Pretty shattered

[Accepting]

I don't know if you've been following my posts at all, but I'm new to the forum after reading from behind the scenes for some time.

My posts have tried to have a positive tinge to lighten things up and encourage myself and others towards looking forwards and being grateful for what we have, not what we are missing.

But today I feel shattered. The last time I saw 'him' was 2 weeks ago. Too much information but we slept together unprotected and he looked in my eyes telling me he loved me. It was beautiful like it was in earlier days (sex had lulled for the last however many recycles prior to this). I stayed two nights and he said afterwards that he really needed to find himself, by himself... .he hoped I understood. As I'd been reading on this site I felt I understood - the cycle at least - more than I had ever previously.

We texted for the next week... .he said I should go and buy a cd by an artist I love who I'd introduced him to as there was a new album and one of the songs on there kinda described how he felt atm. "I was by myself, and I did it by myself, I thought I didn't love you but I did I just didn't like myself... .so I had to find myself, really redesign myself" and the chorus "the more that I tried to hold you in my arms the more you would slip away" - heartbreaking for me to hear, terrible. But I tried to understand. Our contact ended a week ago with him saying if I understand I will let him have the space he needs to do what he needs to do. That he doesn't know if he will ever be okay but he has to try... .that he can't be with anyone till he puts more time in to himself. I stopped contacting and posted here online after a few days. I decided it was time to accept this is what it is and try to let go.

I am sick atm, just a nasty headcold... .and studying. I couldn't sleep last night and for some reason out of the blue I thought about how we met on an online dating site 18mths ago... .I'm not on any social media sites and don't have any way of checking anything to do with him which is how I like it. I've always trusted him just felt his depressive cycles was the issue for us. I just had this feeling and I wanted to prove myself wrong - to prove that he was speaking the truth... .I went on to the dating site and searched for a 35yr old male of his height in our area and he came up. It shocked me. I was shaking and just blown away. I've not looked at this site since a few months after meeting. Here he was seeking dating or a relationship.

The worst part is that he has used a photo that a friend's gf took of him and his mate to send to me one night, that he says he's looking for someone happy who likes a laugh and who likes to do a list of things I did with him - like taking him on hinterland drives when we met for those first few months - he'd never been before. He says he's reading Shantaram and how good it is - I just bought it for him for his birthday a month ago... .it sickened me that the present he said "you didn't have to buy me a present" when unwrapping was now a selling point for him on online dating.

I feel sick. I feel shattered. I'm okay, I know I don't need him in my life and I know to others who've suffered worse that this might sound like I'm getting off easy... .but I've never come in to contact with this mental illness style of personality before him and I have poured my heart in to believing him and trying to understand and to help. It does make me feel sick to know that some people are just so different than others.

I have this overwhelming urge to save other girls from falling victim to him but how? It's sick. What he says he's looking for online is what we have. It is so screwed up and doesn't make sense. I know that is the issue for me though, letting go of trying to let go of trying to make sense of someone who's brain just isn't wired the right way... .

He has the tattoo "Save me from Myself" tattooed in large calligraphy across his lower back. Why when I first saw this did I not just walk away. I believed it was done in a moment of grief but even then, I should never have stayed. Thinking how easily I stayed makes me realise how other girls will fall victim too and be hurt like this. It's one of those injustices that doesn't make sense in this life.

[November_Rain]

I know exactly how you feel. Me and my exBPDbf dated for 6 mos and just broke up for the 4th time, this after spending a romantic weekend away for our anniversary... .And him talking again about marriage. It's almost like he has this fantasy in his head of what he wants, but when it's right there in front of him, he doesn't want it. He broke up with me again on Wednesday, saying that he loved me but he shouldn't be in a relationship. No contact since but he still has us listed as being "in a relationship" on facebook. Don't know what to think. It's like he wants me to come crawling back to him, as I have always done and say everything is my fault, but this time I am not doing that. I just want to heal.

[DownandOut]

I've heard that story for 2 years. "Finding herself" was the goal and I gave her all the space and time in the world to do that. I heard this for the two years we talked on and off and finally she contacts me telling me that she was ready, she hated herself for not being able to be with me because she didn't want to take me on the journey of her having to "find herself." Well, as the BPD cycle goes, she never found herself because as soon as the relationship hit a rough patch due to her devaluing, she had someone else on the back burner. She would tell me about self-help gurus and therapy and books she read while she was "finding herself," but obviously none of it helped because she couldn't quite shake her BPD symptoms. ONe of the silver linings of our BPDexs is that they at least acknowledged that something wasn't right. FIxing it is an entirely different story. I'm on 2 months NC and honestly, it sucks. But we have to remember that we are worth more than that and if they truly loved us they would make the effort to get help, stick with it and truly find themselves. If they do that, they can have a fulfilling relationship with someone who has a lot of love to give. If not, it's on them to suffer the consequences of living with the disorder and leaving a wake of destruction in their paths.

[patientandclear]

What he says he's looking for online is what we have.

Oh, Accepting.   

Every so often, in this sea of similar heartwrenching stories, there is one that is particularly heartwrenching, and to me, yours is.

I think you've put your fingers on a deep truth with that quote above.  You're not missing something.  You're right.

He is too scared to accept that.  If that were true, there are all kinds of implications ... .he'd be vulnerable to you.  You might hurt him.  You might hurt him by not caring about him enough.  You might hurt him by caring about him too much & snuffing out his individual self.  You became a threat and a danger, precisely because you are and you had what he is looking for.

That is the mind___ of this situation.

He just wants to start over.  He, and other wBPD, hope it will be possible to find someone who gives them all the good feelings you did, but without the bad/scary feelings.  It isn't possible to find that, but they don't know that.  So of course, if you think you can find that, you're going to try.  Right? I would.

Except that after many rounds of that, it would begin to dawn on me that there was something wrong.  But pwBPD have incredibly strong defense mechanisms that bar that truth from surfacing.  There is always some flaw in the current r/s, in the other person, that can explain why this time what had seemed so promising again went off the rails.  But it won't happen next time, because the problem was in the other person, not in them.

They can do that for a very long time.  My ex is 51.  He is still really committed to that narrative.  After many, dozens?, of episodes in which he initially thinks he grabbed the brass ring of relationships and has been lucky enough to find The One.  He still thinks he needs to keep going.

It's hard to take.  Really hard.  Your discovery that the "I need to learn to be by myself" business was not something he took very seriously -- after you gave him the grace to do that without blame or recriminations from you -- that's exactly what I experienced.  It's awful.  I still feel traumatically betrayed by it, two years after discovering it.  In my case, he sent me an online photo album to look at (he was a beginning photographer then), I got up early to look at it one morning ... .and found lots of overeager and gushing comments from his exgf, a young woman who works for me (nice, right?), making it clear that he was not, ah, "figuring out how to be alone."  Awful.

But maybe you can find some solace in seeing that the alternative, for them, is super hard.  Sign on to be alone, when that utterly terrifies you; and then, look within to find how wretchedly you've screwed up every close r/s in  your life.  Not an easy assignment.  Moving on is a lot more attractive.

Again,  .  This is indeed shattering stuff.

[winston72]

Thank you, PatientandClear for your post.  It moved me greatly. 

Accepting, the betrayal you experienced is horrible, truly horrible.  Please do not feel any need to discount your pain or the reasons he might have acted in such a manner.  It is, pure and simple, a deception and a betrayal in a most intimate way.  I was the king at rationalizing my ex's behavior and discounting my own hurt and all it did was prolong any return to joy in my life.  I am so sorry.

I find PatientandClear's words to be so accurate and it makes me so very sad.  I also find that the description of the inner world of someone with BPD describes much of my inner landscape as well.  I ebb and flow with my vulnerabilities and fears in a less volatile fashion than someone will a full blown disorder, but I think that the presence of those same fears of intimacy, yet desire for it, are what make me vulnerable to someone with this disorder.  I initially perceive them as "safe" because I will be under less pressure to be fully "present" emotionally.  So misguided on my part... .and much easier to see as I type than when I am in everyday mode!

Thanks to both of you and DownAndOut and Broken_But_Blessed for a great thread.

[Accepting]

Thanks guys.

I'm so sick today with this headcold it's really not helping. Ah dear... .tears and headaches and nose blowing and tears.

Patientandclear, thanks for your heartfelt response. I really have given this situation everything I had and more. It's been a soul searching and gut wrenching experience... .so alienating and so in the moment at times. I remember lying next to him with the breeze coming through his window thinking to myself, 'this moment right here, this is perfection and I'd rather have this than years with someone I didn't connect so well with... .I'm happy to pay the price of silence later just to have these amazing hours with this person'... but of course the flipside is so dark and hurtful that there comes a point where you have to enjoy those moments as they were, in the past and not seek more of them. Enough is enough.

It's incredible to see the irony of his profile and it's nice that you can see what I see. He is looking for what we have... .it's been right there in front of him the whole time. It is a truly bizarre condition for people to have. This is the truth of it all and is why I decided to start letting go for real.

Last year I got sick with a virus similar to Malaria - first time I'd ever been seriously ill and then lost my job during government cuts from my department - and the whole time I went through his recycling process on and off... .loving him and trying to understand, even though I didn't get the bigger picture till recently. This year I finished a course and have overlapped another whilst working in an infant nursery and have done so much to better myself and my future and I'm just tired of his stuff overshadowing and bringing me back down. It really is the most selfish of conditions and being on the receiving end is devastating.

I deleted his number and any call logs or history from my mobile today. I have never done that before. I feel strangely calm since doing so. A bit of inner peace maybe.

It's too hot and beautiful a public holiday Monday here in Australia to be so sad and stuffed up by a headcold and an inside-out minded lover.

[Accepting]

Thanks Winston.

It's all a bit heavy for my mind.

I'm also studying and the topic has been fostering social and psychological wellbeing and development in children. Somebody cut me a break!  So much stuff to process atm. This experience with 'him' makes me want to strive even more to ensure the infants in my care have a positive and happy time. Cos it all starts somewhere doesn't it...

[PhoenixRising15]

Thank you for sharing this story.

I wonder how common the narrative of "finding myself alone" gets told.

That was how my last recycle ended. 

She swore she needed to find herself, didn't want to be with anyone else, hated to be alone, but needed it.

4 guys in one month later, she called, with one on the back burner that i knew about.

I called her on it, and she got angry. 

I said enough is enough.

8 blocked calls and 1 email professing her love later, I haven't heard from her in a week, and I'm glad.

Peace is something I haven't had in a long time.  I constantly feel like I'm looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting to hear yet again that she will change and do anything to keep me, only to hit it up.

The nice thing (I guess) for me is that she has actually expressed guilt and shame to me.  I think it was something I taught her.  I said, all I ever want is for you to apologize and recognize when you've harmed me.

She did, over and over in her email.  I could sense her frustration with herself, "I don't know how I've become the person I've beome. I don't know why I do the things I do"

But that doesn't change that she does them, and I have to accept that.

I don't need crazy in my life.  I need peace, love, and support.

My greatest fantasy in the world right now is that she gets the help she needs, figures herself out, ditches the drugs and junkie friends, and comes back to me to make amends.

I've pretty much given up the notion of ever dating again.  I simply cannot trust one word out of her mouth.  Not one.

I pity her because I know its fear of abandonment, shes even said so.  "I was so afraid that if i told you, you would just leave"

But I can't fix her.  I don't even know if she can fix herself.  At 19 with a serious drug problem, absent parenting, and a bankroll, I'm worried she is spiraling towards a very dark and tragic place.

I just have to remind myself that I cannot control anyone else.

Sorry this got off on a tangent.  This post just struck me, and I had to get these thoughts out, because it's what bothered me so much about how things "ended".  Her needing space and time, my compassionately giving it to her, only to have her use it to abuse me.

So it goes.

[Ironmanrises]

Thank you for sharing this story.

I wonder how common the narrative of "finding myself alone" gets told.

That was how my last recycle ended.  

She swore she needed to find herself, didn't want to be with anyone else, hated to be alone, but needed it.

4 guys in one month later, she called, with one on the back burner that i knew about.

I called her on it, and she got angry.  

I said enough is enough.

8 blocked calls and 1 email professing her love later, I haven't heard from her in a week, and I'm glad.

Peace is something I haven't had in a long time.  I constantly feel like I'm looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting to hear yet again that she will change and do anything to keep me, only to  it up.

The nice thing (I guess) for me is that she has actually expressed guilt and shame to me.  I think it was something I taught her.  I said, all I ever want is for you to apologize and recognize when you've harmed me.

She did, over and over in her email.  I could sense her frustration with herself, "I don't know how I've become the person I've beome. I don't know why I do the things I do"

But that doesn't change that she does them, and I have to accept that.

I don't need crazy in my life.  I need peace, love, and support.

My greatest fantasy in the world right now is that she gets the help she needs, figures herself out, ditches the drugs and junkie friends, and comes back to me to make amends.

I've pretty much given up the notion of ever dating again.  I simply cannot trust one word out of her mouth.  Not one.

I pity her because I know its fear of abandonment, shes even said so.  "I was so afraid that if i told you, you would just leave"

But I can't fix her.  I don't even know if she can fix herself.  At 19 with a serious drug problem, absent parenting, and a bankroll, I'm worried she is spiraling towards a very dark and tragic place.

I just have to remind myself that I cannot control anyone else.

Sorry this got off on a tangent.  This post just struck me, and I had to get these thoughts out, because it's what bothered me so much about how things "ended".  Her needing space and time, my compassionately giving it to her, only to have her use it to abuse me.

So it goes.

In bold/italics.

My exUBPDgf started reading a self help book... .

Towards the end if devaluation in round 2... .

She was professing all over facebook/instagram... .

That she was in "personal development... ."

That was the cover she used... .

To disguise the very real fact... .

That in her mind... .

If she read that book... .

And told others she was doing so... .

She could not possibly be disordered.

That was her "finding herself... ."

Except... .

It was all a disguise.

Hang in there Questioning.

[Accepting]

This morning I felt pretty down thinking about 'him' putting himself back on online dating to find a new girl or distraction or victim as such... .as it now feels... .after going through all the effort and energy of trying to accept his request for 'needing to find himself' 'needing to try to do the things he needed to do to sort himself out and get some of his life on track'. I looked at the profile I'd seen of him online and saw he had been on early this morning - so he's actively, daily on the hunt as such. It's how we met... .it makes me feel uneasy, used... .sad.

... .but then I went to work and despite being sick still, had a great day. I barely thought of him. I know that keeping busy is such a good thing when going through this stuff.

One good thing that I've never done before... .is having deleted his number. Kinda feels really good. I'm not sure if my behaviour at the end (we were in NC when I saw his dating site profile Sunday night) in the form of being really shocked and hurt and then slighting him, all in a row of texts, was the best thing to do ... .but I think I was just in shock. I was shaking, hurt. Anyway, I'm really glad that I've got no method of contacting him now as there are so many things that go through my mind that I want to say to him - that I can't - and I think this is a really good thing. There is little to no point in saying any of it anyway.

[Lady31]

Accepting,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know somewhat how you feel.  Interesting - mine had SERIOUS issues, but I didn't think cheating or things like this was one of them.  In fact, I thought in that area he was a good guy.  He portrayed himself to be mister faithful and true, Mr. Honor & Integrity.

I found that hard to reconcile in the relationship because how do you go around thinking you are THE CRAP, Mr. Honor & Integrity while you treat your wife like crap and abuse her?  I have to say he was a different sort.  We owned a businesses together and he was ALWAYS trying to help other people out, he always helped neighbors, family, strangers if he could by fixing things for free, helping move, helping pay bills, loaning tools/equipment or anything else we had that they needed.  He was also very honest in his trade - wanted to be careful not to take advantage of people & was fair with pricing and was very concerned about his "good name".  This is how I am as well and so I struggled with seeing who he really was for a long time.  I couldn't reconcile all these positive traits with the negative ones I saw in the way he treated me.

Again - even though I saw all these things listed, I didn't think that area with other women was something his character would allow.  HA!

Toward the end I found he was searching match online (he was also big on the dating websites while single before we got together) while I was still in the house by putting a tracker on the computer at the end.  When I confronted him about all these women he was looking at/checking out he raged at me, turned it around on me and said he did that on purpose bc he knew that I had something on the computer!  Then I found out he put up some profile on "hot or not" (this guy is 40?) - with all his old pics from 8 years ago he would use on the old dating websites - and said he lived in NY & was 36.  (Again he's 40, we live in TX & the pics were old.)

When we got together he was just out of another relationship.  (We had known each other a long time & had dated in the past briefly.)  After dating a few months he started treating me like crap and was discarding me again saying that he just needed time, he wasn't ready to be in a relationship.  That it wasn't anyone else, if he was going to be with ANYONE it would be ME... .  Fast forward, we got back together after a few months and stayed together and got married.  About a year into the marriage I found old emails in his account from that time period when he was "taking a little space", where he was messaging women in the ads from craigslist (I think like prostitutes!)  When I confronted him about this because it scared me about his character and I felt he lied to me as well - he blew up at me and turned it around on me.

Seeing who they really are is hard and kind of shocking- but it's necessary to move on I think.  Hang in there, you are not alone.  It hurts, but this too shall pass!

[Accepting]

Accepting,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know somewhat how you feel.  Interesting - mine had SERIOUS issues, but I didn't think cheating or things like this was one of them.  In fact, I thought in that area he was a good guy.  He portrayed himself to be mister faithful and true, Mr. Honor & Integrity.

... .

I found that hard to reconcile in the relationship because how do you go around thinking you are THE CRAP, Mr. Honor & Integrity while you treat your wife like crap and abuse her? 

... .

Seeing who they really are is hard and kind of shocking- but it's necessary to move on I think.  Hang in there, you are not alone.  It hurts, but this too shall pass!

Hi Lady...    that's just it, it is really hard to reconcile what they portray themselves as with who they really are. It's like a constant merrygoround in my mind     and I really just want to be able to stop thinking about it - but it's so confronting and out of the ordinary that it keeps creeping in to taunt me a little more. I know it's only been a few days since discovering this betrayal in trust (this is what it feels like) and that time will put it behind me. I guess I like to treat people in such a straight up honest way and felt he was the first person I'd ever romantically been involved with who I could trust completely cos he operated by the same values - this is the confronting part... .I usually go by instinct and felt with him that whilst so much to do with him was whacky - the push/pull cycle, the random things he said that didn't quite make sense or were out of context on the timeline - I thought this was grief and depression related - that I could still trust the person inside and the things he said. To discover this is a load of b/s is not nice... .especially given the countless hours of empathy and caring I poured in to trying to understand him and his needs, his messed up headspace. Though again, it's accepting his words weren't all b/s and he is just acting out in line with his condition that I should focus on.

Oh well, we live and learn. My brother who's a very straight forward guy can't believe I got involved with this guy, kept going back... .and am now still allowing this guys actions to ruminate inside my mind. One thing my brother pointed out when talking to him, was how the guy says on his profile that he wants 'I just want someone I can hang out and have fun with' (it says he's in the category of looking for dating/relationship) - yet from the little watching I've done (I will stop this now), he's been online constantly - even when I've woken for the bathroom late at night the past few work nights, I've done the random check - and there he is signed in checking or messaging or whatever he's doing, on the dating site - my brother pointed out that this isn't what you do if you really want someone to just hang out with for a bit of fun. And so... .if he wants more than that, why not put his energy in to the girl he's already with. It's true, none of it adds up. They don't add up.

I'm really looking forward to a few months time when this all isn't so raw and I am more emotionally distanced from the last time we saw each other. It's happened before when I have had a few months NC and I have felt healed though still missing him... .I think this time round will be the first time I've had reality to go with it. He used to say, "girls all just want the fairytale but life isn't like that"... .I feel like it's not so much to hope for in having the desire for a consistent, loving, reliable partner. A normal boyfriend and a shared future together sound so incredibly appealing. It makes me feel sick to think of him showering a new girl/s with attention and making love to them, but then I guess the consolation to that, is that if I meant enough to him to be a trigger all the time, then by not being with me, he has to face that at some point I too will be with another. It's a two way street. He might be able to focus on the game of someone new now, but hopefully in time he'll miss how genuinely I tried with him. At least I gave the situation my all and can't look back with regret.

[eyvindr]

Dear Accepting,

 You so beautifully describe what I felt so many times with my ex:

I remember lying next to him with the breeze coming through his window thinking to myself, 'this moment right here, this is perfection and I'd rather have this than years with someone I didn't connect so well with... .I'm happy to pay the price of silence later just to have these amazing hours with this person'... but of course the flipside is so dark and hurtful that there comes a point where you have to enjoy those moments as they were, in the past and not seek more of them. Enough is enough.

Plus, you're in Oz -- throw a steak on the barbie and, or have a cuppa tea, luv!

It's too hot and beautiful a public holiday Monday here in Australia to be so sad and stuffed up by a headcold and an inside-out minded lover.

Here:

I'm also studying and the topic has been fostering social and psychological wellbeing and development in children. Somebody cut me a break!  So much stuff to process atm. This experience with 'him' makes me want to strive even more to ensure the infants in my care have a positive and happy time. Cos it all starts somewhere doesn't it...

The roots of healing are growing... .namaste.

[DragoN]

Seeing who they really are is hard and kind of shocking- but it's necessary to move on I think.  Hang in there, you are not alone.  It hurts, but this too shall pass!

Seeing who they really are = There is nothing there. A black hole of need.

Getting my head and heart around that took much longer than it ought to have.

Hope you are getting some reprieve and feeling a little better  

I really intensely dislike/ hate this disorder to the nth degree.

[Accepting]

Plus, you're in Oz -- throw a steak on the barbie and, or have a cuppa tea, luv!

... .

The roots of healing are growing... .namaste.

Lol! I've actually been consoling myself with more than my fair share of banana cake n lemon cream-cheese icing. 

Seeing who they really are = There is nothing there. A black hole of need.

Getting my head and heart around that took much longer than it ought to have.

Hope you are getting some reprieve and feeling a little better  

I really intensely dislike/ hate this disorder to the nth degree.

Thank you... .yeah, I'm in a crossroads of reprieve and ruminating. My boss gave me a day off work with my headcold which is nice. It's kinda good just to stop and chill for a bit... .and indulge in cake  I agree, I have intense feelings towards this disorder too - it definitely is one of those things in life that has no purpose.

[Lady31]

Accepting -

My exH wrote the same type of casual/easy going comments on his profiles. Both in this recent one and the ones before we got married.

With mine I think he wanted something casual, but he was constantly searching and going through women to boost his ego (so he would be on there constantly).  He didn't want to get too close or have to GIVE to a relationship.  I also noticed that issue was the core (I think) of his sexual issues of not having any sex drive except at the very beginning (and he was VERY good in bed then.)  It was because he didn't want a REAL partner or relationship.  He wanted/wants to use women for his needs and that's it.  Once the relationship was more than something shallow, he lost interest.

[Emelie Emelie]

Accepting,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I know somewhat how you feel.  Interesting - mine had SERIOUS issues, but I didn't think cheating or things like this was one of them.  In fact, I thought in that area he was a good guy.  He portrayed himself to be mister faithful and true, Mr. Honor & Integrity.

I found that hard to reconcile in the relationship because how do you go around thinking you are THE CRAP, Mr. Honor & Integrity while you treat your wife like crap and abuse her?  I have to say he was a different sort.  We owned a businesses together and he was ALWAYS trying to help other people out, he always helped neighbors, family, strangers if he could by fixing things for free, helping move, helping pay bills, loaning tools/equipment or anything else we had that they needed.  He was also very honest in his trade - wanted to be careful not to take advantage of people & was fair with pricing and was very concerned about his "good name".  This is how I am as well and so I struggled with seeing who he really was for a long time.  I couldn't reconcile all these positive traits with the negative ones I saw in the way he treated me.

Again - even though I saw all these things listed, I didn't think that area with other women was something his character would allow.  HA!

Toward the end I found he was searching match online (he was also big on the dating websites while single before we got together) while I was still in the house by putting a tracker on the computer at the end.  When I confronted him about all these women he was looking at/checking out he raged at me, turned it around on me and said he did that on purpose bc he knew that I had something on the computer!  Then I found out he put up some profile on "hot or not" (this guy is 40?) - with all his old pics from 8 years ago he would use on the old dating websites - and said he lived in NY & was 36.  (Again he's 40, we live in TX & the pics were old.)

When we got together he was just out of another relationship.  (We had known each other a long time & had dated in the past briefly.)  After dating a few months he started treating me like crap and was discarding me again saying that he just needed time, he wasn't ready to be in a relationship.  That it wasn't anyone else, if he was going to be with ANYONE it would be ME... .  Fast forward, we got back together after a few months and stayed together and got married.  About a year into the marriage I found old emails in his account from that time period when he was "taking a little space", where he was messaging women in the ads from craigslist (I think like prostitutes!)  When I confronted him about this because it scared me about his character and I felt he lied to me as well - he blew up at me and turned it around on me.

Seeing who they really are is hard and kind of shocking- but it's necessary to move on I think.  Hang in there, you are not alone.  It hurts, but this too shall pass!

My X was the "World's Greatest Guy" to everyone else as well.  Always the first to help out a neighbor, very honest and fair in his business, etc.  In retrospect I think this was more about all of his negative feelings about himself.  He feels so fundamentally worthless.  He really needs people to think he's a good guy.

[Emelie Emelie]

In fact... .a couple of weeks ago (we broke up three months ago) we were texting and he got angry with me about something (not unusual) and was raging at me.  I didn't respond and after awhile the texts got plaintive, "I'm not a bad buy, am I?"  "I was a good boyfriend, wasn't I?"

[Lady31]

Emelie,

Interesting that yours was like that too.  And I think you are right - they NEED people to think they are a good guy.  Also, they have to have a "good side" to split to - to see themselves that way.  I think mine did these things for himself and not because he actually cared about other people at all.

[Accepting]

Mine also had great need for being liked by all. He went for beers with his neighbours, babysat for friends and needed to be the funny guy in the social setting... .and at the airport firestation where he works... .has to be the funny guy on crew.

I have to say, of all the push/pull and silent treatments and intense anger and deep darkness that he expressed to feeling, he never really put me down. Maybe once or twice he made slight comments towards me... .but that was rare. He always said negative things about himself and good things about me. So in that regard I feel lucky. I guess though it's what also hooked me in further. And what makes it feel more strange being discarded... .having been held on a pedestal (this was reciprocal... .I thought of him this way too) then being ditched. He did say to me a few times how I made him feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows... .also, that he knew that if he risked letting me to close that I could break him more than he'd ever been broken. How tragic to not be able to accept the good side and roll with it without focusing on the 'what if's' of perceived ill fated futures destroying it.

[peas]

My uBPDex also had a thing about image. It's telling that our final fight followed a public argument. We were at a bar and he was drunk and made a sexual comment about the bartendress to me that I didn't like. The comment was something he might say to a guy friend, not his girlfriend. He was testing my resolve.

The comment hurt my feelings, so I called him out on it. This set him off and out of nowhere he yells at me to either shut up and drink or leave the bar if I don't like it. 

I yelled back at him pointing out that he was drunk and it was time to go. There were only three witnesses to this incident, but that was enough to really freak out my exbf. He blamed me for the public argument and was upset that any people saw it: it was his neighborhood bar and he knew word could spread quickly that he was seen loaded and yelling in his girlfriend's face to f**k off.

We continued the argument back at his place -- I was calm but he was all worked up, pacing back and forth -- and he said I "ruined" the r/s. That's the night I walked out of his life. He told me the next day to never come back. I agreed I wouldn't. That was four months ago and I have not seen him since.