Did BPDw every truly love me? Or was it co-dependence?

[HopefulDad]

As I struggle with the decision to stay or leave, one thing I think about a lot is if my BPDw every truly loved me.  Did she want to be with me... .or did she need to be with me?  As I look back on our entire relationship, including dating, I believe the BPD was always there.  I just notice it more now because there are a lot more triggers (she's SAHM to our 3 young children, my advancement in career has meant more work hours... .puts a lot more on her plate to handle, plus lots of sacrifices in terms of personal and couples time).  So if it was always there, isn't a central part our our relationship based on a disorder rather than an independent choice to love?

Any thoughts on this?  I can't be the only one who wonders about this.

[Surnia]

I can relate about your question - in the same time a very difficult to answer.

My personal opinion is that "true love" is not the reality or only for short intense moments - for all human beings. There are always elements of imperfection mixed in it. We love what we see in someone else or bc of co-dependency or bc the other person is similar or the complete opposite of our father/mother and many other reasons.

Its not easy to realize this in introspection of ourselves. Even more difficult to say this about someone else... .

So one question for you could be: What is adult/healthy love for you and in which moments you are missing it?

Hope this helps a little bit.

[nevermore]

 

[lonelyh1]

  I have recently found out about BPD.   

Yes. I have a lot of uncertainty as to whether my UBPDw really loves me or whether she ever really loved me.  She refused to speak to me on my engagement day.  Yes the whole day. We had a huge function and got engaged with 300 hundred guest.  Because she was mad that I could not afford to pay for a fancy car to get her to the venue.

There are days when she is really loving, but she never fails to miss a moment to put me down.  Even when I am trying to be helpful and supportive. 

I am also trying to figure out what to do next.

[HopefulDad]

Thanks for all of the replies.  I'm starting to think that while "the answer" would be nice, ultimately it doesn't matter.  Instead, what I would hope to see is:

- My BPDw decides she loves herself (I think she's a tortured soul damaged by her childhood)

- My BPDw realizes that something is "off" about her (she emailed me this yesterday that her recent behavior was bad)

- My BPDw decides to explore why she behaves like this (she made an appointment with her therapist for next week*)

- My BPDw takes any BPD diagnosis to heart and allows herself to be vulnerable and humble to seek help

- My BPDw starts reflecting on her own if she ever truly loved me... .and decides one way or the other

I know a lot of this could be a pipedream, but instead of dwelling on the past, I think it's better to look forward.

* She has steadfastly refused any therapy for months, so her making this appointment without any prompting by me gives me hope.