NYS at-fault divorce

[bombdiffuser]

I'm trying to save my marriage but it seems less and less likely each day. I have proof that my dBPDw has cheated on me (texts from lover saying "sex was incredible" and voice recorded her admitting to it). I read that if the spouse that was cheated on excepted the cheating that he can't file for an at-fault divorce. Is there a time limit in which I have to file for divorce after finding out about her adultry? I don't know many details but it sounds like finacially I'm better off to file a fault divorce and I'm afraid she knows all this (from talking to a lawyer) and is hanging around long for me to not be able to file an at-fault divorce.

Any one know anything about this?

[bombdiffuser]

I've also read that the only advantage to an at-fault divorce is speeding up the process and also read that it can effect a courts decision on splitting assets and child support and custody. So I don't know what to believe. My heart says give her a chance, my brain says put an end to the suffering and divorce her immediately, but money is tight , I don't want to lose my house in the process.

[ForeverDad]

The number one question - edit: two questions at least, ought to be many - to whether to accept her back is... .

Are you 100% certain and she is truly sorry and has truly changed (generally more believable after extended intense therapy) or will you see later they ended up being crocodile tears, sorry she was caught and less sorry for what she did?

Can you let go of this?  What would you think if/when this happens again?

Besides the infidelity, are there any other issues with the marital relationship?  Is she a trusted friend?  Does you two share everything with each other?

Yeah, no simple single answer.  It's an overall judgement call, yours, considering what was, what is and what will likely be.

[livednlearned]

I'm trying to save my marriage but it seems less and less likely each day. I have proof that my dBPDw has cheated on me (texts from lover saying "sex was incredible" and voice recorded her admitting to it). I read that if the spouse that was cheated on excepted the cheating that he can't file for an at-fault divorce. Is there a time limit in which I have to file for divorce after finding out about her adultry? I don't know many details but it sounds like finacially I'm better off to file a fault divorce and I'm afraid she knows all this (from talking to a lawyer) and is hanging around long for me to not be able to file an at-fault divorce.

Any one know anything about this?

I'm in a fault-state and there is a statute of limitations. It might be different for your state, though. There are alienation of affection laws where I live, and if you are divorcing based on an affair, it's important that you do so when you first file, not after any financial settlement is made. It will prevent the amount of alimony you have to pay her (if any), and will help you hang onto more of your assets. In my state, you can also sue the paramour, but that's harder to do.

From what I understand, it does not affect child custody much, if at all. Mostly it's financial.

[bombdiffuser]

Ok, so I found the answers to some of my questions, looks like I have 5 years to file after finding out about adultry. But if I engage in sexual relations with her that is considered "foregiveness" and I can't file at-fault. I'm surpised she hasn't read up on this and tried to get me in the sack to prevent it.   

ForeverDad- thanks for the insight, however my story is complicated (aren't they all) and can be found in the new members forum. I don't want to rehash it all on this board as I was trying to keep it to legal advice. What my heart tells me can be completely different from my brain (and apparently if I want to keep my options open I have to ignore the "other" body part that sometimes does the thinking)

[livednlearned]

Ok, so I found the answers to some of my questions, looks like I have 5 years to file after finding out about adultry. But if I engage in sexual relations with her that is considered "foregiveness" and I can't file at-fault. I'm surpised she hasn't read up on this and tried to get me in the sack to prevent it.   

ForeverDad- thanks for the insight, however my story is complicated (aren't they all) and can be found in the new members forum. I don't want to rehash it all on this board as I was trying to keep it to legal advice. What my heart tells me can be completely different from my brain (and apparently if I want to keep my options open I have to ignore the "other" body part that sometimes does the thinking)

Even if you are torn by your decision, it's really smart of you to get as much information as possible. Learn as much as you can from your L (or several Ls -- you can get consults that are roughly $50-$100 and sometimes free), from the Internet, from us here. There's also a book called Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. Highly recommended. Eddy is both a former psychologist, currently an L practicing family law. He co-wrote the book with Randi Kreger, I believe.

Be aware, too, that many of the men here have experienced false allegations of domestic violence from their pwBPD. If you are living with yours and divorce is in the air, your situation is highly volatile. If NY is a one-party state, you can record her covertly during rages, or, worse-case scenario, during a situation where she alleges DV against you.

Hope you find peace.

LnL