My uBPDh, who never goes out with friends, went out on Friday night with an old friend who was in town for the weekend and stayed out all night long. I woke up suddenly at 5:30 a.m. and realized he wasn't home. I texted and called him. My text woke him up on his friend's couch, and he came home.
Yes, I was angry, suspicious, upset. But nothing near what I would have expected of myself. When I realized why, I was shocked. I actually
liked the leverage I thought this "bad act" might get me. I've been starting to notice lately that I'm playing his game - essentially competing with him to be the "better person." But I haven't even been trying to be a "better person" by my own standards, I've been trying to do it by his outrageously ridiculous standards. He criticizes, hints, directly says, that I am selfish and uncaring, and he points out where I go "wrong" with parenting, whether it's a legitimate criticism or not. He doesn't normally do anything overtly "bad" (judging by his own standards, which I am now realizing are the rules of our family), and I actually was
relieved that he finally had crossed
his own line!
Regarding the incident itself, we talked and I am satisfied that he didn't cheat on me and that he understands that what he did was wrong. But these revalations about myself are unsettling for me. I always thought of "fleas" as being when we nons lose control emotionally and start raging like raving lunatics. But it goes so much deeper than that. I've been playing his game and following his rules for so long that it's almost like he's inside my head. I've become this person who is living life as if it's a game to be played by his rules alone. This is a scary place to be. But I suppose it's good that I'm realizing these things.
Anyone else had the same feelings? And hopefully it was on the road to getting healthy?
Daylily
