Do they know what they are losing or am I just kidding myself?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDh has left our home after 30 years together and moved in to a bedsit near where he works. He's now unhappy and lonely there and taken another room in a sort of commune 'to be with other people'.

Although he was the one who said he wanted to leave, he's now insisting that I threw him out onto the street and he never wants to be put in that position ever again. If only I hadn't taken him seriously - but he seemed to sure this time (after countless threats before). I deeply regret telling him to pack his bags as I know now if I'd calmed down, used the tools on this site, talked and validated, the outcome would have been different. We are where we are.

He's come back a couple of times to talk, stayed and we've made fantastic love, been a good companion, clearing and cleaning around the house, that he's never been bothered to do before. 

What I want to know is, am I letting him have his cake and eat it too? Will I be able to move on if I let him keep coming back? I'm justifying it to myself by saying that it's helping to rebuild our relationship. But is there really anything to rebuild?

He's insisting that he needs a safe place to be and that isn't here. Although he hasn't found it anywhere else yet. And I don't think he will.  He does too much travelling to settle anywhere.

The counsellor I saw yesterday tells me I am the caretaker of the relationship and I've got to think of what I want not what he wants.  Bu I just don't know!

He wants to sell up our beautiful house (where we brought up our kids and were looking forward to seeing our grandchildren to stay) so he can buy his little country idyll. Im going along with that for the time being because at least it's making him do all the maintenance around this place that he's never done in ten years of being here. But am I just prolonging the agony for myself?

In the one hand I want him to come back, rebuild, renew, etc. On the other I feel I should grab this opportunity to break once and for all with open arms. It's so hard.

[toomanytears]

My BPDh has left our home after 30 years together and moved in to a bedsit near where he works. He's now unhappy and lonely there and taken another room in a sort of commune 'to be with other people'.

Although he was the one who said he wanted to leave, he's now insisting that I threw him out onto the street and he never wants to be put in that position ever again. If only I hadn't taken him seriously - but he seemed to sure this time (after countless threats before). I deeply regret telling him to pack his bags as I know now if I'd calmed down, used the tools on this site, talked and validated, the outcome would have been different. We are where we are.

He's come back a couple of times to talk, stayed and we've made fantastic love, been a good companion, clearing and cleaning around the house, that he's never been bothered to do before. 

What I want to know is, am I letting him have his cake and eat it too? Will I be able to move on if I let him keep coming back? I'm justifying it to myself by saying that it's helping to rebuild our relationship. But is there really anything to rebuild?

He's insisting that he needs a safe place to be and that isn't here. Although he hasn't found it anywhere else yet. And I don't think he will.  He does too much travelling to settle anywhere.

The counsellor I saw yesterday tells me I am the caretaker of the relationship and I've got to think of what I want not what he wants.  Bu I just don't know!

He wants to sell up our beautiful house (where we brought up our kids and were looking forward to seeing our grandchildren to stay) so he can buy his little country idyll. Im going along with that for the time being because at least it's making him do all the maintenance around this place that he's never done in ten years of being here. But am I just prolonging the agony for myself?

In the one hand I want him to come back, rebuild, renew, etc. On the other I feel I should grab this opportunity to break once and for all with open arms. It's so hard.

[Validation78]

Hi TMT!

You sound very sad and conflicted, to say the least, and I know that's hard and I'm sorry! Many of us have been where you are, on the fence, trying to decide what we want. There's no easy answer, and even though we are in similar situations, the answer is different for everyone.

I personally think that your T has given you some very good advice with regards to putting emphasis on what you want and that if you are to continue in the marriage, you will, and probably always have been the emotional caretaker in the relationship. You will see that reference on the Staying Board a lot! That's not an easy position to be in, and we have to be emotionally healthy and strong to pull it off. That's one reason why, in your case, this time apart may be good for you. Not having to be in the thick of things day in and out will give you the space to come to a decision that will forever effect your life. It's not to be taken lightly, of course. Take your time,and consider what life will be like. I'm guessing that even though you have been together for 30 years, life with a pwBPD could not have been easy, and you know, it's not going to change unless he gets the appropriate therapy. It may improve if you utilize the communication tools that you now know about, and perhaps that will be enough for you.

Don't kid yourself though. This won't be easy. It's a big commitment, and the effort will be largely on your shoulders!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Clearmind]

I agree that its tough - no doubt.

toomany - unfortunately he may well be so deep in his own dysregulated state right now he really has no clue what is happening. We also talk about acceptance and how we need to begin to detach with love so we don't take it all personally. In order to do that we also need to take care of oursevles... .

[toomanytears]

Thanks both for your wise words. I think he's in a very bad place atm and all I want to do is help. But I'm the problem as far as he's concerned so NC is best. Reading this board is great therapy and reading my past posts helps to put things into perspective and gives me a reality check.

[eyvindr]

toomanytears,

Sorry to hear you're in the thick of this.

You and your were together for 30 years -- wow! That's quite an accomplishment in and of itself. And you've raised a family together, and had a shared vision of enjoying more time together with grandchildren.

How are your children? Are they aware of the situation?

Be very careful with this house in the country "plan" -- I hesitate to even use that word here. Do you have joint ownership of your home now?

Are you or have you considered talking with a therapy for yourself? This has got to be very overwhelming, scary and confusing for you.

Hang in there.

[shamrock]

You are in the drivers seat

He wants to come back so tell him you want him back BUT not untill he gets DBT

I mean NO benifits when he visits, It is no longer his house to clean etc.

You are clinging to the old husband, you do not want the new one so untill the old one returns ( it will with work on both parts)

Good luck!

[Ironmanrises]

Yes and no.

They know only for x period of time.

Then they dont.

A constant reversal of position.

Yes. No. Yes/no. No/yes. Either. Or. Both.

Which one is it?

All the above.

Does that make any sense?

No.

That is the reality of the situation.

I guess that is where radical acceptance comes into play.

Awful.