Dont Know where to start

[annoyed1976]

Please remove from improving forum please.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=210881.0

Hi,

Just posted my introduction post yesterday.  Have had a very enventful time with my wife over the past nearly 18 years, 13 years married.  Just recently due to posts on numerous infidelity forums, BPD has been suggested and the more i look into it the more it looks the case.  Please have a read of my introduction post and give us your thoughts.  Looks like a long road ahead if i stay here and try to work this all out.  Also i have 3 children, who are currently 13,10 and 7.  The oldest daughter has just had an episode where she has been self cutting, and she is seeing a pschologist with this.  Hoping her mothers problems are not replicating on her.  Anyway, thanks for looking.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi annoyed1976. Welcome to the community!

I read your introduction thread. You've had a lot to deal with through the years, for sure. I hope you'll find comfort and support here on the boards.

It's good that your oldest is seeing a psychologist. How does she feel about going? When children are in the picture, the non-parent (meaning the parent who doesn't have BPD) can help by listening to the child, using lots of validation and teaching them techniques and tools that you can find here on the boards.

For the younger ones, reading An Umbrella for Alex with them might be a possibility.

For now, take a look around the board. There are some good links on the right ----------------------->

Especially Stop the bleeding. Regardless of whether you wish to stay or go, as long as you're living together minimising conflict is paramount.

I'm also a little worried about the fact that she has been hitting and punching you. Have you seen this? TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men

Take good care of yourself. We are here for you.

[annoyed1976]

Thanks Scarlet.  My eldest daughter 13 is the one seeing the psychologist.  She is doing well and feeling at ease talking to her.  She seems happier within herself, but we have just been on 2 weeks holiday.  She heads back to school tomorrow.

I really want to talk to my wife regarding her latest infidelity episode with her cousin.  She will not talk about it, and says i will never know all of it.  It is very hard to take, and i am so unsure exactly how much happenned.  I wonder whether a polygraph is an option, but really i know i dont need one.

But it probably would give me the push to leave, if it came up that physical contact did actually occur, which i am very much thinking did.  If not with him, with the flatmate early on.  Her inappropriate behaviour with young males make me very weary especially with my daughter going through dating in the coming years.

The wife doesnt seem to have any idea how to behave appropriately.   

[Scarlet Phoenix]

The wife doesnt seem to have any idea how to behave appropriately.   

From what I've read in your intro thread, I agree.

There are techniques we can use to ask for things, which may help our pwBPD (person with BPD) be more open. It's no miracle cure, but it might open communications up a little. It's called DEARMAN. You can read about it here:

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

I would also focus on keeping out of circular arguments, as long as you're all living together, and taking time-outs to defuse situations early on. It may not sound fair, the responsibility all being on you when she is acting so out of control. But remember that you're doing this for you and your children. To protect you and make the environment a little more stable for the time being.

[annoyed1976]

Thankyou.  Back to work in the morning, early start.  Not looking forward to it .

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thankyou.  Back to work in the morning, early start.  Not looking forward to it .

Know the feeling!

[annoyed1976]

My wife and I both saw the psychiatrist today at mental health.  His diagnosis, you guessed it BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder.  We are going to get a referral to a specialist in this field.  Because we live so far from major cities, he suggested trying to find someone who can possibly skype consult.

We are allowed 50 consultations with a psychiatrist per year with medicare.  He said she would need intensive long term treatment , he mentioned psychotherapry and DBT.  Well at least we have the diagnosis now, and something to work with.  Feeling a bit more positive about the future.