Wife says she wants to split

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Backstory: Found out wife was having an affair about six months ago. I suspect she has BPD or some other PD.

So three days ago I totally blew up. This was the first time since this whole thing started. Wife was not well as it has often been the case. I spent the day looking after my two children. In the evening, she came to join us but got upset when I tried to control what to play on TV while I fed the kids. Later in bed, she said "I don't know what kind of funk you are in... " and I totally lost at that point. Told her she should know exactly what kind of funk I was in... that it was because my wife was cheating on me. Told her how she F** broke my heart. Told her that this should have been the happiest time of my life since my little boy is just starting to talk (and the older boy who is autistic never learned to talk) and how she has taken it away from me. Tried to beat a plastic bottle   and messed up my wardrobe. No damage done. I was very angry but controlled. Told her not to worry, I won't hurt or the kids, but just could not stop as long as she kept talking. Later on both cried, she said sorry, made peace before going to bed.

The next day she said how she was feeling empty and numb. In the evening she said she can't feel anything for the kids, she doesn't want them anymore. Said she cried thinking about what I had said the night before. I tried to console her the best I could.

Yesterday after dinner... she said we should split. How staying together feels wrong with every fibre of her being! I did not try to change her mind. We talked about some practical things. Told her I will move to a different city with kids where I work and the kids go to daycare. We are still going to couples counseling and both agreed that we must whether we stay together or not because we need to communicate well to coparent. I am still hoping that the counseling will lead to identifying the actual issues she and I have. Stayed cool and friendly the rest of the night.

Today I am at home with the kids while she went to work, and it is really hitting me. I just want to be left alone, and it is hard with the kids constantly seeking attention. Feeling annoyed and then sorry for the poor little things. They are beautiful, happy babies... what did they do to deserve this? I am willing to stay together for them inspite of such a breach of trust, with my heart shattered... how can she bring herself to abandon them? They will probably only see her once or twice in a week... feel really sorry for the little 1.5 year old

Thanks for reading... it brings some peace to vent here.

[A Dad]

Backstory: Found out wife was having an affair about six months ago. I suspect she has BPD or some other PD.

So three days ago I totally blew up. This was the first time since this whole thing started. Wife was not well as it has often been the case. I spent the day looking after my two children. In the evening, she came to join us but got upset when I tried to control what to play on TV while I fed the kids. Later in bed, she said "I don't know what kind of funk you are in... " and I totally lost at that point. Told her she should know exactly what kind of funk I was in... that it was because my wife was cheating on me. Told her how she F** broke my heart. Told her that this should have been the happiest time of my life since my little boy is just starting to talk (and the older boy who is autistic never learned to talk) and how she has taken it away from me. Tried to beat a plastic bottle   and messed up my wardrobe. No damage done. I was very angry but controlled. Told her not to worry, I won't hurt or the kids, but just could not stop as long as she kept talking. Later on both cried, she said sorry, made peace before going to bed.

The next day she said how she was feeling empty and numb. In the evening she said she can't feel anything for the kids, she doesn't want them anymore. Said she cried thinking about what I had said the night before. I tried to console her the best I could.

Yesterday after dinner... she said we should split. How staying together feels wrong with every fibre of her being! I did not try to change her mind. We talked about some practical things. Told her I will move to a different city with kids where I work and the kids go to daycare. We are still going to couples counseling and both agreed that we must whether we stay together or not because we need to communicate well to coparent. I am still hoping that the counseling will lead to identifying the actual issues she and I have. Stayed cool and friendly the rest of the night.

Today I am at home with the kids while she went to work, and it is really hitting me. I just want to be left alone, and it is hard with the kids constantly seeking attention. Feeling annoyed and then sorry for the poor little things. They are beautiful, happy babies... what did they do to deserve this? I am willing to stay together for them inspite of such a breach of trust, with my heart shattered... how can she bring herself to abandon them? They will probably only see her once or twice in a week... feel really sorry for the little 1.5 year old

Thanks for reading... it brings some peace to vent here.

[Surnia]

Hi adad

So sorry to hear all this! 

I can feel your pain for the kids and the younger is still very young!

I see also that there is a lot on your shoulders. Do you have some family support?

You are both in couple counseling, which seems to work. Was there ever a discussion about therapeutic separation?

Keep posting, we are here for you!

[A Dad]

Thank you, Surnia.

Unfortunately no family support. We moved to a new country 3 years ago so we are pretty much on our own with a couple of family friends.

We haven't started couples counceling yet. Next week and two weeks after that I have individual appointments with a psychologist. After that we will try to start couples counceling. I wanted to get my own head a bit clear first, and also make sure that the therapist is experienced with BPD before going together.

I hadn't thought about therapeutic separation yet. I am going to read a bit more about it, the do's and don'ts and bring it up with my wife.

[A Dad]

The first day she said she wants to split, she asked me if I will be all right and find love one day again. I told her I will be ok. Afterwords she said she felt much better, like a weight lifted from her.

Last night she was saying we should do something symbolic to mark the end of the marriage.

I wonder if this change is just her guilt weighing down on her. She seems to be desperately wishing that everyone will be better off if we split. She wants to believe that we will stay friends and keep doing the family stuff together. It looks like to me we are back where she doesn't see or doesn't want to accept the pain and turmoil this will be putting us through. Just like she did not seem to fully comprehend or accept the pain I went through dealing with her cheating

[A Dad]

Just got this during our online chat while I sent her a link to TS :-

"I'm clear that we've got no future together as a married couple"



Well I am not jumping to any decision, but if this is how she keeps feeling, then it would be best to go for a quick separation/divorce with LC afterwords.

I hope she sees the therapist before she really gets fixated on separation.

[A Dad]

So, I have mostly been venting on this thread, but now I have a question. Can anyone recommend a specific tool/method I can use to get her to take a pause and not decide so soon?

I am worried that if I do nothing, she will just cement this idea... she has already mentioned this morning that she will start searching for apartments.

So far when she brought it up I just went along with it, did not commit to anything myself, and took care not to add to her guilt. So I did not correct her fantasy that I will magically be happy if she is not in my face all the time. Whether it is with her or without her, I will have a lot of healing to do and it will take a long time. The only way I expressed disagreement with her new belief that separation is the best thing is when I told her that for myself, I am not going to decide anything until I see a therapist. That is when she wrote me the definitive "no future" message I posted above.

[A Dad]

One more question...

The wife does not seem to fully get the idea what life will be like if we separate. Last night she said how it would be nice if she can come visit the kids every day, and then that we should think about buying a house instead of renting again so the kids will have a house to call their own, and that she will contribute.

I said no to both - that it will be hard for me to move on if I see her every day, and that now is not a good time to think about buying a house.

She seems to keep hoping that things will magically be better after we split and life will go on as before.

Should I sit her down and explain that I will want only minimal contact with her and if we are friends again or doing things together as family, that will be after a very long time, possibly years?

In a normal relationship, I would clarify misconceptions as soon as possible, but with her now I just don't know.

[A Dad]

Hmm... talking to an empty room here ... but in case anyone was wondering...

She has taken off her rings, moved to a separate bedroom and started looking for places to rent.

I went for my first T appointment. In two weeks time we will go together. Whichever way it goes, I am resigned to it.