bipolar, but BPD seems to fit her exactly.    She won't admit there is anything wrong with her.   EVERYONE she comes into contact with knows it.   Most of her friends have asked me to get her help.

She did some self-help books/tapes a couple years ago.   It made her way worse.   She thinks she overcame her anxiety/depression.   Ever since then she has been in a mode of trying to help other crazy people.   She invited a person off the streets of Seattle who was into heavy drugs/prostituion into our home a few months back.   She went through severe withdrawl and eventually threatend to commit sucide or homicide in our home!   Right after that she had some 16 year old come who had drug problems.   She thought she could help them.   My kids have been put through hell and back from her.

The sad thing is I put up with all of it.   I tried so hard to just keep the family together.   I feel a lot of guilt for putting up with it.   I lived in fear of her taking my kids.  I should have known it was an impossible task anyways.

Sorry had to keep venting.   It has been a hard year.

[Hazelrah]

atvfan,

I can commiserate with the constant physical ailments.  My W did have a serious heart defect, but she also suffered from daily aches and pains of all sorts, some of which had her laid out in bed or on the couch for multiple days.  Her periods were crippling, and she developed a ringing in her ear and constant headaches that she convinved herself was a brain tumor--specialists told her it was simply a physical manifestation of her anxiety.  She even convinced me to take her to the ER in the middle of the night for what turned out to be heartburn.  Can't tell you how many plans we cancelled as a result of her simply 'not feeling good'.  But it was always okay, I'd always be there to take care of her as best I could, which she was eternally grateful for... . until she acccused me of 'babying' her when she left.

[Emelie Emelie]

OMG!  Mine had lots of physical ailments too!  Is this typical of the disorder?

[Clearmind]

atvfan, document everything and the book on Splitting is wonderful

Can I strongly suggest you post on the Legal Board with anything referencing the kids and divorce. You will receive very balanced and centered responses from members who know all about the book Splitting and divorcing a Borderline.

Leaving Board is great for processing yours and her stuff.

Let me know if you have trouble finding that board.

[aloha1983]

  Big hug to you. The most important thing you can do right now is be kind to yourself. It sounds like you had a lot to give, and just because she can't appreciate it doesn't mean someone else won't. I think there would be plenty of women out there who would see your four kids as a bonus package.

The 'new white knight' thing is just that, a ruse. Having been the white knightette to my BPD exboyfriend it's tough, knowing that it was all a lie and a means to manipulate. Just because they are sick doesn't mean they aren't dangerous or can't hurt you. She will try to portray it as more glamourous than it is, however, eventually the ball will drop and the BPD will start again with him.

Take it day by day at this stage. Focus on your beautiful children... . have you got support around you in terms of raising them? It's time for a new life, one where you aren't judged by unrealistic and impossible standards. It's an opportunity to see who you are without all the stress and rollercoaster emotions.

I wish you all the best. Please look after yourself.

[suffering_parent]

I am journaling everything.   I currently have temp custody of the kids.   I was lucky she basically gave them to me.    It took a court order to get them returned to the county and then a custody hearing.   At that point she was pretty defeated.    She was a pretty terrible mother - even though she loves the kids.   It is how she was raised and it is hard to break free from that mess.

I have little support.   We just bought a house in a new part of the country 7 months ago.    Was trying to stabalize our family.   The last 3 years we were moving every 6 months.   Wife always wanted to move non-stop.

I am working fulltime from home and taking care of my 4 kids.   I am used to it though and it is actually easier with the wife gone.   I always told her she was more work then the 4 kids combined!   With her here I was slaving for her, taking care of 4 kids, and working.   I do miss the extra set of hands once in a while.   School is starting for 3 of them so that will help.   Meeting teachers today.

The worst thing for me is I *love* kids.   This last year I agreed to a vasectomy to try to keep my wife from leaving.    I didn't want to have it done for fear she would still leave or even die at some point.   I wanted more kids, but there was no way she could deal with anymore.   She couldn't deal with the ones we already had.   It sucks and I bet she will probably get pregnant again with her new men.   Have some more kids she can't deal with.

[imstronghere2]

atvfan - my heart goes out to you.  Stay strong as it sounds like you're one helluva father!  Those kids need you now more then ever.   From what you've described, she has the hallmarks of BPD for sure.  I can relate to what you're going through but you've got a worse case than mine was, albeit mine was no "walk in the park".  I was married for 19 years and with her for 22 and she left me and our kids, our home and all her animals in 2011.  She's now married to the POS SOB she was having her affair with.  She signed sole custody of our son over to me without even reading the agreements.  She just didn't care.  It wasn't about her so it didn't matter.  Last year she spent about 10 hours total with our son and he was the only human on this planet that she said she truly loved and cared for.  Our daughter hasn't had any contact since Dec. 2011.  She's 20 and doesn't have any tolerance for her mother's antics.   Hopefully some day (if not already to some degree)  your kids will see and understand their mother's illness and not be too resentful about how life has handed them a bag of crap.  I wish you the very best of luck on raising those children.  They'll need it.

imstronghere2