trying something new

[simplyasiam]

6 years of a up and down r/s with ex i feel ive tried everything to hold our family together.

she left about 5 months ago she been calling every week or so... . making sure im still waiting im sure.

after her call about 10 days ago i made up mind to not reply to her till her some me something real as far as getting help and she has to be single.

wed the 7 day point of n/c like clock work she messaged. i have not replied. this is the frist time every in 6 years ive not jumped when she contacted me.

i dont know if it will change anything but its all i have left. her mom and many others have told me thats the only way she will ever get help  and see what she walked away from.

its been a very hard 3 days but i find some pride in sticking to what i said,

really wish i could know how she will react to me not being there for her

[Validation78]

Hi Simply!

Remember that nothing changes without change, so of course you have to do something different than before.

Hopefully,  what your wife will learn to do is self soothe, which is something many pwBPD are unable to do.

Good luck with your new angle. In the meantime, what are you doing to take care of yourself and to make other things in your marriage and life better?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[simplyasiam]

im living my everyday life, working and paying the bills, finding thing to fill my time on the weekends.

as for bettering the r/s all i can do is wait and see if she will to get help and stick to it. if she is willing to change at some oint and if im still willing to work with her at that point then we will see what happens

[simplyasiam]

the morning will bring day 14 of n/c with ex and 7 days that shes not tried to get ahold of me.

its not been ez thank GOD for my little support group if set up or i would have gave in.

the weekend wasnt to bad for me but yesterday and early this morning really worked me over.

i find its testing my faith and feels like im not passing.

tonite is being a little better to me

[heartachedenver]

Keep the faith my friend and remember that a healthy you is paramount.  I know it is hard but trust yourself and how you feel. 

[simplyasiam]

blocked call and dead air messages for two days.

i gave in and emailed her today.

her last email to me said. hope ur doing well, If you dont want to talk to me anymore i understand, just wanted to cheack on you.

my reply today after a week was. its not that i dont want to talk to you. its that you have moved on and are happy now, its not right for us to talk to each other behind other ppls backs.

her being with some is my limit each time i do reply to her i try and let her know what ill stand for and what ill deal with.

i know breaking n/c is breaking n/c no matter how you look at it but im not doing it to get over her im doing it to set my limits and show her i can live without her.

[eyvindr]

her being with some is my limit each time i do reply to her i try and let her know what ill stand for and what ill deal with.

i know breaking n/c is breaking n/c no matter how you look at it but im not doing it to get over her im doing it to set my limits and show her i can live without her.

I hope that strategy is effective for you, simplyasiam. It certainly isn't unusual to look at it that way.

I might ask -- does replying to her email demonstrate to her that you can live without her any more than not replying to her email?

Hang in there.

[simplyasiam]

the reply was simply to a way to let her know im not good with contact as long as she is seeing other ppl.

[eyvindr]

Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying.

I think it's interesting that you're trying to establish different levels of contact. Will be interesting to see how and if she can adhere to them.

[simplyasiam]

yes it will and you never know what the next day will bring. my gut feeling is she will not contact for a few weeks if ever. my bday is the 9th of next month im thinking that will be her next reason to reach out. im past the giving in and falling apart when contact from her happens im standing up for myself so i dont think she will stand for that.

at this time i dont feel like we will ever be together again or that she will ever really try to recycle again but those are just feeling onone other than GOD has the real answers to that.

all i know is i miss my family my friend my old life but there must be change and if that change means never being with her again its got to be better than than living with a cheating lying beautiful hot mess

im not a controling person but this time its not going down her way

[eeyore]

so if she breaks up with the other person will you take her call then?  Seems to me it isn't about seeing other people.  It's about you being in a Healthy relationship.  Something she has not been capable of. 

[Black]

Hi  simplyasiam,

I agree with eeyore that you should be in a healthy relationship. For her it probably seems like you will be there when she ends the relationship with the guy she is with right now. So you are still there for her. I'm glad you are standing your ground, don't let her use you. Setting bounderies is the best way to fix this if you ever want a relationship with her. In the current relationship it seems like you are giving everything of you, but not getting anything from her. I hope and know you will be just fine, give yourself time to heal and catch a breath. Focus on YOU.

Wish you the best!