When BPD won't cooperate on in-house separation

[Booklvr9]

BPD and I are co-parenting our kids (ages 11 and 8) in the same house -- mostly I just learned that her cancer-ridden sister has more cancer, and I cannot bring myself to pile on more bad news.   It would also be is financially problematic for both of us.

I would like to have an in-house separation, but this requires her cooperation to remove one of her work desks from the spare bedroom.   She has indicated an unwillingess to do so because she wants us to still sleep in the same bed / bedroom.   I cannot move the furniture by myself  - and no idea where I'd put it, either.

A separate bedroom seems to be the first step for an in-house separation.  However, I'm also struggling with how to manage the logistics of everything else when I am the person paying for most of our daily needs (like groceries).  How have other people managed the practicalities of separating this way? 

[DavidWebb]

Hi Booklvr9

I lived in the same home for two plus years with my dBPDx... . as I navigated her pregnancy, a custody battle, and financial settlement of the divorce.  I found it worked best for me to accept it was a temporary situation , forgo the unfair financial aspect and plan my departure.

I can tell you those two years were hell on my boys and me.

Things were somewhat bearable when I created my own space in the house with a separate bedroom and found sanctuary staying within friends and regular weekly standing dinner at the local hangout (after custody was done). 

There will probably never be a good time in your BPDs life to separate, I think you should be selfish and dobwhatbis right for you and your children

[Booklvr9]

Hello DavidWebb!

Thanks so much for the encouraging words.  I'm definitely seeing the postponement as temporary;  in the meantime, I'm making my plans to get her out of the house.   Both names are on the mortgage/deed, but I need to get her to move out.   I intend to keep the house to ensure that our kids stay in the same school district.  I also know this will be extremely difficult and undoubtedly quite expensive.

My first step is the separate bedroom.  I'll be raising that topic over the long weekend. 

[slimmiller]

It takes small steps. As for her moving the desk, let her know that its to create space for both of you. You will be much more likely to get her to agree rather then demanding it.

Your situation can be done. Iam doing it with mine for much the same reasons but more then anything to keep at least one staple person in the kids life. It is a daily task but we do our own thing. I have my room she has hers. She comes home from school/work/bf duty really late or early morning before I leave for work. She puts kids on the bus, I get them off and spent the evening with them without mommy. It works but is a big sacrifice.

And yes it is a temporary situation in my mind. How temporary I dont know and it will depend on many factors. Both her and me as to how well we cen get along. There are pros and cons.

Do you have any legal agreements yet?

Also if others get involved (lovers) it can complicate things.

Take one day at a time. Its almost constant negotiations at times and both have to realize that what works this week may not next week

[slimmiller]

Also the seperate beds is a MUST.

[Booklvr9]

Weird twist:  although i'd said nothing yet to my partner about separate bedrooms, she announced over the weekend that *she* intended to move into the spare bedroom (!)   We spent all day Sunday making that happen --- swapping closets, moving furniture, etc.   Last night was our first night under the new arrangement.

Generally I am very pleased - especially since it was her idea.  I will admit, however, to feeling a little sad that our 30-years has come to this.  On the upside, it is the first step to the eventual full separation, so I'm allowing myself to appreciate the gradual nature of the changes.

[VeryFree]

Mine didn't want to work on this.

After a lot of nights that she waked me on purpose I started rearranging by myself.

She became violent... . and I rewarded her for that by leaving things the old way.

A few years after this I tried to rearrange again (again after a period where she would wake me up a lot of times). And allthough she hated me about it, I kept it that way.

Afterwards she would tell me she loved this arrangement: finally had her own space, without me harrassing her 

[Booklvr9]

Anticipating her lack of cooperation was the reason i dithered on doing anything.  (Plus I was trying to figure out how to get my TV / cable set up in the other bedroom)   

I'm also happy that we were also able to clear out a lot of old junk from her closet -- like our son's nebulizer, which he hasn't used for 8 yrs.   Of course, I look around and see all that is still here to be divided, and it seems overwhelming.

BUT  I remind myself that small steps lead to big ones, and today is the first of those.

(And let's keep encouraging each other to find the strength to take those steps!)