Can't Turn a Blind Eye Anymore

[highland dr]

My stepdaughter is 37 and has an 11-year-old son.  Her dad and I have been married 18 years--we dated 8.  She seems to mirror some of the behaviors I've read on this website, but some not at all.  I felt we had a good relationship the first 3-4 years and then she shut me out. I have two children too and had them to consider.  She is goregous, highly intelligent, mesmerizing, manipulative, calculating. She is a college grad and majored in theater... .it comes natural.  She is extremely possesive of her son and he of her. I'm told her mother mirrored these behaviors too.  She took my husband's children 2000 miles away when they were toddlers.  They visited summers and sometimes Christmas and my husband was very attentive and loving during those visits.  They both moved in with him at age 16 and their mother rejected them.  We visit or she visits 2-3 times per year and each time her focus seems to be posessing her dad's time, and I have no problem with that. However, she displays provocative behavior toward her dad, and it is unnerving.  Immediately following delivery of her son, we went to her room and she sat naked in front of us the entire visit.  She dresses provocatively around him, but will cover up when we go out.  She placed an 8-foot banner of herself in her bikini in the room where we slept when we stayed with her.   I always find something of mine missing or destroyed, a lot of valuables.  She wants me to know it is her.  But, she is so manipulative that I could never prove anything and I don't mention much to my husband. I am concerned it will negatively affect our marriage and he worries, and I think she wants us to fight. When her son was 2 she would chew her food and have him eat it off her tongue--only in front of me. I usually ignore and don't react.  She will behave badly to me, and my husband will walk in the room and she instantly changes to this sweet, mesmerizing person and then shoots me a chilling look.  Her last visit some paint-eating material was poured on my car.  Things are starting to get to me.  She still sleeps with her son.  Before bed they go in the bathroom and come out wet.  She does not show any interest in seeing men or women.  She consumes her time with her son, and she has worked very hard to sabbatage his relationship with his father.  She does not drink or do drugs.  She is consumed with her beauty and does not do anything to hurt her body.  So... .I'm not sure that BPD is the issue.  However, while attending therapy sessions with my teenage daughter 10 years ago, I mentioned her behavior and he suggested BPD.My husband will call and she won't respond for months.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hazelrah]

Hello highland dr,

Thank you for sharing your story here... .you are amongst friends.  I must say that your stepdaughter has certainly exhibited a wide range of odd behaviors--I would certainly be looking for some answers, too, especially considering a child is potentially involved. 

Borderline Personality Disorder is a complex mental illness, and we aren't qualified to provide any form of diagnosis.  Whether or not she meets the diagnostic criteria for BPD may not be the most important thing here, however... .her behavior is alarming no matter what may be contributing to it. 

It's great that you've already done some research of your own.  Have you also seen the following video: Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder??  If not, please check it out at your leisure.   

In having done your digging, what behaviors do you think really match up with the diagnostic criteria of BPD?  Which criteria does she not exhibit, in your opinion?  Do you know if she has ever saught any form of therapy in the past?

Highland dr, thank you again for seeking us out.  We look forward to hearing more from you.

[pessim-optimist]

 

Welcome highland dr.

That is a very unnerving situation you are in. No easy solutions, but alarming behaviors.

I am glad you have found us, we are here to support you. Do you think your husband is aware that something is off with his daughter?

[highland dr]

Yes, my husband is aware.  He has expressed frustrations with her strange behaviors in the past and pulled away somewhat.  I think he suspected her pouring something on my car, because when I confronted him about what he thought happened, he looked down and a little ashamed.  But the last two years he has been trying to pull her closer, because her periods of no communication have increased.  In the past when she visits he spends time with her, but continues to stay with his normal routine of community service activities, golf, etc.  This last visit she dominated his time and he made sure to respond.  I think he is fearful of what she might do, possibly to herself.  I don't know.  I'm only guessing.  We don't show one another a lot of attention when she is around, because it would only make things worse, and I know that time with her dad is important.  My increased concern is that she will be approaching menopause, which will probably exacerbate the behaviors.  My husband has a tendency to look at life through rose colored glasses and does not like to address conflict.  He will never confront her about her behaviors, only to build her self esteem when she is in an angry mood.  She does seem to respect his direction more than anyone else in her life, but she does not have a lot of people in her life, and I'm beginning to suspect that some of her responding to her dad's direction is more manipulative than seriously considering change, and to her everyone else needs to change.  Even though some of the acts of anger toward me began when I first met her, I'm starting to suspect that she is using her son with some of it, because I find him sneaking around my bedroom.  I want my husband and I to begin counseling.  We live in a small community and I don't think there are therapists who specialize in this area.  She visited her mother two years ago after about 18 years of no communication and she said that her mother is schizophrenic.  I saw a notable change in her behavior after her visit with her mother two years ago, and I told my husband that I was concerned.  He behaved more defensively after that and quit communicating with me.   So, I just feel completely in the dark.  Her brother has a lot of anger issues, but is on medication, is married and has a family.  He recognizes he needs help and has not communication with his mother.

[highland dr]

To reply #1: The video is helpful and makes sense.  Her father was very loving, but she only saw him in the summers and some holidays.  Her mother was very possessive, although, she only talks of her mother hurting her brother because of his behavior.  It is important for her to be the good one above everyone else and exceptions made for her.  She refuses to accept consequences and defiant to rules that should apply to others but not her.  I have always thought that she distanced herself for months to hurt her father and fear of his rejecting her if he saw her at her worst on a consistent basis.  I think she feels she needs to manipulate and possess her son, otherwise he will leave her like all of her sibblings did her mother.  She does allow him to be involved in band because it is during the school day, but not in any other school activities or religious beliefs.  His life is centered on her, because I think she fears being alone.  From research the behaviors I see that mirror BPD are: extreme possessiveness of her son and dad--targeting those who get in the way of her ability to possess that person.  She has no use for her brother's wife either, who is very friendly or her son's father.  Talking to my husband's mother, brother, friends they explain the same behaviors by the ex-wife where she made him reject his family for three years -- and they had just lost his father in a work-related accident two years prior to these demands.  This included rejecting his mother, 16-year-old brother and 1o-year-old sister and he was the eldest.  He said he was just trying to keep his children and family together, and she took them 2000 miles away anyway.  My stepdaughter's personality can change on a dime--from tender and sweet, mesmerizing--to angry, hurtful and blaming.  She is an excellent actress.  We had an expensive piece of jewelry disappear and noticed it after she was here.  I had come home one day when they were here and the safe was wide open.  I just thought my husband had left it open and didn't give it a second thought.  The next time I saw her she kept removing her invisiline braces and putting them back in every time she was around me and bouncing her new breasts.  She does not have the money to fund those types of things.  When her first boyfriend broke up with her she was devastated.  When she asked what I thought I said maybe it was because he was a strong Christian and at the time she was of a very different religion and their strong beliefs might conflict, because he told her she brought his values too strongly into question.  She immediately burned her bible.  She does not exhibit behaviors in multiple relationships--but does behave provocatively at times.  She does not do anything to cut herself.  She values her health, body, skin and beauty and blames that for not having many friends.  She feels they are intimidated by her beauty. I have confided to her many times trying to build a closer relationship. It has come back to bite me. I have found her tape recording me too, which her son's father says she does to him.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again highland dr.,

The situations that you describe are definitely concerning.

It may be BPD, there may be also something else going on in addition. No matter what the actual diagnosis would be, we are here to offer you a safe place to share and to support you as you sort through the issues.

The most alarming thing that stands out to me is the issue of her 'sleeping with her son' (I assume that you meant sharing the same bedroom with him) and using the bathroom (and showering?) together before bed. I personally would consider that inappropriate at the very least; and that is assuming that nothing else more serious is going on. Do you think that you need to consult some professionals on that?

Also, judging from my personal experience having a step-daughter: your step-daughter's problematic behaviors are likely to affect your marriage, unless you and your husband can find a common ground and 'get on the same page' regarding this, so to speak. Looking into counselling is definitely a good idea - even if you need to look around farther. It might be time and money well invested... .

Regarding the other issues - if you look to your right, you will see a box with lots of valuable resources. Feel free to explore them by clicking on the links. There are short descriptions, longer articles, workshops and videos. We also have a 'learning center' which has different articles, book reviews and workshops towards the bottom, when you first log in... .

There is a lot to absorb there, so please keep posting and ask any questions you might come accross.

[highland dr]

Thank you for your support.  I do intend to consult a professional.  But, I will research skilled therapists for me and my husband.  I feel confident he will agree to do this. Our marriage is important to us and we want to help her.  However, it's been becoming much harder for me and honestly for the first time in all of these years I was glad to see her go after her last visit.  But, I know we have a responsibility to her and our grandson.  That's why i want to find the right therapist.  She is very convincing and very intelligent.  She recently was diagnosed with anxiety and this is the first attempt she has made for therapy.  However, I can't see her confiding all of her behaviors to anyone.  I have looked through some of the resources you have on-line and plan to order a couple of books--one from the parent's perspective and one from the  child's.  They do share the same bed.  I do suspect they bathe together.  I thought about telling her during the holidays that this is not acceptible to us, but I'm sure she would just continue the same behavior when she goes home.  I have one friend who worked as a nurse in mental health for 28 years who I confide with.  I do know a retired child psycologist here locally that I could consult now, but feel my husband and I need to see a more specialized therapist.

[pessim-optimist]

  It looks like you are putting all the necessary resources together. It's good to know that you have some support and that your relationship with your husband is strong, and - you are right about the responsibility to your step-daughter and grandson.

Finding the right balance between self-care, and self-protection versus care/help to our loved ones is the key.

All the best with the search for the therapist. Let us know how it goes... .