Found Some of Her old Journal Notes

[Turkish]

Along with a really nasty note she left me two years ago (which I had kept), I found a few notes from two years ago poking around on our computer. Two of them sound almost suicidal. Typical BPD stuff like she can't control herself or her emotions, wish she would not feel this way, and so on. One in the same year, she completely idealized me, called me "The One [she could finally be with]," etc... .Very jarring to me to read these things. If it weren't for our kids, whom she says publicly "keep her together" and has said privately to herself "keep her here [on Earth]", I think she would be a suicide risk. It still might come to that, not sure. Have to keep an eye on it from afar for our children, and her family, who know about her depression, but don't know what is really going on, and they aren't going to hear it from me. They like me a lot, but I will always be walking on eggshells around them because even though she frustrates them, she is still blood. Or at least I will keep having to tap dancing around certain things. Not possible to disengage from them because of our children.

I have another session with our therapist, and will share what I found. If only I had been more serious about seeking help for her then... .The only thing I did do is have her come out to her family about her depression because I saw her behavior was hurting them. But that wasn't it, so much as the BPD. One of her notes accused me of acting like nothing was wrong, and then only asking what was wrong after it was too late. Of course I shut down in the face of an angry and depressed woman, a survival mechanism due to growing up with a nonBPD, but severely depressed mother, but she could never understand that.

Last night I caught her looking at some video on x number of things men don't understand about woman. sigh I can look forward to a lot of future deprogramming I will have to perform on our daughter! Sorry, honey, but that ain't it.