How to handle constant physical complaints with no underlying medical cause

[hopefulmom25]

I'm at a loss for how to deal with my 18 year old daughter who constantly complains that she doesn't feel well, has pain, her body won't let her eat, etc.  I know the symptoms are something she is really feeling and so I can validate that, but what do you do when she wants to go to the emergency room or have expensive tests that you know won't show anything wrong with her? We have not made her aware of her diagnosis because she would likely just use it as another way to seek attention from friends by posting it on Facebook, etc (she is very prone to posts about how she is crying her eyes out, which then generates responses of concern from friends). I've tried talking about the likelihood that her symptoms are stress related and the best fix may be to find productive ways to handle stress, but I don't think she gets it.  Thoughts?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, hopefulmom25... . I'm happy to see you on the Supporting Board. You will find many parents who will have a good understanding of what you are going through, and will be helpful. I do know that my own son (36) who has BPD always seems to have some sort of health issue. Most of them are real, but every now and then I feel like the "stomach ache" or "headache" is mostly real to him as a way of hiding out from the world when he's dysregulated and afraid of venturing out. I know if I suggested to him that these symptoms are maybe stress-related he would probably also deny that. The maladies are truly real to him.

You've mentioned that your daughter has been diagnosed with BPD (although she doesn't know it). Has she ever had any therapy? If she's seen professionals and gotten a diagnosis, has anyone actually done anything to help her for it? When she's feeling really sick and wants to go to the ER or get expensive tests, does she have a Family Dr. to see at those times who can let her know what to do about the sickness? Let the Dr. tell her she has this or that and doesn't need the tests she wants?

One other thing... . if she knew her DX and someone explained to her how it is making her life miserable and difficult, is there no chance that she would actually be able to benefit from that? I know you feel she is seeking attention and would use the DX to her advantage that way; maybe a professional (one who gave the DX?) would handle it in a way that would actually be beneficial to her instead? One who could treat her, help her get Dialectical Behavior Therapy, etc. in order for her life to get better.

I realize she is making life so stressful for you, as well as herself, and it's really hard to know what to do about it. I'm just wondering if any of the professionals who have DXed her could be a help here, for her and you. And maybe they could advise you about handling her health complaints, and help her handle them as well. Sorry for so many questions! I'm just so sorry for her, and you and your family, that I'm wondering what the doctors and other professionals would advise or have advised... .

[hopefulmom25]

Thanks for your thoughts Rapt Reader. My daughter has been in residential treatment for almost 18 months, and she has gotten a lot of DBT.  She is now in a transitional boarding school where there're is less in the way of formal DBT but they definitely use the principles.  For now I just get texts and phone calls about how bad she is feeling.  It is doubly difficult not being able to see her - no way to know if this is a momentary thing or she really has been feeling bad over a sustained period.  I know the feelings are real to her.  Although she has done this for years, I think she is even more anxious about feeling bad now because her birth father died a year ago at age 37 and she is afraid she has inherited something that will kill her too.  Understandable, but... . With having been in different treatment facilities she really doesn't have a doctor who knows her well.  Maybe after she comes home from treatment that will be a good strategy.  I'll keep it in mind. Thanks.

[Rapt Reader]

I am truly happy that your daughter is getting treatment, hopefulmom25, and it does sound like there are professionals attending to her needs for her DXs. At least if her health were really at risk (as she thinks, I'm sure   ), there would be some medical help available to her. I'm really glad to hear that... .

This is really hard. To get the texts, to not be there with her when she complains to you, when she is so certain of her maladies. You are a normal Mom and it is going to hurt when that happens; it hurts me too when my son is hurting--physically or emotionally.

Have you had the chance to poke around this site yet? There are Workshops and Articles that could really help you in many areas... . You can click on those links and just scan through for the subjects that you feel are "calling your name"   

Since your daughter isn't home right now (right?), you can spend this time away from her reading and learning and getting an idea of what she's going through, and how you can handle it. And make things better... .

[Thursday]

My BPDSD22 has a lot of difficulty with understanding when it is prudent to seek medical attention. She also has very little understanding of how her body works. In the past, she has gotten a splinter and left it in (she enjoyed showing the splinter in her finger to anyone who would look at it including posting pictures of the finger, once it was infected, on Facebook.) Predictably the finger did need to be seen by a doctor once the infection got out of hand. She posted about that on Facebook too.

Because of this I sat for a few hours and developed a protocol for her to refer to. I printed it up and had it laminated. She usually calls me in a panic about this or that ailment and I tell her to find the protocol and go over it with her. It is simple things like "Has anyone else you are around been sick? Have you taken your temperature? When was your last BM?" Since I wasn't around when she was younger, I try to inform her the way I would have, step by step, about taking care of herself.

WE have also had discussions about not wasting Dr. and nurses time. Recently her grandmother got sick in the middle of the night and she drove GM to the ER. I used that as an example of not abusing the ER (what if there were people ahead of your GM there for a tummy ache because they over-ate? Used this because she has gone to the ER for overeating and the pain it created)

Her calling me eliminates her involving other people in her drama about feeling poorly. She has often gotten unsound advice from her peers, has gotten more and more upset by their advice. SD believes I have some sort of special knowledge about health issues when I am only using common sense. She gets so anxious about these things, we don't need someone telling her she might have to have her finger amputated... . she heard that from a few people when her finger was infected and she held off going to the doctor because of that.

Hope this helps!

Thursday

[six]

I just want to add to this discussion that one of my children  (non-BPD) complained for ten years about stomach pains and i thought it was stress. we tried to restrict her from eating practically every food that might have been an irritant.  an acupuncturist discovered that she was allergic to garlic powder.  pain all but went away when she stopped eating garlic powder.  all the western medical doctors we consulted never figured this out.  just FYI

[Being Mindful]

Hi Hopefulmom,

My BPD.d20 is constantly full of pain in her body, has stomach aches etc. etc. We spent a ton of time in doctors offices and the ER for a number of ailments that never had a diagnosis behind it. However, it is real to her.

What we did that seemed to help... .

We stopped running, dropping everything to take her to appointments or the ER. Although, we did assist her in finding others to help her for a while. We did this because at times it seems that she was attention seeking from us. This quelled them for a while, but eventually she went back to the same frantic behavior. Now, we validate her pain, and follow it with what do you think you can do to help yourself. This works a fair amount of time. The message is that we don't doubt her pain, it must be terrible, painful, scary AND it turns it back to her to solve... .i.e. take Tylenol, use coping skills, take a warm bath, or call the doctor. For us, it is important to turn it back to her to solve and find ways for her to take care of herself.

Being Mindful

[lbjnltx]

There have been 2 times in the past year that my dd16 has been in terrible pain due to constipation.  She insists that we take her to the ER.  From past experience and a $2500 dollar ER bill that ended with "Eat better and get more exercise" we refuse... .because she continues to eat poorly and not exercise.  The last incident... .which began while I was out of town and dh was in charge, ended with the same advice and a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist in the city.  Because my dh is undergoing cancer treatment and has daily appointments in a different city... .because she continues to make poor choices... .I will not make an appointment with the specialist at this time.

I have told her "when you care enough about your health and make the necessary changes in your food choices and exercise and still have problems we will go see a GI Dr."

Same as Being Mindful and Thursday... .Ask questions, validate the discomfort and her experience and put the responsibility back on her.

I don't doubt the reality of her pain... .I won't enable her to continue to make poor choices either.  While I can't always be there to encourage better choices or force her to herself, I can choose not to participate in those poor choices... .ie... .not take her to eat fast food/fried food and foot the bill for those poor choices.

It all stinks though. 

[griz]

Such good advice.  My DD would have a litany of physical ailments all the time. I finally got to the point where I would validate... "oh that sounds painful or uncomfortable" and then follow up with putting it back on her plate by saying, "If you feel you need to you can call the Dr and make an appointment".  First of course she would ask me to call for her and I would just say, it is easier for you to explain what is bothering you and you are old enough to make appointments.  I also do this now with all her appointments.  No more calling the T to change her appt if she needs to.  It is her job

Ususally what would happen is that mysteriously the ailment dissappeared.  Over time we have seen her ailments diminish.  I am learning little by little to do this with everything.  Lost her bank card... well get yourself to the bank to get it replaced.  Can;t find her student ID... .well better get over to student services.

Ah isn't this so much fun.

Griz

[lbjnltx]

Such good advice.  My DD would have a litany of physical ailments all the time. I finally got to the point where I would validate... "oh that sounds painful or uncomfortable" and then follow up with putting it back on her plate by saying, "If you feel you need to you can call the Dr and make an appointment".  First of course she would ask me to call for her and I would just say, it is easier for you to explain what is bothering you and you are old enough to make appointments.  I also do this now with all her appointments.  No more calling the T to change her appt if she needs to.  It is her job

Ususally what would happen is that mysteriously the ailment dissappeared.  Over time we have seen her ailments diminish.  I am learning little by little to do this with everything.  Lost her bank card... well get yourself to the bank to get it replaced.  Can;t find her student ID... .well better get over to student services.

Ah isn't this so much fun.

Griz

Isn't all of this advice the same advice we would give/receive for a "normal" child/adult child?  Validate and keep the responsibility where it belongs... .teaching them to be responsible for self while showing we love and care for them.  If we let our fears/obligation/guilt stand between them and growing up we are not helping... .we are hurting.

[KarenB14]

There are many, many invisible diseases and disorders. In my family I've spent 2-3 decades searching for answers. My BPD daughter had back pain, several extreme surgeries and fusings, hip repair, knee repair and more. Another daughter, undiagnosed but with symptoms of BPD, spent months unable to hold down food along with the musculoskelatal symptoms.

We now know that we have a genetic disorder called Ehlers Danlos 3. BUT... .it can cause hyperadrenalization and even at night so sleep is interrupted and EVERYTHING becomes an over-response. So, it is possible to dedeuce that in a child, experiencing an overabundance of adrenalin creating an extreme fight/flight response,... .that all experiences and perceptions would be colored by it. The area of the brain that is essentially the guard at the gate determining which experience or thought is "ok" or "bad" and summons the fight or flight response is developing in childhood. So if it is askew then it will shape ALL perception. Just armchair science here but worth further reading.

My point is that perception of the disordered individual may have a factual basis. For many years we were told women's pains were all in their heads... .tell that to a woman with disabling endometriosis.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Karen

You make a good point... .I have two daughters... .my oldest has Ehler Danlos (joint hypermobility) and POTS... .She was sick for year before find the she had these two problems.

My youngest has BPD and ADHD... .I do think there is some kind of connection between them. When my youngest complains about being ill I struggle with what to do because I know the EDS is genetic so she could have it too. It is fine line we must walk when it comes to beleiving our BPD children.

[radioguitarguy]

There have been 2 times in the past year that my dd16 has been in terrible pain due to constipation.  She insists that we take her to the ER.  From past experience and a $2500 dollar ER bill that ended with "Eat better and get more exercise" we refuse... .because she continues to eat poorly and not exercise.  The last incident... .which began while I was out of town and dh was in charge, ended with the same advice and a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist in the city.  Because my dh is undergoing cancer treatment and has daily appointments in a different city... .because she continues to make poor choices... .I will not make an appointment with the specialist at this time.



I have told her "when you care enough about your health and make the necessary changes in your food choices and exercise and still have problems we will go see a GI Dr."

Same as Being Mindful and Thursday... .Ask questions, validate the discomfort and her experience and put the responsibility back on her.

I don't doubt the reality of her pain... .I won't enable her to continue to make poor choices either.  While I can't always be there to encourage better choices or force her to herself, I can choose not to participate in those poor choices... .ie... .not take her to eat fast food/fried food and foot the bill for those poor choices.

It all stinks though.  

I was just about to start a new thread on this exact same topic. My 29ds has been falling asleep and/or passing out when he's standing up. Last night he hurt himself in the garage when he fell. He's scared... .who wouldn't be? He did go to the doc, who gave him a form to go have blood drawn. Did he go? Of course not. Much of the time he seems to be his own worst enemy. Now my ds is about 330lbs and smokes 2 packs of cigs a day, does NO exercise, drinks about 3/4 of a gallon of milk a day and pretty much eats mostly processed foods because of the  convenience. I can't imagine what his cholesterol numbers are. He knows what he needs to do, but simply, just won't do it.

After falling in the garage at around 1am, I heard him come upstairs muttering under his breath. He went into the bathroom to put some band aids on the cuts he got and then I heard nothing. I heard nothing because he was falling asleep AGAIN in the bathroom! I'm lying in bed a complete nervous wreck waiting for him to fall down the stairs. What the hell! This last episode scared him enough that just a little while ago he had a friend drive him to the hospital ER. I haven't heard from him as of yet.

The scenarios swirling around in my brain about how this will all turn out are scary. I guess you could say I've been awfullizing a lot. His mom and I are just two stressballs wrapped in worry but we have learned to validate his concerns without stopping everything and running to his rescue. Almost everyone on this board has said to themselves what I'm thinking right now... ."How much more can we possibly take?"

[Thursday]

radioguitarguy-

Well that all sounds pretty scary. Curious to hear what might be the problem. Hope your son is ok (seriously, sounds like something could be a problem with his health)

Like your word "awfullizing" and can picture being a stressball wrapped in worry too.

This week my BPDSD22 had an early shift at work so, to avoid the worry of oversleeping and losing her job (she has lost a job for oversleeping before) she stayed up all night. It was a 12 hour shift she was staying up all night to avoid missing. After the 12 hour shift she went straight to her AA meeting and while out with her group for fellowship she got a Starbucks with 6 extra shots of expresso and an energy drink. She ate a huge platter of fried foods as well.

Then she went to bed for twelve hours or so just in time to get up for her next shift. She reports that she had trouble sleeping and only really got about eight hours of sleep.

And she woke up with "terrible indigestion"- so bad she considered calling in sick for work.

Her Dad lectured her about caffeine. I sent her a text with a clickable link to the National Foundation on Sleep 's page on Sleep Hygiene. All I added for a title was "have you ever heard of this?"

RGG, wondering if your son could have developed diabetes?

thursday

[radioguitarguy]

radioguitarguy-

Well that all sounds pretty scary. Curious to hear what might be the problem. Hope your son is ok (seriously, sounds like something could be a problem with his health)

Like your word "awfullizing" and can picture being a stressball wrapped in worry too.

This week my BPDSD22 had an early shift at work so, to avoid the worry of oversleeping and losing her job (she has lost a job for oversleeping before) she stayed up all night. It was a 12 hour shift she was staying up all night to avoid missing. After the 12 hour shift she went straight to her AA meeting and while out with her group for fellowship she got a Starbucks with 6 extra shots of expresso and an energy drink. She ate a huge platter of fried foods as well.

Then she went to bed for twelve hours or so just in time to get up for her next shift. She reports that she had trouble sleeping and only really got about eight hours of sleep.

And she woke up with "terrible indigestion"- so bad she considered calling in sick for work.

Her Dad lectured her about caffeine. I sent her a text with a clickable link to the National Foundation on Sleep 's page on Sleep Hygiene. All I added for a title was "have you ever heard of this?"

RGG, wondering if your son could have developed diabetes?

thursday

Hi Thursday!

A huge plate of fried foods can certainly bring on some hideous indigestion! Sometimes don't you feel like our ds's and dd's create their own problems? Case in point... .the discussion with our 29ds about his dirty feet. In his own mind, they are his feet, and if he doesn't want to keep them clean, it's nobody's business. How in God's name can you make an argument about basic hygiene 101 when a person thinks like that?

Getting back to our ds's health issues... .he spent 5 hours in the ER last night. He has severe sleep apnea and is not getting enough oxygen... .he had a cpap machine but wouldn't use it... .said it was too uncomfortable. They gave him prescriptions for an inhaler and some other drugs to help with his breathing. They did some blood work but he was negative for diabetes. Here are the problems... .he's incredibly overweight, smokes way too much, and eats crappy food... .DUH... .do you think those things might have EVERYTHING to do with his health issues? Sorry Thursday, I'm angry and frustrated. My wife's family are coming to the house today for a picnic and I'm so embarrassed by his appearance that I don't want him to come upstairs. He lives downstairs in our raised ranch. Most of his clothes have small cigarette burns. It's a lovely look!

I asked one of my best friends, who's a successful business owner in the community and a good friend of the family, what he thought of all this. He knows our ds very well and likes him. My buddy looked at me and said, "What does he want?" He said once that's established, have him write down the different steps to achieve his goals and then act on them. Man, I wish it were that simple. Obviously he's never lived with a borderline.

This brings me back to my never ending question that I can't seem to get an answer to... .Can our dd's and ds's survive without us? Thanks for letting me vent Thursday. It seems that's all I can do these days.

RGG

[lbjnltx]

This brings me back to my never ending question that I can't seem to get an answer to... .Can our dd's and ds's survive without us?

RGG

Yes, when they must.

There is a delicate balance between supporting and enabling,  If they don't have to be resourceful because we provide them with resources then they will not be resourceful.

One of the key points we need to learn as parents... .Don't protect them from the natural consequences of their choices... .in other words... .let them learn.

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