Is it a power struggle?

[Tessaking]

Hi all, I just wondered if power is important to a BPD? Do they need to feel in control and if they feel like you have the control, will they do anything to get that control back? Maybe this is how recycling happens?

T x

[nevaeh]

My H would say that I have control over every aspect of our relationship. 

I would disagree and say that it's the other way around.

Who's right?  Maybe whoever desires to have the most control is the one who is "right"? 

H says that I control everything and that he just waits to get his orders and then does what he needs to do.  I actually never nag him about anything, never ASK him to do anything and never ask him why something isn't done.  I think the reason he believes I have control over him is, in part, that he mirrors me and bases his behavior a lot on what he sees me doing or asking me what he should do?  Not because I care or really have any influence on him, but really just because he doesn't always seem to know HOW he should behave, or what he should say, or what he should do.  Typical response from him when we are having a deep discussion about our relationship... ."what do YOU WANT me to say/do?"  I tell him I want him to respond how he feels, but realizing that he doesn't really know how he feels.  It's frustrating because you never feel like you know who he really is, but he doesn't really know either so that has to be hard from their side as well. 

Back to your question about power.  At least in my case I'm not sure my H would admit (or realize) that he has a need to be in control.  I can see it as plain as day, but just don't think he's capable of seeing that he "needs" it, nor that he actually "has" control.  Yet, there is a power struggle that seems to go on all the time.  I admit that I also like to have some semblance of control over my every day life but don't knock people down or insult them to gain that control. 

[Clearmind]

Tess, yes for me it was a power struggle - however not just on the part of my ex. I would also fight back - we competed for who was right... .this leads to conflict. Conflict takes two - one to initiate and one to trying to be right.

You will see over to the right the Choosing a Path link - we need to stop the bleeding and see where we contribute to this power struggle.

[popeye6031]

I would have to agree that they need control.  My gf is constantly trying to control my every move.  Always needing to know what I am doing, who I am with and where I am.  Every time I try to reinforce boundaries, I am accused of pushing her away and then she looks elsewhere for attention.  When I threaten to break up, she says she will try to stick to the boundaries, but it never lasts and within days weeks, the control sneaks back in.  I have given my last ultimatum on it just today, writing everything I need to change in an email.  I am not too hopeful it will last.

[O.Hi]

For the most part, everyone wants to feel in control of their life.

People with BPD innately have less control over their emotions. They see you as the cause of some or all of their pain, so they try to get control of you to get control of themselves. You aren't the source of their pain, so it doesn't work. You lose some control of your life which causes resentment. You partner senses the resentment and it serves as fuel for the power struggle cycle.

[Herculite]

I would agree that power is a big issue whe dealing with a BPD. The part I struggled with is how to you keep your boundaries. Everthing I read , and then tried never worked.

Initially, I never argued and said very little. Just to avoid confrontation. Apparantly , I've been told this is enabling. She would get aggressive anyway demanding me to give her an answer. Regardless of my response, she would criticize.

So I tried even harder to be rational in our conversations. When I thought she was being unreasonably controlling/demanding, I would try to discuss my point of view with her. Just more aggression from her.

To this day, I could never make any positive progress.

For me, I reached a point where I had to walk.

[nevaeh]

I would agree that power is a big issue whe dealing with a BPD. The part I struggled with is how to you keep your boundaries. Everthing I read , and then tried never worked.

Initially, I never argued and said very little. Just to avoid confrontation. Apparantly , I've been told this is enabling. She would get aggressive anyway demanding me to give her an answer. Regardless of my response, she would criticize.

So I tried even harder to be rational in our conversations. When I thought she was being unreasonably controlling/demanding, I would try to discuss my point of view with her. Just more aggression from her.

To this day, I could never make any positive progress.

For me, I reached a point where I had to walk.

In the beginning I handled our conversations like a "normal" person would, but over the years I learned that it was just easier to keep quiet to avoid confrontation.  Also, when H gets really mad and starts throwing/breaking things I used to go around behind him and pick things up so he "didn't have to face what he did"... .I think I was fearful that he would get mad again if he had to pick up after himself.  I think back to all of the times I did that and I cringe because I became a big-time enabler.  I don't think I am that bad anymore but I know I still enable him to be the way he is.  The thing for me is that what we do (or don't do) might be considered "enabling behavior", I also believe that it is self-preservation and that our partners have taught/caused us to engage in that behavior because of their control. 

And trying to be rational in conversations... .not going to happen.  If I have a viewpoint that is in any way in conflict with H's viewpoint, I will get squashed as soon as I try to explain my POV.  And if I continue to explain my POV it is greeted with aggression as well.  The more I explain the more aggression I receive.  When I would eventually give in I would become resentful because I felt like it just made him more emboldened with his viewpoints.  So, I don't engage in conversations with H that much unless they are about mundane, unimportant things.  I plan on leaving H as well, but am not quite there yet.  I have no hopes that things will change between us.  Maybe H could meet someone else and the dynamic between the two of them could be different but it is just not going to happen with us.