Setting Boundaries

[SimplySeattle]

My uBPD wife and I live 150 miles apart for now, and I've always been the one to go visit her. The 5 times she's visited me, I've had to go pick her up and take her back home (she does not drive). When I go to her home, I'm usually the one showing a lot of affection and get very little in return. When I say, "I love you," to her, I get a thank you back or she will say I love you, but it seems really contrived. She does not seem appreciative when I do things for her.

So, with that being said, she has agreed to get counseling to address her "anger control" problems. The most qualified counselor is near my home and I would have to go to pick her up, drive back, drive her back home, and then drive myself home at the end of the weekend (a lot of driving).

I decided to set some boundaries and asked her to take a bus/train to where I live and I would take her back home. She became upset and asked if it was a test to see how much she loves me. I told her that it was not a test and that it would be helpful for me. I also told her that I would like to have her visit my home at least twice a month. And she questioned our relationship and wanted to know what direction I was taking it in. She also mentioned that it might be better if I found someone else (an obvious test to see how I would respond). I told her that it's fair since I've been driving to see her over the past 8 months.

Any input about setting boundaries is appreciated. When I try, she makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable. 

[goldylamont]

I decided to set some boundaries and asked her to take a bus/train to where I live and I would take her back home. She became upset and asked if it was a test to see how much she loves me. I told her that it was not a test and that it would be helpful for me. I also told her that I would like to have her visit my home at least twice a month. And she questioned our relationship and wanted to know what direction I was taking it in. She also mentioned that it might be better if I found someone else (an obvious test to see how I would respond). I told her that it's fair since I've been driving to see her over the past 8 months.

Any input about setting boundaries is appreciated. When I try, she makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable. 

this is a control issue for her. as far as boundaries are concerned, it seems like you already have your terms in order. you're willing to share in a large part of the driving and she will need to find a way to your town to accommodate. in addition you would like her to come out to see you twice a month instead of you always having to travel to see her. you have your terms, as far as setting the boundary, the question is are you ready to do so?

others should tell their stories so you get a total perspective, however in my case i found that setting fair boundaries like this basically flushed out a mean streak in my ex. i had spent maybe 4 of 5 of the last holidays (thanksgiving/christmas) with my ex and her family. i loved her family so it was all good, but basically our final year after she refused to go see my family even though it would have been easy to do so, i simply refused to spend the holidays with her family that year unless she would do just one day (out of like a week) with mine. this was a fair thing to do in my eyes, a proper boundary. well, this was the beginning of the end. controlling people do *not* like it if you don't follow their protocol.

my advice would be to stick with what you already asked for. for me, i was happy to spend more time with my ex's family (they visited more often, etc), however my boundary was no more than say 60/40% or at most 70/30% hers/mine. not spending a couple years of holidays from my family i'd just had enough--nothing would have satisfied her and it took me this long to realize this and just do what i wanted. i have no problem sacrificing for a r/s but at some point those sacrifices need to be recognized and reciprocated. that is a boundary you should keep.

can you remain strong, and calm and hold your position? i will warn you that you may see some horrible behavior from this person when you do, but in any case this will let you know where you stand and who you are dealing with.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Any input about setting boundaries is appreciated. When I try, she makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable.

She doesn't like it so she tries to get you to quit it. It happens a lot when setting boundaries. That's okay. Push-back is to be expected. You have a right to state and act on your boundaries, and she has a right to feel upset about it. And I agree with goldylamont, this is a control issue for her.

The challenge is to walk the line between boundaires and demands. Boundaries is something we decide for us and something that we will uphold. Demands is something we ask others to do. So the wording of the two are different, and they are in essence different.

Demand: I want to you take the bus to meet me, it's only fair.

Boundary: I will not come and pick you up, I already do a lot of driving.

The big difference is that a boundary is something we can uphold whether the other person involved agrees or not with our boundary. It's focused on what we will or won't do, not what the other person will or won't do. It's a subtle distinction, but an important one when finding and expressing our boundaries.

[SimplySeattle]

Great insight. Thank you. When I talk with her, I try to express how I feel by saying, "I would like you to... ." or, "I think you should... ." without making demands. I will also try telling that I will not visit as frequently as there is a lot of driving involved, but I'm afraid that she will just move on. If she does, I guess it was not meant to be.

At this point, we're not talking as she is upset upset with me asking her to visit me. She feels that it's my responsibility to do all the work in the relationship. When I ask her what she does to contribute, she then makes me feel bad for not noticing all the wonderful things she does for us (just the bare minimum).

[waverider]

Bottom line is you can't make anyone comply with a boundary so if you enforce one here eg. you are not going to pick her up, then the consequence is that she does not attend counselling.

Can you live with that?

If you can't it becomes unenforceable and hence a demand rather than a boundary

[SimplySeattle]

I've spent too much money and time on trying to be nice and make life comfortable for her. The relationship is hard to continue in it's current state as I've become resentful about putting all the effort in with very little in return.

I tried to express my needs, but she does not seem to care enough to do much. Once in awhile she will try, but that is very infrequent. So to get her attention, I create distance and then she starts to care, but this is not the answer.

[waverider]

I've spent too much money and time on trying to be nice and make life comfortable for her. The relationship is hard to continue in it's current state as I've become resentful about putting all the effort in with very little in return.

I tried to express my needs, but she does not seem to care enough to do much. Once in awhile she will try, but that is very infrequent. So to get her attention, I create distance and then she starts to care, but this is not the answer.

What are your options to improve your life, as you are unlikely to make any lasting changes in her behavior?

[Theo41]

I think goldielamont nailed it pretty well. My uBPDw is not used to boundaries, doesnt like em and doesn't respect them... .without knowing it frequently.

I have been enforcing a boundry recently which she hates. When she disregulates and particularly when the focus is on me I have decided to withdraw. That can be: getting quiet and not engaging, leaving the room, and occasionally leaving the house ( I tell her that I will be back and when- this is extremely important because of abandonment fears.)

She reacts with manipulation and anger, etc. anything to lock me in (sometimes literally) ,keep me engaged and continue the drama.

I have been successful. It hasn't been easy but worth it big time. It gives me a feeling of freedom, heathy control over my own life, less a victim. Recently she has exhibited more self awareness, as in "I'm very sensitive, too sensitive, and I over react. I love you and don't want to hurt you in anyway. " I'm so glad I learned healthy behaviors here on this site as well as in Alanon.

[SimplySeattle]

I can understand how you feel. My problem is that I didn't know that my wife had BPD traits before we were married, so I didn't start setting boundaries until recently. It's been hard because this is new territory for her and I'm getting a lot of push back.

[waverider]

It's been hard because this is new territory for her and I'm getting a lot of push back.

You are not alone, this is nearly always the case. Change in itself is a trigger.

First result as Theo41 points out is regaining self esteem. Second result is even the most stubborn will eventually change their ways as old methods no longer work