The Closure we make for ourselves.

[peterparker]

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but the last few weeks it’s been on my mind.

We all suffer from lack of closure. It keeps us in this limbo area. Every one of my past relationships, they ended with an understanding of ‘we tried our best and it just didn’t work out’, and that is not the case with my most recent ex. She tried to say these words, but not being able to see her role in every way our relationship went wrong, I couldn’t ever agree that ‘it just didn’t work out’, which makes it hard.

My T said that when I’m ready, closure can occur, but  my uBPDexgf will never be able to contribute to it. I have to create it for myself.

Remember those terminator movies? “There is no fate but what we make for ourselves”.

I would adapt this for us and say there is no closure but what we make for ourselves.

My T suggested that I write my ex a goodbye letter, one that doesn’t blame, but would leave no open ends, leaves no doors open, that wishes her well and says goodbye with a finality that is unquestionable.

Honestly I’m not ready yet.

I’m 26 days NC. On the weekend, she unblocked me on FB, sent me a txt saying how proud she was of her ‘friend’ after seeing a new project I was working on. I didn’t reply. She has since re-blocked me and subsequently posted a cute song on a music sharing site to my replacement. I’m still confused that she can expect me to be all chummy with her while she dating the guy she cheated on me with. Lack of empathy I guess. Lack of understanding that she hurt me. Right now I feel pity that she can’t understand these simple things. When we were dating, she would get so angry at her exh for not messaging her back and my response was ‘Well you cheated on him and lied to him about it. I wouldn’t want to talk to you if that happened to me.’ Sweet irony:)

Confusion comes with things that can’t be explained. I look forward to the day when I can send the letter. Perhaps I will write it and leave it unsent, then when I’m ready I’ll finally close this chapter of my life. I feel like I’m not the last pages though. My self-esteem is on the rebound, I’m keeping busy and I feel good about my future.

To those who are struggling with NC, I’m right there with you. I saw the txt this weekend and I had to stop myself.  We are the ones who have power over our lives, and no one else. We are the ones who can deny our ex partners power over us. But this takes strength that we have forgotten that we had.

Remind yourselves little by little of the strength you had before these relationships.  There is no timeline for this. Remember who you were before this relationship started. Reconnect with friends you might have neglected. Reread things you wrote when you were happier. Revisit old projects. We are all of us strong. We just let someone else tell us we weren’t and we believed them for a while.

[Waifed]

I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but the last few weeks it’s been on my mind.

We all suffer from lack of closure. It keeps us in this limbo area. Every one of my past relationships, they ended with an understanding of ‘we tried our best and it just didn’t work out’, and that is not the case with my most recent ex. She tried to say these words, but not being able to see her role in every way our relationship went wrong, I couldn’t ever agree that ‘it just didn’t work out’, which makes it hard.

My T said that when I’m ready, closure can occur, but  my uBPDexgf will never be able to contribute to it. I have to create it for myself.

Remember those terminator movies? “There is no fate but what we make for ourselves”.

I would adapt this for us and say there is no closure but what we make for ourselves.

My T suggested that I write my ex a goodbye letter, one that doesn’t blame, but would leave no open ends, leaves no doors open, that wishes her well and says goodbye with a finality that is unquestionable.



Honestly I’m not ready yet.

I’m 26 days NC. On the weekend, she unblocked me on FB, sent me a txt saying how proud she was of her ‘friend’ after seeing a new project I was working on. I didn’t reply. She has since re-blocked me and subsequently posted a cute song on a music sharing site to my replacement. I’m still confused that she can expect me to be all chummy with her while she dating the guy she cheated on me with. Lack of empathy I guess. Lack of understanding that she hurt me. Right now I feel pity that she can’t understand these simple things. When we were dating, she would get so angry at her exh for not messaging her back and my response was ‘Well you cheated on him and lied to him about it. I wouldn’t want to talk to you if that happened to me.’ Sweet irony:)

Confusion comes with things that can’t be explained. I look forward to the day when I can send the letter. Perhaps I will write it and leave it unsent, then when I’m ready I’ll finally close this chapter of my life. I feel like I’m not the last pages though. My self-esteem is on the rebound, I’m keeping busy and I feel good about my future.

To those who are struggling with NC, I’m right there with you. I saw the txt this weekend and I had to stop myself.  We are the ones who have power over our lives, and no one else. We are the ones who can deny our ex partners power over us. But this takes strength that we have forgotten that we had.

Remind yourselves little by little of the strength you had before these relationships.  There is no timeline for this. Remember who you were before this relationship started. Reconnect with friends you might have neglected. Reread things you wrote when you were happier. Revisit old projects. We are all of us strong. We just let someone else tell us we weren’t and we believed them for a while.

bold

I did this yesterday.  I sent her an email stating that I acknowledge the relationship is over forever and asked her to forgive me for some of the behavior that I displayed towards the end.  I also asked her not to respond.  I am pretty positive that I am blocked by her so she will never see it anyway, but the email was more about me letting go and accepting that it was over.  I have not had the urge to contact her since NC was started 2-1/2 months ago.  I don't want to speak to her or see her ever again, but I felt really bad after re-reading some of the emails that I sent her out of anger right after I ended the relationship.  I told my "P" about it today and thought he would be upset that I tried to contact her.  Instead he said that this was one of the things that is very common in AA and helps with the recovery process.  I still consider myself in NC and if that gave her the upper hand then so be it.  It just doesn't really matter anymore.

[Learning_curve74]

Every one of my past relationships, they ended with an understanding of ‘we tried our best and it just didn’t work out’, and that is not the case with my most recent ex. She tried to say these words, but not being able to see her role in every way our relationship went wrong, I couldn’t ever agree that ‘it just didn’t work out’, which makes it hard.

I understand people want some sort of external validation of "we tried our best and it just didn't work out." And many people don't hear this from their pwBPD, though there certainly have been examples where it has been said.

However I believe it IS true that "we tried our best and it just didn't work out". If you can accept that, then you can have "closure", if we define "closure" as accepting the relationship is over without bargaining or ruminating on "why nots" and "what ifs". Remember, a pwBPD has an emotional and psychological disability from their mental illness. Their best effort is not the same as what somebody without BPD might be capable of. And whatever our own shortcomings, we put forth the best effort we knew how to as well.