Son's father; BPD and controlling. HELP.

[Stuffie]

I don't really know how to handle this. My son's father and I have a custody agreement and he finds ways to use this to control me. Every single time we talk about pick up and drop offs he will tell me that I am responsible for doing both, even though the paper work states otherwise. If I refuse to do both then he will just not see his son, which will inevitably throw off whatever I have planned for the day and my ex knows this. If I am even a minute late for pick up then he takes our son and gives him to a sitter and he refuses to tell me who the sitter is. I'm not allowed to pick up my son until my ex gets back from whatever he is doing with whomever he is with and then he picks up our boy then allows me to come get him. Never mind that he is ALWAYS late for pick ups whenever he does come to get our son.

I'm in tears right now from not being able to get my son. I was literally 5 minutes late getting to my ex and he is refusing to tell me where my child is. I'm beside myself. I can't seem to break his control. What do I do? Do I just accept it? Do I stop letting my child go to his father's? Do I act like it doesn't phase me? Help!

[Free One]

No, you don't just accept this. You said there are guidelines as to who does pick up and drop offs in your paperwork? Stick to this. As part of my paperwork, there are general guidelines, made by the state that are part of every agreement dictating that pick up/drop off within 10 minutes of the time is acceptable. Is there wording as such in yours? If you are only a few minutes late and he has sent the child somewhere during your time, you may have legal cause to involve the police for withholding custody. Check with officials in your area regarding the laws on this.

It's scary to set boundaries, but you have a RIGHT to. He doesn't get to dictate the rules - that is what your agreement is for. IF he doesn't want to follow it, you may have to take legal action to enforce it. I would start with sending ex an email stating something like:

"I know in the past I have agreed to child exchanges that differed from what our parenting agreement states. I will no longer be doing that. As of today I will now follow the plan as written. I will have child ready to you to pick up at (whatever time agreement states) at (whatever place agreement states) on (whatever date next exchange is set for). I will pick child up from you at (whatever time agreement states) at (whatever place agreement states) on (whatever date next exchange is set for)."

Then, stick to it. There is bound to be some fallout, but being prepared for that helps. Know you rights. Read through your agreement carefully and follow it.

[david]

Also, document , document , document. This will come in handy down the road. Times, dates , and what happened. NO emotions just facts.

[Stuffie]

Thank you! This is very reassuring. I feel like everyone expects me to just ignore his behavior and not react at all but I can't do that when my son's safety could be in question. It's frustrating.

[momtara]

I'm sorry this is happening.  My soon to be ex does similar things.  He shouldn't be allowed to keep controlling you and driving you crazy (but I know how hard it is).  And there is no time in which you should not know where your son is!

Can you do some consultations with local lawyers or go on avvo?  No reason to waste money in court over one incident, but if you can document several, maybe you can get more parenting time. 

he is being really mean, but it's not very surprising.  How much visitation does he get?

[momtara]

Also, maybe you can get something in your agreement saying he has to tell you who the sitter is.  Also, right of first refusal. 

Cops could get involved as well if you go to get your son and he won't tell you where he is - maybe.  I'd ask a lawyer first.

[david]

I actually have a video camera with me at all times. When I pick the boys up I turn it on a few blocks before I get there. I show my cell phone (time and date) and then I show the location. I then put it on my dash and point it at myself. I arive and call ex's cell. The court order says once her voicemail picks up I am to hang up. The boys should be out within ten minutes. They get in the car and we drive away. I turn it off shortly after. I can download it on my home computer. The ten minute widow has oftentimes not occured but I let it slide since it is a minor annoyance. When ex picks the boys up they are out within five minutes. Ex has been late for pickups 99% of the time. Anywhere from 35 minutes up to 2 hours. The boys actually joke about it. They started a game of over and under. Ex- mom's supposed to be here at 9 am, will she get here before 9:30 or after. They bet pieces of candy. I stay out of it.

[livednlearned]

Hi ahobson,

Maybe one of the moderators can move this thread to the Family Law board? You may get advice both for the legal and psychological aspect of your situation.

How old is your son? What is your custody agreement? Sorry for all the questions -- also wondering if you have first rights of refusal in your agreement?

Legally: Document what he is doing. For example, if you show up 5 minutes late, and your ex has taken your son to a sitter, send an email from your phone (if you have that kind of phone) asking him where your son is -- so there is a timestamp. Every time your ex does something like that, you need to document it. I would also create a spreadsheet with dates and times, and a column for what the incident was. You have to demonstrate that there is a pattern.

Then, at some point, file a motion for contempt of court. It's unfortunate that we have to do this, but when we don't, it takes all the teeth out of those court documents -- we really need those teeth! My experience is that the BPD behavior gets worse, not better. At some point, file a motion for contempt of court to create your own track record with the courts to show that your ex is rigid, contemptuous of the agreement, and keeping your son from you. 

[momtara]

If your intent is to make things stable for the boys and not disruptive, then a court should see that and make your agreement more specific.  So document (not just with tapes) and talk to some lawyers.  You can't keep going to court for every little thing, but maybe a lawyer letter with lots of specifics will help set the stage.

[Stuffie]

Hi ahobson,

Maybe one of the moderators can move this thread to the Family Law board? You may get advice both for the legal and psychological aspect of your situation.

How old is your son? What is your custody agreement? Sorry for all the questions -- also wondering if you have first rights of refusal in your agreement?

Legally: Document what he is doing. For example, if you show up 5 minutes late, and your ex has taken your son to a sitter, send an email from your phone (if you have that kind of phone) asking him where your son is -- so there is a timestamp. Every time your ex does something like that, you need to document it. I would also create a spreadsheet with dates and times, and a column for what the incident was. You have to demonstrate that there is a pattern.

Then, at some point, file a motion for contempt of court. It's unfortunate that we have to do this, but when we don't, it takes all the teeth out of those court documents -- we really need those teeth! My experience is that the BPD behavior gets worse, not better. At some point, file a motion for contempt of court to create your own track record with the courts to show that your ex is rigid, contemptuous of the agreement, and keeping your son from you. 

My son just turned 1 last month. Our plan is graduated with age since my ex wasn't involved for the first 6 months. Until November, he takes him for four hours during the week and then six hours every other Saturday. He berates me if I'm late but this past weekend when I went for pick up, he was over 15 minutes late, refused to answer the phone and kept sending text messages eluding that I would never see my child again. It was all a ploy to upset me and it worked. I was anxious and terrified when he did show up with my baby.


Once Nov. hits then he will be taking him overnight every other Saturday and one day during the week for a few hours. As it is, I have told him that he may take him more if he wants him since I work 50 hours a week most of the time. He rarely takes advantage of that.


He sent me an email this past week because he is convinced that I'm keeping things from him intentionally. Our order states that I am to keep health insurance on our son just because I'm the only one that has a stable career. I was recently moved to a different section of my company and promoted. This took me out of my contract job and put me on with one of my clients indefinitely. I have to work 6 months of probation before I am allowed health insurance with my company. During this time, I have been using COBRA. Ex has all that info but his email, which CC'd his attorney, demanded that I tell him the truth about our son's health insurance and that if I refused then he would seek legal action. Eye roll. This is my life .

[momtara]

Mine too.  Apparently, false claims of withholding info are common from these guys.  My husband makes false claims of withholding all the time.  I think maybe it helps him explain why he is not more involved.  Needs to do it for control.

Ahobson, you wrote:  "He was over 15 minutes late, refused to answer the phone and kept sending text messages eluding that I would never see my child again. It was all a ploy to upset me and it worked. I was anxious and terrified when he did show up with my baby."

The texts seem alarming.  Is this something a court would take seriously so that he isn't allowed to have overnights?  Have you asked a lawyer?  Those texts would scare me too.

I think my hubby is capable of hurting or stealing our kids, but since it's not more than a hunch and some minor incidents, I am told there's little I can do.  Courts want both parents involved.  But I will just have to be vigilant. 

[momtara]

Can you get a restraining order based on those texts?

Do you think he might actually do any of that?

[Stuffie]

Mine too.  Apparently, false claims of withholding info are common from these guys.  My husband makes false claims of withholding all the time.  I think maybe it helps him explain why he is not more involved.  Needs to do it for control.

Ahobson, you wrote:  "He was over 15 minutes late, refused to answer the phone and kept sending text messages eluding that I would never see my child again. It was all a ploy to upset me and it worked. I was anxious and terrified when he did show up with my baby."

The texts seem alarming.  Is this something a court would take seriously so that he isn't allowed to have overnights?  Have you asked a lawyer?  Those texts would scare me too.

I think my hubby is capable of hurting or stealing our kids, but since it's not more than a hunch and some minor incidents, I am told there's little I can do.  Courts want both parents involved.  But I will just have to be vigilant. 

I have talked to my lawyer about it but I've realized that the legal system is basically all for show nowadays. The only way that those texts will become substantial is AFTER he has made some kind of physical action. The court views it as just a highly emotional situation and that my ex was speaking out of anger and frustration. It's so disheartening.

[Cmjo]

I am so sorry to hear the anguish you are going through, I have been through this for a year after leaving my uBPDex although my two kds are older, 10, and 11. Mine is so angry I dared to leave, he is creating havoc whereever possible, causing psychological torture to me and his his kids, even though they always want to forgive him or explain or excuse his behaviour. He is a loving parent most of the time, but he is not a mature and responsible parent and if he is triggered will curse and blashpheme and says vile and abusive stuff even to them.

Everyone deals with the fallout at their own pace and in their own style, I find here that most people say enough is enough go to court, but I am a lawyer myself and am doing everything to avoid it!

My last resort will be to write a parenting plan and send it to him. He probably wont answer my email at all but will maybe comply with it, grudgingly, telling the kids that these are mummy's "orders" and he is just treated like the babysitter or the dog.

But its not just a parenting plan and a court order that is going to help, if I really want to help the kids see their Dad stabilise, I want to find a way of getting him into treatment, otherwise I dont want them to stay with him too often and witness these scenes. A court action would send him off the rails, but once he has had another extinction burst he might finally se sense as he does have many lucid moments, and at least have a try at cognitive therapy. Great. But why is all the burden on me to help him with this?  I have no energy left.

[livednlearned]

I have talked to my lawyer about it but I've realized that the legal system is basically all for show nowadays. The only way that those texts will become substantial is AFTER he has made some kind of physical action. The court views it as just a highly emotional situation and that my ex was speaking out of anger and frustration. It's so disheartening.

I understand what you're saying, but don't let your cynicism prevent you from doing something that will help your case. I learned how important it is to think strategically about my case. A lot of people think about each hearing or motion or trial as a decisive moment, but that thinking can lead to cynicism. It's very hard for judges/courts to make sense of human conflict, so they follow technical rules that can seem baffling to us. Not saying that you won't encounter an unfair ruling or a bad judge, just that the system is hard because the task is hard, and the law is a blunt instrument.

I had a really good lawyer who had a strategy and I got excellent advice here on bpdfamily.com, and it really made a difference.

[momtara]

"I am a lawyer myself and am doing everything to avoid it!"

CMJO, why?  Because I avoided court too, and got a good parenting plan, but I keep worrying that by not asking for a psych eval, GAL, and other stuff, it will hurt later now that STBX is going nuts.

As for the original post, I think not letting you know where your son is, is beyond the pale.

[momtara]

Some states make it easier to get a restraining order based on harassment.  Depends where you are.

[Cmjo]

"I am a lawyer myself and am doing everything to avoid it!"

CMJO, why?  Because I avoided court too, and got a good parenting plan, but I keep worrying that by not asking for a psych eval, GAL, and other stuff, it will hurt later now that STBX is going nuts.

Lots of reasons. First I live in Italy not in the States. Court proceedings take years and are very expensive. Because my exBPDh is adored by his children, most of the time he is a kind and playful Dad, and is very present in their lives, the risk of a psych evaluation would seriously jeopardise his work, Bpd Is virtually unheard of here. Because me playing the lawyer card would sent him over the edge, and I need to end the conflict for my own mental state. Because if I can learn enough here about how to deal with him, even bring out the best in him, it could be possible that we can work out an agreement together. At the moment he is so fixated on my having abandoned him he cant put the kids first. But I do everything to keep him as big a part of their life as he was before, they are 10 and 12 now and learning to deal with his behaviour. Plus my new home is about 5 mins walk from him... .

But I think every single day whether I am coping... .the next card up my sleeve will be a letter from "my lawyer"!

[momtara]

Clearly you are doing an excellent job.

I don't think things are much better in the US.