My child is suffering so much from his BPD dad

[Dancing1]

Hi, my heart is breaking for my 10 yr old son. Between being ignored by his dad, or put down, or just crazy behaviour around him and the " fighting" - that is me speaking every so often and getting yelled at in response - he says he doesn't want to live here anymore , he wants one of his friends fathers to adopt him ... I am working against the clock to get a job , rebuild myself, gain some financial independence so I don't have to be financially dependent for every penny, and sitter etc. I hope I'm not too late for my little boy who looks like he's drowning in the life he grew up in. I keep telling him it's not about him, but honestly I was told that for years and I didn't get it till I got on this board, and read walking on egg shell a, and getting over borderline by Valerie porr ...

Is there any advice on how to salvage his " low feelings" of being unloved , and hated by his dad?

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[waverider]

This might help

An Umbrella for Alex - Rachel Rashkin, MS

[Dancing1]

Thanks , I'll look into it !

[Cloudy Days]

My husband grew up in that kind of environment and he is now a similar person to his father. He blames a lot on his mother though for not being there for him when he needed someone. I know that growing up in a home like that really screws a kid up. But what screws them up more is not having any parent to tell them it's not their fault and to validate all of his feelings. When my husband's mom left his father, she basically abandoned my husband too. She left for another man and obviously my husband did not want to be around the man the broke his family up. That most of all hurt him because she chose someone else over taking care of her children. He had the choice of living with the other man, who was not nice either, or living with his father.

My point is that you need to be a strong presence for your son, keep telling him over and over again that it is not his fault and also to Validate his feelings constantly. His father is most likely extremely invalidating, he needs to know that its ok to feel the way he does. Borderlines become the way they do partly because they were constantly invalidated as children. If you have one really good parent you can do some damage control. If he feels unloved, don't tell him to feel differently, tell him that you can understand why he feels unloved. It's the same thing that you use with your husband. But instead of diffusing an argument you are helping your little boy learn it's ok.

[Dancing1]

Thank you so much for that insightful info. The main reason I am still here is that I cannot imagine leaving my child to cope alone with his dad. It's sad and awful for all of us, but I'm the grownup here. My goal is to learn to navigate this myself, next help teach my son about his father and how to cope, while protecting him and shielding him from within. Leaving him for a half an hour while I am in another room is too much for my son to handle.

Who knows?. maybe while I navigate it - lightening will strike , and a miracle will occur. If not this is my sons dad for life he has to understand, and learn how to best protect himself.

I will try to do a better job at validating him , understanding his enormous pain.

[HarmKrakow]

My husband grew up in that kind of environment and he is now a similar person to his father. He blames a lot on his mother though for not being there for him when he needed someone. I know that growing up in a home like that really screws a kid up. But what screws them up more is not having any parent to tell them it's not their fault and to validate all of his feelings. When my husband's mom left his father, she basically abandoned my husband too. She left for another man and obviously my husband did not want to be around the man the broke his family up. That most of all hurt him because she chose someone else over taking care of her children. He had the choice of living with the other man, who was not nice either, or living with his father.

My point is that you need to be a strong presence for your son, keep telling him over and over again that it is not his fault and also to Validate his feelings constantly. His father is most likely extremely invalidating, he needs to know that its ok to feel the way he does. Borderlines become the way they do partly because they were constantly invalidated as children. If you have one really good parent you can do some damage control. If he feels unloved, don't tell him to feel differently, tell him that you can understand why he feels unloved. It's the same thing that you use with your husband. But instead of diffusing an argument you are helping your little boy learn it's ok.

Bingo, it's often these nasty situations where the kid actually might not receive enough love and validation and develops a nasty BPD when they get >20 years and older.

[froggy]

My son seems to be affected more than my daughter... .there is something that affects the males in my family ... alot of anxiety and depression.

He is 25 now... has a lot of anger towards his dad... on meds and in therapy.

He took the brunt of the anger when I went to work full time when he was 13 because of his fathers job loss.

I have a lot of guilt about leaving them in the "care" of their dad while at work.

He showed up in tears once with a ripped shirt and bent glasses after his dad lost it over something minor.

[Dancing1]

I hope and pray I can help my son, and prevent anything from happening to him.

Emotionally for now and later.