kids

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

New member here, this is my second post.  My wife of almost 10 years has BPD.  for the most part she seems to take it out on me.  My son is 5 and am afraid that if I leave she will take out her anger on him, I am a big boy and can handle it, but it will not happen to my son.  I am fine being the whipping boy to an extent, as she hasn't gotten physical for some time, but at one point it was pretty bad. She threw an electric heater in the shower with me.  does one with BPD generally lash out at many people or do they just pick 1.  I have very little information as she burned my walking on eggshells book, she was getting help but quit.  I do not know if I can do this much longer. 

[sparkiejd]

New member here, this is my second post.  My wife of almost 10 years has BPD.  for the most part she seems to take it out on me.  My son is 5 and am afraid that if I leave she will take out her anger on him, I am a big boy and can handle it, but it will not happen to my son.  I am fine being the whipping boy to an extent, as she hasn't gotten physical for some time, but at one point it was pretty bad. She threw an electric heater in the shower with me.  does one with BPD generally lash out at many people or do they just pick 1.  I have very little information as she burned my walking on eggshells book, she was getting help but quit.  I do not know if I can do this much longer. 

[maxsterling]

I'd certainly be scared.  Throwing an electric device into the shower with someone could KILL you.  My dBPDgf tends to lash out at everyone, not just me.  Co-workers, family, friends - everyone.  She is a teacher, and she has told me she has yelled at students before.  I think your child's well being should be a big concern, but that doesn't mean you have to take the abuse, too.

[sparkiejd]

as an electrician I am fully aware of the consequences of my body coming between a conductor and ground, any advice on how not to take the abuse, I know how I would like to handle it, but I would end up in Jail.

[Waddams]

The best defense for yourself is to not be around her.  I understand the issue with the kids though.

Are in any kind of counseling?

[sparkiejd]

She was in counseling for about 6 sessions.  and a few years ago we went to a marriage counseling once and that didn't go well.  I probably could use some, but as the sole provider, I have very little time.  I am OK I just worry about what might be with my son.  I know she treats him with love.  I get to be the disciplinarian, and she gets to coddle him.  I believe she tries to use her relationship with him against me.  Not that I don't have a great relationship with my boy, I am just the one who sets the limits, and mom gets to be the fun one who breaks them.

[maxsterling]

I can only speak for myself and what I would do personally if I was in your situation.  My dBPDgf has punched me before, hard enough to leave bruises.  And she accused me of trying to choke her, but that was only to threaten me against calling the police after she raged at me and punched me.  She's drained my financial resources. But I haven't truly felt like my life or well being was threatened.  If she was to come at me with a weapon, or take a deliberate action that any intelligent adult would know is life-threatening - that would be it.  I would look at throwing an electrical device into the shower with me as attempted murder.  I would document all of her behavior - dates, times, recordings, emails, etc.  Then I would move out, take my kid, file for divorce and full custody.  If at that point she decided to get help for herself - fine - she needs to do that on her own, and then I *may* consider reconciling.  But thankfully, I still feel like things are workable now as I feel like I have options, and that is why I am posting to the undecided board.  Any life threatening rage would be an immediate deal breaker.

[sparkiejd]

The heater incident happened before my son was born.  I moved out, but when our garage burned down I ended up coming back and pregnant shortly thereafter.  Her violence has lessened the last few years, partially at my insistence.  I have not decided to leave yet, I am fairly stubborn.  I had a notebook with dates, times, etc.  She found it and it got lost.  I have to start over.  I now keep my documentation at work.

[committed]

My guess is that she will start showing her BPD side toward your son as she starts getting older and gaining more independence from his mother. Instead of recognizing this as a normal part of growing up, she may view this as a form of abandonment and then push him away. When your son is old enough and you feel he is capable of understanding I would begin having conversations with him about his mom... .not conversations that make her look bad, but discussions where you explain that she has an illness and feels specific way (use examples that he sees), making sure he doesn't view her as a bad person, but as a person who can't always control the way she feels and acts due to the illness. Right now it is important for your son to feel loved and feel he can count on you no matter what. As he grows up, he'll make up his own mind about what he feels about his mother.

I would document things in case the time comes where you might have to make a move as it will help when it comes to custody issues with your son.

[hergestridge]

I am in a similiar situation to yours (no attemted murder though - god forbid!). One of my main reasons for staying is that I'm worried for how my BPD wife would treat our daughter (now three) if she was to take care of her on her own.

Here's my story:

What I did was that I told my wife that she needed to seek help for her inability to control her anger, otherwise we would have serious problem. She did so, and got in touch with a therapist who specializes in parenting issues for people with BPD. I got to come with her for a few sessions. Of course she tried to tone down her problems, but I did not beat around the bush and told it pretty much as it is. The T was very straightforward and told my wife that as a therapist she has to let the authorities know if a child's health is in danger and that some of the things my wife put our daughter through bordered on abuse.

If the T hadn't used the "threats" that she did, I'm sure my wife would have talked her way out of the situation, but now there was no turning back. The last thing the therapist said to me (as the "non" as I left the session was "you have my number". My wife now realizes that if she doesn't shape up and does her best to become a better parent then she might very well end up losing custody of her daughter, which is the last thing she wants.

This is what it took. When I told her she couldn't scream, shout and curse she just thought I was goody two shoes and out go get her. Her standard for parenting sank for every day as her mood sank and ___ me for pointing that out and for making her feel bad. I don't know... .I don't like outside intervention in family matters, but that's what I had to do. Had I just threw her out then she would have had half custody and that would have been a mess.

[sparkiejd]

Thanks all

It is good to know that I am not crazy, and that others have gone through similar trials.