In Need Of Support

[bauers220]

I posted this on another board but I think this is a more appropriate place since I am still so in the throws of what to do... .

HELP!  Any advice would be welcome.  I posted as a newcomer on another board here but I am in a place of weakness.  I have spent the last 8 months with a spiritual counselor/therapist. A month ago this woman who has been in and out of my life for 2 years began to work with the counselor herself.  We went a month with almost N/C as we each sorted separate issues. 

During the times she left my life for one reason or another I had dated others. In the first year I slept with two other women but never told her.  First we were apart and second I KNOW this woman and how she would handle it.  This year it happened again - this time with a woman she knew - someone she had set me aside to chase last year.  She lied to me about this woman many times saying she was only a friend.  Well this woman was all too happy to prove her wrong by showing me emails between them.  When I confronted her she got angry and said we were NOT in a relationship and she was not in love with me.  In my hurt I let this other woman take me to dinner and we were intimate later that evening.  The thing with my ex GF is - she always had a "feeling" about me with others but never got me to admit it.  Enter my counselor/mentor... .

She mediated between us to get us to come clean on the past so we could have a fresh start.  My ex was very open and willing to hear the truth and we seemed to be okay - more than okay - it was an amazing day of forgiveness and understanding on both sides... . Until 3 days later.  She has left my life saying she cannot move past what I did and that it crosses her boundaries (like she has any).  Told me never to contact her again - she is starting over.

Is she gone? Well if past patterns are any indication - the answer is NO.  Or maybe this is the one thing that keeps her gone... . What bothers me is that this is MY fault in her eyes.  Every thing she put me through - my mental state is so far gone at this point I cannot remember what it feels like to feel normal.  Part of me wants her to come back around so I can tell her she put me through hell and I am done with her.  And another part of me still holds out this hope that we can work through all this and with the help of therapy get to a healthier place... . am I delusional? 

Why does this have me such a shell of what I once was.

[cozmo]

I read on here "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior".

It's not absolutely set in stone of course, but I'd say it's 90%-99% true.