i did it again.

[mitchell16]

well all my hard work went down the drain. After 2 month of NC, ignoring texts, avoiding her when she put herself in places I had to be, allowed my self to be pulled back in. She sent me a text about some important property I had left at her house 2 months ago, she said she wanted to get it back to me. I said ok. This was in texts. She started wanted to talk and I texted her just throw it away. anyway it led to a conversation. She then asked could she stay at my house that night becasue she didnt feel well and wasnt able to drive to her house a very long way. we ended up having sex and she left the next morning. It was no problem i was fine. The next day she texted me she loved me. we engaged in more conversation and the texting and conversation dropped. Later that night she calls drunk i was alseep. She tells me she at my house to let her in. I do. She comes in and we instatntley have sex. She telling me how much she loves me. She stays the night. The next day she texts me telling that she feels bad about it all and that she is going out of town. We argue, of course everything is my fault again, I was to controlling of her when we were together, she couldnt be herself. and just on and on. Now im back where i started all that work is down the drain. Its a complete mind screwing. Im as low and low can be. I wonder why I can resist her. Why does she keep doing this. If she had just wanted sex, then ok. But why all teh words of love and the 24 hours later in turn to pure venom. She could have just got her booty call and went on. Why did she have to iniate all the love talk just to turn it around and get ugly again? Of courseher last thing she said was she we would just have to never talk again becasue we can keep hurting each other and we are so drawn to each sexually and that we cant  be in teh same room. Of course now my mind is crazy with misery and I wondering again if I will ever her from her again. Why cant I just let her go?

[Nearlybroken]

I feel for you, I really do.I know only too well the pain of not being able to let go and how much it screws with your head to be flavour of the month one minute and dropped the next.My expwBPD did that to me several times and each time he dumped me in a cruel callous way.Yet each time I went back, hoping that this time it would be different.Never was.I have recently put a post on about an event that I know will prevent me from ever having contact with him again.Had this event not happened I can honestly say that I would have tried again.And it disgusts me that I would do so with someone who has treated me so badly.I have wondered whether I am actually addicted to the challenge of proving his views of me to be wrong,of showing him that I make a good and loving partner.I cannot work out why I cant just let go.I suspect that a part of me recalls the fantastic years we had together, the sex, the love letters and this enables me to forgive what I should not and forget things that I should remember in order to protect myself.It's just a big mess.I am just a big mess.

Sending you a .NB.x

[Moonie75]

Mitch,

This same deal happened to me last year during an 'off' period. I felt exactly as you describe in your post & reading it made the hairs on my neck stand up!

I got past the worst of it & so will you my man. I learned a hard lesson about being duped partly by her & later realizing, partly by my naivety. I had to accept that I was as responsible as her for those dumb moments. Once I realized that, the 'booty call' capers veiled as loving reunions stopped.

I know how you'll be feeling at the moment & my heart goes out to you.

Stay tough my mate.

[Ironmanrises]

well all my hard work went down the drain. After 2 month of NC, ignoring texts, avoiding her when she put herself in places I had to be, allowed my self to be pulled back in. She sent me a text about some important property I had left at her house 2 months ago, she said she wanted to get it back to me. I said ok. This was in texts. She started wanted to talk and I texted her just throw it away. anyway it led to a conversation. She then asked could she stay at my house that night becasue she didnt feel well and wasnt able to drive to her house a very long way. we ended up having sex and she left the next morning. It was no problem i was fine. The next day she texted me she loved me. we engaged in more conversation and the texting and conversation dropped. Later that night she calls drunk i was alseep. She tells me she at my house to let her in. I do. She comes in and we instatntley have sex. She telling me how much she loves me. She stays the night. The next day she texts me telling that she feels bad about it all and that she is going out of town. We argue, of course everything is my fault again, I was to controlling of her when we were together, she couldnt be herself. and just on and on. Now im back where i started all that work is down the drain. Its a complete mind screwing. Im as low and low can be. I wonder why I can resist her. Why does she keep doing this. If she had just wanted sex, then ok. But why all teh words of love and the 24 hours later in turn to pure venom. She could have just got her booty call and went on. Why did she have to iniate all the love talk just to turn it around and get ugly again? Of courseher last thing she said was she we would just have to never talk again becasue we can keep hurting each other and we are so drawn to each sexually and that we cant  be in teh same room. Of course now my mind is crazy with misery and I wondering again if I will ever her from her again. Why cant I just let her go?

Mitchell, i am so sorry you endured that re-engagement.

It is so damaging.

In bold... .

I just remembered that i left a few articles of clothing and expensive cologne in my exUBPDgf house.

She didnt even bother to send it back to me.

This may very likely be used to get to me too.

[Moonie75]

I'll forego anything she still has of mine. I've survived 8 weeks without it & I'm still breathing so I don't need it.

That's a door that's definitely staying tight shut, forever!

[mitchell16]

thank you all. I should be an expert at it by now. But this has never happened like this. She has called drunk and talked all loving to only the next day and call say she didnt want back. In my mind i wasnt looking to get back this time, I have no idea why i caved unless deep in mind I did. Sghe wasnt talkkin about getting back togther she was jsut talking about us in general and what she had been doing while we was apart and so was I. Next thing I know shes at my house. we had sex I thought Ok we will go on our way. The next she sends a text tellling me she loved me. I repsonded. Of course her next was critcal of how I didnt trsut her or respect her. I told her I refused to go around and around.  A few more text the nothing from her. later that night she calls drunk and at my house wnating me to openmy door which I did. We had sex again. netx morinig shes goin on and on about how good she slept that she ahdnt slept so good in months. we part ways the next text is how she was not feeling good about what happened. She called later and then next thing I know Im on the defensive again, and her tellling me that she was going to start dating other men. and how she loves me but we just cant get along and how everything i did was wrong. i was alway accusing her of things, lying, etc. of course when I did point out that she had been caught in numerous lies, how was i suppsoed to know whne she wa stelling the tructh to me. which then got flipped over to I never let go of the past. I should have knew better not to defend myself. But I just could stop. She accused me of disrepcting her becasue of playful bantering we did last time we was togther. Its amzing how one minute your behaviors is perfectly ok and the next its wrong. Or on the day it happens its a laughing matter and two months later I disrepsected her. as much as I thought I had learned about BPD Im completely lost and It like I still fail. I feel just like I did two months ago when the break up first happened. Im back to wondering if she will ever call again and then I wonder why I would want her too.

[Phoenix.Rising]

mitchell16,

I've read many of your other posts, and I understand your struggle.  I really do.  A bit of tough love here: You are just as responsible for the recycles as she is.  So, the question is, what do you really want?  If it's her, that is OK.  What can you do to improve your relationship with her?  If you want to move on, that is definitely understandable as well.  That is what I am doing.  What can you do to maximize your recovery in that regard?  There are no easy answers.

Here are some things I did.  Permanently deleted my Facebook account for obvious reasons and I quit contacting her.  If she continues to contact, state that you care about her well being, but do not want to talk with her, and if she persists, then ignore.  If she has stuff of yours, let it go.  It's not that important.  For me, it was like withdrawing for herion or something... terrible.  I'm still not over it, but it is much better.  I also just found out that my ex has married again, to a guy she dated for 3 months who just got out of prison. 

I can tell you really care about her.  Maybe you should try to be with her?  Only you can answer these questions, but try to answer them and be honest with yourself.  There is a saying: To thine own self be true.  What does that mean to you?  If you're not sure, start writing it down and it will come to you.  Maybe write down a concrete plan to follow as well.  This will not happen by itself.  I can see her repeating this ad infinitum.  She is sick, Mitchell.  Best to you, and take care of you.  You are worth it.  Peace.

PR

[mitchell16]

Phoenix.Rising, thanks for the advice. I dont blame her for the recycle or whatever its called. I gave in so thats on me. I have done everything to avoid her, I closed my facebook, quit respoding to her texts unless it was something work related. This text was about the property and I agreed to let her return it but when she started making it a difficult thing I texted her just through it away, which let to the phone call. That was were I made my mistake, i engaged her. Which led to her telling me she was to sick to drive home, could she just stay at my house for the night. being that I still do love her and care for and not wanting to let her drive and have an accident I agreed of course that led to sex. the next night she just basicaly showed up drunk and she knew I wouldnt let her leave that drunk and drive home. She lives along way away. Which as soon she walked in she was on me. then she laid in my arms the rest of the night telling me how much she loves me but the next day it was right back to the same. She telling me it wouldnt work with us weve tried to many times. Of course I wasnt asking but I couldnt comprehend why would she want to come over and put us both through this emotinal hell all over again. of course then she started with kitchen sinking, throwing anything and everything at me that I had ever done or she perceieved I had done which most of it was not true. I did date a lady while we were apart the last time and I had sex with this person. I was trying my best to move on and i was honest with this person telling her I didnt want a relationship and that was ok with her. when me and the ex reconciled she wanted to know if I had sex with anybody else. I explained since we was apart it was none of her business just like it was none of my business what she did. of course she wouldnt let it go, days and days of asking me and telling me she had a right to know if we was getting back together. So I told her the truth i didnt want to start of with a lie. of course now she wont let that go. She accused me of slights that didnt happen, accused me of looking at her funny when she was on the phone, she said it was like I was suspcios of her. I rember what she was talking about. I was in another room of the house talking out loud to her and I walked around the corner and she was on the phone and I made a face excusing myself that she was on the phone and i was accidentally intruded. She turned it around that I was suspcious of her which on that incident I wasnt. of course me telling her that It wasnt true doesnt work, just listening in silence only validates her version of it, telling her I see her point but thats not the case doesnt work. So i have no why of making it work. as much as I love her I cant fix what I havent broke

[bpdspell]

Mitchell,

I think you have some serious self-assessing to do. Sometimes it's as simple as admitting to yourself that you still love and want to be with this woman. When I first broke up with my ex I didn't text him nor call but I'll be damn if I didn't have my phone superglued to my hand in case he wanted to make the first move. When weeks would go by I'd be basically like a crack junkie looking for my next BPD fix. All initiated by him of course. I wasn't ready to detach because the sex was awesome and I was still in rescuer "love will conquer all" "it won't ever be this good again" mode.

If you aren't ready to detach (which is the goal of the leaving board) then just be honest with yourself. No one on here can judge you. It takes time and lots of acceptance before we fully understand that we are in love with a mentally ill person.

I have no doubt that my ex and I were in love. The problem is that BPD prevents us from ever being on the same page.

Loving someone does not make you weak; not being honest with yourself does.

Spell

[Phoenix.Rising]

I accept I was in love (still am, but to a lesser degree) with a mentally ill person.  However, this person made no consistent effort to improve her situation.  She is probably an alcoholic, but she continues to drink daily.  She is not interested in therapy to work on herself.  Everyone else was/is the problem.  She was/is in serious denial. 

So, with that said, I could not and will not accept being in a long-term relationship with someone who is sick and unwilling to do anything about it.  I am not willing to be her enabler.  I do not accept what is unacceptable behavior to me.  This is my boundary.  I care enough about myself to move on.

Mitchell, what is acceptable to you?  I know you've been trying, and I'm not coming down on you.  I'm asking you to ask yourself what is important to you.  Only you can answer that.  Your love for her will not conquer BPD.  She has to come to terms with that on her own.

[myself]

Loving someone does not make you weak; not being honest with yourself does.

That's where so many of us get off track, isn't it?

We feel to love, to share--- And we do.

But in a close relationship, there needs to be real reciprocation.

When there are too many times that doesn't happen, what are your choices?

Stay and deal with it as best you can, or leave and deal with it as best you can.

Going back and forth just perpetuates the patterns.

Hers AND yours.

I'm having to walk away from the woman I love, too, again, due to whatever is inside of her that doesn't allow a real relationship to exist between us. My needs aren't being met, my efforts seem to be in vain, and my love just isn't enough to change things. I'm responsible for my stuff but can not take the blame for all of it, not the ways she'd like me to 'to keep the peace'. She has her version of reality and I have mine, and as much as I wish they could blend and we'd be happy together, they don't, and we can't.

Lots of good advice here. As usual.

Best of luck to all of you. Do what's best for your own hearts and minds.

Just as I need to be My (true) self, you need to be Your (true) self.

[Ironmanrises]

I accept I was in love (still am, but to a lesser degree) with a mentally ill person.  However, this person made no consistent effort to improve her situation.  She is probably an alcoholic, but she continues to drink daily.  She is not interested in therapy to work on herself.  Everyone else was/is the problem.  She was/is in serious denial. 

So, with that said, I could not and will not accept being in a long-term relationship with someone who is sick and unwilling to do anything about it.  I am not willing to be her enabler.  I do not accept what is unacceptable behavior to me.  This is my boundary.  I care enough about myself to move on.

Mitchell, what is acceptable to you?  I know you've been trying, and I'm not coming down on you.  I'm asking you to ask yourself what is important to you.  Only you can answer that.  Your love for her will not conquer BPD.  She has to come to terms with that on her own.

In bold.

I just cried reading that.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Yes, this is very sad and painful.  It is ok to cry, Ironmanfalls.

Myself, it's nice to hear from you again.  I hope you are alright despite the struggle. 

[babyducks]

Mitchell,

somewhere on this site I am sure there is an article on trauma bonding.  I would encourage you to take a look for it.

if you can't find one here there is a nice little explanation on abuseandrelationships.org

basically trauma bonding is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings and sexual physiology to entangle another person.

there is a biological basis for the intense reactions we have, that has nothing to do with how we think.  but has more to do with how we are wired.   it's what makes these relationships so intense.

our part of the trauma bond is usually loaded because we tend to come from childhoods that were unsafe in some way.

so we are fighting on two fronts,  the current chaos and the childhood chaos.   

Work for clarity.

babyducks

[mitchell16]

thanks for all the advice. Imnot afraid to admit that I do love her and wished it would work. I feel like I have put forward some much effort, probably more then I ever have in any relationship. being NC was what i trying to attempt because I wanted to seperate myself from her and move on. After two months of avoiding her contacts with every attempt she made. But she would keep trying about every 8 days or so. She found the one thing that would get me to repsond and that started it off all over again but only for her to just to drop m eon my head two days later. Of course she didnt imply we was getting back togther and I didnt read into that but once we were togther she started teling me how much she loved me and it made it very hard not to fall into that mode of thinking.

Why does she want to inflict so much pain onto me. I dont understand it. You dont wnat to be with someonoe fine, go your way and they go theirs.

Why do I want this crazy relationship to work?

why cant i get past it completely?

These are all teh crazy questions I ask myself today.

havent heard a thing from her since friday of course she is on vacation.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Why does she want to inflict so much pain onto me. I dont understand it. You dont wnat to be with someonoe fine, go your way and they go theirs.

Why do I want this crazy relationship to work?

why cant i get past it completely?

She is mentally ill.  Her ways will not seem logical to you.  Also, it helps to start thinking like you are not a victim.  You do have the power to say 'No' to her.

I believe that Babyducks is on to something mentioning trauma bonding.  This is an excellent book:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.0

I'm still getting past my relationship, but as has already been mentioned, it is likely that your pain goes much deeper than your exgf.  Do you have a therapist?

[Learning_curve74]

Everybody here understands how you feel Mitchell.    You are in pain and can't accept in your mind that her words and actions don't match up. "I love you/let's have sex/get away from me/you're no good" You can't accept that she has an ingrained habit to push/pull anybody intimately close to her. These are coping and survival skills she's used to get through her whole life.

Both of you are getting something out of the "dance". What do you get from her other than the pain? There has to be something else, right? If it was only pain, then you'd just pull away like taking your hand out of the fire.

What Phoenix.Rising said resonates a lot with me: You are not a victim. You have the power to say no.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mitch, I suspect most of us Nons know what its like to get sucked back in, so go easy on yourself.  I actually broke off an engagement to my uBPDexW because I recognized on some level that our r/s was seriously flawed.  Yet I wasn't strong enough to say No a second time and ended up getting married to her.  It was all part of the learning process, and a function of my low self-esteem and need for growth, but I went through hell in a 16-year marriage in order to get the message.  Maybe you won't need to follow in my footsteps?  Hang in there, Lucky Jim

[Phoenix.Rising]

In relation to trauma bonding, and why we go back for more, etc., this post by 2010 is one of the most profound I've read on this site:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.msg1548981#msg1548981

I highly recommend reading it through.

[mitchell16]

that was very helpful. Maybe thats been my problem. Though im going through my mind to see if i am "lonley child" not sure maybe. I grew up hard, parents worked nights, I was left to care for my younger brother. parents went threw 3 divorces as a child. Mother was very verbally/ somewhat physically abusive. Father was quite type, but very styrong handed when needed. I was very self relient as child been supoorting myself since I was 16 years old. Im a quite person, but have a somewhat type A personality. at times over achiever and at times an under achiever. Growing up I was a underachiever.

maybe this is what my problem is why I cant let go all the way. It does make sense.

[myself]

All of that, Mitchell, which I relate to as well, and also just because you care about this person and have shared love and intimacies together, deep friendly moments, and there's a part of you that doesn't want to let that go. Realising 'it is what it is', no matter how we feel about it or wish it could be otherwise, helps us detach and grow. I don't think there will ever be a time when we are 'completely' done with this stuff, but we can make it better for ourselves by also turning the love we feel to share with others onto ourselves. Very often that is the real missing piece in these puzzles.