Umpteenth Recycle

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well folks exactly 1 month into my umpteenth and most stable recycle I am nonethless exhausted, stressed, confused, anxious and generally feeling foolish.

This recycle has built in bourdaries in that she has no car, no job, lives a distance away and she has to be super careful because she is living with her ex-husband (they attempted to start over... .didn't work), and he can throw her out and probably would if he found out she was seeing me.

In the last 30 days I have probably seen her 27 of those days... .even taking her to las vegas for a short, expensive, and exhausting "vacation."

She is also in trouble with the law. She has never been arrested in her life but got in trouble and charged with serious white collar crimes. She has a good lawyer and did not have to go to jail but there is a good chance she will have to do some type of plea arrangement in the next few months. Sounds like a nightmare but she is a survivor. I was worried sick for a while but should have know she would walk and probably not go to jail, at all.

I am sucked back in. She is doing better this time, got diagnosed, got medication, but her and I have basically escaped from reality for 30 days.

I won't be able to see her for a few days because of job and financial committments but gettng sucked in has me feeling very alone and out of control.

When I try to make a list of reasons why i should be involved with this person (the pros) it is a short list... .very good looking, best sex, compatible personalities, has a good family... .and loyal when she is in a r/s... .aside from those things and the fact that I care for her and love her that is it.

The "cons" list is so long I would be beating myself up to even go down that road.

I hope to decompress a bit over the next few days away from her but right now am in withdrawls and depressed.

There is a reasonable expectation that she will have no place to live in a couple of months and I am not confident that I will turn her away if she is no my door.

I had NC from the end of Jan until my birthday at the end of this month.  Now back in the middle of it.

So this is the undecided board and I am venting here a bit.   I was living kind of a boring workaholic life for 6 months and now am in exhausting chaos.

I have not been able to get in to see my T who "graduated" me out of therapy just a couple of days before the ex-gf called me.   Will try again to get in to see the T.  

[nowwhatz]

Well folks exactly 1 month into my umpteenth and most stable recycle I am nonethless exhausted, stressed, confused, anxious and generally feeling foolish.

This recycle has built in bourdaries in that she has no car, no job, lives a distance away and she has to be super careful because she is living with her ex-husband (they attempted to start over... .didn't work), and he can throw her out and probably would if he found out she was seeing me.

In the last 30 days I have probably seen her 27 of those days... .even taking her to las vegas for a short, expensive, and exhausting "vacation."

She is also in trouble with the law. She has never been arrested in her life but got in trouble and charged with serious white collar crimes. She has a good lawyer and did not have to go to jail but there is a good chance she will have to do some type of plea arrangement in the next few months. Sounds like a nightmare but she is a survivor. I was worried sick for a while but should have know she would walk and probably not go to jail, at all.

I am sucked back in. She is doing better this time, got diagnosed, got medication, but her and I have basically escaped from reality for 30 days.

I won't be able to see her for a few days because of job and financial committments but gettng sucked in has me feeling very alone and out of control.

When I try to make a list of reasons why i should be involved with this person (the pros) it is a short list... .very good looking, best sex, compatible personalities, has a good family... .and loyal when she is in a r/s... .aside from those things and the fact that I care for her and love her that is it.

The "cons" list is so long I would be beating myself up to even go down that road.

I hope to decompress a bit over the next few days away from her but right now am in withdrawls and depressed.

There is a reasonable expectation that she will have no place to live in a couple of months and I am not confident that I will turn her away if she is no my door.

I had NC from the end of Jan until my birthday at the end of this month.  Now back in the middle of it.

So this is the undecided board and I am venting here a bit.   I was living kind of a boring workaholic life for 6 months and now am in exhausting chaos.

I have not been able to get in to see my T who "graduated" me out of therapy just a couple of days before the ex-gf called me.   Will try again to get in to see the T.  

[Surnia]

A sudden turn your last post, nowwhatz.

And so sorry to hear that you are withdrawn and depressed. 

Are you a bit familiar with codependency/being caretaker? I would say there are things to explore for you.

Perhaps this book could be something: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist:



My other thought is: When your gf is so good in taking care for herself like having a good lawyer, not getting deportation in her home country and more, she will able to find a apartment too.

Keep us posted, nowwhatz, it helps against being depressed.

[nowwhatz]

A sudden turn your last post, nowwhatz.

And so sorry to hear that you are withdrawn and depressed. 

Are you a bit familiar with codependency/being caretaker? I would say there are things to explore for you.

Perhaps this book could be something: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist:



My other thought is: When your gf is so good in taking care for herself like having a good lawyer, not getting deportation in her home country and more, she will able to find a apartment too.

Keep us posted, nowwhatz, it helps against being depressed.

Thanks Surnia. I checked out the link to that book... .looks like interesting reading and helpful.

I have been in a caretaker marriage and stuck it out for several years for my kids out of responsibility... .but no BPD in the equation then... .maybe bipolar... .BPD is way more complex.

I started taking a step backwards on Sunday and yesterday by getting back into my music a bit. With enough work to keep me crazy even without a crazy gf and my music (among other things) there is no logical reason I shouldn't be able to distance myself a bit from her for a while.

I know she went through and is going through a real crisis with her legal problem and personal situation but she is out of the woods temporarily so I don't have to be extra nice to her.  I believe the abilify she takes and her sobering legal situatioin is helping her out and now it is time to ween her off me and me off her.  I have to focus my obsessive tendancies elewhere.

Basically my "plan" this week is to not initiate any contact with her... .check on her... .etc... .let her contact me first and be busy.    This is hard for me because she is like a drug and we are often on intuitive cycles where she will call or text at exactly the same time I do... .scary.

She needs to get a job and focus on that. Unless she finds some rich old guy I think she knows I am one of the few guys who can tolerate her (and I am no angel ... .she tolerates me too).  So this will continue as it has been (and get worse) or if she sticks with her meds, gets a job, could get better over time.    I will need to be the one to pull the plug forever if it is ever done.

Well Surnia thanks for listening and in the big picture of this strange r/s things have actually moved in positive direction over time... .especially with her acceptance of her serious emotional/mental issues and need for treatment.

I willl keep venting here if that is ok.  Right now I have no place else to go to talk about this and nobody who can understand what I am dealing with.

Thank you.

[Surnia]

Yes, venting is okay. For many normal real life friends all this is just too much. So better to post it here and just doing some fun things with friends. 

Basically my "plan" this week is to not initiate any contact with her... .check on her... .etc... .let her contact me first and be busy.    This is hard for me because she is like a drug and we are often on intuitive cycles where she will call or text at exactly the same time I do... .scary.

Good plan for a first step. 

[nowwhatz]

Yes, venting is okay. For many normal real life friends all this is just too much. So better to post it here and just doing some fun things with friends. 

Basically my "plan" this week is to not initiate any contact with her... .check on her... .etc... .let her contact me first and be busy.    This is hard for me because she is like a drug and we are often on intuitive cycles where she will call or text at exactly the same time I do... .scary.

Good plan for a first step. 

Thanks Surnia.

Well... .Epic Fail.  I spent almost all day with her.   She is supposed to go to mexico to see her mom for 10 days. Maybe that will work.