So many pieces fell into place - working for the good of my family

[qcarolr]

Quick update: Dd out of jail and into very rigourous dual-dx program. Judge ordered program to pick her up for initial contact. They went over her schedule for next few days and oriented her to their place. Then I took her home to get stuff - 2 hour window for her to call case worker to check in from motel. We paid for a monthly room. She has her dog there with her. It is in a very quiet part of town. She was feeling very overwhelmed. Tomorrow morning I am taking her to get payment plan on court costs set up, then drop her at program before the 10:30 deadline to checkin. Then I am to stay out of her way - my orders from case worker today - until Monday when we pick her up for disabiltiy appeal hearing in city - 30 miles away. Then drop her at program on our way home.

They do drug/alcohol screening daily, give her meds to her daily, she meets with at least one person daily, will be doing groups and they offer DBT THERAPY! I told the case worker, while we waited for DD's release at jail, this would be so good for her. Also mentioned the 6-8 week pattern of slipping away - keep her connected especially at that window.

The judge took a personal interest in DD. He called program to get her accepted without delay, ordered them to pick her up at jail. He acknowledged in the courtroom, on the record, that the system had dropped her through cracks in several places with these harassment cases. He took personal responsiblity for some of the failures in the previous sentence not working. IE. being delayed in different ways. The PD lawyer had never seen this level of involvment before!


I am cautiously enthusiastic. Is there such a thing? Also very weary. Keep on praying - it is working.

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

qcr,

Amazing!  I am so happy to hear of the judge getting involved with your dd's case.   

Keeping you and family in prayer!   

[angeldust1]

Wow,  what an amazing judge!  We should have more like him/her.  This level of involvement means there is hope out there that this disorder is being recognized,  as well it should be.  So happy to hear she is responding or it appears so. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.  Good luck and may God bless you!

[Rapt Reader]

I am cautiously enthusiastic. Is there such a thing?

qcr  

I usually say "cautiously optimistic"

but I like yours better 

qcarolr, I can't tell you how happy I am that she got into that Dual Diagnosis Program, and will be having DBT sessions. The pieces are falling into place, and it does seem that the authorities and mental health community are "getting it" in regards to your daughter. And, it sounds like your daughter is willing to try to get better. This all adds up to something positive... .

This is good news; congratulations! I wish you and your family peace and happiness. You can do this, and your daughter and family can do this! 

[pessim-optimist]

That is wonderful news qcr!

All around. DBT and Dual Diagnosis - that sounds great! And the fact that you are ordered to stay out of dd's way is such a good opportunity to rest and gain strength... .

[lbjnltx]

AWESOME!

Praise God for answered prayers... .


I can't stop grinning.

[six]

qc!

so happy for you

this is amazing

you got your miracle!

the reality is such an improvement over all the worst case scenarios that might have been

waiting to hear more good reports

remember, we don't need to fix things

as the case worker said, "stay out of the way"

and let the miracles happen

[mggt]

Dear qcr. So happy to hear the good news we will all be praying for all of you 

[qcarolr]

The most amazing part - Dd has learned to ask for what she needs, and to be vulnerable when she does not know what she is asking for.

Went with her to courthouse. Met with clerk collections to set up payment plans on last two cases. They are allowing $50 a month one after the other. This first case will be paid next March, the next will take 2 years, the 3rd starts in 2016 and the last one will get paid off in 2017. She encouraged DD to pay them off sooner as she gets work, but there will be no worries about warrants for non-payment as long as the $50 is sent each month. Have never ever heard of such a thing.

Then check in at probation -- the PO that met with her in jail for PACE assessment has agreed to take her case. She told DD she is a supervisor and does not usually do individual cases, but she is happy to continue with DD. ANd she will be meeting with her weekly at the PACE offices. DD does not have to go to the court house. And to see her compassion with DD this morning - asking how she is managing one day out of jail, reminding her to breath, giving her a sheet with self-soothing ideas... .

Seems like there is a lot of education in the system about emotional dysregulation. And it is being applied without the label of PD being stated. I see this with gd's T -- the same mental health clinic manages the child system gd is in and the adult system DD is in, including the PACE program. PACE is managed by mental health, partnering with the courts.

The other magic is that PACE is 100% funded, except the fee included above by the court. And they waived the probation fees for 3 of the four cases since she is doing them all at the same time.

So now to focus on taking care of me, my marriage and supporting gd. I am so very grateful for all the supporting people in my life. Have to accept that things happen when it is time.

qcr

The final piece of this puzzle is the SSI appeal hearing Monday. Praying for DD to find some peace and calmness to not worry about this over the weekend.

[lbjnltx]

This is such wonderful news!  I am so relieved for your d and yourself qcarolr.


Get strong for yourself and your gd!

lbjnltx

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thanks for sharing!  That is very encouraging news  !  I will keep on praying!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[swampped]

THis chapter in your long, difficult journey seems to be so much brighter, qcr!  Long overdue, and much deserved, for all of you.  Blessings to you as you go forward... .     swampped

[qcarolr]

I am relieved. I am also realistic. Need to keep up with the mindfulness practice I have taken up again these past few weeks. Keep doing therapy. Keep repairing my marriage in many ways. I have to keep vigilante as I rest to resist DD calls to draw me into solving things for her. There will be lots of really really painful work for her ahead. Keep reminding her to ask her support team for what she needs.

Pondering today taking this time to be clear about myself. Every direction around me speaks to taking care of myself in every way.

I am getting so much self-validation reading "Loving Someone with BPD" by Shari Manning. I can see all the ways I have used my skills in the past 8 months of turmoil in my family. Setting limits with DD and finding the courage to stick to them - survive the extreme push-back from DD27. Building support network. It has been h*ll. I could not see the things I was doing right.

I can also see lots of times I tried to validate DD and it was really 'valdating the invalid". Shari's book had several examples that fit this. When she shared with me, during those more regulated times, about the drug use, the drug dealing, friends illegal actions could I have responded with questions about her part in this and if she wanted to move away from it?  I was so afraid of triggering her rage.

Yet, I was there when she did melt down and she willingly allowed an intervention with the mental health crisis team. Then she was back with her friends. Then she melted down, asked for my help connecting with mental health team. Back with her friends... .This backslide is still a great risk. Her new team knows all about this working in the dual-dx program. I have to keep getting support for myself to direct her to this support when she asks me for help. She is so overwhelmed today -- and this was well validated and responded to by two people on her team.

My deepest sadness, and need to forgive myself, is around the impact of all this on gd8. The sadness comes with the great distance between gd and DD now. Greater than I have ever experienced before. Gd is old enough to speak to me about this now.Talked with gd's T today about this sadness. She counseled accepting forgiveness for myself. Gd has a strong bond with me, there is the ability for repair. The reading that is helping the most with this is ":)aring to Love" by Heather Forbes. I also bought her CD with music, meditations and affirmations - for self and for being a loving, effective parent. Now to discipline myself to listen daily.

Am taking myself off to settle for the night. Time with dh. Getting my sleep. I am weary and trying to let go of the future to live in the moment. Over and over. I need repairs too.

qcr

[lovesjazz]

Great news qcarolr... .take one day at a time. Try not to look into the future. Enjoy the moment. She is getting the best care possible. She has ample people focusing on her. Now you can focus on gd and dh and yourself.

[Reality]

 qcaroir,

May the guardian angels continue to watch over your dear daughter, as she makes her way.

Reality

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I am so happy that your dd is now able to ask for what she needs.  This is so encouraging! 

Now you can focus on gd dh, and YOU!   

Continued prayers for all of you.

peaceplease

[qcarolr]

Update: We made it through the SSI appeal hearing. The ALJ (admim law judge with social security) was a retired judge called back to help with caseload per Dd's lawyer. He is asking for all records from her failed attempt to work with state voc. rehab in 2011, and for the decision in the federal court case for her last SSI application that was denied. Don't know if that is a good thing or not.

Dh sat in hearing, I sat in waiting so could testify at end. Lawyer asked a few questions about period prior to age 22 and then we were done. So very nice that he took the day off to drive to the city and show his support for DD. He lost his pocket knife at the security check-in going into the federal court building today, so is out buying a new one. Did not have time to take it back to the truck.

Now to wait. Lawyer thinks should have decision by mid-December.

Now to let go again -- leave DD into the capable care of her PACE program staff. She has warm, dry place with her dog to stay. Bus passes and I gave her a cleaned up all-weather coat today. It is raining again today. And cold.

I am weary, oh so weary. Gotta meet Gd's bus now.

qcr

[radioguitarguy]

qcr... .

I found myself smiling out loud reading your posts today! It feels soo good when some "things" in our frenetic lives start to look up. You've helped me a number of times with your words of kindness and support during our challenges with our 29ds. All the very best to you and your daughter!

Shalom

RGG

[qcarolr]

I am 'staying the course' today. DD called at noon, just woke up, missed her 10:30 am checkin, used her program provided bus pass for something else, no one is answering at program office... .

Calmly said - you have to figure this one out for yourself. Reminded her they were closed for lunch yesterday from 12 to 1.

Tonight she sent text wanting ride to get groceries tomorrow. I said OK since I am in town working. After she is done with her program stuff in the morning as I will be at  work in the morning. No response yet.

Hard these old patterns are. They hang on. For both of us. Takes gritting my teeth a bit to rein in my mommy mode.

radioguitarguy - gives me a spark of joy to know that I can pay it forward when I am able.

qcr

[pessim-optimist]

Tonight she sent text wanting ride to get groceries tomorrow. I said OK since I am in town working. After she is done with her program stuff in the morning as I will be at  work in the morning. No response yet.

Hard these old patterns are. They hang on. For both of us. Takes gritting my teeth a bit to rein in my mommy mode.

I am looking at your situation: dd calling today for help re. missed appointment. You re-directed her to figure it out. Then, dd calling for you to help re. groceries. You have said yes (best to follow through on a promise).

Going into the future beyond tomorrow, I have a question for you, though - is getting groceries for/with your dd something your dd's team would like you to do, or would they like you to stay out of her way on this?

The reason I ask is this: if they think it's good for you to do that, then it is an opportunity to stay close to dd. On the other hand - it may be pulling you back into the old patterns as you say (it may be time to change those patterns).

1. I do not know your situation enough, I am only observing, it could be either - which one is it with the groceries (staying connected, or old patterns)?

2. What about your self-care & care for gd?

Have you had a talk with dd's team as to what they think you and your husband should be doing for dd, and what they want to handle (teach your dd to handle for herself)?


All the best to you and your dd, qcr!

[qcarolr]

I think taking DD to the grocery store once a week is about staying connected. Her new case manager is out of the office this week, so DD is just checking in with the nurse daily.

Interesting -- judge really not letting DD fall through the cracks - or maybe program does this all the time? DD went back to sleep after calling me until knock on the door. Was someone from justice center to take her to checkin at program! She did check in today.

I found an apartment available closer to the center of things. Applied and DD rejected due to her domestic violence legal history. Needed to check this out. DD can work on the housing issues with her program counselors and mentor.  Texted her about denial with "glad u have ur room for now."  She replied "thanks".

Also was clear with her today that we are only able to financially help by paying her rent for next 5 months and her cell phone. She will have to get her other needs met through the program. Have to stick by this one.

Gotta go get dinner.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

That sounds good qcr!

They do seem to be taking care to not let her fall through the cracks... .