Getting less and less "undecided" every day

[CatBlack]

Saturday night, he confessed that he'd been back on dating sites. I blew up at him, since this has been a huge, specific issue between us - our agreement when he moved in was (a) no contacting the ex and (b) no trolling dating sites. He contacted the ex, I told him he needed to move out but I was willing to continue to work on our relationship and give him his umpteenth "second chance." He says he figured it didn't matter any more and he might as well, since I was "kicking him out." I slept on the couch Saturday night since I was so hurt and angry I couldn't stand to be near him. Sunday morning, he came to me and apologized, he said he knew he had a problem, that it was compulsive behavior, that he would get therapy for it and that he was really sorry he'd hurt me and wanted to make things better. He's very good at apologies. He made me watch while he deleted his dating profile and promised not to do that again.

While I was out walking the dog that morning, I saw a flier for an open house at an apartment building that looked promising - the right location and in his price range. So we went to look at it and it's actually perfect for him. He saw a place he liked and put in an application, and he seemed happier and more hopeful than I've seen him in a long time. He has a plan for getting the deposit together and things seem to be in motion. This is the good part.

Later that day, we're both hanging out at home - he's right next to me and he has his phone out and I see that he's messaging someone labeled "Theresa from POF" (pof=plentyoffish.com). So I blew up at him again, for reasons I hope I don't need to explain to anyone. He says, yes of course he deleted the profile! but he was already messaging this girl and still really wanted to meet her! and that was ok because he and were "broken up" (note: he and I did not "break up," I just asked him to move out) and he called me controlling and nosy and, well, all the crappy stuff he calls me when he gets caught doing something wrong. And, once again, he went over all the negative stuff he pulls out whenever he's dumping me and put me through emotional hell for an hour or two.

So, I said, well, I guess we're dating other people now? so I should start looking, too? tell me when you're meeting Theresa and I'll be sure to have something lined up for the same night. And then I got called petty and vindictive and he said that I must not have ever loved him if I could consider dating anyone so soon after our "breakup." At that point, all I could do was laugh. The whole thing is incredibly painful but it just gets so absurd after a certain point I can't take it anymore.

I slept on the couch again. He told me he'd messaged Theresa to tell her it was off and that he wasn't ready to date anyone yet and that he'd try to be more considerate of me in the time we still needed to live together. Another meaningless apology, but I thanked him for it and acted like it meant something, just in case it did. When I said goodbye this morning as I was leaving for work, he tried to hug me and I blew up at him yet again and he did his iceman thing and told me I was being annoying.

This is getting so intolerable. I wish he could be gone tomorrow and I could just not speak to him for a few months. Or ever. Right now he's begging me to reassure him that we can still "be friends" and I'm not sure I can even do that. It's all too much and I just wish I could disappear for a while. Instead I have to keep going home to this. I never wanted any of this.

[Surnia]

Hi CatBlack

So sorry to hear that. 

Sounds like he is looking for someone else to deal with his fear of abandonment. 

What prevents you from let him move out? Or at least rearrange the apartment that its clear you are having both your rooms, until he is out?

[CatBlack]

My apartment is very small; it's not easy to keep out of each others' way. He's unemployed and doesn't have enough money to move yet - that's one of the reasons he moved in with me.

Things are calmer for now. We had another big fight last night. He had a therapy appointment yesterday near where I work and invited me to meet him afterwards for dinner. I won some concert tickets yesterday and invited a friend to go with me - when we met up, I told him this (not in a mean way, it actually didn't occur to me that he'd even want to go.) He raged at me because I didn't invite him, I was "putting other people first" and he felt betrayed that I would choose someone else over him, that I wasn't really his friend and didn't really care about him that I was just being petty because I couldn't accept that he didn't want me anymore, and so on.

We skipped dinner and went home together with him fuming at me the whole way. I was angry but also more detached than I'd ever been - it was so clear that this was his disorder yelling at me, not him. We got home, I went into the bedroom and shut the door and told him to just leave me alone. After maybe ten minutes, he came in and was sobbing and apologizing and looking a little kid after the tantrum. He said he was terrified of losing me. This is how it's always been with us, he rages and then apologizes so piteously that I forget all about the miserable things he says when he's angry. He admitted that I was right, he didn't even want to go to the concert, he just felt bad about being left out.

So we went back to our original dinner plans and went out and had a pretty good time, all things considered. He had asked his t that day about DBT - I told him a little of what I've read about and he really wants to do it. His t is going to help him find a program. He still doesn't have an official BPD diagnosis but I think it's not far off. We talked about that, and about how much he wants to get better. He thinks that he shouldn't be in a serious relationship with anyone until he gets some help. He says he knows he's just going to keep hurting me over and over again, that he doesn't feel in control of the behaviors that I can't handle, and he needs space and time to himself in order to figure things out.

I can't argue with any of that - actually, I completely agree, I just have a hard time letting him go. I don't really know how it's going to work. I want to get on with my life and leave all this chaos behind me, but I don't think it will be that simple and I don't think I can separate myself from him so easily. I feel like he's part of me no matter what, whether I like it or not. I hope once he's out of the house and we don't have to see each other every day, things will get clearer.

[StandUpGuy]

I feel like I'm reading my diary almost, if I had a diary.  It's the same story all over this site. What it really comes down to is that you have two choices: you can A) get out as smoothly as you can, avoid all contact and move on to a more productive, happy life;  or, you can continue questioning every text, email, and phone call he gets, wonder where he is, accuse him of things he'll explain away or deny, be treated poorly and generally unhappy FOREVER. 

We don't judge here because we all feel your pain and your struggle (I'm only about 24 hours into the current breakup), but know that those are really your only options. Leave, or deal with it. But he will never change unless he decides to really out the work in on his own. If he does it for you, then eventually you'll say or do the wrong thing and he'll snap right out of "good him" just to spite you. 

God, it's so hard to deal with all of this. You wish you could just convive them to be different. You think "if you love me SO much, why won't you change for me?"   But they just think "I should be blue to do whatever I want whenever I want to" and only Long Term therapy and meetings will change that thinking.  Not one or a even a hundred guilt trips from us.  

[CatBlack]

The constant questioning is the worst - every time he checks his phone I'm wondering if he's looking for a message from someone he doesn't want me to know about. Knowing that this person who claims to love me so very much can't give up the attention of total strangers for my sake. Knowing that he can look me straight in the eye and lie to me if it suits him, and there is nothing I can do about it. The only way to get him to stop lying to me is to get him not to speak to me, because he can't seem to open his mouth without telling a lie.

I keep hoping he'll change, or that somehow I'll learn to deal with it or come to some kind of justification in my head for his behavior, but it's just not worth it. I have no idea why he has such a hold over me after all this. I will be so relieved when he moves out and I have my home back, but I know I'll also miss him terribly and I'll have some very painful and ugly feelings when he starts dating other women again. I see why people go NC - it's like ripping the bandaid off. Otherwise you're just constantly reopening the wound. I want us to stay friends because I want to keep the good parts of the relationship, but maybe that's naive. I don't know.

[Javagirl]

CatBlack,

Story of my life.  He would be getting texts from women left and right but I'm insecure, crazy and jealous for not believing that there is nothing  going on.  So, after a year of this BS, I have finally had enough.  I don't trust him, don't believe him, and I'm at the point where I'm finally relieved to be away from him (broken up 3 weeks).  I have my moments and is why I'm on this site but deep down inside I know that I just can't take it anymore.  We had great times, great chemistry, great sex and tons of laughs but we also had several of his out of the blue temper tantrums - I'm talking out of control and then silence for a couple of days.  He was texting atleast 18+ different women during our 1 year together.  Most he slept with previously but according to him that is completely normal and wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't so insecure.  Well - now he can text to his heart's content because I don't give a crap... .and when he's feeling really empty because he doesn't have me around (if that is even possible with a pwBPD) I won't give a ___.  He also has NPD because he is gorgeous with bright blue eyes and so charming and funny and when you first meet him you think WOW this guy is amazing!  NOT!  He is the devil in disguise with his disrespect, lies, yelling, out of control temper.  His words cut like a knife.  Run - run as fast as you can and don't look back!  PS - I'm still waiting for him to get his stuff out of my garage.  He was supposed to come but never did.  He's always playing some game but for me the game is family over.  Whew - he was exhausting!

[GreenMango]

I want us to stay friends because I want to keep the good parts of the relationship

I gotta ask... .what are the good parts?

From what I'm reading he can't open his mouth without lying, dances the line with cheating, and you end up sleeping on your sofa while he sleeps all comfy in your bed.

Even if you want to try to work it out its a good time to sit down with yourself and really look at your needs, dealbreakers, and all the jazz.  You matter but he's leading.

He's running amok.

[CatBlack]

Is it funny or sad that I want to leap to his defense here? "You don't know him, deep down he's a good person, he's really sweet and funny and nice, he's just confused, he's getting help, he's trying to do better, he really loves me but he has a mental illness and can't help it... ." and so on.

We have a lot of fun together, we have amazing chemistry and I keep seeing this relationship as one that has so much potential. I can see all the ways he's hurting me and wearing me down and grinding me to dust, and yet I keep grasping on to excuses to keep him around. Because he's fun most of the time and the sex is good. I wish I could just not care about all the other stuff - the lying, the cheating, the periodic rages - and not expect him to be a "real" boyfriend and I think that's what I mean by "keeping the good stuff." Even if I could do that, though, I'm thinking it wouldn't actually be very healthy. I need to be free to find someone who has the good stuff but who is also capable of being honest and loyal.

[GreenMango]

Funny!  I did that too!

Very few people are one thing only.  It's if the good outweighs the bad.  What you can live with.

Sounds like you have some things to think about as far as measuring him up though.  Your quality of life does matter.

Boundaries can be a little scary of we havent had them with a person or relationship.  It means taking a chance we lose the person.

Check out the making a decision guide to the right margin its a good way to suss out which way to head.

[slimmiller]

Congratulations for standing up for yourself. You are not allowing him to get away with disrespecting you as I did for too long.

If he stops his deal breaker behaviour (dating sites etc) only because he was caught, he is not really sorry. My exBPD is sorry too but only when she gets caught or is in pain. Her apologies are never with any real remorse (Not what is real to us)

The absurdity of how they think was very well demonstrated by his getting upset over you not asking him to the concert. And yet somehow in his mind he can be on dating sites

Also where you say you want to defend him and deep down he is a good guy... .there is good in them when they are mirroring it from someone else. Im not sure that they know what they have inside themselves but a hollow core and they do whatever, anything to FEEL, something even if its pain. Its still feeling and we become 'collateral damage so to speak'

[CatBlack]

This board has been so helpful to me. I'm reading the "staying" and "leaving" boards and noticing that I feel mildly panicky when I read accounts of those who are determined to hang in there, while the "leaving" boards feel like fresh air, especially when people talk about how much better they feel once their BPDso is out of their lives. I think of staying in this relationship as it is and I feel anxious and stifled. I used to think things could change if I just figured out the right way to handle it - I read "Walking on Eggshells," I'm exploring the tools discussed on this website, and while they are a big help in the short term, I just don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. Or even for another year or two or however long this goes on. I want to be with someone who doesn't need to be "handled." It's exhausting.

I love him. That's not going to change. I don't think I can be with him any more, though. He's begging me to promise that I'll always be his friend and I want to agree (he knows I keep my promises) but the best answer I can give is "I'll stay your friend if you can be a friend to me."

[Aussie0zborn]

Well said, Cat. It sounds like you have worked out what you need to do. If ever in doubt, read your post above again. I think very inspirational for everyone who reads it.  Wishing you well. :-)

[CatBlack]

We're checking out an apartment for him tonight. It sounds perfect and I'm hopeful - it's available immediately and he could be out of my house very, very soon. I thought I'd be sad or have second thoughts but I find myself a little giddy and elated. Every time we broke up before, I was sad until he came back. Now I feel like I'm about to lay down a heavy burden and I will be so, so happy to get my life and myself back. Hoping!