I'm definitely on the staying side of the fence - my story

[nfollows82]

Good morning everyone,

I started over on the newbies board yesterday and I've been directed to continue my journey with the BPD family on the staying board.

To save another giant posting I will link back to my original post which is:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=211483.0

I have explained everything the best I can in that thread and that is basically where we are now in terms of the past, the present and the future.

What I wanted to add from yesterday is that I have started to recognize co-dependent traits in what I have brought to the marriage so I feel I have something that I can focus on for me, rather than just focusing all my energy into our predicament.

I'm not here to call my wife a bhit or to slag her off til the early hours, I am just here to help me understand a little more, see if there really is a way forward and take things from there.

I'm completely open in my mind that this just might not work, but I want to damn well feel that I've tried.

Thanks all and speak soon.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and 

I did read your intro thread, and it sounds like you are in a tough and ambiguous spot right now.

For now I just want you to know that we're all rooting for you here on the staying board. That and what can we help you deal with? If you bring up a specific thing that bothers you, or a situation where things didn't go right, and tell us about it, we can offer you much better direction from that.

Lastly, if you read the Lessons (over in the right sidebar ---------> ) you will find lots of good stuff. I highly recommend it all.

 GK

[nfollows82]

GreyKitty, thanks for replying and by the looks of things I am going to need all the help I can get to survive all of this.

To be honest, her behaviour at the moment makes me want to pack my bag and head straight over to the leaving board as I really feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

This is basically how the day unfolded for me yesterday (bearing in mind that I am at work when I have to deal with this):

Morning

She’s at home looking for bigger houses saying that she thinks as we are living together we’d benefit from more room. Sending me links to houses etc.

Afternoon

Asking me if I think we are getting on better as friends.

Telling me that I am her best friend.

Telling me that I am great and it’s hard because she loves being around me but she just can’t deal with the relationship side of things or the sex (I think I mentioned the fact that she says she has a terrible relationship with sex and feels guilty being pleasured).

Then, just like someone had flipped a switch, she started ranting on about how I can’t force her to have sex with me or love me.

That she has got a sex drive she just doesn’t want it with me (immediately backed up with there’s nobody else) – people just lose the attraction so deal with it.

Then I get told to move out (of MY house which I brought into the marriage) and if I don’t to leave her alone and she will stay out my way.

This got us through until about 5.00pm when I left work and this is what happened then:

Evening

Walk through the door after having a barrage of abuse all day and she’s in the kitchen making my tea and moans at me because we’ve ran out of sugar! I’m expected to sit there round the table and eat my dinner like nothing’s happened!

The kids are put down to sleep and just as I am trying to sit and relax she catches me online reading about BPD which leads into the following:

I am delusional for thinking that her condition is to blame.

Me being so delusional scares her and she thinks I am going to be violent (never ever have).

I have serious issues that I need to deal with.

She accepts she has issues but because she ‘understands her’ she doesn’t want to understand BPD.

She doesn’t need therapy.

She’s adamant that she knows the BPD relationship cycle and she’s tired of that now so doesn’t want me or anyone else.

I got her to read something about the BPD cycle and the only thing she could relate to is the part which told me to get out.

She doesn’t want saving, helping, understanding she just wants me to accept it’s over, that she won’t change her mind and deal with it!

Then this morning I get up a little late so I could avoid being around her for long before work and she is upset with me because I seem to be in a mood with her!

Please help me deal with this because to be quite honest with you I am clinging on for dear life to the last ounce of self respect I’ve got left!

[Grey Kitty]

Well I have a couple suggestions for you; I'm sure that others here will have more.

1. Stop talking about BPD, and read about it when she isn't looking over your shoulder. For that matter, if you have books about it, put them someplace out of sight. And absolutely, don't let her see any of what you are doing here!

Whether she has BPD or not, labeling it and talking about it isn't going to help either of you much if at all. Specific behaviors are driving you to the edge. Here we will help you use tools to reduce those behaviors or at least reduce your exposure to them.

What matters is what happens when you start using the tools.

If she brings up BPD you will need to respond, but hopefully not often.

2. She has issues around sex. How are you handling it? Not the fights about it, but amount/quality of sex? If this isn't a huge and immediate problem for you, then let it slide for now, addressing the conflict directly instead.

3. Raging:

Then, just like someone had flipped a switch, she started ranting on about how I can’t force her to have sex with me or love me.

... .she is upset with me because I seem to be in a mood with her!

You can address this very effectively with boundaries. We've got a couple workshop devoted to them here:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

I highly recommend reading them both, however here's the one I'd suggest you use:

Boundary: I will not be verbally abused [You can define where this crosses the line]

Response: If she starts verbally abusing you (raging; putting you down; etc.), remove yourself from her.

Options: Go into a different room. Take a walk around the block. Go to a coffee shop or library or friend's house for a couple hours.

If she tries to block you from leaving, don't let her do it. Physically forcing past her is dangerous; a better option is telling her that you will call the police if she continues to block your way out.

A couple refining tips on how to go away: Avoid telling her that she is unreasonable or you are going away until she calms down. This is true, but not helpful. A better thing to say is that you are going away so you can calm down. (It is very hard for her to tell you that you are calm and happy!)

Also saying you will be gone for a finite period of time (and sticking to it) can help. Leaving can/will trigger her fear of abandonment, and if she knows you will be back in 20 minutes or 2 hours, it won't be as bad.

Hang in there!

 GK

[nfollows82]

Thanks Grey Kitty.

I will refrain from purposely talking to her about BPD from now on and she definitely doesn’t know that I have joined this forum or that I’m talking to others about our situation.

I have taken the step of referring myself for therapy and I am just waiting to hear from them to see if I am eligible for the help. I made this decision completely for myself as regardless of whether my marriage survives I feel that I can take a look at myself and improve myself as a person.

Hopefully the therapy will help me with my co-dependency issues which should hold me in good stead whatever the future holds.

I am just trying to get on with the things the best that I can at the moment and her moods and actions seem to change on an almost hourly basis so it is really difficult to keep track of where I stand from one minute to the next.

Her walking out resulted in her being completely reckless with money for 2 weeks and the hit has really hit the fan now she’s realised she can’t pay what she needs to so I’m acting like her financial advisor at the moment.

I’ve quietly accepted that she won’t be going anywhere anytime soon as we are not in any financial position to set up another residence – she persists in looking at house and flats to rent but I have absolutely no idea how she thinks she is going to pay for it – it’s almost like she can’t actually face up to the situation that she’s put herself in.

My priorities right now are me and our 8 month old daughter and I made her the centre of my attention the whole weekend and really forgot about the struggles at home.

It’s strange how peoples feelings can change but at the moment I don’t feel like I’ve got any fight left and I don’t want to use energy on trying to resolve issues that she has no interest in resolving.

[Grey Kitty]

  I think it is fantastic that you are looking for therapy for yourself. I hope you find a really good one!

I know many here have found help at CoDA or Al-Anon meetings; CoDA works more directly on your codependence issues, but meetings are fewer and farther between, and Al-Anon helps with it too, and may be easier to find.

Not having much patience or energy for her drama isn't such a bad thing either. It can help you find the strength and motivation to enforce proper boundaries.

 GK

[nfollows82]

Grey Kitty,

Thanks again for your advice – I haven’t posted back for a couple of days because I have been doing so much more reading etc etc.

The one question that I keep finding myself asking is what do we take as truth from someone with BPD – words or actions?

I ask this question because since this situation at home arose there have been vast difference between both – I mean her actions are always the total opposite of what she tells me and is saying to other people.

Examples being:

Says: I’m staying out of your way (to me)/I’m not having anything do with him (to her friends)

Does: Spends all her time with me when I am at home as if nothing has changed.

Says: I’m looking for somewhere else to live and I will be gone asap (to me)/I am looking for somewhere to live but I can’t afford it (friends)

Does: Absolutely nothing – there has been no effort on her part to find somewhere to live.

Says: What you do is none of my business anymore (me)/I don’t care what he does anymore it’s not my concern (friends)

Does: ‘Why are you late home’ ‘who are you texting’ ‘where are you going’ – i.e. wants to know exactly what my business is

Says: We are no longer a family and we won’t be doing anything together (both)

Does: Lot’s of family time with the kids and she always instigates it

The only thing that seems to be constant between her actions and words is that doesn’t want to try to make our marriage work and she isn’t.

In general, our day-to-day life is exactly the same as it was before she decided I was the devil incarnate and didn’t want to be with me anymore. The only difference being is that we no longer share a bed. We still cook and eat as a family. We still share the household chores. We still contribute to a joint budget rather than completely separating everything.

At the end of the day I want our marriage to work and I know that every little thing she does I am looking for as a sign she might change her mind.

Honestly, am I just wasting my time?

[Grey Kitty]

BPD is only one way where words and actions may have a miss-match.

Sometimes there is an intention that is spoken, then the actions do not live up to the intention.

What I can say about BPD is that you will hear things spoken, with complete sincerity and belief AT ONE TIME. Then later saying the exact opposite with equal sincerity.

The weird thing is that both are sincere truthful statements when made, and the way they contradict each other somehow doesn't connect.

How are you doing now?

 GK

[nfollows82]

Hi GreyKitty,

Well things at home are rather confusing……….just as most things tend to be!

If I could explain the situation then I’d have to say things are much better without actually changing…... if that makes any sense?

She is still maintaining the ‘I don’t love you’ stance yet she keeps worrying that I’ve met someone else and that I’m going to leave her (the classic ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’)?

She is slightly more engaged and as minor as this might sound she had a bath with our little girl last night and let me in the bathroom to see her naked and scrub her back…….then we sat and watched TV together and I gave her a foot massage……... she hasn’t let me touch her or anything since before she walked out.

It’s so difficult to understand what is going on really.

She’s said she wants to stay living together but I’m not to pressure her into us getting back together as she is adamant she will never love me again.

Do they ever come out and admit it when they have split you white again? Will there be a conversation where she tells me things have changed?

[Grey Kitty]

 Small changes can lift our spirits a bit.

Keep on working on yourself--you get to choose what you do. You can hope she will get better, but you cannot make it happen or do much to influence when or or how it goes.

Have you read the lessons here on the staying board? (Always there in the sidebar ------>> >> )

Do they ever come out and admit it when they have split you white again? Will there be a conversation where she tells me things have changed?

All I can speak to is my own experience. And that is that being painted white is just about as real as being painted black, even though it is much more pleasant. When she is lost in her own thoughts and BPD, she isn't very aware of this process. The nature of it is that when she is painting you white she is not really capable of remembering that you were ever not painted white. And correspondingly, when she is painting you black, it is equally hard for her to remember that it was ever different.

It wasn't until my wife really started to understand what she was feeling that drove her to these defenses that she was able to acknowledge what she had done to me and apologize for it. Our r/s had improved hugely long before this happened.

You can't count on her understanding what she is doing as a way to help you cope with it.

This workshop deals with the underlying mechanism behind the painting you black or white:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Hang in there! You can get healthier and that will improve your life and your r/s, no matter what she does.

 GK