Need advice regarding step-daughter's mom

[Hopefully]

Hi,

I am a step mom to a 14 year old who's mom has BPD (undiagnosed) ... .Her mom lives in one province and her dad and I live in another. She came to live with us because of her moms abuse, she really didn't want to as this meant leaving all of her friend behind but she had no choice as it was go back to moms abuse or go live with dad in another province.

I am wondering if someone can give us advice on how to deal with her ... .Her mom was totally on board with her staying here and we really want to get her help but now mom has changed her decision and is putting it in my step daughters head that she can come back to live with her, just don't know when. Her dad and I are really scared that she will go back and life will be ok at first but then mom will start to abuse her again and there is nothing we can do all the way from here (different province) ... .Can someone suggest something ? Find it hard when we are trying to get her help and life straight and then she has her BPD mom texting and telling her something different ... .HELP !

[DreamGirl]

Don't let your "Fear" guide you in the direction you want to go. Mom can swing on her pendulum all she wants, there is no need for you to go back and forth with her. Your SD is in your care and that sounds like it's a good thing.

How was her mom abusive? What effects did that have on her?

What does your stepdaughter need help in the most?

Does she have anxiety?

Is she enmeshed with her mom - where she feels that she needs to go back to take care of her?

Does she struggle in school?

Social Relationships?

Is she seeing a counselor?

[ennie]

I'll chime in to say that we have definitely found that when my stepdaughters (SD13 and SD9) are seeing counselors, things level out more... .mom's crazy pendulum is more in perspective for the kids. 

Also, I have found Love and Logic parenting techniques to be really useful... .you can do a web search and finds some free MP3s on empathy in parenting. 

My DH and his ex share 50/50 custody, mostly as he has wanted to keep it that way and their mom is less physically abusive, more negligent so far.  But the kids are very enmeshed with mom, and she is constantly painting a picture of how she will get full custody and the kids will live with her in another state, so they never know what is going to happen and are told they need to "fight" to be able to live with their mom or daddy will take them away from her... .there is no way a court would allow this. 

So what I find really useful is to help especially SD13 to know where the limits of her power lie, and then to really listen, have empathy, and validate.  So my SD13 might say (usually after talking to her mom), "I only want to live with my mommy!  She needs me!"  And I say,  "I totally get how frustrating it must be not to be able to choose that. In our culture, teens do not have power to decide where they live.  That decision is yours when you are 18.  I know, it is a bummer, because in so many ways you are ready to make more of your own decisions.  I remember being your age and how frustrating it was not to have that choice.  Do you want to hear a story about what it was like for me?" (she usually does... .she is pretty open).  "I remember when I was thirteen and I really wanted to live in an abandoned warehouse with my friends.  I was so convinced it would work, but my parents would not let me."  Her: "But it is different, I want to live with my MOM."  "Yes, it is different, but it was just as frustrating for me not to have a choice.  Where you live is the choice of your parents and the courts, and you have no power over that choice, just like I have no power over where you live, and just like I did not have that choice when I was 13."  "But WHEN will I get to choose?  When I am 14? 15?" "When you are 18.  Until then, you might be interviewed, but you have no power in that area.  Right now, the agreement is that you live here 50% of the time. That may or may not change.  But right now, that is what we have to work with.  And for me, I would like to do our best to make what is work for all of us, because I love you." 

Also, I find that helping her to see that some things in life are hard, and where we have power is in how we feel and think about these things about which we have no choice.  My SD is a very philosophical 13, and very open to learning ways of thinking about what is happening that help her to be happy. 

In our family, DH has the harder conversations of WHY he won't let her live with mommy all the time... .partly as they have agreed to 50/50, and partly because he does not think it is safe.  She has had a DUI when she was supposed to be taking the kids to school, does not always have a home, lives a pretty chaotic life, gets into violent altercations with boyfriends, and so forth. 

But it works for me to have the, "you do not have power over that" conversation, partly because neither do I, and so it is not me telling her "no", but me telling her, "this is one of those things we get to accept because we have no ability to change it."  There is an odd way that the real limits in life are relieving to kids.  Maybe it will change at some point, but the take home message is that right now, it is not changing.  So be here now. 

Good luck.  I so empathize with that stress of the constant lure of mom's imaginary perfect life for the kids.  At 13, my SD seems all the more caught up in it.  SD13 constantly fantasizing about how she will move away with her mom and all will be perfect.  Good luck in helping your SD adjust and come to terms with what is right now, and the fact that the future is not known.  That's a hard one.   

[Hopefully]

DreamGirl,

My SD mom abused her physically (hitting her if she didn't do the dishes correctly, making her stand for 3 hrs against the wall cause she wont wipe the walls down and when she tried to sit down her mom yanked her back up to the standing position), Mentally and emotionally ... .she didn't feel part of the family and was never home (ran the streets with her friends, came home and isolated herself to her room) ... .My SD has very low self esteem, doesn't think she is pretty at all (she is beautiful), has anxiety attacks often, she cuts herself to get rid of the pain (self harming) ... .Her mom has had abusive boyfriends many times so my SD picks boys that have not so good traits (cheating on her, not saying nice things to her or about her (calling her a slut) and when a boy gives her attention she is right on it)

My SD always knew her mom didn't have a good up bring herself but no one would tell her what happened until finally her mom told her one nite ... .The first thing she said after her mom told her the story, she said I am sorry ... .She feels like she has to protect her mom and takes on her moms problems as well she feels sorry for her other younger sister who is 7 and lives with her mom, she is scared something bad is going to happen to her and wants to be there to protect her too ... .

My SD needs help in her self esteem (realizing that she is beautiful, self confidence), she needs help in realizing that her moms problems are NOT her problems, her mom is old enough to deal with her problems and her mom needs to own up to them and get help for herself, My SD needs to do what is best for herself and not what is best for anyone else (although that is a tough one cause right now she feels it is better there because there is the only life that she has really known) Its like being in jail and then getting out and noticing that the world is a scary place so they commit crime again and end up back in jail where they feel safe. If my SD just stuck it through, and I know it is tough but she would eventually see that here with her dad and I is a much better environment for her to be in (its just getting to this)

My SD is very smart, loves to do art and is awesome at it (we have her in extra art classes outside of school) ... .She doesn't really struggle in school so much with the subjects except for math, she struggles with making friends cause of her trust issues ... .It seems like in a way she knows she is here for a year (hopefully longer) so she has this attitude as if she really doesn't want to make friends ... .She comes home from school and hangs with us or isolates herself in her room and listens to music and plays on her phone or computer (we are trying to bring her out more to be with us through inviting her to watch tv with us, etc) ... .We have her also going to youth group once a week which she likes going to and did when she lived with her mom.

She is seeing a counsellor once a week, we were going at first as a family but now the counsellor wants to see her alone, which we are ok with that. Her mom has asked to speak to the counsellor, but the counsellor has nothing to say to her and doesn't want to speak to her. She told us that if she wants to talk to her she has to call her. I am scared that she will manipulate the counsellor and get the counsellor to feel sorry for her (poor me). The counsellor thinks she has a better life here soo I am not too sure what she would tell my SD mom ... .

Thanks DreamGirl for your advice it really does help !

[Hopefully]

Ennie,

Hey right now as it stands my SD mom doesn't have full custody of her but she has lived with her mom for 14 years, we just have (as it states in the last court agreement done back in 2002 as we use to live in the same province) one week outta every month visitation.

Here the child can decide where she wants to live at age 14 soo we cant really hold her here and not let her go back if she wants too (that is the tough part) ... .Her mom sent her here because she was causing problems there, my SD ran away from her moms house because her mom hit her, my SD called the police and the police called CAS. Her mom has three other kids besides my SD so she didn't want my SD causing trouble in the household. My SD had a choice, either move back in with mom or move with dad ... .She didn't want to move back in with mom so she had no other choice but to move in with us, but that required her moving to another province away from all of her friends (which as a teen is really hard) ... .her mom was on board and said she will be here for a year ... .My SD would text her everyday saying she wanted to go back home, that here wasn't home, it was just a house. Her mom stuck to her word and was like nope you are there for a year then it all changed ... .

My SD started to see a counsellor and she disclosed that abuse from her mom, which then the counsellor had to report to CAS here and the police got involved. The counsellor also advice my SD that maybe she needs to not talk to her mom for awhile to help her heal because her mom would text her everyday saying, in order for you to be happy with the world you have to be happy with herself and she would always bug her about being happy, so this is why the counsellor advice her to write or text her mom saying she needs to take some time out and think and that her mom should too. Her mom was mad and blew it all out of proportion but my SD stuck to her guns and didn't talk, text or anything for two weeks. Then my SD had to go to the police station and have a video interview with them about the abuse as they were investigating it. This really played on my SD mind, soo she ended up texting her mom two days later. Now they talk everyday and are best of friends again, she mom is now telling her she can come back and live with her before a year (she is messing with my SD head, first its one thing and then it is another and it all depends on what is going on or happening to when comin back will be). Mom wants to talk to SD counsellor but counsellor doesn't want to talk to mom, says she has no reason too, if mom wants to talk to her she needs to call her. Mom tells her one day it could be after first semester of school (Christmas time) and then she says maybe before the end of school is done. This decision is based on what the counsellor thinks or says.

My husband gets a text last nite from SD mom saying, " I think she should come home early, like right after Christmas, all depending what the counsellor says ... .she isn't adjusting like I thought (it has ONLY been two months) and I think she needs to come home. ** My SD mom knows this bugs my husband as my husband has told her many of times, "Pease give this a chance, it takes sometime" **

My SD and I have had many of talks and when her mom isn't in her ear or texting her she agrees with me that its a better life here. Then the emotional guilt gets in the way and she wants to go back to live with mom again.

My SD is so confused, one minute its no you cant come home (from her mom) then it is yes you can come home, just when I don't know (this changes all the time).

My husband and I want her to stay and have told my SD that, even though she begs to go home everyday saying, " If you want me to be happy, send me home and I will be happy" although I truly don't believe my SD knows what happy is ... .

I believe that with the counsellors help and time my SD will see that it is healthier life here. We are just soo scared that her mom will say you can come back now and because my SD doesn't know better (what is best/healthier for her) she will go back to her moms house ... .there is NO laws stopping her ... .