Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
July 11, 2025, 10:56:40 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Do you ever wonder if it might be you that has BPD?  (Read 673 times)
lilybear14

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 14


« on: October 12, 2013, 05:57:26 PM »

I am sure this must be a common thing here, but sometimes reading the stories that people put on here about their BPD partners, I think hmmmmm I have done that before and it really makes me wonder whether I might be the one... .My partner is undiagnosed, I just see so many of the traits that seem to indicate that, but maybe I have it too? Or is it just that being around that for five years and now being around it again after a 9 month break, it brings those aspects of my personality out - makes the potential BPD in me stronger, if there is some there?

I don't have a history of great interpersonal relationships - I am estranged from most of my family except my brother and I definitely have issues with abandonment and exhibit push/pull behavior at times - especially when I get close and fearful - the good old push them away before they can hurt you

I can certainly blow up and rage unreasonably, though it is rare and usually only with family or a spouse.  I certainly feel like I get triggered and dysregulated sometimes in my relationship and do or say things that I would never say to anyone else - I can be really mean and critical and when I look back, I can see how things I say can be interpreted as blaming. I have become insanely jealous of my partners ex (especially after he went back to her again after telling me he loved her but could "never" be with her) which is so strange, because I am normally a very unjealous person - my ex husband was a complete flirt and had way more girl friends than guy friends but it never worried me at all. Maybe because there was trust there, I don't know.

Past intimate relationships have been very very different to this current one though. In the past if a relationship has ended (usually because I have broken it off) I detach at that moment, it has ended, move on - no recycling or anything like that, so I have been very confused as to why I have allowed so many recycles in this relationship (at least 30, including the current one which has happened after I thought we were very much done!).

I am quite happy being on my own - don't feel the need to have to be in a relationship and do tend to spend some time alone when we break up - unlike my partner who moves on sometimes within weeks or even days after we break up.

Gosh it is really confusing, I have been told many times that I have "a problem" and "need serious help" by my partner, and I have often thought maybe that was just him projecting, but maybe he is right? Maybe it is me with the problem after all... .Does anyone else ever feel like this?
Logged
froggy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 167



« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2013, 11:07:33 PM »

I've been thinking the same thing lately after reading some posts on here.

Been thinking on this the last few days.

The difference between him and I is I have empathy. .even for him... even after all the years of abuse. I think after years(33 for me)of never having our emotional needs met we adopt similar coping skills of our BPD partner. Years of being torn down leads us to self doubt and no real sense of self... we loose so much of ourselves we feel like we've become like them.

I figure if I'm worried about being like him... .there is no way I am. I KNOW he doesn't worry about how he treats me or others... thats where we differ.

I'm willing to seek out my flaws and fix them. I never want to treat anyone how I've been treated.
Logged
Aussie0zborn
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 803



« Reply #2 on: October 13, 2013, 01:29:55 AM »

I could have written the original post here word for word.  And I have looked at this with my T after being told through projection that it was me who caused all the drama.

So we looked at the dramas to see which ones I caused:

Her booty call knocking on the door when I can home after an 18 hour day. Not me - all clear.

Her getting drunk every week of the year after promising not to. Not me - all clear.

Her missing work for one or two days while recovering from a hangover. Not me - all clear.

Triangulating the relationship. Not me - all clear.

Sealing money from me. Not me - all clear.

Smear campaign against me from Day 1. Not me - all clear.

Having emotional relationships with others. Not me - all clear.

Stealing my check book. Not me - all clear.

You get the picture. 

But when confronted with all these dramas, yes I voiced my displeasure and very loudly too. And sometimes I never held back on saying hurtful things such as, "there is nothing attractive about a drunk woman" or "you embarassed me and your children tonight acting like a drunken slut". Then I was accused of "controlling" her each time I specified or reminded her of a boundary or any bad behavior. 

So yes, our reactive actions and our disbelief at what has occurred render us to being labelled abusers and showing the traits of BPD. Never again.

Logged
DragoN
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 996


« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2013, 02:09:36 AM »

Excerpt
So yes, our reactive actions and our disbelief at what has occurred render us to being labelled abusers and showing the traits of BPD. Never again.

That and

Excerpt
I'm willing to seek out my flaws and fix them. I never want to treat anyone how I've been treated.

Excerpt
In the past if a relationship has ended (usually because I have broken it off) I detach at that moment, it has ended, move on - no recycling or anything like that, so I have been very confused as to why I have allowed so many recycles in this relationship (at least 30, including the current one which has happened after I thought we were very much done!).

Detachment is not an "instantaneous" thing for me by any stretch. Comes with time, same as with my current SO, took 2 years of working at backing away from the BPD chaos.

Same with loving another, takes a while. I want to know who they are as a person. Attraction and infatuation are not love. Neither is sex.

Logged
dontknow2
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 154



« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2013, 02:19:18 PM »

Even though 2 therapists have confirmed I don't have it!, I absolutely wonder if I have BPD. I think what separates me from my xBPD is my level of control. I struggle with many of the same issues (i.e. fear of rejection) but less magnified and more controllable which is scary cuz it's pretty bad on my end!

I also see many of my BPD-like traits surfaced in the relationship; which many started out as a way to communicate and understand my xBPD but were really me just exploring myself.

I really like Aussie's idea though and look at the drama to see what I caused.
Logged
AliveButBeatup
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Getting a divorce --- after 9 months. :(
Posts: 124



« Reply #5 on: October 19, 2013, 03:02:20 PM »

Even though 2 therapists have confirmed I don't have it!, I absolutely wonder if I have BPD. I think what separates me from my xBPD is my level of control. I struggle with many of the same issues (i.e. fear of rejection) but less magnified and more controllable which is scary cuz it's pretty bad on my end!

I also see many of my BPD-like traits surfaced in the relationship; which many started out as a way to communicate and understand my xBPD but were really me just exploring myself.

I really like Aussie's idea though and look at the drama to see what I caused.

We all have some and I stress some of the symptons of BPD from time-to-time. But that is the difference, some.  BPD folks have the majority of these symptoms on an ongoing basis:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms

Logged
SeekerofTruth
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 235



« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2013, 12:09:02 AM »

Excerpt
  Quote

So yes, our reactive actions and our disbelief at what has occurred render us to being labelled abusers and showing the traits of BPD. Never again.

That and

Quote

I'm willing to seek out my flaws and fix them. I never want to treat anyone how I've been treated.


Quote

In the past if a relationship has ended (usually because I have broken it off) I detach at that moment, it has ended, move on - no recycling or anything like that, so I have been very confused as to why I have allowed so many recycles in this relationship (at least 30, including the current one which has happened after I thought we were very much done!).

Detachment is not an "instantaneous" thing for me by any stretch. Comes with time, same as with my current SO, took 2 years of working at backing away from the BPD chaos.

Same with loving another, takes a while. I want to know who they are as a person. Attraction and infatuation are not love. Neither is sex.

Thank you Dragon.

oh yeah that reactivity part.  I'm ADD intense by nature and emotions/moods are pretty key for me.  When things get disruptive... .my moods can be impacted... .especially from the What the heck?isgoinghere perspective... .and then dealing with the passive-aggressive stuff was like a rat knawing on my insides.  The denial and projections... .indeed function to destabilize the situation as well as my own previously healthy sense of self and identity.
Logged
DragoN
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 996


« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2013, 04:53:04 AM »

Excerpt
I am sure this must be a common thing here, but sometimes reading the stories that people put on here about their BPD partners, I think hmmmmm I have done that before and it really makes me wonder whether I might be the one.

I was afraid of the same. But through counseling with my therapist, he assured me I was not. PTSD is a problem. After 7 years with BPD, it's really hard to keep the balance sometimes.
Logged
Calm Waters
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married living together
Posts: 219



« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2013, 05:04:47 AM »

Hi, my belief and understanding is that we all have 'traits' of co dependancy, counter dependancy, BPD NPD and so on, we are all on a spectrum and moving on that spectrum. The issue is I think to what degree they are conscious of how these traits ' drive ' our behaviours. I now understand that part of the point of life is to make the unconscious conscious so we can grow and heal our childhood wounds that are triggered often by or intimate relationships. From what I have read narcissistic rage comes from the unconscious deep well of resentment, core shame and pain associated with our childhood developmental fractures in the first 3 years of life usually. Now I have some understanding of this I am slowly learning to control my rage, take more care about who I become ' involved' with, have stopped triangulating my marriage and am starting to forgive myself for the damage I may have done to others as a result of my unconscious ' traits' and behaviours. I hope that makes sense.
Logged
Century2012
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: His "best friend." My illumination of my childhood needs for love not being met. Just as his were not.
Posts: 134



WWW
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2013, 07:36:22 AM »

I think it is because they behavior starts making you feel nuts. At the end, I felt like "I love you, go away." At him!
Logged
Lao Tzu
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 213


« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2013, 08:49:38 AM »

Dear Family,

     I struggled with this questions as well -- and got some help right here on these boards.  All psychiatric illness amounts to magnification of something we all have.  We get very sad, but it isn't the same as being clinically depressed.  We get very happy, but it isn't the same as being manic.  We "daydream", but it isn't psychosis; and so on.

     To me, the interesting thing here is that we "nons" are brave enough to consider the possibility that we're the ones who are sick.  A pwBPD is probably unlikely to ever do that for the simple reason that he or she would have to simulataneously hold the contrary beliefs that they are both good and also unhealthy.  This, I believe, is called object constancy and lack of it is a hallmark of the disorder.  It's also why they paint people black and can rarely give closure (again, they'd have to allow themselves to be both good and bad -- and they just can't do that). Even lack of object constancy, something Freud described, exists in all of us to some degree.  Like all these symptoms it's just a metter of the severity and how much the symptoms rule our lives.

LT   
Logged
DragoN
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 996


« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2013, 08:52:24 AM »

Hi, my belief and understanding is that we all have 'traits' of co dependancy, counter dependancy, BPD NPD and so on, we are all on a spectrum and moving on that spectrum. The issue is I think to what degree they are conscious of how these traits ' drive ' our behaviours. I now understand that part of the point of life is to make the unconscious conscious so we can grow and heal our childhood wounds that are triggered often by or intimate relationships. From what I have read narcissistic rage comes from the unconscious deep well of resentment, core shame and pain associated with our childhood developmental fractures in the first 3 years of life usually. Now I have some understanding of this I am slowly learning to control my rage, take more care about who I become ' involved' with, have stopped triangulating my marriage and am starting to forgive myself for the damage I may have done to others as a result of my unconscious ' traits' and behaviours. I hope that makes sense.

Agree with your thoughts on that calm waters, we can become more aware and make adjustments in those areas where there are or have been problems.  Rages was not and is not a "real" problem, however when I was being raged at and abused. I wasn't much better after a few years.

Excerpt
Insert Quote

I think it is because they behavior starts making you feel nuts. At the end, I felt like "I love you, go away." At him!

I did feel like I was losing it for a time there. Nothing quite like learning to walk in the eye of the storm to teach one mental discipline. A few slips here and there, but not too bad. Didn't quite reach, I love you, go away. More like, the love died and I need to go.
Logged
Calm Waters
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married living together
Posts: 219



« Reply #12 on: October 23, 2013, 09:17:10 AM »

yes object constancy problems are key to the black and white thinking. This from what I have read stems from childhood damage, the lack of consistency of mothers and fathers and other primary care givers. It seems that even seemingly relatively small infractions can cause lasting damage to a child's developmental processes. What we ' play out ' in adult relations is a recreation or recycling of the trauma in relationships to try and  re learn the lesson in a positive way i.e a positive outcome but without the consciousness it just keeps going wrong and causing chaos.
Logged
DragoN
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 996


« Reply #13 on: October 23, 2013, 09:27:46 AM »

www.borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/06/lack-of-object.html

A.J. Mahari has some very helpful information on the lack of object constancy. This also explains why my husband needed to call countless times per day. If I was not focused on him, he was certain that I forgot about him, the black and white, she's there, she's not there.
Logged
lonelyh1
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: mARRIED
Posts: 71



« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2013, 01:48:18 AM »

I have the same thought.  The more I push it away.  The more it comes back at me.

I am reasonable certain the my UBPDw has BPD.   I have just started to wonder whether I have developed it.

I did not have any of the traits prior to marriage. 

Feeling of loneliness

emotional instability

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

But I do not have the others and I do not exhibit this behavior/emotions with any one else.
Logged
froggy
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 167



« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2013, 01:59:59 AM »

I think most of us think we have BPD ... I think years or decades of not having our needs met... the push pull ... .the devaluation. .the  more we develope these traits.

Feeling of loneliness

emotional instability

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger

Logged
an0ught
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 5048



« Reply #16 on: October 29, 2013, 01:31:01 PM »

I guess we all are in some ways changing considering the stress and confusing signals we are getting from our partners. If anyone feels uncertain about how he is doing today getting some external and neutral feedback from a T can be a good thing. It can also help us understanding the process of reaching out to a T and being a role model for our partners.

It is not unusual for anyone here to experience something that can be similar to BPD symptoms. We have even an emoticon for our issues. Meet the  PD traits "flea" ("if you lay down with dogs you will get up with fleas".

- Constant stress can affect us in may ways and in some ways it can make us more sensitive, loosing our natural resilience and thus more reactive. It is important to protect ourselves with boundaries/limits and take sufficient time to care for us.

- While the stress and chaos of the relationship may well be trigger and magnifying glasses we may have real own issues that only now surface in the relationship (childhood trauma etc).  The emoticon for  PD traits is called "my issues" for a reason.

- We can pick up unhealthy behavior from our partners. Again a good sense of values/boundaries/limits is important to drift too far from where we were originally. And striving ourselves doing the right things, putting in the effort to develop our behavior can undo the erosion (and go even further) that happened when the relationship soured.

Living with a pwBPD does affect us but we have choices making a difference in how it affects us.
Logged

  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
nowwhatz
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 756


« Reply #17 on: October 29, 2013, 04:37:23 PM »

I did wonder that. Also wondered if I had NPD or some other pd... .but after months of meeting with T and psych answer from the pros was definitely no.  That being said they are pretty sure I have some ADHD and get obsessed  which makes me the positive to the BPDgf's negative.

Logged
dotterof1
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married- not legally
Posts: 129



« Reply #18 on: October 29, 2013, 06:18:38 PM »

I was not able to read this whole thread, but I feel that wondering if you have it yourself and working to minimize the traits of BPD both are qualities that true BPD don't have.

I certainly see traits in myself. I wonder all the time what kind of mother I am to my own children. I feel that the piece that separates me from my own mother is that I do try very hard to work on my flaws. Just like you, I know that I can exhibit behavior that is on the borderline of "Borderline" but the recognizing, admitting, and working to improve this behavior makes it unlikely that we are.
Logged
123Phoebe
Staying and Undecided
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2070



« Reply #19 on: October 29, 2013, 09:50:30 PM »

I've definitely wondered if I have it, then quickly told myself, Nah.  Then wondered again, Nah.  Nah Nope No way!  Maybe? 

What I did find was that my behaviors sure needed a closer look.  And that my inner world needed a lot of tending to and TLC. 

I have Codependency issues and maybe a few BPD traits thrown in there for good measure (black & white thinking from time to time, for example)  There is no shame in admitting that we're not necessarily perfect relationship partners either, in top form 100% of the time   Once we're aware, we can do something about it Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!