I was told that I may be charged with conspiracy

[peaceplease]

I took my uBPDd to Walmart to buy some home blinds for her new home.  Her friend thaIt t was helping her paint came with us.  For the life of me, I don't know why this kid is hanging with my dd.  He is 19, and she is 29.  I don't think that he is interested in her because he seems somewhat on the feminine side.  I thought that it was weird that he was always there, and my dd is so demanding.

While we are at store, we split up.  I went to toy section to look  for a birthday gift.  My uBPDd went in the grocery section.  We checked out together. 

A short while after I got home, I received a phone call from a cop.  He told me that I was spotted seen with someone that committed theft.  It was the male.  He said that I was seen on camera leaving with this guy.  He asked me who the guy is.  I told him that I only knew his first name, as he was my dd's friend.  Then cop asked why I was driving my dd's friend when I didn't even know him.  I told him that he was with my dd.  Told me that he found it hard to believe that I drove this kid home and he had toy helicopter in his pants the whole time, and I never noticed.   No, I was shocked that this even happened!  I have never been in trouble a day in my life.  Then he asked my dd's name and phone number.  And, asked me if she had any priors.  In hindsight, I should have replied that it was irrelevant.  I don't believe that my dd knew anything about this.

But, my dd is mad at me for giving the cop her phone number, as he keeps calling her.  I told her to just give him the information.  She told me that this kid was only 19.  Ummm, I don't care, you have a child.  Do you want to be in trouble, and why aren't you mad that he did this while he was with us.  I am angry that this happened while being with me.

My dd is blaming me for the cop harassing her, and I should not have given her the number.  I told her then he would have showed up, personally.  And, I don't understand why he would continue to harass her.  I think my dd is claiming that she does not know his last name.  I know that she has the "don't rat" on anyone mind.  My nephew who is a cop said that I did not have to volunteer her number.  I still say they would have showed up in person.

What blows my mind is that my dd is blaming me for giving him her phone number, as he will not quit calling her.  And, bringing up her priors and supposedly told her that he didn't believe that me or my dd did not know about the helicopter. 

Shouldn't I get an apology instead of being blamed for giving her phone number!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Shouldn't I get an apology instead of being blamed for giving her phone number!

You would think so, wouldn't you?    I think so, too... .

Did this just happen, peaceplease? Like, today/tonight? I think it's amazing that they contacted you at home and not in the parking lot; must've used your plate number to find you. Have you heard more as of yet? If my husband wasn't asleep right now (he's in law enforcement) I'd ask his opinion on all of this.

I'm sorry this has happened; after all the positive steps your daughter has been making, I hope this incident doesn't derail her in any way... .Things still are good with her: job, substance abuse under control, mostly communicating with you in a good manner... .The relationship with this 19 year old? Could be troubling; maybe his penchant for shoplifting will make her think twice about him, and she'll drop him like a hot potato, seeing that he isn't good for her in any way (whatever way he is involved with her). Do you think, once she's calmed down, she will be able to see that? He sounds like trouble... .

If this event--police calling and all--helps her see she needs to balance herself a bit more, then it will all be worth it in the end. Can you keep us updated? I hope you are able to be at peace with this eventually; you can probably get some good advice from your police officer nephew (I'm sure you've already enlisted his advice; my husband is the resident advice-giver to all of our various family members!). Good luck! Try not to let this derail the good stuff you guys have got going these days 

[qcarolr]

Peaceplease --

Remind yourself - what are your core values? It is important to be kind and strong with yourself. You were being honest and excercising integrity. Remember that your DD is resonsible for her values -- not ratting out friends even if it hurts self.

Your DD's response to police is hers to own. Seems most likely this is triggering her own sense of misjudgement about this friend. Maybe feels safer to blame you. It is hard to do but can you work to let go of any expectations you have for your DD to even understand your side of this? Maybe her sense of being harrassed by the police is distorted by her denial that this friend put her in this 'bad' place emotionally. This would all be unconscious for your D.

Focus on what you need to do to meet your needs here. Allow your DD to figure out solutions to her needs. That is no longer your job. Can you choose to let her know when it comes up again, that you cannot change what her friend did or your honest response to the police's questions. You can choose to not discuss it with your DD or anyone else. You have gathered opinions on many sides. What is your intuition about this?

qcr

[lbjnltx]

Oh peaceplease!

I'm so sorry that a potentially pleasant trip to the store turned into this unpleasant situation.

If the subject arises again (which it mostly likely will) could you discuss it with her in terms of how this affects her so that she will have the opportunity to regulate her feelings towards you?

Something like:

"I am upset that this boy has jeopardized you and gson.  I don't believe you would do that to any of your friends or to me as you are a caring person.  How can you help him understand that what he did is not ok with you?  I gave your phone number to the police officer so that you and I can be transparent and avoid criminal charges ourselves.  I do think the police officer is being over zealous though."

[peaceplease]

Thanks for all replies!

raptreader- Your dh is in law enforcement, and the go to person for law questions.  My late brother was an attorney, and I think that I needed his expert advice more for my children at times than anyone else in the family. I do miss him.  My nepehw just became a cop last year. 

My dd consulted him as soon as I phoned her.  She told me not to return any calls until she talks to him.  Meanwhile officer called again. My dd was furious that I talked to him and gave her phone number.  My dd had just paid a late fine and wanted to check there was no warrant for her.  I told her that I have the copies that it was paid, so no worries. 

Unfortunately, my dd has retail theft in her criminal history.  In 2007, she was charged with retail theft.  In hindsight, I realized that her criminal history was not relevant to yesterday.  My dd is trying to do better.  I believe that this officer may have been insinuating that my dd's past behavior may be resurfacing.  I told the cop that I believe that my dd knew nothing.  I am just dumbfounded as I would think that soemone shoplifting would be in a hurry to leave. 

qcr -  Yes, I need to let go of my expectations of my dd to see my side.  I know that my dd has accused me for being too honest and give too much information at times. 

I just hope that this kid will plead guilty so my dd will not have to be subpoened to court.  Perhaps, I will be, too.  Who knew that I was driving a get away car! 

I know that my dd has tremendous fears of this certain regional police dept. 

Oops, I must run!  Will continue later... .

[peaceplease]

Okay, back already.  I thought that I was playing beat the clock to take my dd to clinic.  I forgot that she did not have to go today, as she had take home bottle privilieges.  One of the blessings that I am not used to yet!

qcr - Yes,  honesty is one of my core values.  I feel extremely uncomfortable when I am not being honest.  Perhaps, my dd has a fear of retaliation or label on the street.  I have no "street mentality", nor do I care to ever learn about it.  I respond with what I know, and I guess my values. 

I was commenting to my dh, that I don't understand why this kid would be helping, or hanging around my dd.  I know that my dd would supply him with cigs, and I hope that is the only reason.

I must reiterate the wise comments of qcr.  To let go of my expectations of my dd understanding my responses. 

lbj -  I like that telling my dd that I understand that she would not place anyone in that situation, as she is a caring person.  My dd did tell me later last night, after I posted, that she was more mad at him for placing me in the situation, than placing her in suspicions of conspiracy.  I think that she would be highly upset, as I am not going to lie for anyone.  So, this incident placed my dd in jeopardy. As I am not "street smart" and will be upfront.

I will not bring topic up.  I will wait for her.  I sure hope that she will not allow him over her house to help her, today.  I know that she was depending on him to help with her move.  My dh is furious that dd has friends that would do this while she was with them.  I am quite certain that my dd was not aware of it, and my dh believes that, too.  However, my dd has some questionable aquaintances.  I would have to call this kid that, and not a friend.  He is only 19.  I don't know how he became connected with my dd.  She told me that he was a friend of the neighbor's. 

[jellibeans]

peaceplease

I think if I were you I would get legal advise on how to proceed. I do think this officer is very intimadating and I am not sure her conduct is right. There are store cameras that they can look at and see you had nothing to do with the crime. I like lbj response on how to talk with your dd... .seek advise ASAP.

[brillo]

Are you sure that is an actual policeman calling you?  They don't ordinarily spend such a great deal of time on shoplifting.

I suspect it's actually the security from the store.  It wouldn't hurt to verify.  Next time he calls you or your daughter, ask him for his name and badge number.  Then call police dept and verify. 

[peaceplease]

jellibeans - Yes, I am not answering anymore calls.  They saw this kid and I walking at the same time.  I guess my dd may have exited right in front of us.  They did not see her.  Perhaps, they thought that I may involved, as this kid was looking at things in the toy dept. when I was there.  I was concentrating on looking for a gift.  I was not even paying attention to him.  I thought that he may have had a nepehew, or little cousin that he was looking for.  It just blows my mind that this kid would shoplift when he was with my dd and I.  I guess they thought I looked guilty, as I was in the toy dept.  My dd was in the grocery section.  

My dd told this kid that he needed to turn himself in, or we would be summoned to court.  And, if it would have happened a day sooner, my dd would be in jail for a warrant for being delinquent with her fine.  She had just got caught up paying it the day before.  

brillo - I knew it was police, as I have caller ID.  And, he was in the middle of leaving a message on the answering machine telling me to call the police dept.  It does sound so bizarre, though.  They got my phone number from tracking my plate.  It is not like we sped out of there.  They had plenty of time to apprehend this boy! 

This whole incident is so crazy.  My dd was worried her fine payment may not be recorded, yet.  And, she told me for future reference to call my nepehw before replying.  Yeah, future reference?

[jellibeans]

peaceplease... .this is just a crazy story... .why would an 18 year old need and toy helicopter?Could it be a maturity thing... .your dd has a friend a lot younger than her? He seems to have his own issues... .I hope this works out for all involved... .