second thoughts about marriage.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

i guess I should've seen this coming. my fiancé was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago with BPD. he has not yet begun dbt.

our relationship has been roughly five years long with break ups here and there. one of the major ones was in the spring of 2011. he said I didn't love him and I was too exhausted to convince him any longer. he moved out. I was depressed beyond help. I truly love this man and I could t understand how I could be replaced so so quickly. I ended up moving out of the area and got a new job and tried to begin a new life without him. he called me on my birthday nine months later and told me how much he needed me and loved me and wanted me in his life. I was thrilled. I missed "us". I move back to where I was living before and even got my old job back.  i was living with him for nine months and he asked me to be his wife and i said yes. things were perfect up until late spring, worse through the summer and now in the fall present day, he now says he doesn't want to marry me. he doesn't want to be engaged. he is leaving this Monday for a week to visit his family in a different state and to go and "think". (kinda funny because I am not allowed to spend more than two nights away from him because he worries about me)

he has confided in a woman friend from his past about things and me and he tells me they have a very strong spiritual connection. he asked me if i would be ok if he went to see her. (and do annnnnnything with her) and would I still love him.  I said no. I am not strong enough of a person to have my fiancé (or ex fiancé  ) going to see an old lover. so he gave me an ultimatum and said I want you to be with me but she (lover) is not going anywhere! he was very emotional and crying when he said this to me. this is the same woman he was with the last time he ended things with me.

I am devastated. crushed. confused hurt and all of those things I felt the last time this happened.

is this one of his crisis modes? is he serious? basically he wants me and our future but this other woman must be in my life too. that was his final statement.

since he is going away for a week (never told me until after it was all settled) to think. what should I be doing this week? still have to work and I was not invited on his trip. I can of bear the thought of going through all of this pain again. and now it seems he is receiving emotional support through this other woman through emails etc so I wonder if I should even bother being supportive? he asked if I would stay to see how the dbt worked and if it helped him. does he really want that or is he wanting me there until he gets better and THEN he'll dump me? I am beyond hurt. we work at the same facility so it is emotionally caustic for me to see him at work or bear his voice.

I don't understand how I was the love of his life for so many months and now I have been knocked down and be doesn't feel the same.  I don't know what to do or think. I am crying a lot. 

[darkhaven]

i guess I should've seen this coming. my fiancé was diagnosed a couple of weeks ago with BPD. he has not yet begun dbt.

our relationship has been roughly five years long with break ups here and there. one of the major ones was in the spring of 2011. he said I didn't love him and I was too exhausted to convince him any longer. he moved out. I was depressed beyond help. I truly love this man and I could t understand how I could be replaced so so quickly. I ended up moving out of the area and got a new job and tried to begin a new life without him. he called me on my birthday nine months later and told me how much he needed me and loved me and wanted me in his life. I was thrilled. I missed "us". I move back to where I was living before and even got my old job back.  i was living with him for nine months and he asked me to be his wife and i said yes. things were perfect up until late spring, worse through the summer and now in the fall present day, he now says he doesn't want to marry me. he doesn't want to be engaged. he is leaving this Monday for a week to visit his family in a different state and to go and "think". (kinda funny because I am not allowed to spend more than two nights away from him because he worries about me)

he has confided in a woman friend from his past about things and me and he tells me they have a very strong spiritual connection. he asked me if i would be ok if he went to see her. (and do annnnnnything with her) and would I still love him.  I said no. I am not strong enough of a person to have my fiancé (or ex fiancé  ) going to see an old lover. so he gave me an ultimatum and said I want you to be with me but she (lover) is not going anywhere! he was very emotional and crying when he said this to me. this is the same woman he was with the last time he ended things with me.

I am devastated. crushed. confused hurt and all of those things I felt the last time this happened.

is this one of his crisis modes? is he serious? basically he wants me and our future but this other woman must be in my life too. that was his final statement.

since he is going away for a week (never told me until after it was all settled) to think. what should I be doing this week? still have to work and I was not invited on his trip. I can of bear the thought of going through all of this pain again. and now it seems he is receiving emotional support through this other woman through emails etc so I wonder if I should even bother being supportive? he asked if I would stay to see how the dbt worked and if it helped him. does he really want that or is he wanting me there until he gets better and THEN he'll dump me? I am beyond hurt. we work at the same facility so it is emotionally caustic for me to see him at work or bear his voice.

I don't understand how I was the love of his life for so many months and now I have been knocked down and be doesn't feel the same.  I don't know what to do or think. I am crying a lot. 

[O.Hi]

Sorry it has been so difficult for you. I think maaaaany of us here can relate to your experience. Are you seeing a therapist? I helps SO much.

This post from another thread helped me understand some my partner's marriage/engagement related behavior:

When a BPD knows they have you, their devaluation tendencies increase tremendously.  For some BPD the "I have you" point is reached when the non shows he is in love, for others it is when they move in together, still for others it is when they are married.  For them, marriage is not about love like it should be for healthy individuals, because they cannot feel love (even though you have convinced yourself they do but their actions always show otherwise).

[popeye6031]

Sorry to hear about your situation darkheaven.  I do not know how you have put up with it for so many years. And the double standards are unacceptable, they just do not seem how they can do one thing and then go into a rage if you dared think about doing the same.   There is no equality in your relationship, as with mine, and I doubt you will ever see it.  I hope you will het some strength from somewhere and get away from this reltionship.  That is easy to say, I know. 

The quote that O.Hi pointed is a very true one, certainly in what I have personally seen and i am sure what you have seen in your 5 years together.  Good luck to you.