relieved, lost and sad: so much invalidation

[rise_up]

I called my uBPDmom on her birthday a few weeks ago who lives overseas. She actually sounded human to me and I began to miss her. She and my dad have been obsessing about me coming back to visit for a few months now. Visiting them has never been an issue until I came out as a lesbian to them in May and things just exploded... .i realized from my mom's reaction that she has strong waif-like BPD traits.

i do speaking engagements often and my mom wants to 'lure' me for a visit by putting together an event for me to speak at (in 2 weeks).

During the phone call for her birthday, she asked me: is there any hope of you coming to visit? i said i know you want me to come, but its unrealistic for me since i have a full time job with little vacation time saved up. i thought she received it well and since then Ive felt a weird sense of calm in me. But then the other shoe dropped last week.

she sent me an email with the event flyer and it had my name on it!

i called her and said: i cannot make it to your event. i have to get my passport renewed anyway and ive sent it to get processed. it will take at least 8 weeks.

and that's when things began to unravel.

she began saying:

I'm terribly disappointed. Why didnt you make plans to get your passport renewed earlier? You knew this event is coming soon. I made all these plans and its going to be very embarassing for me and your father to cancel it.

me: im sorry that you're disappointed.

uBPDmom: i dont think you are... .

me: i shared with you that i cannot take time off anyway.

uBPDmom: i'm so disappointed. you're drifting so far away from me. you never talk to me anymore. im scared to tell you anything because you will just stop talking for weeks and dont skype.

me: when i get interrupted and talked over and not listened to, it gets very difficult for me to communicate with you.

uBPDmom: everyone has arguments. that doesnt mean you should stop talking. i want to tell you all my problems and tell you a million things and i have no one to talk to. i am going through the most unbearable pain any human being can go through. i just want you to know that. i dont think you even care that im close to a mental breakdown. i dont think you even care how much your father and i are suffering. what did i do wrong? why is god punishing me?

the conversation continued into silence. and she said: anyway, lets hope for the best.

a few days later she texts me: please send me the tracking number of your passport renewal as soon as you get it. ive talked to some officials (my parents are very well connected) and they are waiting to expedite your passport renewal.


unbelievable. she wants to control it all. she assumes that i will silently oblige her and willingly get on that plane and come to her event and save her the embarassment. i replied saying i dont have the tracking information.

my feelings and reactions to this are mixed:

i'm relieved: because everything ive read about BPD and waif behavior and enmeshment are being confirmed.

i'm lost: i don't know what to do because i don't think she has the slightest clue what's happening. she probably doesnt know what enmeshment means and if she did, she would think it's a good thing.

i'm sad: because this is really unfair and everything that comes out of her mouth is so invalidating.


i'm very sad.

[louise 716]

I am sorry you are sad.

Wow. I'm impressed. I think you did a great job on your end of the conversation.

It sure is amazing how controlling your mom is ... .Making the brochure with your name already printed in it is a very bold and assuming move on her part.

I can see why you would be sad ... .You feel her behavior invalidates you, but at the same time she is validating what you have discovered about BPD.

IMHO, BPD is a horrible and serious mental health issue deeply effecting so many people in their lives ... .Kind of tentacles.

So, What do you think you are going to do? To go or not to go. That is the question.