A Cold Splash of Water in the Face can help ...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am finding that reading, responding, and sharing with you all is so helpful. Because as we read what we are writing we can step back and say "what?"

Here was my "what?" from yesterday.

I learned that exBPD married the rebound girl. After only 4 months. On the courthouse steps. Her family does not even know she has remarried.

So ... he married her Aug 30. And Sept 9 was when he started calling me, and calling me, and calling me. And just "dropped by" this morning. Good thing I live in a condo. The front desk called and I was "not home."

Anything wacky like that happen to you? Does it help you see the insanity of their action? Making it easier to go forward?

I feel embarrassed to tell my friends. Which is a very telling sign.

[Century2012]

I am finding that reading, responding, and sharing with you all is so helpful. Because as we read what we are writing we can step back and say "what?"

Here was my "what?" from yesterday.

I learned that exBPD married the rebound girl. After only 4 months. On the courthouse steps. Her family does not even know she has remarried.

So ... he married her Aug 30. And Sept 9 was when he started calling me, and calling me, and calling me. And just "dropped by" this morning. Good thing I live in a condo. The front desk called and I was "not home."

Anything wacky like that happen to you? Does it help you see the insanity of their action? Making it easier to go forward?

I feel embarrassed to tell my friends. Which is a very telling sign.

[BlackKnitLace]

I understand what you're talking about. We only just stopped living together (we didn't officially break up, as I said if she could mature and become more responsible we could talk about living together again someday, but for all intents and purposes we're broken up), but things happen once in a while that remind me why we're not together. For instance, she's been posting on all the sites she knows I frequent, making posts that I think are directed at me. For instance, she talked about being really suicidal for a while, because she know how anxious it makes me. I didn't respond to her, but I did alert our University health department, so hopefully they followed up on that.

The other thing that happen was when she told me she was going to come get her furniture, she gave me 30 minutes warning ahead of time. Thirty minutes to clean out all the drawers that I had things in (we shared her furniture), strip the bed, basically get all my things out of the house before she got there. When I told her I wouldn't be there when she got there, she acted surprised.

It does help me see the insanity of her actions a little. Unfortunately, right now, I'm still struggling to move forward.

[hopealways]

That's quite a "normal" response from your BPD ex to start calling you after getting married. See, you think he got married because he is in "love" but they are incapable of "love".  Marriage in his eyes is not the same thing that you think. It is about ego, about trapping his victim, about feeling that someone loves HIM (not him loving them).  Now that he has the new rebound girl, he will start devaluing her because the chase is over, he has eaten his prey, so it is on to you again to see if he can get a response from you and feed his ego once more.  I wish BPD would find a Narcissist, stay together and leave the rest of us alone.  BPD + Narcissists are the only relationship that will "work".

[Century2012]

Thanks hopealways ... .I did talk to him ... .and he did devalue her. Complained that she doesn't work, doesn't exercise, just sits around the house waiting on him. Which are all true. But if one has issues with those things, no need to run to the courthouse.

Part of me feels like, oh ... .ouch ... .she is going to be so hurt.

Then I think, well maybe she is the best personality for him.

Then I saw her mug shot. For meth ... .

Lovely ... .

[hopealways]

How did I know? BPD patterns are so darn predictable.  Don't think they leave you for someone "better". It's never about that. It's about who can fill THEIR needs. They are selfish creatures.  Their needs could be financial, emotional, egotistical whatever. But real adult relationships are about love. Period. They are not a transaction or arrangement which is precisely what the BPD looks at them as: "what can I get out of this... .what can they do for ME". 

Be happy, very very happy, that you are out of it. Trust me, you will be so much better and stronger than you have ever been if you maintain no contact, allow yourself to feel the pain, and allow time to heal everything.

[blurry]

 I got marred to mine in mid july and she was gone 3 weeks later, asking her ex to let her move back in the very night she left me. He said no, from what I gather, but that was almost two months ago and I've since moved far away and have had no update. Hope he didn't cave under her pressure yet. If he did, it effectively puts my relationship with my BPD to an end because I can't have her with another guy again, especially since we got married now.

Two weeks NC now and I'm feeling weak, was about to email her but logged on here instead, and gotta go to work soon. Should be able to continue NC now. This site really helps as a reminder when I need it.

Guess I'm still just scared that ill never feel so strongly about someone ever again, I guess if that's the case, there could be more important things in life to lose, gotta remember that.

[Century2012]

After a day of reflection, here are my thoughts. Hope they are helpful.

Rebound girl/new wife showed up un-announced yesterday to get his last box of "stuff." (I left it at the front desk of my condo building.)

She had texted me over 100 times Saturday about her drug problems and loser ex-es ... .on and on.

The point is that I realize she is more messed up than he is. He (exBPD) might actually be the victim here. exBPD has DVT (blood clots ... .7 in his lungs).

She is not working. Not looking for a job. And tells me that they are broke and when they do finally get money they will use it to hire an attorney to get her kids back. (She has had court-ordered no contact with her children for two years.)

He married her at the courthouse 24 hours after he left ICU last month in a "multiple person" ceremony. She has not even told her parents that she is remarried!

No wonder he made contact with me a couple weeks ago.

I found out today that "new girl" went to his mother's house and stole 9 of his mother's pain pills.

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Two weeks NC now and I'm feeling weak, was about to email her but logged on here instead, and gotta go to work soon. Should be able to continue NC now. This site really helps as a reminder when I need it.

Guess I'm still just scared that ill never feel so strongly about someone ever again, I guess if that's the case, there could be more important things in life to lose, gotta remember that.

Stay strong.

Will you ever feel so strongly about anyone ever again?

Well... .no, maybe you won't. But that could maybe be because when you fall in love healthily, when you love someone unconditionally, who loves you unconditionally, and the two of you have a srong, healthy relationship of equals, which doesn't involve any power strulles and imbalances, maybe what you have is not going to hit 11 on a scale of 1-10... .but it's also maybe never gonna hit -47 like we've all encountered here.

so instead of veering wildly between -47 and +11 on a scale of 1-to-10, maybe you get to sit between 7 and 9 out of ten.

Maybe you get to feel contentment, peace, love, joy... .

Because the more I look at what I had with my ex-bf, the more I see how much time we spent at one end or the other of a very extreme range.

Stay strong. Stay NC. Stay posting in here. xx

[Bananas]

Century,

Gosh, the situation with your ex and his new girl really sounds like a trainwreck! 

I had a similar what? in that my ex and I never officially broke-up, but he met somone new in March, moved in with her in April and married her in May.  They were also married at the courthouse, and told no one, not even his supposed best friend.

The insanity definietly helps me move forward.  My ex and I are on LC because we work together and now that I have distanced myself from him and can observe him, his behavior is just unbelievable.  Wacky is a great word for it! 

My ex doesn't try to contact me anymore as he seems to have got the message that I will ignore him unless it is work related.  He does this thing where when he sees me in the hall he starts furiously playing with his phone so he won't have to look at me.  It is so staged and so pathetic.  I have to bite my cheeks otherwise I would laugh out loud.   

[eyvindr]

blurry --

I got married to mine in mid july and she was gone 3 weeks later, asking her ex to let her move back in the very night she left me. He said no, from what I gather, but that was almost two months ago and I've since moved far away and have had no update. Hope he didn't cave under her pressure yet. If he did, it effectively puts my relationship with my BPD to an end because I can't have her with another guy again, especially since we got married now.

Two weeks NC now and I'm feeling weak, was about to email her but logged on here instead, and gotta go to work soon. Should be able to continue NC now. This site really helps as a reminder when I need it.

*ouch!* -- that totally sucks. Be glad you dodged a bullet and it ended as soon as it did, rough as that sounds. May I ask, have you filed for divorce yet?

Escaped -- another great observation:

Will you ever feel so strongly about anyone ever again?

Well... .no, maybe you won't. But that could maybe be because when you fall in love healthily, when you love someone unconditionally, who loves you unconditionally, and the two of you have a strong, healthy relationship of equals, which doesn't involve any power struglles and imbalances, maybe what you have is not going to hit 11 on a scale of 1-10... .but it's also maybe never gonna hit -47 like we've all encountered here.

so instead of veering wildly between -47 and +11 on a scale of 1-to-10, maybe you get to sit between 7 and 9 out of ten.

Maybe you get to feel contentment, peace, love, joy... .

Exactly! -- good, old-fashioned, sweet, solid consistency.

My pledge to myself is that this is what I'm holding out for.