I posted this on another thread that reached the space limit so I thought I would post here since it is somewhat relevant to this subject.
Quote from: musicfan42 on August 02, 2013, 12:54:15 PM
To a borderline, sex=control. I saw through it though. I'm the type of person that likes emotional connection. There were times when I'd feel so totally and utterly emotionally disconnected from him and he'd want sex. I just got the impression that he didn't really care what I had to say-that sex would solve everything in the relationship and that really angered me. I thought "No, you're not going to fob me off here" basically. I actually had arguments with my BPD ex over the sex issue. My gut instinct just told me that there was something very wrong with how he viewed sex, that it wasn't normal or at least what I would consider "normal".
When I say that they think sex=control, I mean that they use sex as a means of getting: validation, attention, easing their abandonment fears (don't leave me, I'll sleep with you if you stay with me), to feel loved (having someone touch them in an affectionate manner can be soothing for them), easing their mood (if they're in a bad mood, then sex will make them feel better), stop feeling empty (I'll feel whole if I have sex, I won't feel so alone in the world), stop you being mad with them (lets have makeup sex). I think that borderlines know there's something fundamentally wrong with them and that sex is the only hook they have... that if it wasn't for sex, no one would be interested in them!
Musicfan... . I seriously had to see if this had been my post! This describes my sex life with my husband to a T. Sex = control, no doubt in my mind. H can be pissed at the world and 10 minutes later come to bed and initiate sex. He blames the problems in our marriage (including his "anger issues" on the fact that I don't have frequent enough sex with him, especially that since I don't initiate sex that means I hate sex and have no interest in it.
We had a long "discussion" several weeks ago about how awful I was making his life by not having/initiating sex with him. When I told him that it's hard for me to want to have sex with someone I am not emotionally attached to, he told me that I needed to separate the emotions from the sex and just have sex for the pure enjoyment of having sex for the sake of "saving" our marriage and making him a happier person. When asked what he would do to aid in this "fixing" of our marriage, he responded that it was all up to me and he was not going to make any efforts whatsoever, because he has been trying so hard for the past 3 years but I haven't been perceptive to any of his efforts. For the record, there have basically been no efforts, at least from my perspective.
H never touches me unless it is in a sexual, groping way. We were on a long car trip over the weekend and he wanted to hold my hand, which would have been fine except that his version of holding my hand involves having his hand between my legs groping at my crotch (with our S8 and S12 in the backseat, no less). Then he gets mad when I push him away, and acts like I am the one with the problem. I have told him over, and over, and over, that I don't mind if he touches me but why does it ALWAYS have to be sexual? He never hugs me, only comes up behind me and grabs my butt or breasts while I am in the middle of cooking supper or doing something - I think he does it because my hands are busy and I'm defenseless. I have asked him repeatedly not to do it but again, I'm the one with the problem. H constantly makes sexually provocative jokes, turns every comment into something sexual, grabs me in sexual ways and randomly says things like "wanna be tied up" or "have you gone 'toy' shopping yet" or "are you wearing a thong"... . I have specifically asked him not to say these things to me but he continues. When we were dating we would drive past an attractive woman and he would say "I bet she would look great sitting on my face". Again, asked repeatedly for him to stop because it made me really angry and upset but he always said he was "just joking" and I just needed to lighten up. Sex has always clearly been an issue with him and I am so past done with it.
The only time H ever tells me he loves me is after we have sex. Then he wants to cuddle and be all affectionate, which makes my skin crawl. Over the weekend I gave in to sex both Saturday and Sunday night because I didn't want to deal with him having one of his "lack of sex" rages. After Saturday night, I didn't expect him to want it on Sunday night as well, but he started making advances as soon as we went to bed. I tried gently moving his hand from all of the sexual locations several times and he eventually said in a snotty way, "so do you just want to go to sleep or what?" This is code for, if you don't want sex I am going to be really pissed off at you and keep you up all night talking about how much of a prude you are and how much of a disappointment you are as a wife. So I gave in for the sake of avoiding that argument.
Afterwards, I cried silently as H tried to cuddle up with me and have his arms and legs draped all over me. It makes me angry and sick to admit that this is happening in my own marriage. Worse yet is that he is clueless as to how this has affected me over the past several years. He is incapable of understanding where I am coming from - I have tried explaining it to him but he is unwilling to get it. I was molested when I was 6 and he insists that I am the way I am because of that. I honestly don't believe that is the case. Sure, maybe I am more likely to feel "abused" or used because of what happened to me as a child, but I don't feel as though that has had some horrible long-term impact on me, meaning I survived that and don't dwell on it every day. What really makes me angry is that H probably thinks that our marriage has taken a turn for the BETTER because I gave him sex 3 out of the last 6 nights. Ugh.
My biggest fear is that I will not ever be able to have a normal sexual relationship with another man. H even told me as much... . that he "has concerns" that if we split that I will do the same thing to another man (deprive him of sex).
The bottom line for me is that there is absolutely NOTHING to the emotional side of our relationship. H is incapable of having a truly emotional tie to anyone. He doesn't even know what to do to try and get that. Because of that, our sex life is basically non-existent. I have told him that our sexual needs are different and maybe it would be best if we split and found others who were more in line with our personal needs (which is when he told me I would ruin it for all future relationships as well). But, as soon as I mention splitting up, he backs off quickly and tries to "take back" certain things he said.
