Hi Cipher13!
I agree with the others about this text conversation being too long and also really abusive. And I understand how frustrated you must be and want to commend you actually for not loosing it and let temper get the better of you... .That is tough! And in that regard you do well!
The saying I am sorry over and over is a bit of a problem though as some have pointed out... .
And what got me thinking is there is something problematic about the whole reason for this conversation in regards to this eleged promise or commitment you seem to have agreed to regarding telling her all the time what you do... .?
Now I know you guys are in some kind of couples counseling, right? And I remember you were writing down stuff to work on in your relationship... .But did you really agree to at all times letting her know exactly what you are doing, and if so... .why?
And how far does that promise go? Do you have to let her know if you are going to the bathroom too?
I know you are a guy with a huge heart and you are really trying here... .But part of making this work is actually creating "rules" and boundaries that you feel it is ok to commit to... .Not just giving in to her every whim... .
And the way I see it, giving in to these demands is setting you up for disaster all the time, since:
A: you cannot really live up to such a claim, it is impossible for any of us to be accountable all the time for what we do and send info on our every step to our partners... .It is bound to fail at one time or another... .And then- BAM your hit with an accusation that you cannot defend yourself at all against, since you have made "the promise". That the "promise" is impossible to fulfill wont count at that point... .
B: going along with such commitments creates a whole lot of opportunity for your partner to be able to bait you into argument and allow for her to blow off steam on you whenever she is having an anxiety attack or feels frustrated over whatever. It will create more problems than solutions... .
I ask you, was this really something you wanted to commit to? Or did you get cornered into it?
I can understand so far that if one have made plans with ones partner and for some reason or other need those plans changed, due to stuff we want to or need to do, then of course letting said partner know we need plans to change is important.
I can also understand that it can be "nice" at times to willingly tell a partner what we are going to do, just to make conversation or touch base. But it cannot be a trust issue! You are a trustworthy person whether or not you let her know at all times what you are doing. And she has to accept that, in order for anything to work... .
Now if you had a record of cheating every opportunity you got or did something else that from an objective perspective eroded the trust in the relationship, I could understand if it would take a bit of time to rebuild that trust, but ultimately that too needs to be the work of the person not trusting, not single handedly the work of the person not trusted... .
She is the one having problems with trust, that means she needs to work on her. You cannot do that for her. That is, as you hopefully see now just by reading your text conversation, you cannot make her trust you. She has to!
Again, I think down deep this is not about trusting you or not, this is about her BPD and her issues of trust in general. And her need for baiting and engaging you into argument, so she can get release and feel good about herself by making you feel bad and take the blame... .
This is not a healthy dynamic. And if you ask me, I think you need to re negotiate this deal... .
First of all any deal you commit to with her should not violate any of your boundaries. And becoming a slave to someone by constantly reassuring them and telling them what you do, and perhaps even adjust what you do according to her liking, is violating boundaries, that I think you should have!
I agree with Surnia here with her suggested text. That is an example of a healthy commitment. Not being secretive about what to do when asked, but at the same time counting on getting the space needed to do whatever it is you need or want to do!
Now I am not you, so I would never agree to any deal about telling a partner exactly what to do at all times... .To me a demand for that would be a deal breaker... .But I could commit to be open about what I do, if requested upon and as a part of a nice conversation... .However if the partner began to accuse me of not saying things fast enough or wanted to change what I was doing then that would to me be breaking my boundaries... .And I would disengage until said person had calmed down and could accept the fact that I am not a part of them... .But my own individual and need to be respected as such. At least on some level... .
Now, all you can do is set up boundaries that fit into your image of what is reasonable for you! But it is important that you do... .The problem is we cannot make other people comply with us if they are hellbent on not doing so. But then we have to allow them to take responsibility for their choices... .If she cannot live with you not reeling her every minute about whatever mundane thing you might be doing. Then that has to be allowed to be her choice... .If we give up on ourselves completely and allow whatever disordered and abusive thing they can come up with to go on, then what will be left of us in the end?
The thing is... .Since her need for these "rules" are disordered and unreasonable in the first place, and the true reasons for it is about her and her disorder. Then chances are she will still not be satisfied even if you would be able to commit 100% to this deal! Since then she would need to find something else to use to bait you into argument when she needs release from frustration... .And what then?
You are such a good hearted person, Cipher, and you do not deserve to be treated this way! That is a fact! The tough part is you will have to be the one doing the work in order for you to be able to create a functional boundary fort around you, either within or without this relationship... .It is tough choices... .But in the end we do have to look out for number one... .And your number one has to be you!
Best Wishes
Scout99
